From Dream to Dream
by Raeghann
Summary: I lived my life in a dreamed up world far from the harshness of reality. Where my few virtues were far outweighed by my faults, and the pain of learning the truth about myself was almost more than I could bear. In waking from one dream I found a far bett
1. To Dream

My life was one of privilege; though what was so privileged about it I no longer remember. Then again, back then I didn't know what real privileges were. I didn't realize that there are things in this world vastly more valuable than all the jewels of the world. I didn't realize that to hold someone's heart in your hands is the most valuable privilege in the world. I really didn't know much about love and I knew absolutely nothing about life.

I lived in a bubble, a dream, a world that in truth only exists for the truly naïve and the hopelessly rich. For me love was the newest dress made in the latest Parisian fashion, in the finest silks, and with colors that would most flatter my creamy skin. I never thought beyond me. I was spoiled, for my father gave me what ever caught my fancy and my mother showered me with compliments and adoration. They meant well, truly they did, but they did help create who I was. What I was, was a spoiled child that ruled my parent's home with a tyrannical hand.

I look at my hands as I now write this, hands that are no longer soft from lack of work, hands that have learned lessons that have served me well. The one thing I can say for myself is even when I was at my worst I never had to learn the same lesson twice.

I lived my life in my dreamed up world with doting parents until the ripe age of sixteen. It was to be a magical age, an age where I would attend my debutant ball. I would be introduced to the world, one that I was sure to dazzle. After all, by the age of fourteen I had men offering for my hand; what more does a woman need than beauty? I thought I could get by in life with my smile and my enchanting looks. I could charm the birds from the trees, or I could throw a fit to rival a two year old; ensuring things went my way. Neither of these traits would serve me well in the years to come, they certainly did not serve me well that year.

I can remember the day my life changed, I should after all, it is the day my world came tumbling down about me. It was a day of infinite sadness; the sun shone down upon me mocking the tragedy of the day. I can still feel the heat of the sun on my black dress; I can still feel the tears in my eyes, tears that I do not remember if I shed in sorrow of my parents' death, because I was feeling sorry for myself, or because it was expected. My cousin, Adian Worthington, had taken a ship from England to move into my father's home and take up the role as my guardian. The man was very handsome as I remember, but with a look in his eyes that I did not like. Still, my father had been foolish and had too many debts, for my sake Adian paid them. I thought he was a nice man. I learned nearly too late of his plans.

That was how I found myself on the streets: hungry, disheveled, and dirty. That was how I found myself taken in by the most unlikely of sources; by the newsies.

One particular newsie actually, his name was Mush. An odd sort of name, but when you spend most of your life running from the police, you don't end up too partial as long as it isn't your real name. I never heard the story as to how he had gotten his odd nickname, but at the time I didn't really care. We met quite by accident really; a perchance happening that is one bit of proof in my life that someone was guiding me.

I'm surprised he even found me, for I have never been very tall; my father affectionately called me kitten because of my lack of height, that and insatiable my curiosity, which has almost killed me too many times to count.

So there I was, curled up asleep in an alleyway, half hidden among the rubbish and refuse because the night before I had been too tired to care, too afraid to know where to go, and too naïve to know the dangers of sleeping in an alleyway all by myself.

I was awakened by a young man literally tripping over me. He looked down at me for a moment in surprise while taking in my appearance; my dress, while it was a little torn and smudged, was still that of a lady and my impractical, but beautiful, slippers were already starting to wear holes into the soles. I looked back at him in distaste; his expression toward me was not that different.

Believe me when I tell you, it was hate at first sight. I couldn't help but look down my nose at him, after all he was grubby and his clothing was nothing less that tattered and torn. It looked like many places of his costume, which consisted of pants torn a little below the knees, badly scuffed boots, a pair of suspenders that had seen better days, a shirt that at one point must have been white but now was a dingy gray, and a faded hat, had been clumsily mended. I had never worn a mended garment in my life. He took his hat off for a moment as he turned to go, scratching his head a little as he did.

I could tell he was struggling with something, though I was more interested in the clumsy cut of his tightly curled hair. It looked like someone had attacked it with gardening shears. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing as I smoothed back my hair. I wonder now what would have happened had I had a mirror in front of me. I certainly wasn't my usually perfectly groomed self.

I watched him haughtily as he got halfway down the alleyway before I turned my attention back to the unaccustomed knowing feeling in my stomach. Part of me longed to just go home, but another much more stubborn part of me refused to. I would not live with that cruel and sadistic man; I just couldn't. Though as my stomach ached painfully, I felt tears well up in my eyes; I had managed two days with only a little food. I hadn't been thinking too clearly as I snuck out the passage in my room after my cousin had locked me in. I shivered as I thought of why he had locked me in, of what he had gone to prepare himself for. I thought of my cousin's angelic face, it had a beauty that took people's breath away; yet the beauty belied what was underneath.

Perhaps it wouldn't be as bad as I thought; perhaps he would be just as kind and sweet as he had been when he first appeared at my doorstep. The tears spilled over and I stifled a sob. I knew in my heart of hearts that to go back to that man would be to sentence me to a life of misery. Still, I would have a hot meal and a warm bed.

"What're ya doin' here?" a voice asked breaking into my inner turmoil. I blinked in the early morning light as I looked back up to find the man that had tripped over me.

"How is that any of your business?" I asked loftily. He stared at me for a moment.

"I don't suppose girls like you have any sense, but what the hell are ya doin' in this alley? Don't ya know what happens to stupid girls like you?" he queried, his voice sharp and full of contempt. Looking at him I knew that he wouldn't leave until I either made him or allowed him to help me. I could see him struggling with it; he didn't want anything to do with me, but still something was making him stay. I weighed my options; I could stay in the cold alleyway, I could go home, or I could allow this man to help. My pride refused to see any as an option, but my mind agreed that the lesser of the evils would be to go with this young man. I didn't realize at the time what a trusting and naïve soul I was. I knew nothing about him, yet I was willing to put my faith in him.

"I did not have much other choice sir." I replied. "One usually does not when forced to make rash decisions to save one's life from misery."

"Not another one of ya girls that think ya can run away and find true love because anything is better than marrying ya fiancé." He sighed. "I'm guessin' he's an old geezer that ain't pretty enough for ya."

"No, I am most certainly not engaged and as for the reason I am here," I snapped "I'd rather keep that to myself as it is of a personal nature."

"Ya get kicked out because ya pregnant?" he sneered.

"No, I most certainly am not." I cried in a scandalized way. "A proper lady wouldn't dream of having the relations you spoke of."

"Proper ladies ain't usually sleepin' in an alley either." He pointed out his face softening for a moment from its scowl. For a moment I saw a sweetness about his face that made him look more angelic than my cousin's face could have. I offered him a tentative smile and hopeful eyes, what more could I give? He looked at me for a moment then shook his head muttering to himself.

"I can't leave her here, it'd be like leavin' a kitten to a rabid dog." I managed to catch.

"You know what the word rabid means?" I asked in shock. He glared at me and I shrunk back against the wall. It would seem that a demonic side countered his angelic side.

"Let's get one thing straight, before I leave ya here to rot in the street." He growled. "Just 'cause I don't speak like you and I don't wear fancy cloths don't mean I don't know how to read and it don't mean I'm stupid."

I nodded fearfully and his face softened again, not as sweet as it had been, but certainly not as fierce as it had been either. My stomach growled again and he shook his head his muttering starting all over again.

"I was lead to believe that the lower class was not educated." I said softly "I never meant to imply that you were stupid."

"How do ya think the best of us sell our papes?" he questioned still angry with me. "Do ya think we stop and ask the distributor what it says? They sure as hell don't care if we sell anythin' just as long as we buy it."

"I cannot say that I've given it much thought." I responded.

"Ya wouldn't, girls like you never think beyond the next party or the next dress." He snapped.

"And men like you don't understand the importance of finding just the right dress to wear to the next function you are to attend." I sniffed.

"Really, and how is that important?" he looked at me expectantly and I lifted my head, looking him square in the eyes. He was common riffraff, a street rat, with no past, no present and no future. I however, was Bianca Victoria Windsor. I had been the daughter of one of the most affluent and richest men in the city, at least before my father had made some very bad financial choices.

"How is one to find a husband if one does not appear in public well dressed?" I returned his question with one of my own. "You degrade me for thinking of my appearance, yet it is that very appearance that will find me a suitable spouse."

He glanced over me critically; his eyes lingering over my figure in a way that made me want to cover myself even though I was fully clothed.

"Ya could show up in a gunny sack and still look good." He said, though it did not sound like a compliment. "Well, if ya not gonna go home, ya appearance is the last thing ya should worry about in the streets."

"Is that so?"

He sighed and hefted the newspapers he carried on his shoulder to his side. I watched him curiously.

"That's so. Look I don't know why I'm doin' this, but ya got any money?" he asked wearily. I nodded and he waited expectantly. "How much ya got?"

"I do not know." I replied honestly, though it pained me to admit ignorance to him.

"Can I see it?" he continued, I looked at him in horror. First of all, I had been clever enough to attach the little pouch that contained all the money I had been able to take to my garter; second, I wasn't sure I could trust him not to take it and run. He waited for a moment then he glanced around. He seemed to understand my dilemma as he reached out before I could move and grabbed my arm. I protested as he hauled me down the alleyway and around the corner. Fright made my throat feel as if it was closing as he dragged me up a set of stairs and through the door. I glanced around frantically like a terrified animal. I did not know this man, nor did I know what he was capable of. He looked at me in exasperation as he caught the look on my face.

"I ain't gonna rape ya." He snapped. "I like my women willin', and trust me there's plenty that's willin'."

"Well that must be nice." I responded with a little snap of my own. He looked at me for a moment then motioned for me to follow him. Unsurely I admired the way his shirt stretched across his back displaying his muscles, I had no doubt that he held quite a bit of strength in his muscular build. I was fascinated despite myself; I had never really noticed the build of a man. Mostly that was because they were usually dressed in impeccably tailored suites complete with jacket and vest. His shirt was fitted to him as if he had grown out of it and hadn't been able to replace it, which I would have bet money that that was exactly what had happened. I had never seen the muscles of a man's back ripple the way they did, nor did I ever really see the muscles in their arms strain against the sleeves of their shirts. I blushed as he looked back and turned my head away hoping he had not caught the admiration in my gaze. I glanced back and found him smirking at me; I glared at him and flounced past him, through the door he held open.

"Don't be gettin' any ideas girly," He said huskily. "I also like my women to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh without the bonds of marriage."

I felt the color flame in my cheeks; I was too embarrassed by his words to notice the eloquence of them.

"That's nice." I replied the sarcasm dripping from my words as he shut the door and turned around. I glanced around me to find a room lined with bunks, each in various states of chaos. I wrinkled my nose at the obvious disregard for cleanliness of the room.

"It is." he returned, "Now we ain't in the street anymore, ya can get ya money. I'm assumin' that's why ya didn't pull it out."

"If you think I'm about the reach under my skirt with the likes of you watching you're bloody mad." I fumed. He looked at me for a moment; I could see the anger in his face at my words, at my very attitude.

"Look, little girl, ya don't know the first thing about livin' out there. If ya don't show me what ya got, I can't help ya figure out what to do." he growled. I shuddered as that look came back to his face. He waited impatiently for a moment then looked away from my horrified expression, his hands clenched in fists hard enough to make his knuckles white. "It was stupid of me to think ya'd stoop to lettin' a street rat like me help ya. I was stupid to even try to help ya, I should have left ya in the street to make ya're own way around. I'm leavin', ya can find ya're own way out."

I watched him turn for the door my heart in my throat, I had been thrown a lifeline and instead of grasping it, I had batted at it angrily. I realized the folly of my words as he opened the door. Whatever happened, what ever he did, he knew how to survive, I could see that in the scar that ran from his wrist to his elbow in a long line. I had always been taken care of, so I shut my mouth against the retorts that were flooding it, begging to be allowed to run free, and said something that would change my life forever. It would change my very being, forcing me to begin an entirely new way of life.

"Wait." I said softly, my voice small yet still loud enough to stop him. He paused then looked over his shoulder at me. "I apologize, you have been kind and I have not. Please, don't leave me."

He looked at me as if waiting for some sign that I truly meant it. I took a deep breath and raised my skirt bending to untie the ribbon that held the pouch to my garter, I was glad my hair had come loose from its chignon to hide the flaming color in my cheeks. I glanced back up at him and saw his chest rising with each deep breath he took as he tore his eyes away from the leg I displayed. I looked down at my feet as I shyly held out my pouch. I felt his calloused hand brush mine as he took the pouch from me and opened it spilling the silver and gold coins into his hand. I heard his indrawn breath as he stared at what I had. I took from his expression that I must have a lot. I didn't know, all I knew about money was my father had given it to pay for what ever I wanted.

"Is it good?" I asked, placing each of my hands on his one and pulling it down so I could peer into it as well. I noticed his hand dwarfed mine; they made my hands look like children's.

"Well, good enough for a few months if ya watch it." he replied after a moment. "Only a few days at the rate you're accustomed to. Enough anyway to get you some serviceable clothing and shoes, get you a hot meal for a few nights and a bed."

My stomachs choose that moment to growl in a particularly loud way. I grabbed at it looking down in shock, never before had my stomach made such noise.

"You're hungry." He told me. "Ya ain't never been hungry before have you?"

I shook my head feeling slightly embarrassed at my lack of experience; his look was a mixture of envy, pity, and contempt.

"I'm going to take you downstairs to Kloppman, he should be back from his errands by now." he told me. I followed him back down the stairs to find an older man meandering around behind his desk whistling a lively tune.

"Mush, whatta ya doin' here?" he questioned his eyes twinkling kindly, but his expression stern as he caught sight of me. "Ya know I don' t allow no girls here."

"I know, she ain't stayin'." He told the older man smiling in a way that made his whole face light up. I watched in awe at the transformation that seemed to take place as he looked at the old man with affection. "I took her upstairs so she could untie this from under her skirt."

He held out my pouch to the older man who hefted it expertly, and I would bet he could have told me exactly how much money was in it, just by feeling its weight.

"That ain't countin' the bills." Mush said gesturing me to come forward; I did and smiled tentatively at the man who was peering at me appraising everything right down to my shoes. "I found her on the street, as ya can tell she needs a little help."

"Not another one of ya strays." Kloppman sighed. "Between you and Bumlets my charity is overly stretched already. You competin' or somethin'?"

"Nah," Mush responded, to my surprise there was a little color in his cheeks. "I couldn't leave her there, though she would have deserved it. She's spoiled."

Kloppman watched me as my eyes flashed and I raised my head tossing it in a way that had let even the most pernicious suitor know I was not amused. Mush's eyes darted to me twinkling as I turned with a sniff and primly took my skirt in hand to keep from tripping on it.

"Thank you, gentlemen." I said with as much cool aloofness as I could muster. "You have been very kind, but I shall see to things myself."

Kloppman laughed outright as I turned for the door, Mush reached out and grabbed my arm again. I looked back at him my eyes flashing with an anger that had made other men take a step back.

"Unhand me you cur." I hissed. Mush, however, just smiled at me and waved the pouch under my nose. I grabbed for it only to have him pull it just out of my reach. I glared at him and made another grab for it as Kloppman wiped the tears from his eyes.

"I understand you find me ridiculous and irritating." I cried stopping and placing my hands on my hips. "Could you kindly give me my money so that I might find someone who is more interested in helping me?"

"Honey, ain't no one gonna be interested in helping the likes of you." Kloppman said breathing deep as he tried to stifle the laughter. "Ya lucky Mush found ya, ya as helpless as a week old kitten. Someone else probably would have taken advantage of ya in many ways."

I blushed again so unused to such blunt words. Mush held out my pouch and I snatched it from his grasp. Kloppman looked me over again and shook his head.

"Mush why don't ya take her to Molly." Kloppman told the young man who nodded thoughtfully. "She'll know what to do with her. If nothin' else she can give her a place to stay for tonight before this hoity toity miss realizes her mistake and goes back home."

"I can't go back." I whispered looking from one to the other. They both wore identical looks of disbelief.

"A girl as pretty as you always has some place to go." Kloppman said. "If nothin' else they always have a man twirled around their little finger; if I was you I'd go find that man and marry him."

"I can't allow anyone of my old life to find me, they'll take me back to him..." I trailed off as I realized I had almost told them. Shame filled me as I thought of the reason I could not go back, of the reason that had driven me to the streets. To the desire of the most unholy man I had ever had the chance to meet. Shame filled me for the reasons I was running from him, from the desire that I had made him feel. The desire that had forced him to lock me in my room that night as he prepared to do what I had been taught only my husband should do. It had been my fault, he had told me, and I had believed it. It was my fault I was beautiful, my fault he wanted me, for I was a woman and it was in my very nature to tempt him. I felt the tears that fell from my cheeks streaking the dirt on my face as it cleaned its away in salty tracks.

The hardest part was that I knew that no one of my own class would believe me. He was too handsome, too charming, and too intelligent, the women swooned over him; the men admired and respected him. I was just a silly girl and if he chose to find me and force me as he had intended, then there would be no one to believe me. It would be my fault just as he said; it would be my word against his.

Hastily I brushed at the tears trying to get them to stop as I backed away from the two men before me. They looked at each other for a moment seeming to have a silent conversation. Mush looked back at me warily as I continued to back away almost tripping over the chair that had been left in the middle of the room. He searched my face looking for something; I had the feeling that if I had been lying that he would have known, instead his face set itself in a grim line. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I was really frightened, that I had not run away on a whim, that I really had been running away for a reason. He did not pry for that was not their way. Instead he strode to the door and opened it gesturing me to for me to precede him out the door.

"I'll take ya to Molly, from there ya on ya own okay." He said as he marched past me and into the street. I didn't have the chance to nod, instead I was trying desperately to match his pace as he wound his way expertly around the street shouting headlines as he went; it wasn't until much later that I would realize the sacrifice he had made in helping me, of the night he would spend hungry because he had taken much of his morning helping me instead of selling papers.

Mush had a soft heart beneath his rough exterior, a heart that felt more than most. Because of that it made him harder than others, but it also made him react to the pain of others. He was not one to leave someone alone, frightened, and naïve. He knew too well what happened to those people, he knew the hardness I would have to develop and the struggle I would have. While he looked at me in contempt, he also looked at me with pity and it was out of that pity alone that he chose to help one spoiled, haughty, little brat such as myself.

I followed him up another set of stairs through another door. We had spanned only a matter of a few blocks, but I was puffing with trying to keep up with him and my ankle ached from the horrid wrenching I had given it trying to run after him. The little delicate heels of my slippers were not made for running after newsboys in the city.

"Molly." He called as I looked around at my surroundings; the common room was shabby, but neat and clean. I could see the attempts to make this room cozy and welcoming. It made me think of a cottage in a fairy tale, perhaps like that of the seven dwarves. A woman with black hair and deep laugh lines around her startling blue eyes entered the room from the back, a towel in her hands.

"Mush, how are ya my boy?" She asked in a thick Irish brogue; she laughed as she finished wiping her hands and gave Mush a hug. She caught sight of me, her eyes narrowing as she appraised my fine, but slightly stained and tattered gown. "What did ya bring me this time?"

"I found her down the street from the Lodgin' House, I was on my way to my spot and tripped over her." Mush told Molly as they ignored me and continued talking about me as if I were not in the room. Unaccustomed to being ignored, I sniffed and put my nose in the air to show them just how little it bothered me. "Ya got an open room, she's got money to pay ya."

"What are ya getting me into now?" she asked in protest. "I can't be helping her, well look at her, she's hopeless."

I blinked away the tears, my heart heavy from the secrets it held, and weary from the looks and welcoming I had received thus far. I had thought perhaps I had found a way free of my cousin, but looking at the closed look on the face of the woman before me I felt a sense of hopelessness fill me. She was right, I had been a fool to think I could escape.

"She ain't got no where to go Molly." Mush was saying. "She ain't another one of those stupid girls that's run away because she's unhappy, she's in real trouble, I can tell. "

His words seemed to soften her and though it pricked my pride, I smiled hesitantly. I didn't have another choice, but here. I didn't, I would die in the streets before I went back. With that vow I met her eyes levelly and she nodded.

"Alright Mush, but it's a favor for ya." She sighed. "First things first we gotta get her into somethin' other than that dress. It screams that she's rich."

He smiled and kissed her cheek winking charmingly and making Molly giggle. He gave me a little smile and nodded in acknowledgment before starting for the door.

"Molly here's gonna help ya now." He said to me stopping at the door. "Listen to her, do what she says and ya should do just fine."

I couldn't do much else than give him an uncertain look as he turned the knob on the handle and opened the door stepping into the sunlight. I turned to Molly offering her a smile.

"Ya can't get by on that smile and ya big eyes anymore." Molly told me "We're gonna get ya cleaned up, then I'm takin ya to a friend of mine to find ya somethin' to wear. Ya might want ta give me ya money, I doubt ya know much else to do with it. I'll keep it for ya. I'll take enough for ya lodgin', ya food and any other expenses, that's the first step to teachin' ya to live here. Ya gotta learn that money ain't here for ya to use when ever ya get an itch ta buy somethin'."

Reluctantly, I handed over my pouch for the second time that day, this time I knew I wouldn't see it again. I hoped she would be honest and fair about it. If there was anything Molly Sullivan was though, it was honest and fair. My guardian angel had to have been keeping an eye on me, for I had been delivered into the hands of two people that out of the goodness of their hearts had agreed to help me. I followed her upstairs as she motioned me to do; she stopped in a small room hardly bigger than a closet.

"This will be your room." She told me as she motioned me to follow her the rest of the way up a small set of stairs to a wide-open room that must have been the attic. There were a few wash tubs set up at one end of the room and lying on the counter next to it was a washing board and some soap. At the other end of the room was, surprisingly, a porcelain tub. It seemed to have seen better days, but still it was a luxury that I was sure she had paid dearly for.

"I got it from a whore house down the way; the Madame was sellin' everythin' and movin' out west." Molly said proudly. "I bought it for five dollars; she was tryin' to get out of town real fast."

My emotions toward the tub went from longing to disgust. Molly caught both my look of disgust and the red in my cheeks.

"Ya gonna have to get used to some things girl, and that is just the beginin' of it." she said somewhat gently. She smiled at me then, I don't know if it was the painful way in which I blushed at her talk of whore houses, or the fear that haunted my eyes, but she decided at that point to at least try to befriend me. I would test her limits time and time again, I would push her away and anger her beyond belief, but she would be there for me.

I suppose she saw something in me that I didn't. I believe she saw a lonely girl beneath all my haughtiness and snobbery. I believe she saw someone that had never known the meaning of the word love, that despite all my parents' adoration, they had failed to teach me what love was. Their love for each other was all encompassing, and the affection for their daughter had paled in comparison. They had cared in their own way, but they had still left me lacking; too wrapped up in each other, yet they attempted to make up for it in the toys and dresses they bought me. However, it taught me nothing of how to deal with people, of how to handle my emotions. Odd that I would learn these things at the hands of two people that had no relation to me, nor did they really have any interest in my life. In this I was blessed, and for it, I will be eternally grateful.

Okay the main character is a brat and rather whiney, but she is supposed to be. I am trying to actually portray this particular plot in a way that is realistic. I hope that I achieve it. Let me know what you think!

-Raeghann


	2. Begining to Awake

A/N: Oops I just realized I forgot to post the usual disclaimer stuff. Okay here it goes. Sorry Disney, I know you own Newsies and the characters of, I'm just borrowing them I promise I'll give them back. ( Or so they can think). Seriously I don't own any part of this story that comes from the movie Newsies. The rest is from my own weird little dreamland; I visit often called La La Land, home of the muses.  
I suffered through the rest of the day, or at least I thought I suffered. I have to admit that walking through Manhattan in the shoes I was wearing would have made anyone suffer. I tried to suffer silently, but unfortunately for Molly that was not my way.  
  
"My feet hurt." I whined for the tenth time in the past few minutes. Molly finally stopped dead and whirled on me.  
  
"If ya don stop ya whinin' then I'm gonna leave ya here." Molly's voice held a sharp tone that never in my life had anyone talked to me with.  
  
"Well I never." I gasped lifting my nose in the air snottily.  
  
"Well I've never heard anyone moanin' so much in my life. If you're an example of what a rich woman is like then I thank the Almighty Father above that he blessed me with poverty." Molly snapped. "We'll remedy those shoes soon enough, but if ya don't stop ya cryin' we'll never get there."  
  
I stared at her still unsure of what to do with this woman that stared me down as though she had every right to demean and ridicule me. Looking back on it she did, but at the time I was none the wiser as to the kind of person I was. I felt the tears that welled up in my eyes and she threw up her hands in disgust.  
  
"Damn it." she cried. "Don't ya dare start cryin' now, if ya do I swear I'll leave ya here."  
  
With a tremendous effort of will I choked back the sobs that I wanted to cry, straightened my shoulders and brushed past her to head down the street. I did not know in what direction I was to go, but I was not willing to admit that fact.  
  
"Well, at least she's got some self control," I heard Molly chuckle "and perhaps a bit of spunk beneath that bratty exterior."  
  
I chose to ignore the comment and allowed Molly to grab my elbow as I continued walking past the very shop that she had been taking me to. Excitedly, I realized it was a dress shop, meaning new clothing. I smiled radiantly as I sat in the nearest chair eagerly awaiting the styles and samples of cloth soon to follow. Molly glanced at me, but swiftly turned her attention to the woman that came from behind her desk with a cry of welcome.  
  
"Molly me dear, what a wonderful surprise." She said as she hugged Molly, Molly smiled and hugged her back. "Are you looking for a new dress? I have some beautiful fabric that would just look lovely on you."  
  
"No, I'm not due for another one just yet Maureen." She glanced back at me and I felt her companion's gaze shift to me. I sat up a little straighter and raised my head a trifle. "However, this young lady needs something a little more serviceable."  
  
"Does the young lady have a name?" Maureen asked looking me over with an appraising eye, I shifted uncomfortably, never in my life had I been as scrutinized as I had been today.  
  
"Bianca Victoria Windsor." I said with a significant amount of dignity that brought about the looks of distaste which had crossed their faces. They are just jealous, I thought trying to assure myself. However, the usual assurances I used to calm myself with were sounding weak even to my ears. Despite my considerable arrogance, I still knew when I was wrong. I knew they did envy me a little, but it was not the envy that made them act as they did, it was something else; I did not understand what it was, but I would find out sooner or later.  
  
"Well," Maureen replied, "Bianca Victoria Windsor is rather long so if ye don't mind I'll just call ya Bianca."  
  
"That will do." I sniffed, nodding in acknowledgement; Maureen crossed the room in three short strides and looked down at me.  
  
"Ye'll be gettin' a lot farther in this city if ye don't look down ya nose at everyone." She said giving me a stern look that I would later learn she used on her children to quiet them. She dealt with the rich and mighty day in and day out, she had to simper and cater to their every whim. She saw and understood what Mush and Molly didn't. That it was not entirely my fault that I acted the way I did, we rich were raised as royalty, to believe that those below us were insignificant and there for either our amusement or our pleasure. We had money, therefore anything we wanted we got.  
  
"I know ya not tryin' girl, but ye got to start watching what ye say and how ye act, or it's just goin' to get harder." Maureen told me gently touching my hand. I stared at her blankly and she shook her head as if to say at least she tried.  
  
"So what do you have for her?"  
  
"Do you have anything in fine Chinese silk, I think perhaps dyed a red color; yes that would go well with my complexion." I broke in almost clapping my hands. This was my territory, I knew clothing and I knew it well; it was the wearing of clothing I didn't know very much about. I had no idea what was suitable for my new station in life. Both of the women looked at each other then silently decided to ignore me.  
  
"I have a couple of cotton shirts in the back that might fit her, a couple of skirts as well. I think I could have one altered enough to fit her today. I'll also make her something new, but at least the other articles should tie her over." Maureen said to Molly.  
  
"Let's go in the back." Molly said motioning me to follow, which I did. I was too dumbfounded at their blatant ignoring of my wishes that I could do little else. No one had ever ignored me, nor had anyone dared to ignore my wishes. Luckily I remembered Mush's word about needing some clothing that blended in more. Looking at Molly and Maureen, I sighed; I couldn't possibly wear such dowdy clothing. I bit my lip as they discussed what I should wear, finally deciding on clothing that I would never have picked for myself. I tried to curb my anger as I was marched down the street to the cobbler for a pair of worn, but still serviceable shoes. It took some wheedling on Molly's part to get me to wear a pair of shoes that had previously been worn by someone else, at least long enough to get a new pair made in time for winter. By the time we made it back to the boarding house Molly was in a fine mood, irritated by having to stay with me all day, and worried about getting dinner on the table for her other tenants.  
  
Not really caring about Molly's mood, I stomped upstairs in a tiff about the new clothing and the new boots. I chose to skip dinner, which had always made the servants and parents give into my wishes. Unfortunately here it meant there was more food for the others, so I feel asleep that night hungry, in a lumpy bed, and with a tear soaked pillow.  
  
Molly woke me the next morning at dawn, an hour that was at least four hours before my normal waking time and I was not pleased about it.  
  
"You'll do somethin' useful around here until ya find a job." Molly told me as I struggled into my new blouse and skirt, not at all thankful for the help she provided, as a maid had dressed me every day of my life. "You'll eat first."  
  
"I'll have a cinnamon scone hot fresh from the oven, with cream drizzled over it, a cup of chocolate, and a bowl of fresh fruit this morning." I said, proving yet again I had no clue as to what my life was going to be like from here on out. Today would be my first rude awakening. Molly grumbled as she shook her head and started down the stairs. I looked at the doorway blankly wondering what I had said that had brought the scowl to Molly's face. I hoped she made sure that scone was piping hot; I wouldn't have anything other than straight from the oven. Slowly I made my way down the stairs. The tenants that I hadn't met the night before were already making their way out the door; a few gave me a curious glance, the last of which was a sweet faced brunette girl, she smiled shyly at me before disappearing into the sunny morning.  
  
I sat at the table wondering where my place setting was. Molly entered with a bowl and a spoon and set it in front of me. Inside the bowl was some kind of grayish brown mush.  
  
"What is this?" I cried in dismay.  
  
"It's called oatmeal. This is what we are having for breakfast; this is what you'll have." Molly told me  
  
"I will not touch that stuff." I snapped. "You will bring me what I asked for."  
  
"I will do no such thing." Molly snapped back. "You will learn to live like us or you will leave. I have had it with your high and mighty ways, there isn't enough gold in the treasury to deal with you. I don't care if your father waltzed in here and laid a goose that laid golden eggs at my feet. I wouldn't do it. You will eat what we eat."  
  
I sat back shocked. No one had dared to yell at me, ever, it would have been grounds for firing. Even my governesses were hired with the idea that they would cater to my every whim. I was to be petted, admired, and given the utmost attention. With out a word I turned and stomped out of the room, stomped up the stairs to my room, threw myself on my bed and burst into noisy tears. They had no effect; instead I moped around the room for the rest of the day. Finally, hunger took over and I did eat the stew that Molly had made for dinner.  
  
"You will help me clean." She said as I finished my meal.  
  
"I'm paying you." I replied. "As long as you are receiving my money then you have no say as to what I will and will not help you do."  
  
Molly bit her tongue, I did not realize that the money would run out and I would eventually have to find some way to bring in income. Finally, the day came when Molly had had enough. Though I still had plenty of money, she decided to force the issue and make me take some responsibility in my life. She had heard me crying out at night caught in nightmares, but she did not know why. She understood I was hiding from someone, but it was time that I woke up and realized life was not going to do what I wanted it to just because I wanted it.  
  
"You will help me clean today or you will leave." Molly announced slamming open my door. "Ya have run out of money and I will not support ya."  
  
"I will leave then." I said stiffly once I had finally found my voice. I picked the bag that Molly had bought and started to pack the meager belongings I now processed. Molly turned on her heel and slammed the door behind her. When I finished packing and started down the stairs I found Molly in the common room waiting.  
  
"Come here, sit down." She said as she gestured to the chair across from her. I looked at it as if it were a viper, then I looked back at her wondering if she was crazy. She gave me a benign look and waited patiently. I'm still not sure why I didn't let my temper tantrum get the best of me, but instead of leaving as I had been planning to do, I turned and sat down.  
  
"Why don't you go home Bianca." Molly said softly. "You don't belong here, with your Chinese silk and your cinnamon scones. Don't you see you can never make it in the real world? Go back to your parties and your pretty dresses. Go back to your old life and give up this notion of staying here."  
  
I looked at my hands for a few moments battling tears. Now if there is one thing I hate, it has always been being told I can't do something. Yet the sense of hopelessness I felt was batting down the determined anger that usually filled me. I knew I didn't belong, I had known that with every sidelong glance and every disdainful twist of their mouths.  
  
"I don't have a choice Molly." I whispered; I hated to say it, hated to explain my misery and my reasons for being here. "I can't go back. I can't ever go back and it's all my fault."  
  
"Why?" I glanced up at her to see her blue eyes watching me as though almost afraid to be sympathetic. I could tell she was searching to see if I was telling her the truth or if it was all an act.  
  
"Because of what my guardian will do if I go back." I told her. "I tempt him, he can't help himself."  
  
I didn't want to tell her, I figured she would think me evil. I wondered if she would see me as those of my own class surely would.  
  
"And how do you do that lassie?" she questioned, a hard look coming into her eyes. I shrank back, afraid the look was for me. "No lass, tell me."  
  
"I make him w...want me." I stuttered, blushing furiously at the words. "I'm beautiful he says, and like all women I am a temptress. He said he couldn't help himself, that it was all my fault."  
  
Tears were making their way down my cheeks and I looked down at my hands. Gently, Molly's work roughened hand touched mine comfortingly.  
  
"Did he?" Molly asked softly. I looked up at her and saw the sympathy she hadn't wanted to feel there.  
  
"He tried and when I fought him he locked me in my room." I replied, my voice toneless as I recounted what had happened that night. "I was preparing for bed and he knocked on my door, opening it before I could get my wrapper on. I know I gave a startled cry and hastily tried to pull it on. He just smiled charmingly at me and told me he had come to wish me a good night. I remember thinking he had the face of an angel. His hair was this beautiful golden color, his eyes so blue, but those eyes gave me this feeling that there was something wrong. He crossed the room as I held the wrapper to me and kissed my forehead just as he had for weeks. Only this time he didn't stop there. "  
  
I faltered and slipped from my chair numbly to the floor, Molly followed, her arms wrapping around me as she sought to offer comfort. It touched me that this woman who despised me could reach out and offer comfort when I was in obvious pain.  
  
"Did he?"  
  
"No," I said tearfully. "I bit his hand hard and it started bleeding, then I kicked him. I wasn't aiming for between his legs, it just happened that way. I don't know why that stopped him, other than the fact he was in pain, but he swore he'd be back in the morning. That he would take what he wanted from me, that I would be his little wh...whore."  
  
I stumbled over the vulgar word, my cheeks flushing in embarrassment, both at what I had said and what had been said to me.  
  
"I can't go back." I cried frantically. "I can't and I won't. I'll die in the streets if I have to, but I won't go back."  
  
"Shh," she whispered, "It'll be alright now."  
  
Like a mother, she rocked me back and forth whispering things in a language I did not recognize. Eventually my tears slowed, my sobs lessened, and I gained control over myself again.  
  
"I am sorry." I said pulling away. "I am sure you think I deserved what he did, I have been horrid to you."  
  
"No one deserves that lass." Molly told me taking my hand and squeezing it. "No woman should have to have it happen, but it does. More here than with your folk, but still it should never happen. It wasn't your fault, ya understand me lass, not your fault at all. Now that we know ya have no other choice than my little home, we will talk about what ya are to do here. I can't keep havin' ya disturbin' my customers, and since ya ain't got a job, ya gonna help me about here. Any half-wit can scrub, so scrub ya will. I want the floors cleaned and the beds changed every day. Once ya got those chores down then we'll work on adding more."  
  
I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or highly displeased and I decided to push my thoughts aside for right now.  
  
"I'll help ya Bianca, but ya have to trust me and ya have to let me help ya." Molly told me seeing the mixed emotions in my face. "If ya trust me and do as I say things will become much easier for ya."  
  
I nodded unsurely, I didn't know what the future held, but the only choice I had was to put my faith into the woman that had taken me in.  
Dreamer: (Does the first review dance and thank you for editing dance) Shhh, poor Bi doesn't know what sexual tension, even if she does feel it. She doesn't understand most things; the poor dear has been awfully sheltered. As for her cousin, well the muses hiss every time his name is mentioned, they don't like him very well. I keep telling them that they created him, but it doesn't seem to matter. Thank you, I am trying to create friction, to show that there is no way Bianca could fit in, nor will she probably ever, though if she works hard enough she may be accepted. Thank you honey! I want more on your story now!  
  
Firecracker: Thanks! I really try for a little realism, and yes she is a brat, but if you think about it she doesn't know how be anything else. I'm updating as fast as I can. My muses are trying to shoot out ideas; unfortunately it's always as I'm lying down to go to sleep. I can't always catch them, darn it! Thank you again!  
  
Sprite: (That's your nickname right?) Glad you're enjoying my humble little story, I hope you continue to do so. Thank you!  
  
Raider: Sure, I'll think up a summary for you. I didn't think I was very good, but if you'd like me to I'd love to help. I've never really thought about it much; I've just started stories as the muses tell me to. Though I think I will make the Wolves story a series with a story for each of them. I think the next story is defiantly going to have to be for De and Jack.  
  
Skittles: I really wanted a different Mush, he's such a cute guy and if you watch close enough he has this kind of brooding thing going on in the background. He also has a really cute smirk. Got to love smirking guys. He also has magic sleeves! I swear it he does. As for long and wordy, honey check out my stories, I can be pretty wordy sometimes. Good grief! Anyway hope you continue to enjoy this.  
  
Diana: Thank you, as for the grammar, well I suck at it I know. I send my stuff out to be edited, trust me it could be worse. I'm glad you find my story interesting and unique, I really try for it. (Does new reviewer dance)  
  
Spark Higgins: I'm glad you have enjoyed it. I hope you will continue to do so.  
  
Rae Kelly: I think your muses kidnapped mine this time. AHHH, and what is going on with your story? I hope to see something soon!  
  
Rumor: I am at the mercy of my muses. Really I am, it's like walking a big dog, one that is more walking you than you are walking it. I wanted to portray Mush as he probably would have been. I love the stories where he's just as sweet as can be, but I was watching the movie the other day and he gets this serious brooding look, and man what a smirk. I think Spot has him beat, but still, there is defiantly a bad boy lurking in that sweet face. A wolf in sheep's clothing is a very apropos analogy. I will explain the scar, I promise, there are a few others that aren't eminently visible that will be explained as well. Bianca is too naïve to realize she could be reduced to a whorehouse. She doesn't have a freaking clue, though she's going to, trust me she's going to. This was just the beginning of some rude awakenings for her. Hope you enjoy this chapter!  
  
Dream: Next chapter is up. Here you go, enjoy, I will try to post more of it soon!  
  
JP: Ahh, dahling at least you've managed to catch up a little, here I go again throwing a new chapter into the mix for you. I can't wait to see the new chapters, I'm on my way now to check it out! Yay! I hope you feel better, and your kitty feels better! 


	3. To Be Free

"Ow." I snapped, as I looked down at my hands so soft from lack of use now slowly becoming cracked as I scrubbed the upstairs hallway. Molly had been right, any halfwit could do it; it was not a mentally draining task, but physically it was exhausting me. Molly had called me from the parlor for lunch and I had attacked it ravenously, glad for a break and food. However, I was quickly pushed upstairs to finish scrubbing the rooms and the hallway once my lunch was gone.  
  
I had finished the rooms in an amazingly short time, my mind wondering as my aching arms worked. The good thing about this job was it left my mind free. I quickly learned the joys of daydreaming while I worked, since none of my whining had freed me from it. I smiled as I remembered my parents' garden and the sweet smell of roses on the late summer wind. I remembered picnics on the lawn of our estate in upstate New York, swimming in the pond in the back. I had been taught by one of the servant's children, much to my governess's dismay.  
  
I remembered being dragged inside dripping wet into my father's study; my governess had waited for my father's anger, but my father laughed and had waived away her worries telling her at least I wouldn't drown. I remembered our short little trips in the family sailing boat. My memories registered as an ache and I blinked away tears; tears more for the loss of such innocent happiness than for the memories themselves. I had enjoyed my parents' companionship, but there was no bone aching loss at their demise. I missed them as one misses a friend that has moved away. Perhaps callous of me, but still I have the fondest memories of my parents and no deep affection. For there were no deep bonds between us, just easy camaraderie, as my parents did not acknowledge my presence until I was of an age to amuse and speak with them.  
  
I did not resent them for their lack of motherly and fatherly love, for I did not know what it was. I still do not resent them, for they gave me affection as they could. I was a doll to them, a small person they could dress and play with as it suited them and I am thankful they had at least a small care for me. Love, however, was an emotion I had yet to learn or even feel in it's entirety. It saddens me as I look back on it to find how little I knew and how starved for it I was.  
  
Darkness was starting to fill the rooms with a gloomy light as I trudged down the stairs struggling with my bucket, my arms so sore with scrubbing I didn't know if I could make it. Molly smiled at me from where she stood in the doorway wiping her hands on a dishtowel. She made her way forward to help me with the bucket; the water was murky and a dark gray with dirt, I shivered wondering how I had gotten up the courage to touch it. I remembered then that I hadn't been thinking much, just dipping and scrubbing.  
  
"Good job lass." She said gently as together we made our way out to the front stoop. I let her heft the bucket and toss its contents into the street. "I want to show ya somethin'."  
  
I looked at her in surprise as she grabbed my hand, her eyes twinkling at me for the first time since I had come to the boarding house. She pulled me into the parlor and stopped; she turned and gestured for me to remain where I was. Tiredly, I watched her move through the dining room and into the kitchen. I could hear her rummaging around and moments later she returned with a box of matches. She grinned impishly at me as I watched her in utter confusion. She struck the match lighting the hurricane lamp that sat on the wooden table near the door. Slowly she made her way around the room lighting the wall sconces and the other lamps as well.  
  
"Look at the floor lass." She told me as she made her way back to my side. Through eyes burning with my exhaustion, I looked around me at the soft glow of the rich floor. It gleamed as if it had a life of its own. "Ya did this lass, look at how beautiful ya made it look. I'll admit, I had me doubts, but ya sure did a wonderful job."  
  
I looked around me in glee at the shining stair posts, the gleaming floors, all glowing in the soft light of lamps.  
  
"I did this." I said softly, the unfamiliar feeling of pride coming to me. I had plenty of pride, but never before had I felt it over something I had accomplished. The sparkle and smile on Molly's lips told me that she was proud of me as well. My moment of glory did not last long however, as the front door flew open and three individuals stumbled in.  
  
"Damn it Jack." A familiar voice cursed. I looked wide-eyed at the three; one was Mush, I looked my savior over and wrinkled my nose. His eye was starting to darken, his lip was split in the corner of his mouth, a long slash in his shirt was tinged with a crimson color and he was limping. I turned my attention to the next, his eyes bored into mine, their hazel depths seeming to grab my notice and force me to continue to keep the contact. He gave me an endearing lopsided grin before Mush groaned and he looked back at his friend in concern, those eyes disappearing beneath Mush's unruly mop of rich brown hair; the lamplight catching shades of red and gold in its depths.  
  
My eyes turned to the next person, almost unwillingly, and I met a pair of cool gray eyes. They appraised me, one delicate brow raised in a mocking gesture. I found it belonged to a beautiful girl, her long lush hair a rich brown touched with red. It made her companion's hair look like dirt; she raised one graceful arm and brushed back the shining mass with a practiced toss. Her skin was bronzed to a light gold, still more cream than tanned. My eyes travel down her length, the woman in me automatically seizing up the competition. It was something I had done all my life, for competition amongst the wealthy for the title of the most beautiful was highly coveted, and I had basked in its glory. Yet for all the praises that had been sung, I felt insignificant next to this girl. She held herself with the cool calmness of a woman that knows she can have any man; one that has made sensuality an art form and is not afraid to use what ever was at her disposal to gain power.  
  
Finally, I pulled my gaze from hers to look at the cause of the commotion, it wasn't as if he had changed over night, but still I studied him as well. My eyes met his and found they were rich chocolate color tinted with a touch of gold here and there. A brief smile hovered on his full lips, as he looked me over, his mind momentarily taken off of the pain he obviously was in.  
  
It was as if the world had frozen and we all stood waiting for it to start again. Molly started forward, breaking pausing the spell, to take the arm that had been draped over the girl.  
  
"Ya ain't lookin' so expensive." He said to me, and I looked away, unsure of how to react to his comment. It sounded like a complement, but at the same time managed to rub my nose in the fact that he still looked down upon me.  
  
"Leave her alone." Molly told him as they moved slowly past me, Molly offering what support she could. I could see his male companion attempt to take the brunt of Mush's considerable weight. I glanced back at the girl who shrugged at me, her eyes burning as they looked me up and down. I wondered what she saw. "What've ya done this time? Honestly Mush, what makes ya think ya got to fight all the time?"  
  
"Ya think I want ta feel like this?" Mush growled as they half carried him into the kitchen; I followed them wondering what I could do, my exhaustion forgotten in the excitement. My eyes widened as I caught that train of thought, I had actually thought of trying to help. I found that it caused a feeling of self pride to run through me, for Molly would be pleased if I asked. No one had ever been proud of me or pleased with me as Molly had been when I had finished cleaning the floors. I found I wanted more of it.  
  
"Molly, can I help?" I asked tentatively. She looked back at me in surprise before that smile that had been on her lips earlier, before we had been interrupted, returned.  
  
"Aye lass, that ya can." She responded. "Where I showed ya the cleanin' rags were earlier today, that's where I keep the rags that are bandages. There should also be a bottle of witch hazel in the cabinet just over there."  
  
I nodded as she turned back to poking and prodding at a very disgruntled Mush. I turned away feeling important as I left the room on my mission. I located the rags she had been talking about and returned to the kitchen to lay the treasure I had found on the table. Molly gave me another one of her smiles as I turned to go to the cabinet. I dragged a chair from the small kitchen table and stepped up on it, my hands resting on the edge of the cabinet as I rooted and peered into it.  
  
"Do ya need some help?" I looked down to find Mush's male companion at my elbow, watching me with a gleam in his eye not unlike my cousin's when he had looked at me. Though I sensed none of the malice, merely the simple interest, it still made me rather uncomfortable. I shook my head as I found the witch-hazel and stepped from the chair to return to Molly's side. She poured a healthy dose of it to one of the bandages and applied it to the corner of Mush's mouth. He winced as the liquid touched him, Molly just pursed her lips and finished cleaning it.  
  
"What did ya do this time?" Molly queried, looking at him briefly before returning her gaze to the cut just above his eye. Again he winced, but that was his only outward sign that he hurt.  
  
"What makes ya think I did anythin'?" Mush answered with a question of his own. Molly cocked an eyebrow at him telling him she was not about to stray from getting an answer to her earlier question.  
  
" I've known ya since ya were a wee sweet little thing." Molly replied. "Now stop dancin' around the question and answer it."  
  
"Do I need a reason Molly?" Mush sighed, "I ain't even too sure how it started, just that I ended it. Probably another boy tryin' to prove himself."  
  
"Ya should've seen him." Jack added in excitement in his eyes, he mimed the actions as he told us what had happened, "The kid swung the first punch and Mush blocked it. Then came in with a right straight into the kid's yap..."  
  
"Spare me the details." Molly said her voice sharp.  
  
"How barbaric." I whispered unable to help myself. "How uncivilized."  
  
"What's the matter honey, ain't you ever seen a fight before?" A new voice sneered. I looked to the owner, the girl who had made me feel so insignificant in her presence.  
  
"Where I come from men settle things in a civilized manner." I gasped, still too shocked to see the shake of Molly's head. Until this moment Jack and Cinnamon might have brushed me off as haughty, but one of their class, however I had just given myself away and I did not have enough sense to even realize that.  
  
I knew I had a horrified look on my face and when Mush glanced at me, for a moment I thought I saw a look that seemed to be of sorrow and shame. He turned away before I could discern for certain. I felt this odd urge to comfort him, but I doubted he would have allowed me to. Jack looked at me smirking at my obvious dismay about the fight. Cinnamon gave me a disgusted look as if my shock at Mush's activities was stupidly ridiculous.  
  
"There ain't nothin' civilized about the streets." Mush told me. "The sooner ya learn that the better off ya'll be."  
  
"Off with ya shirt." Molly said, breaking into the conversation and effectively rescuing me as she finished bandaging the cut on his brow. Mush obliged as quickly as he was able to, the impatient snap in her tone telling him that dallying would only irritate her more. I gasped and obverted my gaze having never before viewed the naked chest of a man. I heard two male chuckles; Molly just patted my arm sympathetically. I looked around the room trying not to look at him, which of course made the urge to look at him even stronger. Curiosity had long been a downfall of mine and knowing the object of my curiosity was only inches away from me only heightened the compulsion to look.  
  
"What's the matter, ain't the sweet little angel ever seen a man before." Cinnamon questioned, her voice saying that to respond in the affirmative would be a sin. My reaction was to treat her like I had all the other girls that had fought and scrambled with me to be the best. I had found that to be cold and cruel was the swiftest way to squelch any such advances. Still, I found at first that I did not know how to respond to her other than give a disapproving look.  
  
"Back off Cinnamon." Mush hissed through his teeth, I glanced to find Molly applying a bandage to the ragged cut that ran along his upper ribs. "Just cause she ain't spreadin' herself around ain't nothin' for her to be ashamed of."  
  
My eyes caught and I found I could not look away, I could feel his gaze on me as I looked at him. I could feel it's burning, though I did not look up at his face. All thoughts flew from my mind, even the one that had registered shock at the fact that he had just defended me. I stared wide- eyed at his the muscles that bunched under Molly's hand contracting against the pain that he was so calmly dealing with. I would have been crying like a baby. His skin looked so smooth, like satin spread over steel, I had to fight not to reach out and touch it to see if it was as I imagined. That must be why women did not see men with out their shirts on most of the time. He seemed to be willing me to look him in the eye and reluctantly my eyes flicked up to his. The smoldering look and the soft smile that quirked up one corner of his mouth made me blush for reasons I was not yet in understanding of.  
  
I obverted my gaze to the wall for a moment before looking at the people around Mush. Jack just raised an eyebrow; Molly just shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips. Cinnamon gave me a knowing smirk; I gave her my best arrogant and cold look. Molly glanced between us for a moment giving me a smile of encouragement as I drew myself up to my full height, which wasn't much, but gave the impression I was taller than I was. I raised my head in a pose that told her exactly how inferior I found her. She brushed past me, her eyes continuing our silent battle, and laid a hand just above Mush's pant line. I recoiled in shock. Her look was rather possessive as she gave him a brief caress.  
  
"But Mushy darling, ya love girls like me. Girls that ain't so innocent they don't know how to please a man." She replied to his earlier statement giving him a sultry look that caused me to blush.  
  
"Get your hand off of me." The words came one by one in a tone that stopped us all dead. I looked to him to see his face expressionless and as cold as the marble floor in my parent's home.  
  
"What's the matter Mush, we had some good times." She pouted prettily and I saw Molly stiffen. I could tell by the way she was holding herself she did not like Cinnamon.  
  
"Sure did." Mush responded the icy bite in his tone still. "I like my women pleasantly informed, not too innocent, not too well practiced. Looks like we've got both of the women I don't go near right here."  
  
"That's enough talking from you." Molly growled, her protectiveness toward me coming out and surprising Mush. He nodded at her in understanding and looked at the wall. I was again unsure of whether to be insulted or indifferent. Molly stood after wrapping Mush's awkwardly swollen foot.  
  
"He should stay here tonight." She said to Jack "Possibly even for a few days, his ankle's been sprained badly and if he goes back with you he'll be out sellin' tomorrow whether he should be or not."  
  
Jack licked his lips looking at Mush to see what he had to say. Mush shook his head obviously not wanting to stay.  
  
"Alright." Jack sighed, coming to a decision having already weighed the options. "Ya'll stay. If ya leave here before Molly tells ya otherwise I'll soak ya myself and ya know I'm one of the few people that could."  
  
I glanced Jack over, he didn't seem like he could take Mush at all, but then I knew very little about fighting. Cinnamon even seemed to be in agreement with the last of the statement as she nodded in affirmation at the end.  
  
"Jack." Mush groaned "I got pape's to sell, I don't wanna loose my place at the Lodgin' House."  
  
"Ya ain't gonna loose it." Jack promised. " Kloppman will understand."  
  
"I don't take charity from nobody." Mush growled.  
  
"It ain't charity." Jack assured him. "Ya can pay Molly when ya able."  
  
"I'll expect my payment in full." Molly replied in agreement. Mush looked between them, neither was going to cave and let him go, he knew it, so he shrugged by way of agreement and let it go.  
  
"Do what Molly says." Jack told his friend as he started for the door. "Stop sulking and let's go Cinnamon, I'm sure we can find ya someone back at the Lodgin' House to take ya mind of Mush."  
  
"Ha, I can't belive ya think I'm still thinking about it." she sniffed while starting after him, making a big show of turning her back on Mush. Mush smirked after her, not buying her act for a moment. He also seemed to relish the fact that she wanted him and as far as she knew he wanted nothing to do with her. I wondered what had happened between them. She pushed past me knocking me off balance. I reached out blindly, grabbing for a tabletop or something to keep me from sprawling ungracefully on the ground. Something caught me around the waist and pulled me back. My hand drifted down to touch warm skin.  
  
"Steer clear of her." Mush said his voice husky and rich so close to my ear. Hastily I stepped away from him and fled the room as swiftly as I was able. There was something about him that frightened me, frightened me more than the idea of my cousin finding me, though not in the same way. I could not understand my emotions, but it made me angry that he threw them into such tumult. It angered me that he confused me. Usually I understood men, I understood what they wanted and why they wanted it. With Mush I could read nothing. He was warm, he was cold, he was kind, he was cruel. There was nothing that did not contradict something and for once in my life there was a man that did not want me. For years I had been petted by the male race all vying for a chance with me and I had brushed them off not really interested. Yet here was this street rat that tossed my emotions about as easily as I had tossed theirs. I shook my head, what did it matter, I had no interest in him. I couldn't have an interest in him, he was a common worker, I .  
  
I hung my head; I no longer was one of the elite. I could no longer raise my head and pretend I was better than him. If anything, I was worse, for he was useful and I had never worked a day in my life. It was that realization there that would start me on a new path, a new road, a new life. For with that realization came the vow that I would learn to work, I would learn to care for myself, and live with an independence I had been deprived of. I could and would survive; so far I had been guided, I had been saved, I had been given a chance to live. Now it was my turn to take that gift and do with it all I could. I smiled while looking out the window in the small neat room that was now mine. The stars twinkled down on me as if encouraging my vow. I breathed in the warm night air, enjoy my first breath of freedom.  
Sorry everyone, I didn't have time to post individual SO's, but know that I love you and I will spend extra time on them next chapter. Thank you and smooches to you all, I just really wanted to get this next post up! 


	4. Confrontations and More Realizations

"Bianca, wake up." I groaned as Molly's voice wove its way into my dream. Stubbornly I clung to it, reveling in the way my soft, fashionable, georgette gown swirled around my ankles and the sun shone through the shear fabric to touch my arms with a warm caress. The smell of roses filled my nostrils as I delicately sniffed at one perfect bloom. The fountain my father had bought for my mother in Rome gurgled in the morning light and a tray sat on the breakfast table only feet away, the scent of a hot cinnamon scone and chocolate made my mouth water.  
  
"Come lassie, it's time to wake." Molly said again. I rolled over still trying to stay in the land of dreams. "BIANCA."  
  
My eyes shot open and I looked at the woman who stood in the doorway of my room, her hands on her hips.  
  
"You'll be helpin' me with breakfast this mornin'." She told me. I glared at her, but she only smiled at me. "Get goin' girl, we've got customers to feed."  
  
I sighed and stood. Grabbing my wrapper from next to the bed, I wrapped it around me as I took the pitcher from the washstand in the corner of my room and headed down the hall to the small washroom that held a small sink and a commode. I sighed again as I filled my pitcher, looking at myself in the mirror as I did so. My long hair fell around me in a tangled mess of curls. I shook my head, if only my maid could see me now. Those tresses that had been described by my suitors with words such as 'spun copper' or 'golden red' had been carefully brushed one hundred strokes every morning and every evening. As of right now it looked like it hadn't been brushed in weeks. My skin, always so pale in the morning when I first woke, made me look almost like an invalid. Not for the first time I wished for someone that would take care of my morning ritual for me again. I yawned as I shut off the facet and opened the door to be greeted by a half-awake Mush. He stood with one hand braced upon the doorframe, his injured foot slightly touching the floor as he put most of his weight on his good foot. He wore little more than a pair of tight fitted long johns that ended in a frayed edge just past his knees. His muscular calves flexed as he took a step toward the door. Unconsciously I took a step back into the washroom, my eyes traveling up his length, curiosity warring with fear and propriety.  
  
"Are ya goin' in or comin' out?" he asked an eyebrow raised; looking into his eyes I saw amusement there. He knew what he was doing, he knew the effect he had on me, and he was enjoying every minute of it. Realizing this I drew myself up with all the dignity I could muster; my hand closing the fabric of my wrapper at the neck as he stared at where my nightgown dipped lower than one I had ever worn before.  
  
"Going." I sniffed brushing past him as airily as I could. Unfortunately, his balance was not entirely steady and as I pushed my way past him roughly, I knocked him over. Realizing he was going to fall, he turned his weight toward me in retribution knocking us both to the ground. I gasped for breath, the wind knocked out of me by the weight of the man who lay on top of me. Still trying to breath, I did not even realize the scandalous position we were in.  
  
"Take it in your room." A voice teased, I glanced up from my position to see one of Molly's boarders step over us and enter the washroom, shutting the door behind her. I closed my eyes, a blush already starting in my cheeks; I knew in a minute my whole face would be bright red. Mush made no move to get off and I pushed at him. He raised himself to his elbows and smiled down at me. I returned it with a vicious glare. In my sprawled state, my nightgown had come up baring one of my legs above the knee, the other just at the knee, and leaving a shoulder exposed.  
  
"Do you mind?" I snapped pushing at his bulk, having about the same effect as an ant trying to move a boulder.  
  
"Not at all," Mush replied smirking down at me. "Actually I'm enjoyin' it."  
  
"I can see that; I, however, am not." I hissed. "Please get off of me."  
  
"On one condition." He told me enjoying my discomfort immensely. "You give me a kiss."  
  
"A kiss?" I cried. "Are you mad, you hate me, why would you want to kiss me?"  
  
"Liking ya has nothin' to do with wantin' to kiss ya." He responded, wiggling his eye brows at me as though that would make me understand.  
  
"You said you don't like inexperienced women." I protested.  
  
"When did I say that?" his eyes widened mockingly as he slid a knee between my legs; my blush deepened, moving from my cheeks to stain the rest of my face a deep crimson.  
  
"How dare you." I stammered, my eyes narrowing, "I have never been treated with such disrespect."  
  
"What's the fun in that?" Mush asked as he leaned his head down stopping so close to my face I could almost feel his lips on mine. "Ya ain't never lived before, have ya? Have you ever been kissed Bianca?"  
  
"Have I ever been kissed?" I snorted. "Of course I've been kissed; when one has many persistent and handsome suitors one is kissed at one point or another, though they did it in a manner that was sweet, romantic, and respectful."  
  
"Did they take ya breath away? Did they make ya moan?" He whispered his lips actually brushing mine. "Did they make ya want to be touched?"  
  
"Of course not." I replied uneasily and with embarrassment. He was getting a kick out of this; in a way it was making me feel as I had made him feel. It was revenge, plain and simple, and I was not amused. "A gentleman would never do such a thing."  
  
"Honey." He breathed, I tried to push him away again, but he was so much stronger. It hit me then, he could do anything he wanted and I was helpless. I was as helpless as I had been in my room all those days ago. I was not sure he had the integrity to stop at just teasing. "Men would do such a thing; that is if they are half a man they would."  
  
I recoiled, fear settling in my gut. My breath slammed out of me again, and it was not due to masculine smell of Mush, but the soft scent of cigar smoke and clove cigarettes that had always surrounded my cousin. I flailed helplessly, pushing and gasping, trying to get free. Mush looked down at me with a frown on his face and I stopped my desperate, useless attempts to free myself.  
  
"Please." I breathed, tears forming in my eyes. I hated the way my voice wavered, but I could not control it. He looked at me for a moment before lifting himself up. I sat up trying desperately to wipe away the tears that had already started down my cheeks; my whole body was quaking with fear at the memories that had filled me, along with the helplessness I had felt. He leaned down and I pushed myself away, terror making me blind to who it was that stood in front of me. Gently a hand cupped my elbow, strong fingers closed about my arm and I was lifted to my feet with the care a young girl gives to a new porcelain doll.  
  
"I'm sorry." I heard a male voice mutter. I looked to Mush to see him looking away from me. "I was just playin' with ya, I didn't realize I would scare ya."  
  
"It's alright." I said stiffly, sniffing a little and dabbing at my nose with the sleeve of my wrapper.  
  
"I ain't like the monsters on the street, I ain't ever taken advantage of anyone that didn't know what they were doin'." He continued. "I won't touch ya again."  
  
"It's alright." I repeated, though I was not sure exactly how alright it really was. I was angry; he had no right to invade my space like that. I would never have treated him in such a manner.  
  
Didn't you treat him as though he were the scum of the earth though? A small voice in my head asked. I batted at the thought frustrated. Which is worse? He meant no harm; I knew deep in my gut that he would never have taken advantage of me unless I had given him encouragement. It never would have gone beyond a kiss, if it had even gotten to that. There was something about him that instantly told me he would be more likely to defend me than to attack me.  
  
"I guess I forgot who ya are." He added, a bit of malice laced in his words. I looked at him, my eyes narrowing. Looking at him I had a feeling his thoughts were somewhere along the same as mine. Here I had been ready to believe he was a nice man, one that I had treated abominably and I was willing to apologize for my actions, only to be attacked again.  
  
"What do you mean you forgot who I am?" I snapped.  
  
"That ya ain't touchable." He replied shrugging as if that explained it all. Seeing my eyes narrow further he went in for the kill. "That ya one of those that's too good to work and too good to associate with the likes of me. That my hands are too filthy to ever touch you."  
  
"You're right, and please don't forget that the next time you have the urge to harass someone." I said frustration dripping from my voice. "Please remember that I think I'm better than you and you will never be of a standard to kiss the hem of my skirt."  
  
The words were said with sarcasm; I realized that I had treated him badly, but it was my first day trying to change my ways and already I was being attacked for my earlier behavior. I wondered if I could ever get him to see beyond the spoiled brat that I had been raised to be. I wondered if he would ever see me like Molly did. I wondered why I cared, what did it matter what he thought of me?  
  
"Trust me I will." he snapped back. "But ya know somethin', I wouldn't want ta touch ya anyway. Ya may be a looker, but ya'd probably be so cold in bed, a dead fish would be better company."  
  
We glared at each other, neither of us willing to look away, even as Molly's boarder swung open the door to the washroom and looked at us both for a moment.  
  
"Shameless flirting." The girl said as she pushed between us and continued down the hall into her room. Both of us stared after her in surprise.  
  
"I ain't flirting." Mush yelled after her. We both saw her shrug her disbelief before shutting her door.  
  
"And I am?" I retorted.  
  
"Bianca I need you down here." Molly's impatient voice effectively cut off our argument. I looked down at the pitcher that lay on the floor, the water in a puddle around it, and I realized the side of my gown was soaked. Throwing up my hands I turned and stormed into my room, slamming the door behind me.  
  
I dressed as quickly as possible, my fingers still unused to hooking up my own corset or hooking the skirt. I grabbed my comb and angrily attempted to pull it through my hair. I yelped in pain as it caught in the first of the tangles and in frustration I tried to rip it through. Tears of pain welled up in my eyes as I dropped the comb. I shrieked as my patience snapped, I bent to pick up the comb only to hurl it across the room where it slammed into the wall. My door flew open and Mush looked inside as if expecting to see someone assaulting me.  
  
"Are ya alright." He asked worry creasing his brow for a moment before a mask of indifference settled over it.  
  
"I'm fine." I cried sarcastically, "Perfectly capital, absolutely perfect. I spent all day yesterday scrubbing the floors. Do you have any idea what it is like to scrub a floor? I have been woken up at the crack of dawn to try to learn to prepare food in order to earn my keep. To cook, do you understand what a menial job that is? I am living like one of my own servants, as though I were made to work. I am expected to work. I have never worked. Never. I didn't need to, and now that I do it, it isn't easy. And if that isn't hard enough, I have people like you to tell me exactly how useless I am. Do you think I don't know that, that I am not having a hard enough time? Do you think you are helping to make me treat you any better? Then to top it off I am assaulted and humiliated by you, because you have not liked me from the moment you laid eyes on me. And, and.and I can't even comb my own hair."  
  
I dissolved into tears, too tired and frustrated to care what he thought of me. He stood in the doorway for a moment as if unsure of how to deal with a sobbing female. He looked nervously at the hallway and I knew he was worried about Molly hearing me. If she came to investigate he would be the one in hot water.  
  
"Hush." He whispered softly. "Please, come on now stop ya cryin', it ain't that bad."  
  
"Oh be quiet." I wailed. "You don't care you just don't want to get into trouble."  
  
"I'm sorry." He said quickly trying to stifle a new wail. He bent to pick up the comb, trying to shush me all the way. I had a good mind to wail louder and intentionally get him a good tongue lashing by Molly. When he started toward me, the comb in his hand but not held as if he meant to hand it back, I abruptly stopped and watched him warily.  
  
"Turn." He ordered stopping in front of me. I looked at him dumbly as he gestured for me to do as he had said. Cautiously I complied and gasped as I felt his hand gently on the back of my head; I tensed, not at all sure of what he meant to do. Softly I felt a tug at my hair and realized he was combing my hair with a gentleness that not even my maid had achieved. Too startled to do anything else, I just sat there, eventually the tension leaving me as it always did when someone brushed my hair.  
  
"There." He told me finally; experimentally I ran a hand through the silky strands and turned to offer him the first tentative, but real, smile I had ever given him.  
  
"Thank you." I said shyly. He handed me the comb and I took it, his eyes looked a little dazed as he continued to look into my face.  
  
"It's beautiful, and so soft." He finally said, at my confused look he reached out and gently lifted a strand between his fingers. He stared at it for a moment before remembering himself and letting it drop. I looked away, after all that had passed between us I did not know how to react or treat him. We had managed to go from fighting like a pair of ally cat's battling over territory to actually being civil. I wondered when we would flip back again. This morning had been like riding on the roller coaster at Coney Island.  
  
"Thank you." I repeated, standing, he took a step back onto his hurt ankle and hissed in pain. "Are you alright?"  
  
"I'm fine." He replied swiftly; we were only inches away from each other, a place I had been all too familiar with this morning. I wasn't sure I liked it. I reached out for the comb still in his hand, he did not release it and I looked up. He licked his lips nervously and I looked at him curiously. "Now that ya ain't one of the rich folk anymore, ya can learn to really live. Everyone who has ever lived should experience a real kiss."  
  
I had no time to back away, only for my heart to slam into my rips in fear. However his hand was gentle as it cupped my cheek; gentle as only a large, very strong man who is aware of exactly how strong he is, can be. I knew I could break away at any time; still I was curious as to what a "real" kiss was. The kisses I had received before had always been the soft little touching of lips. What a shock I was about to have. His lips did indeed touch mine softly, but they did not leave, instead they moved on mine urging me to follow suite. Hesitantly I did, not sure if that was what I was supposed to do; a gentle brush of his thumb against the cheek he cupped told me it was. One arm came about me, crossing my back to wrap around me in an embrace that pulled me closer to him. I gasped as he deepened the kiss and his tongue slowly traced my lips. He took that opening to slip inside my mouth with practiced ease. I stood stock still, frightened, but I found surprisingly I liked it.  
  
"Mush!" A voice snapped, we jumped apart and I found Molly standing there tapping her foot, hands on her hips. "Bianca, meet me in the kitchen."  
  
I wanted to protest, but the look on her face made me think better of it; a blush of shame colored my cheeks and I looked to Mush, who gave me a smile that made me blush again. His eyes followed me to the door way and he winked good naturedly at me before Molly slammed the door shut.  
  
"Mush, what is wrong with you?" Molly cried. I knew I should not eavesdrop, that it was not good manners, but I couldn't help myself.  
  
"Nothin' Molly." Mush responded with a casualness to his voice.  
  
"How could ya do that?" Molly continued ranting. "That girl has been starved for affection; the sad thing is she doesn't even know it. Are ya takin' advantage of that? Ya show her an ounce of kindness and warmth, and she'd probably follow ya to the ends of the earth, just to get some more. Don't toy with her, she ain't one of ya cheap girls, she was raised to be a good girl and I ain't gonna let ya spoil her. Got it?"  
  
"I got it." Mush responded.  
  
"Stay away from her if ya have to Casanova," Molly told him. "I don't care how ya gotta keep from touchin' her, and unless ya planning on letting go of ya roguish ways and makin' an honest woman out of her, leave her alone."  
'I got it Molly." Mush growled. "I got it alright, she's too good for me I know it."  
  
"She ain't too good for you Mush." Molly said softly, the affection in her voice combined with a bit of sorrow. "She's too good to be used and tossed aside. She's a good girl, I've been watchin' her the past few days and there's a real sweet girl hiding in there. A girl that has been never been shown what it's like to be loved. From what she's told me her parents were so in love with each other they didn't have enough left over for her. All they cared about was that she was kept quiet and if that meant spoiling her rotten then that is what they would do. She doesn't even mourn them; the time they spent with her was like playing with a big doll, one that was put on the shelf when they were bored. If you show her affection she's going to do what ever she needs to for more. She's desperately seekin' approval and I won't have ya hurt her. Cause ya would, and despite ya mean tough exterior Mush, I know ya don't want to do that."  
  
There was silence and I strained to hear something, anything. Finally I heard a sigh, and a creak as someone sat on my bed.  
  
"Alright Molly." Mush sighed.  
  
"Ya a good boy Mush. " Molly's voice was soft and affectionate. "Ya deserve a good girl, and just because ya got hurt by one bad apple don't mean ya have to live from one night to the next."  
  
"I ain't livin' from one night to the next." Mush said "I just ain't found a girl that's worth stayin' with for any length of time."  
  
"Well, ya ain't gonna play with Bianca to find out." Molly said firmly going back to the original subject. "Ya act like a gentleman around her. She's naïve as hell and she's gonna need someone to keep the jackals back. I saw Jack sniffin' at her heels last night. Now if there was ever a charmer it's my cousin, and if I tell him to keep his hands off that's only gonna make her more interestin'. I can trust ya to keep an eye on her."  
  
"I'll keep an eye on her." Mush replied. "I promise."  
  
"And no more fightin', good grief, I coulda heard you two half way down the street." Molly admonished. I could hear her steps moving closer to the door and I fled downstairs to the kitchen before she could catch me. My fingers gently touched my lips as I thought of Mush's kiss, I sighed knowing it was the last of them I'd ever get. I had heard enough to put two and two together. Mush had even admitted it though I hadn't truly believed it. Women were good for one purpose and that was to give him a moment's gratification. I shook my head, I wouldn't give him another kiss even if he wanted to kiss me again, and he might, though I had a feeling his promise to Molly would be more important; I doubted he would go back on his word. He didn't seem like the type, the trust in Molly's voice and words had told me that. He could be trusted, except for in one area and that was the area of romance. I squared my shoulders, it had been a good kiss I told myself, very instructive, but that was all it would ever be. I couldn't look any deeper than that, for Mush was a cad. I had fended off my fair share of them and I wasn't about to fall prey to one now. Jack was one as well, I would have to keep that in mind. I wondered how many others I would meet that were the same way. I wondered if there was a decent man in this world, a man that was not interested in one thing and one thing only.  
  
"Shall we get to work?" Molly asked as she entered the kitchen. I schooled my features into a mask that hid my thoughts and smiled at Molly. I had learned an important lesson today, one I was not going to forget any time soon.  
* * *  
  
JP: You wanted more updates, well here's one rather belatedly, but here's one. I had all these beautiful SO's typed out and then I got the reviewed chapter back from Dreamer. I downloaded it right over my SO's. So my patience and frustration level was so high I put it on the back burner. Oh and I love your ramblings.  
  
Dreamer: Stop that, you got it done as soon as you were able and I'm very grateful for that. More naked Mushy, but I've got the feeling you already guessed that. Or erm, actually half naked Mushy. It think poor Bi would just expire on the spot if he got naked. At least at this point. I'll try to get more to you soon.  
  
Bottles: I know all about erasing things. I'm shaking my fist at myself right now. I'm glad you like this story! Cinnamon is interesting, I wrote her to be a little bit of a Spot kind of character, but the really mean side of Spot. Of course to Bianca Spot would be a monster. She's been so sheltered, really she has. I like this Mush, I didn't want him to be the usual sweet Mush, at least not on the surface, there will have to be a little bit of it hidden down in there, but they were all tough street boys. I can't see a tough guy and Mush, or at least the usual Mush so I set out to write him differently. I hope I can keep it up, it's harder than I thought.  
  
Sprite: Thank you honey. Glad you enjoyed my descriptions. Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! My characters are all blowing you kisses!  
  
Firecracker: Homework sucks, but unfortunately it must be done. I'm glad you took the time to read and review. Thanks!  
  
Rumor: Honey how many times must we go through the whole I drool over my own characters. Rolling Silver? Waitressing? I remember having to roll silverware at the end of the night, I hated it. Frustrated me to no end. Especially when I worked a double. Or was closing. She is a quick one, Bianca that is, very smart, still very naïve that will bite her later on. Can't wait for your next review!  
  
Rae Kelly: Good luck, and thanks!  
  
Angel: I agree Saucy is fun! I don't think the muses want you to like Cinnamon. Yup she cleaned the floors in her case cheers are very welcome. Jack is a player, oh is he a player. Here's your shout out. Sorry about last time. Let me know what character you would like to put in. Thanks for asking. Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Bianca is rather complex, but all good characters are so I'll take that as a wonderful compliment. Thank you! If you'd like to be in this story I have a major need for news girls, some that are in liege with Cinnamon and those that oppose her. Send me info and which side you'd like to be on. Again Thank you!  
  
Dream: Glad you liked the last chapter and the chapter before it, I hope this one follows suite. She is rather stuck up which always irritates people, but she has a good heart and she's about to get better. Thank you!  
  
Ali: Shivers? We're all the way up to shivers. Whooo hoo! Ah, you love it, come on admit it. A new guy to fall in love with. Mondie, well she can share. At least I hope she can, I don't know. Cinnamon will be competition for Bianca and she will cause trouble. Trouble that poor Bi isn't going to know how to handle at first. I don't know how I do it talk to the muses. They might be able to tell you where they come up with the ideas. I owe it all to them. You updated! YAYA! I was so happy you did, but you left me hanging there what is going to happen with Key and Lock? More soon please! Oh and Tigers could be mucho fun. I'll have to think about that.  
  
Pricilla: Hey thanks, I'm glad you like it. I know I do, but since I write to amuse myself that's a good thing. I don't know about leading anyone around by their hearts she still a little too snobby for them to see beyond it and like in reality there will be a quite a few that don't want to see beyond her façade. We'll see how she does. The muses are in heavy debates right now. I hope they resolve it enough for me to kick out another chapter here. Thanks honey.  
  
Raider: I know who you are, remember I added you into TTHG? Silly girl. Cinnamon will defiantly get more developed as a character, but I doubt you will like her as time goes on, she's well, she's a bitch. She's supposed to be and she's only going to get worse. She's also a bully and well, she just doesn't like Bi therefore things are going to get ugly between them. If you want to borrow her go right a head, I don't think she'd mind, but the muses ask that you get her back when they need her for another chapter. He, he, he. Okay enough with the weirdness. If you'd like to borrow Cam go right ahead. I can't wait to see what you do with these characters. Thank you for asking.  
  
Hotshot: I couldn't at first either, but at least she hasn't thrown an all out temper tantrum. No wailing and flailing fists, so perhaps there's hope for her yet. Jack's just eyeing a new prospect, but still when guys look at a good looking girl they get this lustful look and well he's no different. He does compliment her and all that fighting is going to come in handy.  
  
Sparker: I don't know, what did I do? Really it amuses me and that is what I write for. However it is nice to see that someone else in interested in what I write always makes me feel good. It's a Mush fic through and through. I really wanted to try to write Mush as he might have been, not the sweet, naïve, boy that he is always portrayed as. However I wanted to keep a little of that, in that perhaps he at one point was. Yeah she's pretty naïve, but you have to figure how sheltered women of that time were, especially women of the upper class. They had one purpose, to look pretty and one goal to get married. Glad you like it!  
  
Glimmer: Hey doll, yup, but she's got a long fall. Trust me. Poor kid. Good luck with that play you'll have to e-mail me all the details, or better yet have someone tape it and mail me a copy! Yaya! Thank you for the compliments, really honey you make me blush! What an eloquent compliment. Again with the blushing. Thank you!  
  
Diana: I wasn't worried about it. Really, I was grateful that you told me you complete and honest opinion. I really enjoy getting constructive criticism. Thank you!  
  
Falco: Yaya! I was beginig to think I had lost you. Where did my favorite lazy bum go? Weren't you leaving for a vacation? Hmmmmm, anway I missed you. Now which unknown bastard were you shooting? Adian? Humph he deserves it, but the muses still have a use for it so you can't shoot him until the end. I love Molly too. I hope you feel better. Bianca says she'll make you some soup, with Molly's help of course. Thank you doll, glad you love my story! Hey where did your story with Keza go? I want more of it!  
  
Soaker: Thank you, I am glad you like both my story and my characters, both are really important. I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as you have the previous ones.  
  
Spark Higgins: (Shakes head) Okay this is getting a little old. I wasn't forcing my SO, I am not angry at you. I'm 22 years old for crying out loud little things don't keep my angry for very long and I have way too much other stuff to be worried and angry over. Like the fact I can't get the apartment complex to fix my freakin disposal so I can clean my dishes. AHHHHHHHHHH! Don't get me started. I am glad you are reading this, but really I've been way over it for a while. I don't know you as well as my other reviewers that I write long SO's to, you haven't been reading my stuff for as long, nor did you really give me a review I could really chat about. At least not until now. I thanked you for your compliments, but again I don't know you therefore I can't chat with you about nothing and there wasn't enough there to go by. Okay I'm done. I hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
  
Firecracker: Hey thanks honey, glad you enjoyed it!  
  
If I left anyone out, I'm sorry. Thank you for reading and I love you all. 


	5. Unfriendly Introductions

Okay everyone, I hope you like this, my muses are a little rusty and glaring profusely at me for making them work so hard. Ooops! Still here's the new chapter, sorry it took so long. Enjoy, review! Smooches !  
  
I found that I enjoyed cooking; there was something mellowing about the way you measured, and mixed.  
  
"It looks like we've found a hidden talent Bianca." Molly said as we watched my biscuits turn from white, pasty, little blobs to fluffy golden biscuits. They smelled heavenly, and my stomach growled in response. Molly set the oatmeal she had placed over the stove after she had come down stairs from waking me, on the large table in the center of the kitchen. Eventually I would come to love the rough wooden table, come to love it for the happiness I would learn on its coarse surface. For one of my greatest joys would become cooking, with the revelation of this talent would only solidify the changes in my life.  
  
"The biscuits smell wonderful Molly." A husky voice said, as we both looked to the doorway to see Mush. I blushed and turned back to the oven, thankful for the excuse to turn away. Seeing him created a confusing feeling I didn't know what to do with. I had never felt it before; butterflies battled each other within the confines of my stomach. I felt a burning feeling in my cheeks and a soft ache in my chest. It was almost as though I was longing for something, but I couldn't place what I longed for, or why the longing seemed directed at Mush.  
  
"Bianca made them." I heard Molly say in the background, my thoughts too far internal to truly listen. "We've found a talent she didn't even know she had."  
  
I smiled to myself, enjoying the compliment down to my toes, though I was beginning to think that perhaps my promises to myself might not be as easy as I thought. I hummed softly as I pulled the biscuits from the oven, to join Molly's oatmeal. My mouth was watering as Molly set two on a plate with a large dollop of butter and honey inside.  
  
"Here ya go darlin'." Molly said to me, pushing the plate at me. "It seems only fair that ya taste the fruits of ya're labor first."  
  
Mush reached for one, tossing it between his hands and blowing on it in his haste to cool it enough to eat. I looked away quickly, and returned my attention to the plate. Hesitantly, I reached for it and lifted the warm bit of bread to my mouth; I had never actually had biscuits before, at least not buttermilk biscuits. My eyes opened wide as the warm mixture of honey, butter and biscuit reached my taste buds. It had to be one of the most delicious tastes I had ever had. My palate used to rich sumptuous foods, reveled in the simple goodness of the food that touched it.  
  
"Good isn't it?" Molly laughed, she had been watching for my expression and I had not disappointed her. I nodded, too polite to talk around the food in my mouth.  
  
"It's really good." Mush replied, his mouth muffled, having no such qualms what so ever.  
  
"Thank you." I responded, once my mouth was clear of its obstruction. Molly laughed, and Mush chuckled. I finished my meal as quickly as possible so that I might help Molly serve the food to the other boarders. When the people were gone, and the last dish was dried, Molly gave me a reward for the hard work I had been doing. She understood that the best way to ensure that I continued to work as I had been, was to reward me.  
  
"Bianca darlin'." I smiled, noticing that she ran it together as if it were one word instead of two. "I was thinking about what a wonderful job ya've been doin', and I started thinkin' ya might like to go to the market with me today. Ya have a little more money than I told ya, I thought ya might like to buy somethin' nice for yourself. "  
  
"Buy something for me?" I asked softly, I was so excited about the idea of buying something frivolous, that I wasn't angry with Molly for hiding the fact I had money from me.  
  
"Yes for you." she chuckled. "Mush, watch the place for me. We'll be back in time to start supper, and stay off that foot, or I'll make sure ya don't. I've got an old broom that's just waitin' to be broken."  
  
He nodded gravely, and made a big show of hobbling from the room. We laughed as only girls with the prospect of a few hours of shopping could. I grabbed my shawl from its peg in the kitchen, and met Molly in the parlor. Mush sat with a biscuit and a book in one of the chairs, his foot propped up on another chair. Molly gave him a look before she left, clearly reminded him that there would be dire consequences if he left the chair. He raised his hands in acquiescence and waved at us before Molly shut the door with a thump, as if punctuating her look.  
  
The streets were crowded with people, all in a myriad of colors and shapes. They moved to and fro, some even stopping in mid stride to turn the other way. Some you did not want to be close to, as the smell of rotten ale, stale food and cigar smoke made your stomach curl. Young children dodged between people, avoiding accidents with practiced ease, and heart stopping closeness. One narrowly missed being trampled under the hooves of a horse, another from the wheels of a carriage. Molly just led me through the throngs, knowing right where to go. She showed me how to find the most inexpensive food that was still tasty. She showed me how to test for ripe vegetables and fruit; with my newfound interest in the culinary arts, I watched her closely and stored the information as best I could.  
  
I watched her haggle with practiced ease, trying for all the world not to look like a fish that had landed out of its native water. I would have just given the vendors the price they asked. Molly took haggling to new heights, with a gift for it I knew I had never been blessed with. Still, I watched, taking mental notes on what she said and the different techniques she used.  
  
Finally, laden with produce, meats and other necessities, Molly changed direction and headed back from the way in which we had come. At least I hoped it was, for I had been frightfully turned about. I was so tired, I had forgotten our other mission until Molly reminded me. I wondered how Molly found her way through he maze of people. I knew I would have surely gotten lost, and clung to Molly's side like a barnacle to the hull of a ship. Loosing sight of her even for a moment filled me with a panicked fear. Luckily, she always came back for me, grabbing my arm, and retracing her steps.  
  
I could not help but watch in awe at the people around us. Some scantily clad women teased a street preacher as he raved about the state of their souls. I could tell their profession from the lewd way in which they spoke and held their bodies. It made me blush in reaction to what I had been so sheltered from. I had a feeling that if I continued to live here, I would soon lose those blushes. I prayed it would come quickly, for the flushing of my cheeks was becoming irritatingly frequent. Men rushed to and fro, some on their way to a job, some stumbling back from their liquid excesses at a near by tavern. Boys traveled past with newspapers, occasionally I would see them flirting with any of the girls their age. I blushed again, instantly reminded of Mush in every flashing grin and winking eye. Some were not as attractive as others, but they all seemed to have this ingrained knowledge of how to charm women. I wondered if it was a requirement for one to become a newsie . We wondered among the vendors, at last looking for that perfect thing in which I wanted to take home. I looked through ribbons, trinkets and even toyed with the idea of possibly a new skirt. For a girl that had been raised with more dresses than I could possibly wear in a week, the idea of having but two complete sets of clothes was a difficult adjustment. I fiddled with the handle of a porcelain brush and comb set, the rose that sprawled across the back was beautiful. It had caught my fancy, and at the same time would be useful. Molly smiled at me, believing that I had finally made my choice, just as I thought I had. Yet just as I opened my mouth to tell her that I had finally made my decision, I saw it.  
  
It struck me as odd to see something so beautiful, and so obviously out of place. Something that was so above the quality of all that surrounded it, yet so simple it almost fit. The rich golden tone of the wood that held carvings of roses and swirls was graceful, and the strings of the harp begged for me to test their sweet sound. I had learned early on that often the simplest, most elegant, things could be the most expensive, and my music teacher would have sold his soul for something of such obviously fine make.  
  
"Beautiful isn't it?" I looked up to see a small wiry man that immediately brought to mind a rat. It was not just his oily hair, and the smile that showed missing teeth, but the beady little eyes that watched me for some sign of weakness, as if judging for a way to exploit me. I knew he would take advantage of his blind grandmother if it might turn out profitable. Remembering the notes I had taken from Molly earlier, I shook my head disdainfully.  
  
"Not really," I sniffed. "Beautiful to look at for sure, but when it comes to quality, it is lacking."  
  
"The sound is true," the man protested; his eyes narrowed surprising me, I had not thought it possible. "I had it appraised by a man just this morning."  
  
"Did you?" I asked, brushing my hand across the strings, rewarded with a few out of tune notes. I knew a few of the strings might need replacing soon, but a good tuning would at least make it sound halfway to the beautiful rich tones that matched the wood it had been fashioned from. "Looking at the inferior strings, I do not believe you would ever be able to tune to sound as a true harp should. The person whom you spoke with must have been tone deaf. "  
  
"Ya ain't trickin' me with no fancy speakin' deary," the man said self assuredly. "I know what's worth money and what ain't."  
  
I drew upon my most condescending look, and turned it full force on him. He looked a little taken aback as I continued to stare him down.  
  
"That harp is as cheap as the velvet they hang as theater drapes," I replied, wincing inwardly at my bold lie. People around us began to watch with interest. Molly smiled to herself; having seen the appraising look in my eye, she stepped forward. I had set the stage for her to barter, and she did so with ease. I was surprised at how low of a price he actually let her go.  
  
"Throw in the hair brush, comb, and mirror there." Molly told him. I smiled, remembering how she had admired it with me. I picked up the harp, covering my excitement with disdain as we turned to walk away.  
  
"Looks as though cooking might not be your only hidden talent," Molly congratulated me. "You set that up perfectly. I'll have to bring ya along with me more often."  
  
I laughed with her for a moment, feeling as though I belonged. That moment was shattered as a shape detached itself from the shade of one of the buildings, and stood directly in our path. I shaded my eyes against the glare of the sun as it shown against the two figures, casting them into darkness. One walked toward me in a manner that immediately put me on the defense. It was the gate of a predator that has just spotted its prey, the other ambled along behind, head cocked in interest.  
  
Sunlight fell in bars between the buildings, and as one of them stepped into the light, her hair became a tumbled mass of red. I watched warily, coming to a halt only feet away from the door of Molly's boarding house. Cinnamon's gray eyes watched me, a smirk playing across her cupid's bow lips. I watched her warily as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. It fell in a wild tangle and made me feel inadequate with my neat chignon. Molly placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me an encouraging squeeze. I felt my heart begin to pound as the flight or fight reaction to this tense situation left me torn with how to react. I couldn't fight, and if I ran, she would have power over me. I took a deep breath and waited for her to do what ever it was she came to do.  
  
"Well, well, if it ain't Miss High and Mighty herself." Cinnamon mocked me as I gave her a bland look, forcing myself to keep her from seeing my fear. I was afraid she might smell it like a dog; I had to keep from giggling as that thought crossed my mind.  
  
"What do you want Cinnamon?" Molly asked, stepping close to me. She looked worriedly at Cinnamon's companion. The nervousness in her did nothing to calm me; she was afraid of the girl at Cinnamon's side. She just watched the scene unraveling before her like a patron at a play, we were entertaining her, and I had the feeling that if we stopped, there would be trouble.  
  
"I want her to stay away from Mush." Cinnamon replied through clenched teeth.  
  
"That's relatively hard to do when one is living under the same roof." I replied hesitating at first, afraid of the repercussions of my words. I bit down on my fear, and raised my chin defiantly. If there was ever a time that made me thankful of all the haughtiness I had been raised to have, it was right then. Cinnamon's eyes narrowed as she recognized my tone, it was one she had been forced to deal with all of her life, and I knew that she had resented it. I wasn't sure if it was a good move, but at that point I was in too deep to back down. Not to mention too proud to let this girl demean me.  
  
"Ya think that ya come in here, all high and mighty, and steal our men. Go back to ya own world princess. Ya don't belong, and ya ain't never gonna belong." Cinnamon hissed, her cheeks flushing becomingly.  
  
"There's only one world, and I will go where I please, as I please, with whom I please," I replied, my own temper igniting. She might have intimidated me before, but I was no stranger to girls that didn't want another to be near "their man". Cinnamon's companion looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes as I spoke, she wasn't a foe, but I knew she was far from a friend.  
  
"Come on Cin, this ain't worth it. I thought when ya had me come with ya it would be interestin'; it ain't," she said, her tone quiet as she watched me curiously. "I'm all for a fight, but this is stupid. Anyone that hears her talk would tell ya Mush ain't never gonna be interested in a priss like her. She may be a looker, but she ain't the 'livin' life to the hilt and to hell with rules' kinda girl. I like fightin', but I ain't no bully, and this hoity toity miss couldn't defend herself if we gave her a stick. So let's, go it ain't worth my time."  
  
I didn't know whether to breathe a sigh of relief, or be angry at the speech. Molly tugged on my arm in warning, and I decided to be relieved rather than insulted.  
  
"Shut ya trap, Ruin. I ain't gonna take lip from ya 'bout who I should warn." Cinnamon growled. "If I wanna beat the shit out of her, I'm gonna, whether it be because of Mush, or because she's a snotty bitch."  
  
"What did ya say to me?" the newly introduced Ruin asked, with a voice that made even me shiver. Her eyes held a light in them that made me back up, Molly with me. The air around us seemed to still as Cinnamon turned to look at Ruin, her eyes narrowing. Ruin moved too quickly for me to see; all I saw was Cinnamon staggering back and Ruin's right fist cocking back for another blow, her left hand clenching Cinnamon by the hair, tugging her head back in a rough manner that made me wince. I hugged my harp tightly and waited, unsure of this new development. Ruin's fist tugged until Cinnamon was ready to fall over, the tears of pain making her eyes flash angrily. It was bad enough to be humiliated by Ruin, but even worse to be humiliated in front of me.  
  
"No one talks to me like that Cinnamon; ya got it, no one," Ruin snarled as she released the girl with a shove that sent her to her knees in front of me. "Next time ya wanna play, get one of ya lackeys to do it. I got me reputation."  
  
"Ya gettin' soft Ruin." I heard a familiar male voice say softly. I turned to see Mush standing only a few feet away, leaning nonchalantly against a lamppost. I could see his was leaning against it to take the weight from his injured ankle. Had I not known of his injury, I might not have realized that is what he was doing. He stood with his arms akimbo, the look on his face one of masculine protection, and everyone knew who exactly his protection had been extended to.  
  
"Say that again, Jackass." Ruin snapped, whirling to face him.  
  
"Ya shoulda pummeled her." Mush replied, looking nonplussed at the girl that rounded on him furiously. I shivered; whatever happened, I made a note never to be on Mush's side of her rage. "Normally, ya woulda pummeled her."  
  
Mush's face held a warning; one that even through her anger, Ruin saw and understood. She seemed to deflate a little. Looking at Mush's muscles that were held in check as he waited for her to calm, but still braced for her attack, I would have backed down too. Ruin didn't look as though she wanted to back down, but from the grudging respect on her face, I knew she would. I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding.  
  
"She ain't no challenge." Ruin sighed, looking at her ragged fingernails. "As I said before, I gotta reputation, and she ain't no challenge. I've beaten her before."  
  
"Ya sure did." Mush acknowledged. "So, what exactly are ya doin' down here?"  
  
"Intimidatin' Cinnamon's new competition there," Ruin replied, as the anger seemed to run out of her. I doubted it was actually draining fully, just pouring into a reservoir for future use. She seemed to be a person that thrived off of her anger, and held onto it until a moment when she could let it loose and leave a path of, well, ruin.  
  
"Cinnamon ain't got no competition." Mush responded, turning his attention to Cinnamon and glowering. "There ain't been nothin' between us since she decided she didn't want nothin' between us, and there sure as hell ain't never going to be again. She had a chance, and I'd be a damned idiot to give her another."  
  
"I'd soak ya if ya did." Ruin added, giving Cinnamon a glare of her own. Cinnamon glared at me, her earlier anger at me only increased by the situation she had put herself in. There was no way for her to bow out gracefully. I tried not to smile in triumph, but from the tightening in her face, I could see she had seen the flash in my eyes, if not the smile I had squelched. "Though I gotta admit Mush, ain't no girl ever turned down Spot Conlon."  
  
"Ain't no girl of mine gonna turn to Spot Conlon either," Mush said firmly. "If she's worth it, I'll be worth it enough to say no. Now get outta here Cinnamon, why don't ya take a trip to Brooklyn, I can think of someone that's always ready for the likes of you."  
  
Cinnamon stood flushed and furious, her eyes flashed dangerously as she stalked toward Mush and slapped him, putting her full weight behind it. He grabbed her arm even as his head rocked back squeezing it in a manner that had to be painful. She let out a low whimper as he shoved her back. She whirled as he let her go, and stormed past me, knocking me to the pavement with a well placed jerk of her shoulder against mine. I held onto my harp with all I was worth, afraid it would crack; my head connected with the cobblestones hard enough to make me see stars, but the harp was unharmed.  
  
"Mush ain't always gonna be around little girl," she hissed as she loomed over me. She stepped over me stomping down on my hand as she did. I let out a shocked cry of pain, and I saw Mush push away from the lamppost to intervene.  
  
"Ya leave her alone Cinnamon," Mush warned as he held a hand out to help me up. "She ain't done nothin' to ya, anything that happened here was cause of ya own stupidity."  
  
"Anythin' that happened here is between me and that bitch," Cinnamon snapped. "Eventually ya not gonna be there Mush, and she'll get what's commin' ta her."  
  
Mush just shook his head, and Ruin looked on in interest. Her muscles were tense and waiting for something to happen, something to let loose that anger. We watched Cinnamon's departure for a moment before Molly turned to me and took my hand in hers, to see if any of the fingers were broken. The last two had already started to bruise and swell, but the others seemed to be all right. Still it was painful, and I had never really been in any amount of physical pain.  
  
I whimpered as Molly worked with my fingers. She tested them, and finally when she decided they were not broken, she began to force them to move. Tears fell down my cheeks and my whimpering only got louder. Mush squeezed my other hand in an attempt to make me stop, as Ruin made an exasperated noise.  
  
"I ain't sittin' here and listenin' to the baby, I'm headin' back to the Lodgin' House," she finally snapped. "Before I loose my temper and give that little milk sop somethin' to really cry about."  
  
I watched her leave indignantly, stifling my tears and glaring at her back until she turned the corner and was gone from sight.  
  
"It hurts." I whined softly.  
  
"I'll bet it does," Mush sighed. "Let's get ya inside; I think ya've gotten into enough trouble for one day."  
  
"But I didn't do anything." I bleated tearfully.  
  
"That's just the problem." He said under his breath. "It seems to follow ya where ever ya go. I'm not gonna be able to let ya out of my sight for a moment, will I?"  
  
"I can take care of myself," I replied in frustration. Realizing as I said the words that I was wrong, it irked me that I was going to have to rely so heavily upon him just to survive.  
  
"Yeah, I can see that," Mush said, the sarcasm dripping from his words.  
  
"We'll take care of her," Molly broke in, before we could begin to bicker in earnest. "I'm not exactly a soft little twit Mush, I've taken on worse than Cinnamon. I'm a Sullivan, and we're fighters."  
  
Mush smiled at her and gave her a nod of agreement, the closeness of the two made me feel excluded. I had never been very close with anyone, and I found myself praying that I could make myself part of that. Still, prayers may be answered, but the road to what you want can be riddled with dangers and temptations. My life was changing too rapidly for me to even catch my breath, and all I could do was hold on. Lessons were coming, lessons that would have to be learned, or I would have but one choice; it was a choice I hoped to never have to contemplate.  
  
Rae Kelly: Here's more, glad you love it  
  
Soaker: I can't say the muses would kill me then the story in that order. We'll see about those two. Mush doesn't have crushes, he's a bad boy, however Bianca is very impressionable so we'll see. Thank you!  
  
AaronLohrLover24 - oooh we love hugs, more please! We're hugging you back. Glad you like it, tell me if it gets boring!  
  
Falco: My favorite lazy bum, how ya doin? Hey if you want to be in this, send me a profile, the muses might let you kill him, but I'm not sure. We'll see, still I could use the characters. Waffles please, my muses are over worked and under fed. Suck up all you want. He he he. Thank you doll, I'm glad you like this that much.  
  
Sparker; Of course you get a SO. I try to get them for every story. Really I do. Glad I'm doing something different, really I'm trying. Thank you!  
  
Dreamer: Well she's back. Not sure Bianca's too happy about seeing Cinnamon, but she's back none the less. I love the word cad, hmmm a new one to add to my list. I miss you honey, hope to talk to you soon. Oh and thanks for editing!  
  
Pricilla: So far everyone likes my Mush, I think I like him a lot. It was really hard to do, we all have this stereotype of who Mush is so trying to break that mold has been a challenge, still I like a challenge. Trust me Spot will definitely make an appearance, just hold on to your petticoats. Updated Battle With Fate twice since I did this, still another update is on the way soon. Thank you for reading!  
  
Ali: So are you still studying or have you been able to put the books away for the summer? I hope you have because then maybe I'll get an update! Hope Mush makes you all hot and bothered. I wrote more, hope you enjoyed!  
  
Mondie: Hey did you e-mail me your profile or did you send it out with the CC? I'm hoping it was in with the CC because I need them now. I finally got to a point to use them and I lost them. AHHHHHHHHH! Please send it to me again. The only one I could find again was Ruin, obviously. So anyway, thank you for the review. I'm glad you are enjoying this.  
  
Glimmer: Okay I reviewed your story, really I think I did. Let me know if I didn't and I will. I read it at any rate and I love it. I can't wait until you post another chapter. I'm your hero? Golly gee really? *Ducks head and blushes*. Thank you doll.  
  
Snooza: Yeah, Mush couldn't have been all sweet and naïve. Really he lived on the streets for crying out loud. It's just the face though, he has a very sweet face. Thank you. I hope you enjoyed this very belated update.  
  
Angel: He, he, he, saucy, scandalous, wonderful words! Hey resend that info, I lost it. Bad me, bad, bad me. I know really I'm horrible, but I need it if I'm going to put you in. the only profile I was able to find was for Ruin. We'll see about more of bad boy Mush seducing innocent little Bianca. The muses have me at their mercy. Glad you enjoyed, I hope you continue to.  
  
SparkHiggins: Thank you, I'm glad you liked, I hope this chapter was enjoyable as well. I have to agree I like Mush's kisses, the muses wrote that very well. Thanks again  
  
Dream: Applauds the show. Bravo, bravo, encore. P.S. I'm sure he'll kiss her again.  
  
Ice Renegade: Wow what a compliment. Thank you, I'm not sure if I'm that talented, but I sure enjoy writing. As for the romance, we'll see what happens.  
  
Reffy: Thank you, I'm really glad you liked this. Trust me there was no rush, what a couple months lapse. I'll try to update sooner. Thanks again.  
  
Pixidust: Thank you! I haven't died, I'm still writing I promise! Hope you liked! 


	6. Switched Places

Okay it's been so long since I posted I couldn't wait to post this. Sorry it hasn't been edited, it's a little raw, hope it isn't to illegible. Just a little warning.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to J.P. Honey I am so glad you are better, hurray! Love you!  
  
My whimpering did not cease as we entered the boarding house. Molly held my harp in her arms as though it were her most prized position and not mine. Mush gave me a pained yet patient look, I knew that my tears were irritating him, but at that moment I didn't care.  
  
"Take Bianca into the kitchen Mush." Molly ordered as she turned toward the stairs. I started to object not wanting my harp to end up in a place that might lead towards damage, I was propelled protestations and all into the kitchen. Mush turned me once we reached the table and lifted me to sit as though I were nothing more than a small child. He shook his head at me again, his hands lingering a little longer than necessary at my waist.  
  
"Whatta we gonna do with ya?" he asked, " Ya ain't never hurt yaself before have ya?"  
  
"It is rather hard to hurt oneself when one is forced to remain indoors and to behave like a lady at all times." I replied a touch of bitterness to my tone. The children I had seen playing in the streets with such blissful abandon did not seem as though they lacked for anything.  
  
"I can't imagine it'd be much fun, still ya had something warm in ya belly, and didn't want for anything." Mush admonished. I hung my head, he was right and after my harrowing experience in the gutter I knew that I had led a rather charmed if boring life. Still if it hadn't been for Aidan I would still be happily ensconced in my former life. Ruling the house like some kind of dictator, while my every whim was catered to. I blushed remembering my previous attitude. It was getting harder and harder to handle looking into myself and realizing the true me.  
  
I was finding that part of what had made me such a brat was the knowledge that I liked nothing about myself. Part of me had longed for some paternal and maternal love, and had struck out in any way to try to get it. Still my parents had not been capable of it, and I have fought long and hard not to become bitter over the fact. At the time these realizations were no more than something that stood on the tip of my mind.  
  
I think Mush knew, I know that Molly did, for if she hadn't she would have booted me out on my spoiled little rump long before.  
  
Luckily for me Molly bustled in with something wrapped in a bit of cloth, that she handed over to Mush before turning to the table where most of her purchases had managed to end up, thanks to one of the boarders returning early from work. Mush turned to me, gently placing the package on my injured hand.  
  
"Stop," Mush growled as I gasped and tried to pull my hand away from the bundle. "This will help, I promise."  
  
After a moment cold began to seep through the cloth and into my hand. I realized that Molly had sacrificed a small piece of her expensive ice in order to ease my discomfort.  
  
"Thank you." I sniffled making a vain attempt to stifle my whimpers and tears. Mush softened as Molly began cutting up bits of vegetable and meat to go into the pot hanging above the fire. Something gently brushed the pieces of hair that had stuck to my wet cheeks away from my face. Looking I found Mush with an adorable lop sided grin that flashed for a moment before he brushed away the last of my tears, and for the first time it hit me. I wanted him to like me, to adore me, to tell me all of the wonderful things that had meant nothing from my suitors. I wanted him to be a suitor, of all the ridiculous things. Men had chased after me for years and never once had I paid it much thought. I had toyed with them and cut them free when it amused me and I found I was dangerously close to putting myself in the very same position. Those golden brown eyes had the power to capture a girl's heart just as a flutter of my lashes had often captivated men's hearts. However, I doubt they were captivated beyond my pretty face, still I regret that it may have been the case. I had been too shallow and cruel to understand it at the time I am afraid.  
  
I wanted to pull away, but something in those eyes stayed me. I heard Molly cough breaking the spell that he was weaving over me and turned away quickly the color high in my cheeks. I saw not a scowl on Molly's face but a calculating smile and I wondered just what was up her sleeve. Mush however contented himself with snatching an apple from beneath a couple of fresh carrots and taking a bit bite out of it.  
  
I scooped up the ice and turned from them both too confused to do little other than start for my room. Unfortunately before I could make my escape two individuals made their way into the doorway and effectively blocked my path. Taking a step back, nervous from my previous encounter with Cinnamon and Ruin, I shied away from the red headed girl that followed a grinning Jack.  
  
I had found so far in my adventures that female newsies meant trouble and from air of authority that settled like a mantle around the girl I was sure she was more trouble than I needed. I attempted to skirt around them, but was cut off by the girl stepping in front of me. I tried not to shrink away from her, but my lessons of the day were a little too fresh in my mind.  
  
"Is this the one Jack?" she asked the anger in her voice sounded as though she was fighting to control it.  
  
"Yup that's her." Jack replied blithely spitting in his hand and holding it out to Mush who responded in kind as though it were some sort of greeting they were both familiar with. I found it rather disgusting.  
  
"I thought it was your job to keep Cinnamon in line." Molly snapped from her spot behind the table. My attention was pulled from the newcomer to my champion and I smiled in spite of myself at her, she looked like an irked little pixy.  
  
" You know better than I do the amount of control I have over Cinnamon." The girl responded. " I heard from Ruin what happened and came here first thing. I apologize for the way she attacked you and we will attempt to keep any such things from happening again."  
  
I looked at her in surprise and awe. I hadn't heard a bit of correct English since I had run from home. Both Jack and Mush's accents and slang were practically a foreign language, and even Molly's soft brogue was not exactly proper.  
  
" My mother was a governess before she died. I assure you I am quite educated." The girl continued as though reading my mind. " After all, these brutes would still be quite illiterate had I not become a newsie."  
  
"J.P., you're responsible for the miserable wretch." Molly snapped  
  
" You are right, and I have attempted to correct that by coming here to apologize for her rude behavior, but you know how she gets about Mush. She wants him, can't have him, and she will be damned if anyone else will have anything to do with him." The newly introduced J.P replied blithely ignoring Molly's scowl. " You also know if Cin had more support I would be at the bottom of the Hudson right now, just because I have been elected leader does not mean everyone is willing to be lead by me. There are three groups of us Molly, those that follow Cinnamon, those that follow me, and those like Ruin who follow their own craziness."  
  
" Not too sure who's crazier though Cinnamon, or Ruin." Jack added as he swiped Mush's apple and took a bite from it. I shook my head unable to grasp just yet that there was a friendly girl newsie among the lot. I had met a pitiful few, but one tends to learn from previous learned lessons, if one is lucky that is.  
  
" Damn woman, hasn't had any claim on me in three years and she hasn't interfered with any of the girls I've had, uh.........." he trailed off, surprisingly dropping his head and his ears turned pink.  
  
" Relations with?" J.P. supplied helpfully.  
  
" Yeah." Mush growled his embarrassment fading much faster than my own.  
  
" Well that's because relations with those girls were a quick moment for you. Cinnamon has it in her head that this one could become more." J.P. replied. "For the first time she may actually have some competition for your heart, at least that's what she believes. I'll make my own opinion."  
  
"I'd have to have a heart first." Mush muttered darkly. " I wouldn't be too quick to believe I'm gonna fall for anyone J.P. I made that mistake once, I ain't in any hurry to repeat it."  
  
I felt my heart sink despite my inward scolding and assurances that I wanted nothing to do with Mush on a romantic level, however it is hard to lie to oneself. That truth only irritated me further.  
  
" I rather resent being talked about as though I were not in the room." I said stiffly. " Nor do I enjoy being paired with someone that has made it very clear time and again he is not interested. Nor do I appreciate the general assumption that I am interest, the sun does not rise and set with Mush. Nor does every woman find him so attractive that she just can't live with out him."  
  
"Good." Mush snapped. " As long as we have that clear, you all can leave it alone."  
  
J.P. smirked, Molly hid a smile, and Jack just looked confused by their responses. I just watched them with a wary look.  
  
"There's a party at Medda's tonight Mush." Jack said suddenly changing the subject and the room seemed to collectively let out a sigh of relief.  
  
"That so?" Mush asked smirking. " Sounds interesting."  
  
"I figured I would spring ya from here for a night of fun." Jack continued on waving away Molly's protests.  
  
"Count me in." Mush replied with satisfied enthusiasm.  
  
"Spot Conlon's gonna be there." Jack added as an after thought.  
  
" Well, then things is gonna be more interesting ain't they?" Mush's question was more of a statement, a statement that made Molly scowl. I wondered who Spot Conlon was; all I knew of him was that Cinnamon hadn't been able to resist him while she was still Mush's girl. I wondered what sort of man could distract from Mush's irresistible pull.  
  
" What about you Bianca?" J.P. asked her eyes sparkling with a light I wasn't too sure I liked. There was some unspoken plan going between Molly and her. Unfortunately I had a feeling it had something to do with me.  
  
" What about me?" I questioned, somewhat confused by her question. What did I have to do with tonight? They would go to Medda's which contrary to what they may believe I knew who and what Medda's was. I had never been for no self-respecting woman of the upper class would have dared to set foot in it. Still it made for wonderful gossip around the parlors of the sophisticated.  
  
" Would you like to come?" She invited, a slow smile spreading across her face. I looked at her my shocked look must be turning to outright astonishment. What in the world would give her the idea I was the sort of woman that would ever set foot such a place.  
  
"Hell no." Mush snapped, pulling me out of my flabbergasted state with the sharp tone in his voice. " No way is she goin within a hundred yards of Cinnamon right now."  
  
"Cinnamon isn't going to be there." J.P. countered her eyes flashing with triumph. "She's been banned from Medda's for the next two weeks on account of her bad behavior. Jack backed me up and any of the newsies that see her there are going to kick her right back out."  
  
"There be no way I'll be lettin her go." Molly broke in. " Not with the likes of Spot Conlon there, the last thing we need is her becomin sweet on himself."  
  
" I think I can handle myself properly." I replied my voice doing little to hide my aggravation. The reputation of Medda's patrons be damned. I was going to go even if only because they told me I couldn't. " I'd love to go."  
  
They all looked at me in surprise and I squared my shoulders turning to the door to go prepare myself to leave.  
  
"I'll be in my room getting ready, please, J.P. see that they don't leave with out me." I said loftily as I breezed from the room as though I was going to yet another cotillion.  
  
"She ain't goin Mush." Molly hissed as I started down the hall and I paused to listen. "She's not ready, you hear me, you take her into Medda's and she's gonna make more enemies that she can handle. She's already made a couple of formidable ones."  
  
"Don't think we've got much say." Mush responded his voice sounding resigned. " I'd bet all of next weeks pay that if we tell her no she's just gonna find another way to go. Why the hell did you invite her J.P.?"  
  
"Perhaps we can show her that not all newsies are bad." J.P. told him soothingly. " For crying out loud it's not as though she's met the best of us. Besides I think she'll have fun. You can't keep her locked up forever."  
  
"She doesn't know what fun is." Mush muttered.  
  
"Then it's up to us to show her." J.P. snapped finally tiring of him. She turned to Molly who was silently seething, her Irish temper raised more than I had ever seen it before. "We'll keep an eye on her Molly. I promise. What's the worst that could happen?"  
  
" Trust me there's plenty that could happen." Molly grumbled tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she pounded the bread dough she had mixed into submission. " I just hope none of it does."  
  
"I kind of like her, she reminds me of someone." J.P. sighed. "Don't worry about her, she'll be in the best hands."  
  
"That's what I'm worried about." Molly mumbled. I had to stifle a giggle of excitement and triumph. I was going to Medda's; neither Molly nor Mush had any choice. I think if I had known what would happen I would have never gone. Still if I hadn't gone, I would have never become whom I am. Many of us have regrets about our life, but without those regrets our lives would have been vastly different. I try not to have regrets.  
  
Okay sorry about the self imposed exile. Faire takes up so much of my time, but now it's fall and I have lots of free time on my hands. Hopefully, I'll be able to write more often. Depends on the wedding plans. Love you all!  
  
Dreamer: Well you were the first to review. Thank you, it's been a long time since we last talked, I hope to talk to you soon.  
  
Rae Kelly: Thank you, hope you still love it. J.P. : Love you honey, thank you for the animal crackers. I know it's been a while since I've updated anything, but here it is in all it's glory, or lack there of. I'm a little rusty. Still I added you, I need a J.P. name that you actually like. Help me a little with the initials and a description. I am so happy you are well! Talk to you soon!  
  
Hotshot: Wow what a compliment. I wasn't too sure about Ruin. It can be so difficult to write someone else's character. No I don't have your cc by the way could you please send it to me. Please! I'm glad you like Mush, I like him more and more. I'm a little rusty so I hope this chapter was okay. Thanks again!  
  
Katfightonskis: Thank you, I didn't want her to be tough it's just not in the upper class. Still she's getting over her brattyness more and more. Hope you liked it.  
  
Dream: Yup trouble, that's exactly what she is sorry I haven't been too good about updating.  
  
Mpfan: Thank you I try for realism, I really do. I am so glad that someone thinks I'm achieving that. Thank you again!  
  
Rumor: Hey grams how ya doin? Did ya miss me? I missed you. So far the general opinion is that everyone likes Ruin, especially Keza, which is good since it's her creation. I'm hoping for a long review. Later chica!  
  
Lucky: Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it  
  
Angel: Thank you for your profile, I need it desperately for the next chapter. I'm hoping you don't earn any weird looks for this chapter. Hope you liked it!  
  
Tiger: Thank you, I am glad you are enjoying my story. Hope you continue to do so.  
  
Keza: Wow coming from the creator of Ruin, thanks I was a little worried about it. You gave me quite the compliment there. My whole goal was to take an over used plot and make it a real read. Just as I tried with the whole time travel bit in Hourglass. I am glad I am achieving my goal even if it were just with you. So far everyone that has reviewed has enjoyed it. Thanks again! 


	7. Complications

Okay NJL members I've finally posted this chapter. I hope that I haven't butchered what little I added in for the members that sent me info. Really those that I added in this chapter were little more than cameo's, but let me know if I'm taking a character in the wrong direction.  
  
I quickly searched my room for the nicest clothes I could find. I still owned the dress I had arrived in. Though torn, tattered, and stained beyond even Molly's experienced and miracle working washing I kept it to remember by. It was not something I could wear to such a place as Medda's, besides Molly had taken the pearl buttons from the back, the delicate lace edging from it and put it on one of my shirts. It was supposed to be for my Sunday best, but I desperately wanted to look nice. To recapture at least a small part of the glamour I had once had. I wanted to be seen and be beautiful. Quickly I changed my from the dirt smudged shirt into the clean one. I surveyed myself it was rather prim for evening wear, but I no longer had clothing that distinguished between night and day. Glancing down at my skirt I realized it too had dirt and refuse from the street adorning it. I rummaged through my small chest of drawers looking through the three skirts I owned. There was only one choice that could be made, charcoal would make me seem even primmer than the high-necked shirt already did, the green could only be described as serviceable, so that left the red. It was the only concession to my personal fashion sense Molly had allowed me. The color was rich and dark more of a wine than a true red, with just a hint of purple. I had set my chin and prepared for a fight when I had picked it from among the others, but Molly had taken one look at my face and shrugged. I wished more than ever for my ladies maid as I looked in the mirror that hung above the dresser. My hair it's usual gentle curls falling in mad disarray. The neat chignon that Molly had done for me that morning was missing a few hair pins, compliments of Cinnamon, causing it's disorder. I sighed as I picked up the torture tool that most called a brush and set to attempting to get some order back into my locks. After I finished my scalp tingled and wisps stuck up, but my hair had been tamed back into the only hairstyle I had mastered, pulling it back with the ivory combs that I had arrived with.  
  
I walked to the top of the stairs pausing as I had been taught to do. The sound of voices just below me in the parlor let me know that everyone had congregated there as I had changed. I ran a quick and over my hair and took a deep breath before descending. They all stood in a little knot deep into conversion about something. It was Mush that first glanced up at the creaking of the step below my feet. His eyes did not widen, I did not see his breath catch as I had with so many other men as they had glanced at me, as I found I was hoping he would. Instead he merely looked, nearly no expression on his face, his eyes burning into me as he glanced me over. Burning into my gaze as they rested on my face for a moment before he shook his head and turned nonchalantly to Jack and to return to his conversation. Jack was too busy pulling J.P.'s braid to take any notice of me. Only Molly had a reaction and hers was to tighten her lips at the sight of me.  
  
"Well you sure do make a picture." She said though it did not sound as though she were particularly happy with the fact. It was as close a compliment as I was going to get and I smiled in thanks. She just harrumphed and turned on her heel to stalk back into the kitchen.  
  
"I have a feeling you sure will create a stir." J.P. told me, her eyes twinkling. Jack's eyes were following her as she took my arm in hers and led me to the door. " It will be nice to have someone to shake things up a bit."  
  
"I'm not too sure that I want to shake things up if all newsies are like those that I have met." I replied glancing back to find Mush's eyes on me. It gave me a little thrill, though they flicked away the moment they met mine. His reaction confused me, I was so used to open admiration I could not tell if he even noticed me. All I knew was that he was watching me as though afraid to let me out of his sight. Rather like a big brother, or at least what I thought how a big brother would have looked had I had one. I sighed, well perhaps there would be someone more interesting at Medda's. Perhaps this Spot Conlon was worth taking a look over. If Mush was interested at all Spot Conlon would surely insight his jealousy.  
  
The walk to Medda's was relatively brief, at least in comparison to the walk I had taken to the market earlier that day. Still J.P. guided me around as though know exactly how little I still knew about the streets, which looking back on it I must have screamed it.  
  
I looked up at the sign, it's lights garishly telling everyone who passed that Medda , the Swedish Meadow Lark had landed here to sing. Though in reality it had been years that Medda had sang in this exact spot. I felt so excited it was making me giddy.  
  
"Heya Mush how's it rollin? A voice called I turned to see a blonde making his way through a group of boys that were casually lounging on the vivid red carpeted stairway. One eye was covered with a patch giving him the roguish air of a pirate. I smiled hesitantly at him. "Who's the dame?"  
  
I stiffened at being called a dame, such words were not used to describe women in my social circle. Luckily for me Mush kicked me lightly in the ankle, turning my irritation directly towards him. He just smiled at me innocently and turned his attention back to the blonde.  
  
"Kid, not to bad." Mush replied, as they did the same disgusting spit handshake he had performed previously with Jack. A few of the boys drifted from the stairs at this exchange each calling out their own greeting before repeating the same ritual. I glanced around and they continued with the small talk and the slapping of backs. It was more raw masculinity than I had ever been forced to endure.  
  
It couldn't have lasted more than a few minutes before they were all heading up the stairs. J.P. tugged at my arms and I followed taking a deep breath. This was it, I was finally going to enter the theater all the women I had known had wanted to enter, but were too afraid. Too afraid of the repercussions, too afraid of how it could tarnish their reputation. Though their men folk came on occasion I doubted this would be the night for it. Too many of the common riff raff tonight. We headed up the stairs to where the balconies were situated. We continued down a hallway where red velvet curtains hid some of the balconies from view. Others had been pulled back and I could see the pandemonium that was below. Boys of all ages laughed, yelled, and created general mayhem in the seats below.  
  
It was decorated in a less expensive version of the theater where I had often attended the opera. We stopped in front of one such alcove; it's balcony curtains drawn. Two young men stood guard, each leaning against the wall in seeming complacency, but I had a feeling it was just an act.  
  
" Well, well, if it ain't Jacky boy and his little followers." One of the boys said taking a drag off of his cigarette and aiming it at us. I coughed and spluttered waving my hand in front of my face delicately. When they did not apologize I took my lacy handkerchief from my sleeve and placed it over my nose giving them my most baleful glare as I did.  
  
I go no more than a speculative look from either, though the lewd smiles they exchanged made me stiffen once again. Mush just pushed me behind him and glared at them, to my surprise they immediately looked away and then turned their attention back to Jack.  
  
"Why don't ya let me pass there Frankie, I'm not thinkin Spotty's gonna take to kindly to ya startin a war with Manhattan." Jack said quietly, his voice taking on a tone of authority that I hadn't heard. J.P. just winked at me though her eyes strayed back to Jack and lingered there for a moment. I smiled to myself knowing that the leader of the female newsies was quite interested in the leader for the male. It was apropos really.  
  
One of the two hulking brutes just jerked his head in the direction of the balcony and Jack nodded in response before lifting the aged red velvet and stepping beyond it. J.P. followed, and I waited patiently for someone to hold it aside for me. Mush just sighed before pushing me through, ignoring as I let out an outraged squawk and I flounced around to give him a piece of my mind.  
  
" Could you be a gentleman for a few moments?" I hissed. " Would it really kill you to hold the curtain aside or are you too much of a Neanderthal to do more than grunt before you push ladies around."  
  
I realized a little too late as the little area became dead silent, I had just given away what Mush had been trying his best to hide. There was no hiding my walk, my talk, or my manners, but I had just single handedly let everyone know I was not born of their class. I glanced about the dangerously quiet room a few of the occupants giving me cold looks. My eyes finally stopped caught and drawn in by an icy look from a pair of eyes whose color matched his frosty gaze. He cocked an eyebrow at me as though he was doing me a favor by merely acknowledging my presence. I raised an eyebrow back drawing myself up to my full diminutive height and letting him know just how unimpressed I was by his look. Though in reality I was rather taken by it. Even in my circle I had never seen someone who had such presence.  
  
"Don't mind Mush he is rather a brute, never could understand what all the girls see in him. Personally I don't understand the interest the mannerless hulk generates." J.P. said breaking the silence and doing it in a way that caused chuckles. The whole atmosphere seemed to relax though Mush was shooting darts at me through those big chocolate eyes of his. I just shrugged him off and turned my attention back to J.P. I noticed that there were a few other girls were sitting or standing in the room. Ruin leaned against the wall a cigarette in her hand a ring of smoke haloing her head. Her grin was evil as she pushed away to stand fully and brushed past me in a way that let me know she was less than impressed. I just thanked my lucky stars she hadn't chosen that moment to take offense to me.  
  
"So Spot, ya in or out?" A young man of obvious Italian descent asked as he absentmindedly shuffled the cards in his hands.  
  
"What do ya think Race?" Spot asked though those eyes still remained on me, his gaze still unflinching as he gave me a wink and boyish grin that was entirely disarming. I certainly hadn't expected such a human aspect to him.  
  
"You watch yourself, he knows just how to get what he wants." J.P. whispered in my ear. " He's one who takes and never gives. He's the worst kind of rake."  
  
"Really." Was my reply, as I glanced him over. Sure he was handsome, but that wasn't what drew you to him, there was something else. An aura, a presence, he was one of those few people you couldn't ignore even if you wanted to. I was beginning to see how Cinnamon could have forsaken Mush for such a guy. He had something else, a whiff of the bad boy, the one they tell you to stay away from, but no matter how hard you try you can't.  
  
I forced my eyes away from him and settled on the knowing smile a small girl with clouds of curly dark colored hair.  
  
"He takes some getting used to." She told me her smile turning to a smirk as she nodded toward Spot. " I've heard about you."  
  
"Not to sure we really wanted to hear about you." Another said tersely. She turned away looking back to the card game that was in progress. Money was piled in the center of the table that everyone with cards was looking at intently.  
  
"What are they playing?" I whispered to J.P. she smiled at me in understanding my cheeks already a held a tinge of pink. Some was for the embarrassment of my outburst, some for my ignorance.  
  
"Poker." She replied. " High stakes tonight, someone might actually loose the shirt off his back."  
  
"They loose their shirts?" I asked in shock.  
  
"It's a figure of speech though with some of these boys I wouldn't put it past them to bet that much." She chuckled. " See that's Race over there, the Italian with the cards next to him. He's the best we know, even Spot Conlon has a hard time beating him. There are rumors he counts cards, but none of us really know. With his hot temper most are too afraid to ask. Spot Conlon is to his left. The self proclaimed King of Brooklyn, and he runs it with an iron fist. Not many would be willing cross him; they'd be too likely to wind up dead. He's a womanizer as I warned you, be careful of him. The girl that spoke to you first, that's Andra Fitzgerald, we call her Senorita, she's gets sweet on any boy with a Spanish accent or looks. The dark haired boy next to her is Bumlets, she's had it bad for him for years. The other girl is Hotshot, she's got a soft spot for Mush. She hates Cinnamon so at least you've got that going for you. Feisty is sitting next to her, I won't even belittle your intelligence to tell you why we call her that you'll see soon enough. Next is Misprint, she can't spell worth anything, though I've tired for years to teach her. Be careful she doesn't take well-to-well girls like you. Lute is sitting on the other side of Bumlets, you two will either like each other or hate each other. She's pretty proud, we'll see whether she respects you or not, that will be the cincher. Then there's Mondie, and well, you'll never meet anyone else like her. Don't ask about her nickname I think she named herself. I'm surprised to see her here, she can't stand Spot, is actually terrified of him, but would never admit it. Hence the reason she's sitting as far away as she can get from him. Not to mention in the shadows. It's silly really, everyone's afraid of Spot. Most of these girls don't like Cinnamon too much so most of Cinnamon's gang will steer clear. Besides they're probably back at the boarding house comforting her anyway. Next to Mondie, the one with the patch is Kid, short for Kid Blink. Tough kid, hanging out with Mush he'd have to be. Those two have been thick as thieves for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately for Mush though those muscles of his get him into plenty of fights whether he wants it or not, Kid usually is there to back him up. Finally, the kid next to him with the pink shirt, that's Skittery, he's our resident black cloud can't ever see the good side of things, though it can be a good thing when you need a healthy dose of common sense."  
  
My head was spinning with all the information she had thrown at me in at one time, I wasn't too sure how to take it all in. I just glanced from face to face, trying to remember their names.  
  
"Don't worry about it, you'll get it eventually." J.P assured me.  
  
" I will have to take your word for it." I sighed sitting back and watching the game, as those who were playing were not. I was beginning to see a closeness about the people in the little alcove. I had a feeling that if any one was challenged most of these people would stand up for them.  
  
"Hey Red ya play?" The Italian asked, Race J.P had said his name was. I glanced around trying to see who he was talking to. Finally meeting his eyes again he smirked at me. "Yeah you."  
  
"I've never played if that is what you mean." I replied primly offended at being called Red, but smart enough to know I was outnumbered. It was the first time I had ever been forced to hold my tongue when I felt I had been slighted.  
  
"That is what I mean." Race said mimicking the tone and inflection of my response to him. My cheeks were rapidly turning from pink to bright red, I could feel it, and it made me angry. There was nothing I hated more than to be mocked and embarrassed.  
  
"Leave her be Race." Mush sighed. " Deal me in."  
  
I wasn't sure whether to be pleased that Mush had stepped in or annoyed. With my current confused feelings regarding the later I decided I'd rather be annoyed. Pleased gave me too much hope.  
  
" Deal me in too." I said to the surprise of all as I stood as gracefully as possible and made my way to the open seat at the table. From my pocket I took the small back of coins that Molly had given me as a weekly allowance. Their eyes got large as they heard the jingling of the coins and saw the weight as hefted it in my hands. Mush shook his head at me as I sat next to him. " So how do you play?"  
  
I will be fair they did attempt to tell me the rules, but I eventually just resorted to laying my cards on the table and letting Mush tell me if I had anything or not.  
  
"I'd stop while I still had any money left." Spot told me finally. " Ya don't have any luck for poker at all."  
  
"I doubt you have much concern for how much I'm losing." I sniffed " Since you seem to be winning the majority of it."  
  
I heard chuckles around the table and his eyes narrowed at me. I turned my most condescending look on him. King of Brooklyn my foot why had no manners to speak of still I had no doubt he would be a very powerful man one of these days. Especially powerful if someone could give him a bit of polish.  
  
"He might be right Bianca." Mush said softly. "Stop, besides Medda's show's about to start. You don't want to miss that seein how it's your first time at Irving Hall."  
  
I opened my mouth to argue, but J.P. shook her head, there was a scowl on Mush's face and something dark brewing in his eyes. I didn't know what caused it, but I had a feeling it would be a good time not to push it. I wasn't going to give it up easily though, I pushed away from the table as I glared at him and resettled myself into a chair facing the stage.  
  
The poker game continued though I refused to turn back around to look at them. J.P. just sat next to me, knowing that I wasn't too interested in talking. I felt out of place, I felt the differences as keenly as they would have if they had been plunked down in the middle of one of the Rockefeller's balls.  
  
It irritated me and made me restless, but I was afraid to get up and leave, I didn't know anyone and those that I felt safe with were here happily enjoying their world. Spot left the table and wondered down to where we sat. J.P. looked distinctly worried, I wasn't sure what it was that bothered her, but she kept glancing from Mush to Spot and back again.  
  
"Hey sweet face." Spot said in a tone that I recognized, one that I had plenty use on me, for the upper class was not without it's own cads.  
  
"Hello." I responded coolly acting as unaffected by his words as I could. Still my heart picked up a few beats, he was nothing if not attractive.  
  
"So what's a first class girl like ya doin here?" he practically purred. I glanced back at Mush, there was a stiffness in his manner and a deadly calm that almost frightened me. It surprised me, Mush had never been anything, but gentle around me and here I saw something else.  
  
"I don't believe that is any of your business." I replied, my tone just as cool as before.  
  
"Oh real hoity toity ain't ya." Spot grinned. " I like it, ain't never had a girl like you before."  
  
"Is that so?" I asked warming to him, despite his rough manners he really was quite charming. I found as I looked at him that I missed the flirtation of my former life. I had spent more time trying to adjust that I had barely had a chance to catch my breath. The few males I was around were not entirely interested. It was nice to finally have someone appreciate me even if it was only for entirely shallow reasons. Though thinking back on it there never were anything other than shallow reasons. The men certainly hadn't been interested in my stunning mind or my charming wit.  
  
"So how about you and me go someweres a little more quiet and get better acquainted." Spot said smoothly though there was a gleam of humor in his eyes.  
  
" Now what do you take me for?" I chuckled patting his leg and giving him a flirtatious smile. " I don't know what you're used to, but I don't do such things."  
  
"Leave her alone Spot." Mush's voice startled nearly everyone in the room. Hotshot looked from Mush to me and back again. There was a speculative look on her face.  
  
"Stay out of it Mush." Spot snapped. "If the girl's interested it ain't none of your business."  
  
"She is my business, leave her alone." Mush responded his tone making even me shiver. The girls were giving my varying looks of irritation and amusement. Irritation I suppose for causing the interruption, and amusement from those that had decided to give me half a chance.  
  
"Ya sweet on her Mush?" Spot asked in amusement though something I didn't understand glittered in his eyes. Eventually I would understand the violence and readiness to fight they were both displaying. At the time I just watched the exchange with complete innocence and confused interest.  
  
"No." Mush's voice remained calm, but deadly. My heart fell just as it had risen at Spot's question.  
  
"Then why should it matter?" Spot queried before leaning over and plastering his lips over mine. I hadn't been expecting it; I would come to know very quickly that Spot took whatever he wanted when he wanted it. He wasn't used no, he had no patience; in his opinion if you didn't take it you weren't going to get it. His arm came around to pull me closer and I felt the panic rising in my throat, as I couldn't break free. Memories hit me like the force of a train, just as they had done when Mush had teased me. I felt my breath catch in fear and my pulse race, something that made Spot only press harder. I felt myself shrinking into myself. My hands came up attempting to push at him, but it had no effect. Suddenly he was gone and I was left shaking in my seat, the fear plain on my face.  
  
" Oh honey," J.P. whispered as she caught sight of my pale face and the tears standing in my eyes. I caught the sympathetic looks on a few of the girl's faces. I turned away feeling embarrassed at their pity.  
  
"Put me down, Mush or ya gonna regret it." I heard Spot hiss furiously. I turned quickly to find that the all-powerful Brooklyn leader was actually being held off the ground by Mush.  
  
"I told ya to leave her alone Spot." Mush growled the fury plain on his face. The boys from beyond the curtains entered each looking ready to kill. I saw the fear on J.P.'s face, if Mush attacked Spot these boys were going to finish what Spot possibly couldn't. I had faith Mush could easily take Spot, but from looking at the others it could possibly be misplaced. Still if Mush could take Spot, he couldn't take the others too, especially not with the effects of his recent fight still bothering him. I knew that I had started this I could see the accusing look on Lute and Hotshot's faces. I did the only thing I could think of to do.  
  
"Mush." I said softly. " Put him down."  
  
" I told him to leave ya alone Bianca." Mush responded between clenched teeth. I knew then that he was ready for this fight, that there was no love lost between Spot and Mush. I had a feeling that because of Spot's entourage he hadn't ever been able to fight it out. I also got the sudden feeling that Spot's flirting with me had nothing to do with me so much as a chance to dig at Mush.  
  
"Mush, please let him go." I pleaded praying he would listen to me. His eyes flicked from Spot to me and his expression softened. Slowly he lowered the Brooklyn leader and set him on his feet. "Thank you."  
  
I smiled at him giving him that same smile that was heartfelt and seemed to have a stunning effect on him.  
  
"This ain't over Mush." Spot hissed drawing his attention back sharply. "No one treats me like that and gets away with it ya hear me."  
  
"Spot, leave him be, he's had a rough couple of days." Jack spoke up, Spot glared at him, but seemed to take his advise seriously as Race, Skittery, Bumlets, and Kid all stepped up behind Mush. Brooklyn was out numbered. " Ya don't want to go startin a war now do ya, some of ya boys already roughed him up earlier in the week. I chose ta over look it."  
  
" Brooklyn don't need Manhattan." Spot spat, the fury rolling off of him like clouds across the Hudson on a foggy day.  
  
" If the rumors about Long Island are true, ya just might need us." Jack responded coolly. " Don't go burnin any bridges yet."  
  
Spot for once had nothing to say to that and all he could do was leave if he was going to save face.  
  
"I'm bein lenient tonight, but ya keep him outta my sight." Spot finally said before turning to go with a dramatic flair that any actor would have looked at with admiration.  
  
J.P. grabbed my arm as my legs gave out, she made motherly soothing noises as she helped me into a chair.  
  
"What the hell were ya thinkin eggin him on?" Mush spat at me "I'm takin ya home, ya don't got no business bein out here in the world. Ya stayin at Molly's for the rest of ya life, ya got it."  
  
He limped noticeably to the doorway, Kid and Race stepped up next to him.  
  
"Ya ain't leavin alone." Jack said as J.P. helped me stand despite my shaking knees. " I wouldn't put it past him to be waitin for ya."  
  
Mush just waved his hand before disappearing through the curtains. I glanced back at J.P. as Kid roughly grabbed my arm and pulled me along. She gave me a sympathetic smile, but sat back down. It seemed I was on my own.  
  
I tried to shrug it off, but the open anger on some of the Newsies faces made a small piece of me ache. What little progress I had made that night prior to Spot's flirtation had vanished. I was right back at square one, only now I was pretty sure I didn't even have Mush. Tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to shed them.  
  
Keza: Yes wedding plans, though by now I'm sure that you know all about that. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter and I am very glad I didn't disappoint you with my portrayal of Ruin. I really wanted to get it right for you. Thanks!  
  
Rumor: The whip, uh oh, what the heck am I going to do? I'm working as fast as I can to update really I am. Here's an extra long chappy for the wait though a whole three pages longer than I usually write. The juices got flowing and I just couldn't stop, not that I wanted to. Glad you loved it, Grams! Odd isn't it to have a Granddaughter before you've had kids. Hmmmm.  
  
J.P. Yup you're in it, Glad you liked it, I wasn't sure what I should call you and decided that J.P. would work for now. Still help me come up with two names that you actually like for this chapter!  
  
Pricilla2: Well I sure made up for it in this chapter, wow more pages than I normally write. Hope you enjoy them though. You got your wish, she met up with Brooklyn, though I'm still not too sure what Brooklyn thought of her. We'll see shall we? 


	8. Painful Conflictions

Racetrack and Kid Blink said nothing as we walked along the gas lit streets, but even the lamps did little to dispel the shadow that was creeping along the night. I could bear Blink and Racetrack's silence, but Mush's icy indifference and the white hot rage I saw lurking in his eyes both terrified and saddened me. Here was a man, I had just realized for the first time in my life, I wanted and could never have him. The polish, beauty, and well-bred manners that had drawn so many before, repelled the only man I had ever actually taken an interest in.  
  
I watched Mush's back as we walked, he walked with the stiffness of a man that is ready to kill something, but there is nothing that he can in good conscious kill. I didn't understand the rigid stillness that both made my heart flutter and sink. He threw open Molly's door with a resounding crash that brought Molly running from the sitting room, where it appeared she had been reading.  
  
"What happened?" she cried, looking at Mush and then glancing back at me. Kid Blink was still silent as pushed me forward and glared at me, not trusting himself to speak.  
  
"She happened, I curse the damned day that she walked into my life!" Mush snapped, even I was not dense enough to not realize the words he spat out were barely under his control. "Who knew something so small and helpless looking could cause so much havoc?"  
  
"What did she do?" Molly asked, her face taking on an 'I told you so' look. She crossed her arms and gave me a disapproving look. I glared at her, she didn't even know what had happened or if it had truly been me at fault. It seemed I was not to be given the justice of a fair trial. Not that I wouldn't have been justly condemned afterward.  
  
"She almost caused a war with Brooklyn." Racetrack spat, his contempt thick enough to cut with a spoon. "If Spot Conlon didn't need us to back him with Long Island, he'd have declared it right then and there."  
  
"Yes, but what did she do?" Molly persisted.  
  
"She couldn't leave well enough alone, she couldn't just sit back and enjoy the show, no, she had to go and flirt with Spot." Mush growled, pacing up and down the little hallway flexing and unflexing his fists. Molly gasped and glared at me as his words hit home.  
  
"We warned ya about him lass," she said, her voice full of disappointment and anger. It hurt to hear that tone surprisingly; I had never disappointed anyone. For that matter, I had never cared if anyone was disappointed. "What were ya thinkin?"  
  
"That a handsome young man was paying attention to me and that I should respond politely in kind." I replied stiffly and defensively. "He was charming, which is more than I can say for the brute standing in the corner. What is wrong with giving my attention to someone that obviously wants it? Which again, is more than I can say for most of the people that were there."  
  
"Because he's a cad." Molly replied softly, a ghost of a smile on her lips, a bit of understanding in her eyes. "Ya can't tell me, that with the people you mingled with in ya parent's house, that there weren't those ya couldn't be around without damaging you're reputation."  
  
"No." I responded carefully, beginning to see what she was saying.  
  
"Well, Spot's one of those people, he makes the men around him interesting, and the women floozies." Molly told me patiently, Mush was turning red in his corner, I wasn't sure if it was out of anger or out of embarrassment.  
  
"I no longer am held to the dictates of society as I knew them." I said carefully, my own temper finally having been put on the back burner for too long. It came to a full boil rather rapidly. "I can not understand your backward thinking; I have no idea of your morays, or morals. Never before have I been forced to be impolite to someone on the mere basis that they spoke to me."  
  
"Sure, sweetcheeks." Mush growled, advancing on me, for a moment I took a step back, but angrily stood my ground. I was tired of being pushed around, I had far too much of it of late. Not to mention, I was tired of being treated like a child. It had been weeks since I had gotten the courage to leave my parents household, because of a depraved man, and I would be damned if I would let another order me around and frighten me. "Like ya were so polite when ya first talked to me. Ya're a snotty, spoiled little brat and ya ain't ever gonna be anythin else. Ya'll spend the rest of ya life livin off the kindness of others and hopin someone will be there to lead you around."  
  
"I earn my keep." I cried furiously. "I clean all day and help Molly cook to earn my keep."  
  
"For three other borders?" Mush's voice was mocking in it's incredulity "Molly could manage that with her eyes closed, it's out of pity she helps you."  
  
I felt tears gather in my eyes, for I couldn't dispute it and Molly's face didn't either, she looked almost guilty.  
  
"I just never figured that with ya upbringing, ya had the makings of a slut."  
  
I couldn't speak for a moment, the harshness of his words near knocked the breath from my lungs.  
  
"I don't know what you mean." I said faintly, my hand on the banister of the stairs to steady myself. I felt like curling into myself and disappearing all together.  
  
"Don't go playin all naïve, ya kissed him didn't ya?" Mush continued, the anger nearly pouring from him in waves. "I did not." I snapped, finally regaining my breath and my temper all in one swoop, "He kissed me, I did not ask for it."  
  
"Not outright ya didn't," Mush sneered, "but ya sure acted enough like a damned floozy ta make him think that ya wanted him to. Ya tempted him; he wouldn't have done it if ya hadn't. I ain't too sure ya wouldn't have been willin to do more. Is that what happened at home Bianca, did ya tempt that man and then cry foul when he followed through with ya teasin?"  
  
My cheeks must have been bright red with my anger; I took a step toward him, and let my hand fly. It connected with a resounding slap and actually whipped his head around. Almost instantaneously, he had my wrist in a bruising grip. We glared at each other, the others in the room fading into the background.  
  
"Don't ya ever do that to me again." He warned with deadly calmness. I wriggled my wrist, but the vise of pure steel only tightened painfully. Mush knew his strength well, and stopped just short of actually causing anything more than a little discomfort.  
  
"Don't ever speak to me that way again." I responded levelly, he seemed surprised at my lack of fear, for that matter, I was a little surprised at my lack of fear.  
  
"Come now ya two." Molly's voice was soothing as she put a hand on Mush's in restraint. He looked a little sheepish as he dropped my arm. I refused to rub it, though it ached. "Don't be fightin, why don't ya both go up to ya rooms and sleep the temper off."  
  
"If ya think I'm gonna spend the night here with her. then ya mad Molly." Mush said, though his voice was calm the anger was still boiling.  
  
"Ya can't be goin now Mush, with Spots boys after ya again and ya still not entirely well, I won't have it." Molly cried, stomping her foot in agitation. "I just won't have it."  
  
"Fine I'll stay." Mush conceited, though not very gracefully, as he pointed his finger at me. "Ya keep her out of my way."  
  
"I'll be doin that, now off to bed with ya, I'm thinkin ya deserve it." Molly sighed, kissing his cheek and turning him toward the stairs. "And as for you missy, ya restricted to ya room until Mush leaves, ya got it?"  
  
"I understand perfectly." I told her, my voice restrained to civility, as I turned and walked up the stairs, thankful that Mush had disappeared into his room quickly. My tears spilled down my face as I slammed the door with enough force to rattle the walls and make the door stick. I didn't care if it stuck, I hoped it would, that I would never again have to face the people down the hall and down the stairs again.  
  
How could Molly just stand there while such foul and untrue accusations poured from Mush's mouth? The woman that had been my defender, my champion had left me standing there alone. I didn't think I could ever forgive her for it. I toyed with the idea of running again, but I knew that at least here I had a roof and food. I was safe here even if I was miserable.  
  
It was a bitter feeling, for I had such high hopes for this evening and it had ended so horribly. I moved to the window and opened it, perching on the frame my legs dangling precariously over the small patch of grass below. My room faced the back of the house; there was a small bit of grass and an alleyway between the Molly's boarding house and the house behind us. Never before had I paid attention the house behind us. There was music and laugher floating on the wind and I longed for the companionship that seemed to come from the brightly lit house. I glanced down to see a man walking across the alleyway, the torn pants that ended just below the knees, and the uneven curled hair. I heard the voices of Racetrack and Blink as they meandered behind. They elbowed each other with a bit of joviality as they followed Blink into the house. I closed my eyes as I swung my legs back into the room and flung myself on the bed.  
  
Tears stung my eyes and ran down my cheeks, my sobs muffled in the pillow. My eyes were near swollen shut by the time I drifted into unconsciousness, only to be wakened by the sun, not knowing how I had fallen asleep in the first place.  
  
For the first few hours of my captivity, I sat there until boredom forced me to seek at least a little entertainment out of something. I glanced in the corner to see the little lap harp I had gotten only the day before. My fingers still ached when I wiggled them, but it was better than the pain of sheer monotony.  
  
I warmed up my fingers with some simple little songs I had first learned, smiling as I remembered my teacher and the only thing that I had ever felt any real passion for. My fingers drifted into more complicated melodies, until at last I reached songs that I joined my voice to the harp. I was quite good, I had been told, though I hadn't been allowed to play very often, in years, for my mother had been horrified by the calluses playing caused. My fingers were already burning, but I ignored them as I continued. There was joy to be found in my music and since I was to be allowed so little in my captivity, I took what I could. It was two days I spent locked in my room, singing like a songbird in a cage. The borders enjoyed it, a few even stuck their heads in the doorway long enough to smile and give me a brief word of encouragement. Therefore, no matter how much Mush complained of the reminder I was still living there, Molly could do nothing. It was a small revenge that made me smile  
  
The first night, my fingers were so cramped from disuse that I was in tears, but I refused to ask for help, I took some of the hand cream I had bought at the market and massaged it as best I could. The next, I was unable to play more than a few minutes, my poor abused fingers were too tired to continue, but as I worked them more and more each day, I began to be able to play for longer and longer. My voice, which had been at near whisper after the first night, was growing stronger as well. The water that was left each morning, I found a wonderful ease when my throat began to dry.  
  
When I wasn't playing, I sat quietly thinking. Sitting in one's room for days does give one time for reflection. Mush's words kept echoing in my head and I had a strong feeling to find my own employment.  
  
One day, finally too tired of being cramped into my little room, I snuck down the stairs while Molly was marketing and Mush busy in the front room. It was refreshing to take a deep breath of fresh air. I loitered behind the house unsure of where to go and rather afraid to go far, as I did not know my way around. Six women sat at a small table in the sunlight behind the house that I had so longed to enter on the first night of my captivity. They wore satin covered corsets, matching pantaloons, and silk stalking, covered only with sheer robes of matching colors. I knew what they were; now I understood the laugher and the music. I felt a flash of unexplainable anger as I realized exactly where Mush, Racetrack, and Kid Blink had been going. I flushed, still at the women's state of undress. I doubted I had ever seen anyone, besides my mother, in anything less than fully dressed. It all felt very confusing.  
  
"We don't bite, it isn't as if being a whore is catching." One called out, her hair the pale golden color of corn silk, tied back with a violet colored bow that matched the rest of her ensemble. The others snickered and I felt myself flushing even more.  
  
"Leave the poor child alone, if the gossip is correct she isn't from around here." Another said good-naturedly. I noticed a difference in her "clothing", her robe was silk and belted, where the others were open and shear. Her amber hair pulled off her neck in a hair style that looked stylishly haphazard, but I knew from experience took hours. "Come over if you care to, you look hungry for a bit of companionship."  
  
"Mush says she's a spoiled rich girl." One whispered, as I drew, as starved for companionship as the woman had stated.  
  
"Mush is angry she kissed Spot Conlon, you can't trust what a man says when he's angry." The one that had invited me over said in admonishment, somehow calming me and keeping me from turning and leaving as I had planned. "If you ask me, the boy's had his britches in a twist ever since he caught Cinnamon with Spot and he doesn't take too kindly to this girl being interested. That can only mean one thing."  
  
The others all looked at each other meaningfully. I was lost on the meaning that they had all caught, and it annoyed me.  
  
"This girl is right here, you do not need to speak as though I were not." I said with a bit of a whip to my tone.  
  
"Good for you girl." The amber-haired woman said, smiling before taking a drink of what looked like wine. "My name is Lilly; I am the proprietress of the Black Swan."  
  
"Bianca Windor." I replied, nodding my head in greeting. She smiled at me, her movements delicate as she took a pastry from the plate in front of her and took a bite.  
  
"Is it you that's been playing Bianca?" She asked innocently. "The harp that is, it's very beautiful."  
  
"Thank you." I replied, knowing as well as she did that she knew it was me.  
  
"I could use someone of your talent at nights to help sooth our clientele. Obviously you are not going to know the bawdy street songs, which is what I'm looking for." Lilly told me, smiling a calculating look in her eyes. "Our clientele do not often frequent the places where such things are sung. I believe that you are of the same class therefore, would know what would interest them."  
  
I glanced about their table; surprisingly I did not feel animosity that I once might have for the women that sold themselves for men's pleasure. I was beginning to understand more that people did what they had to just to survive here. Still it made me uncomfortable; understanding was not entirely a match for years of beliefs.  
  
"Forgive me, but I am not sure I would be comfortable playing in such an establishment as yours." I told her, my prejudices aside, I had heard stories of such places, and I knew that often those that did not necessarily serve upstairs were required to downstairs as well. Surprisingly it was not the actual playing in a cathouse that stopped me more of what would be required of me.  
  
"If you are worried about your virtue, my dear, I assure you that it will not be compromised at least not in the physical manner." Lilly told me as though reading my mind. "The downstairs help do not serve upstairs and vise versa. While you are quite the pretty thing, I doubt that you any of the skills these talented ladies do."  
  
I contemplated it, had almost rejected the idea when Mush's words again haunted me. Here was a job, practically thrown at my feet, one while not in a respectable establishment, seemed to be of a respectable nature. Besides, why not? Mush had accused me the other night of being exactly what these women were. Obviously, speaking with Spot Conlon had already tarnished my reputation; why not go all the way? It surprised me at the rebellion that swept through me and made my decision for me.  
  
"What time would you need me here?" I asked, I saw the surprise on quite a few of the lady's faces, but Lilly just smiled.  
  
"Eight tonight, we'll give you a trial run and see how well you suite." Lilly told me as she held out her hand. I shook on our deal and turned back to the house, my heart lifting for the first time in days.  
  
"One question," I said, stopping and turning just as I reached the edge of their yard. Lilly did not say anything, just cocked an eyebrow and tilted her head telling me to ask. "How do Mush and his friends afford this place if your clientele are of the upper class?"  
  
"Mush's mother worked here before she died." Lilly replied seriously, there was no trace of her earlier smile. "He is welcome to use any of the ladies free of charge any time he should choose."  
  
"That must me nice." I muttered as I turned away. "Damned hypocrite."  
  
"He never does though." She called after me. "He made his choices long ago never to live that way. He's a friend to all my girls, and they all adore him, though he's never given them anything other than conversation.  
  
He comes to visit sometimes when he's particularly upset about something. Or, on occasion he brings his friends to enjoy what he chooses not to. I've never known Mush to treat any woman cheaply."  
  
"Then you must not know him well." I grumbled, still not turning though stopping and listening.  
  
"You'd be surprised after all I am his aunt." Lilly told me. "It pains him what he said to you, trust me, he longs to protect you. For that matter knowing him as I do I think he likes you far more than he lets on and it troubles him. I would strangle Cinnamon St. James, if she came near me for the pain she caused him. You only brought back memories for him darling, memories he'd rather have forgotten. Give him time."  
  
"I'll not give him the time of day." I snapped, still to hurt by his words and Molly's defection. I after all am only human and most do not entirely forgive easily.  
  
"Then it's a sorry mistake you will be making." Lilly sighed, "There is no greater man than my nephew, even if I am biased, you will find few of good character that would disagree. You'd better be heading back now though; the rest is for him to tell you if he should choose to do so."  
  
I continued walking, my mind full of what Lilly had told me, and I closed my eyes as I reached for the door latch, praying I would not run into him. With this new information I was liable to be vulnerable.  
  
Unfortunately, luck was not with me, as he stood at the cutting table, an apple in his hand waiting it seemed, for me.  
  
"So, the captive princess finally frees herself." He said with a sneeringly ironic tone. "I bet ya just love sittin up there singin and waitin for some man to come rescue ya. Too bad real life ain't like fairy tales."  
  
"What did I ever do to make you hate me?" I responded wilting, the fire that had burned so hot flickered with him standing so close. He was so big and strong I wondered what I had been thinking when I had hit him before. "I may not have grown up here, but I am still human. Just because my parents were rich does not make me evil."  
  
"Ya ain't never gonna be like me." Mush growled. "That would require a heart, something you rich folk are blessedly born without."  
  
I fought the tear that slid down my cheek; I fought it with uneven breaths. My heart was still aching from the previous onslaught; I was not ready for another. It seemed those witty retorts, I had managed with others, were lost when I got into the same room as him. For some reason though, he could hurt me and I could not hurt him.  
  
"I am truly sorry you feel that way." I said unevenly, but with as much dignity as I could muster. "Forgive me."  
  
My voice broke and I turned away rushing to leave. He caught my arm at the staircase and whirled me to face him.  
  
"Why can't ya fight me?" there was a pained expression on my face. "Why do ya take it? Why don't ya fight back? Instead ya wilt like some damned delicate little flower."  
  
"Because I do not enjoy hurting others." I growled, struggling to get my arm free. It only made him grab my other and force me to continue facing him. I resented being called a coward. "Now if you will excuse me I have to get ready for a real job."  
  
"Oh really?" he asked sardonically, disbelief written all over his face. "Where in the hell did you manage to get a job while sitting in your room all day?"  
  
"I start as the new musician of the Black Swan tonight." I replied stiffly. "I believe you know the place."  
  
"There ain't no way I'm gonna let you play there." Mush said, trying to grasp the arms that I had slipped free as he had gapped at me for a moment in shock.  
  
"I don't believe you have much choice Mush." I told him calmly, knowing now just how to get my revenge. "I guess I'll just fit in perfectly there, won't I. May as well live up to my reputation, for that matter perhaps I'll ask Lilly to take me on as apprentice. According to you I'm a natural."  
  
Mush just watched me dumbstruck as I made my way up the stairs, for once in the entire time I had met him he couldn't even speak. I just smiled to myself triumphantly.  
  
Rumor: Wow I made it to someone's update notice list. I'm movin up in the world. Yup I added in everyone from the NJL that gave me info. I was hoping they'd read it, but no such luck, oh well. I try not to be predictable, but I like the fact that though Bianca affects Mush he doesn't give any indication that she can discern. She's still to naïve to notice it. I think there was more powerful and dangerous Mush here. He sure was surely and irritable. Of course there's much more to his anger than I think even he realizes. As always hope you enjoyed!  
  
Ershey: Yup I updated and here is another one. Glad you liked Mush in the last chapter I'm not too sure how much people will like him in this, but you can't like everyone all the time. Hope you liked it!  
  
MiseryLovesCompany: Wow thanks for the compliment. I hope I don't disappoint later on down the road. Let me know where I mess up I love to hear what I can do better. (Does now infamous new reviewer dance)  
  
Hotshot: I'm glad you liked that I made Spot the bad guy, especially since he's usually the hero in my stories. It will be a new and interesting challenge, I love challenges! It's okay that you haven't reviewed in a while I understand. Hey did I do okay with your character? I did write why she left before, but I revisited it in this chapter just a little, can't let the original story get too lost in the subplots. I'm happy that I haven't disappointed you thus far!  
  
Frenchy-Goil- I got lazy in this story and asked for characters rather than make up my own. If you would like to be in this feel free to e-mail me the info, my address is listed in my bio. (Does new reviewer dance, I always love when I get new people who like my work. Who am I kidding? Who doesn't?) I really tried for a different Mush everyone always writes him as sweet and a bit naïve, but really living on the streets I don't believe he'd last long that way. Still there is a bit of the sweetness lurking beneath the roughness. So far everyone has loved him this way. If you think about it, Mush with all his muscles would be forced to used them because every half wit who wants to be big, tough and manly would try to go after the strongest. Mush is practically built like a black smith so he'd be the most likely candidate. Ruin and Spot would have to respect the fact that he's that strong and tough. I'm glad you are enjoying this, but don't be afraid to let me know what I'm doing wrong!  
  
J.P. :Love you doll! You know that though. Thanks for editing yet another of my crazy chapters! I am so glad to hear you are writing again, I can't wait to read your work! I miss it! Thank you!  
  
Keza: Yay for actual criticism, I've been all about telling people to let me know what I'm doing wrong. Compliments are wonderful, though they cause swelled head syndrome. Which is something I try not to allow myself to suffer from, but they help only so much. They help bolster my ego and keep me writing, because lets face it if no one liked it I wouldn't have any reason to continue posting this story, I'd have to keep looking for something to catch someone's eye or realize I had no talent. Still they don't help me to improve, so thank you so much for letting me know that. I hope that I have made corrections in this chapter! I did keep an eye on that. Thank you for the compliments too! I am so happy to hear that you still like this. I do admire your work so to hear such things from someone I admire means a lot!  
  
Pricilla2: It's good to hear you enjoyed last chapter, I hope you liked this one. I'm glad I didn't disappoint, it is after all my main goal. We'll see more of Spot, he's too upset to let such a slight go! 


	9. Beauty and Ornaments

My triumph did not last long however, I heard Molly come home and Mush's raised voice the moment the door shut.  
  
"Tattletale!" I growled as I brushed my hair with a frustration that pulled out hair and made my scalp tingle. I figured there was no use changing; my simple shirt and gray skirt would have to do. I certainly didn't want to impress anyone where I was going. Taking as good a look as I could in the mirror hung above my chest of drawers, I sighed figuring it was as good as it was going to get. As the raised voice ended, I sat down to wait for Molly and wrap my harp for the trip across the alley.  
  
I heard her steps, usually they were light, but tonight they were heavy with anger, another set followed and I knew it was Mush wanting to watch his will be done. That only stiffened my resolve. I would work at the Black Swan, I would pay my own way, and I was not about to let them try to bully me out of it.  
  
"You're not leavin tonight." Molly said without preamble, once my door had been opened.  
  
"You are not my keeper Molly, just my landlord." I told her, my voice stingingly cold. I was still angry and hurt over her previous defection.  
  
"I would like ta think I'm more than just ya landlord, missy." Molly snapped. "After all, I took ya in when no one else would."  
  
"It still is my life Molly, I know you want to protect me, but it's time I made my own way now. Mush is right, I've been living off your charity and while my parents may not have instilled the greatest characteristics in me, I do not accept charity. I'll continue to help you during the day, after I have gotten up. Getting up, will of course, be at my own choosing since my new job will require me to work late. It will help supplement what I do not make to cover my own living here." I said calmly and coolly as I finished wrapping my harp and stood. "Thank you Mush, you've opened up my eyes to many things about myself."  
  
I pushed past Molly and edged around Mush, who again looked angry enough to kill.  
  
"How will ya go to church and be able to hold ya head up?" Molly asked, trying for a last ditch effort to appeal to my morality. I shrugged off my misgivings as I started down the stairs.  
  
"I believe I will manage." I said dryly. "After all, I did not hear you rejecting Mush's opinions of me, so I suppose I'll fit right in."  
  
There was nothing, but silence as I descended the stairs and made my way through the kitchen with a resolve that had surprised Molly and Mush. Never before had I made my will known, I had meekly done what they wanted. Even going to Medda's had not entirely been of my will. Now, for the first time in my life, I was doing something I wanted to do for a good reason, or at least not entirely for selfish, spoiled reasons. I smiled, feeling as though I finally was gaining some control over my tumult life, as I hugged my harp to me and thanked God I had bought it. I walked to the door that had been situated just to the ladies backs this morning and knocked, my heart pounding a frantic tattoo as I waited for it to open. It was as if I were on a precipice, once I entered into the Black Swan, there was no going back, there was no saving grace, and I had a feeling I would never willingly enter back into "society". My mind raced through what I had learned so far and decided perhaps that wasn't such a bad thing after all.  
  
The door opened and a strawberry blonde girl stood there, I smiled for once I was taller that someone. She was on the thin side, she looked fragile, but something in the set of her jaw and her stance told me it would be a bad idea to underestimate her. She looked me up and down nodded to herself and gestured me inside.  
  
"You must be Bianca." She said, it was a statement not a question, and all I could do was nod in response. I glanced around and found myself in a kitchen that was hot, sticky, and full of bustle. The cook ordered her helpers about with the experience and demeanor of a general. One of the girls smiled softly at me as she went back to cutting up vegetables, the other ignored me as she scrubbed a pan as quickly as possible as a boy dried, his attention so focused on the plate he dried I was sure he was a little touched.  
  
"Oh, there you are?" A familiar voice cried. I glanced up to see Lilly weaving about the kitchen to me with an ease I was surprised me. She managed to miss some disastrous collisions with the help without ever taking her eyes from me. I had never before been into the kitchens of my own home and I wondered if this is what it was like. It certainly smelled of home. "Rush, take Bianca upstairs and find her something a little more suitable to wear. While your blouse is lovely dear, the customers do expect a little more in grace."  
  
I blushed, for the first time embarrassed by my clothing. Lilly was already on her way out the door, calling orders to the cook as she did. I glanced at Rush and she smiled at me turning to rush up the back stairs. We stopped on a landing and Rush turned into a blue satin draped hallway. The hall was opulent in its rich pale blue walls; it's cream painted doors with carvings and the carvings painted with gold gilt. It screamed with an aristocratic femininity. As a matter of fact, my mother's room had been decorated in the very same colors. She said it had reminded her of Versailles; I had to admit it did have an air of French aristocracy. So, I suppose it was not that odd I felt at home here. Though I could have done without the noises from beyond some of the doors. I felt myself blushing much more furiously than I had yet today.  
  
Rush did not seem fazed by it at all, motioned me past a grand staircase as she took a key from her belt. We stopped at the end of the hall in front of a door that looked like all the others, though I had begun to notice a pattern of different flowers on each of the doors. This one had none, Rush put the key in the lock and swung the door open beckoning to me yet again. Next to the door was another staircase, I wondered where it went as I followed her in and gasped as I saw an array of dresses in various stages of completion. A cream and gold colored satin covered couch sat in middle of the room, bay windows that were covered in matching shear curtains just behind it. Two Queen Anne chairs sat where it seemed they had been haphazardly placed. A couple of wooden racks held the mostly completed dresses, a foot pedaled sewing machine sat against the wall, and dressing dummies held the least completed. Obviously, Madame Lilly had an in-house seamstress. Though looking at the girl before me, I wasn't sure she would be able to hold still long enough to create any of the dresses about. I glanced around looking longingly at an evening gown of midnight blue trimmed with jet beads that had been painstakingly sewn on. Another, a soft green wrapper, was trimmed with seed pearls, a matching nightgown that was as shear as the wrapper was beneath it. I blushed at its sheerness and obvious job to leave nothing to the imagination. I would have to conquer my blushes, if I continued to work here. Though I had a feeling, they would fade with the newness of all of this.  
  
"You look about the same size as Rose, same coloring too, hmmmmm." She glanced about her looking for something. I just prayed it was quite a bit less revealing than most of what I saw in here. "Here we go."  
  
My eyes turned to her grudgingly; I couldn't help worrying about what my "uniform" for this place would be. To my delight, she held a gold colored satin dress that was possibly a little more revealing than the evening gowns I had once wore. It was simpler, with no embellishments, certainly no Venetian lace, but of good quality nonetheless. It would not do for the functions I had attended, but it was steps above what I had been wearing and the vanity in me was aching for something like this.  
  
"It's beautiful." I said, I would have clapped my hands in glee had I not still been clutching my harp. I set my harp on the couch in a position I was sure it could not be harmed and touched the dress almost reverently for a moment.  
  
"Well, let's get you going then, you're going to be almost as late as I usually am." She told me with a friendly grin. I began to strip down shyly, but Rush was in too much of a hurry to let me finish and she began tugging at buttons and laces forcing me to move faster lest she undress me herself. I was beginning to see where her name came from. As I stepped into the dress savoring the now unfamiliar feel of satin against my skin, she was already pulling the straps up to my shoulders and pulling it into place.  
  
A full-length mirror stood on a stand only feet away and I sighed in approval at her choice of cut and color. While it was much lower cut than I had thought, I found it looked nice. Well, nice wasn't exactly the word for it, but I couldn't help wishing Mush could see me now. It was simpler than anything I had worn before, but of good quality. I was somewhere between what I had worn previously and what I wore now at Molly's. She buttoned the tiny buttons across the back of the dress before pushing me to sit in a chair and burying her hands in my hair. She cursed as she pushed, pulled, prodded, and pinned my hair into place. I smiled in agreement.  
  
When she was finally finished, I was not given a moment to glance at the final result, instead I was handed my harp and hustled down the hall to the stairs. I lifted the skirt to keep from tripping on the hem without thinking; it had been so ingrained, the proper walk and carriage seemed to come to me stronger with the new dress. I dipped my head down as Rush led me to a padded chair before the fire that was more for decoration this time of year than actual warmth. I unwrapped my harp and gently tuned it's strings not looking at any of the clientele.  
  
There had been one worry with my taking this job that until that moment I had never thought of, that someone would recognize me. I glanced up as I began playing to find that no one had done more than glance appreciatively at me. They did not look close at me, after all I was not someone to take notice of, rather I was the hired help, not even worthy of the notice of the women upstairs. It chaffed a little, but it made me feel more comfortable. It also helped that with the way I was turned in the chair my face was kept in profile and with the romantically dim room my face in shadow, the fire behind it casting a darkened outline of my features. Unless someone got very close, I doubted any of them would ever realize who I was, though I did recognize a few very prominent men of New York Society. I kept my playing soft; I was not there to be the entertainment, rather to play as a side. To be something to soothe the impatient, calm the nervous, and keep the room from becoming entirely silent.  
  
I glanced about the room, this one in tones of burgundy and gold, the woods dark and heavy, the carvings simple and masculine. It was most assuredly a masculine room, much like the smoking rooms in the homes of the very men that were there. A few played chess, a couple cards, some merely enjoyed the food, while others waited looking hopefully at the staircase. I watched with them wondering what kind of a sign would come that it was their turn. Looking up, I saw a man that near took my breath away, his dark hair contrasted with his golden skin and vivid green eyes. He glided down the staircase with the ease of a cat and stopped in front of a table near me. His voice was melodic as he spoke softly to the man there. I could tell by the apparition of beauty's muscle he was a little more than ornamental, as the other man stood and followed him back to the staircase his muscles rippled under his jacket.  
  
Obviously, glancing at the waitresses, all of those that worked in the front room and the upstairs rooms of Lilly's were ornamental. Glancing about again I realized with an experienced eye that no expense had been spared, there was nothing ungraceful or distasteful about the room.  
  
I thought about what Rush had told me between curses, about The Black Swan, as she had dressed my hair. I watched as a gentleman smiled charmingly at a pretty waitress, but did nothing more than that. Any customer caught doing more than looking at any of the downstairs help was immediately shown the door and invited to not return. It was exclusive and only so many had memberships, most were not inclined to loose their privileges there. The reason I was to be dressed as I had been was for the simple reason I was just another ornament in Lilly's vast collection. I was worth a little more to her than the waitresses, for a musician could cost dear, but just another acquisition at best. She had chosen me because of my beauty as well as my talent. For I would complement the house as well as all the others, and for once I felt almost pale in comparison to some. I remembered the extraordinary beauties that sat around the table with Lilly just that morning and realized why beauty did not faze Mush. For there were certainly some that were far more beautiful here tonight. With that bitter thought, I immersed myself into the music not wanting to think of him.  
  
I glanced up somewhere close to an hour later when Rush brought me a glace of cider, whispering that Lilly would have given me something a little stronger if she thought I could handle it. I nodded and murmured my thanks as I drank, sinking farther into the shadows, thankful for the padded back on the chair in which I sat. I watched the men I had known, wondering what their lives must really be like if the had to come to a bordello. I wondered for the first time if they were happy. Glancing to my right, I met familiar pair of chocolate colored eyes and blanched, almost spilling my drink down the front of my dress. Deliberately, I set my drink on the small table next to me before turning again to my harp. This time I sang softly with the music, harmonizing with it as I had been taught by only the best of tutors. That is, before it had been taken away, then I had been only allowed to sing.  
  
Though I tried, I could not keep my eyes from glancing from time to time to see if he was still there and if he still watched. His gaze never left me and I was not sure entirely what to think of that. I could still see the anger that burnt there, but there was something else as well, almost a hint of respect. Perhaps a bit of hunger that for the first time thrilled rather than frightened me  
  
Half way through the night Rush appeared and whispered to me that a meal was waiting for me in Lilly's office; my harp she told me would be safe next to my chair. The waitresses would make sure no one touched it. Reluctantly, I left it and followed her along the shadows and across the room to a door that had been cleverly worked into the wall so that only someone who had been looking for it would find it. Inside a delicate desk sat on the far wall, something that would be suited to a lady who wasted her day writing letters of no importance than the owner of a business. Another delicate table sat in the opposite corner of the office, small sitting area to its left.  
  
The table had been set for two and the subtle smell of wine sauce reached my nose as I sat. I waited patiently for the second person, knowing it would be rude to start without them, though my stomach rumbled horribly. Moments later the door flew open and Lilly entered her face bright with a smile as she sat.  
  
"Well Bianca," she told me as she sat deftly and gracefully, placing her napkin in her lap. "It seems we have found a new musician, though tomorrow I expect you here much earlier to be fitted for a couple of new dresses."  
  
"Excuse me." I said, as I watched her cut her chicken for a delicate bite. Her manners were not that of those I had so far met, but of one of my own class. Each movement was choreographed and I remembered my governesses pounding such things into my head starting at the tender age of four. "I could not afford a dress such as this in a week."  
  
"Ah," Lilly smiled at me, real warmth coming from her eyes. "Your fortunes are much improved young Bianca. First, there will be no repayment for any dress you wear here at the Black Swan, for as you can see we make them all in house. If you should choose to leave here, which will happen, for no one stays in this business forever, the dresses will only be remade for someone who can wear it as well. There is no loss to the house for we already owned it, and you will return all articles of clothing when you leave. Though, for now I do not see why you cannot take them back to Molly's. Provided the sanctimonious dear will allow anything from here to venture into her home. She does not approve of us I am afraid, but she understands I believe. Some must do what they can to survive in this world. Unfortunately, not all can remain lily white."  
  
I tried not to smile at irony in that statement and she smiled letting me know it had not been lost on her. I found myself liking her, once you got beyond the moralistic view of her she was really just a woman trying to survive and surprisingly much nicer than I would have ever thought.  
  
It seemed that the rich and sanctimonious were not as often the good people deep down inside, that I found the poor, those that were doing everything they could to survive. It was an interesting revelation, one I would have never believed only a few weeks before. Though I doubted Lilly was entirely poor, I had a feeling that she did good with the money she had, not reveling in it as we had. We had decked ourselves in jewels while others starved in the streets, worn fancy silks and expensive lace while others had nothing to eat, quibbled about the fashion of our furniture and wall coverings while others had no place warm to sleep. We had been raised with no understanding of the sufferings of others, and for the first time in my life, I was beginning to realize that my privileged life had been built around gilt walls and false mirrors. That there were others who were not to be pitied for what they didn't have, but envied for what they did. My world had been almost emotionless except for greed, lust, and selfishness. As I glanced back only weeks before, I was appalled at who I had been.  
  
Had it really been only a month? It felt like years, or at the very least months, I felt so different and distanced from the spoiled girl who knew absolutely nothing of the world. I knew I was not as jaded as some, nor would I ever fully fit into this place, but I was learning quickly how to survive, it was something that surprised and pleased me. At the same time, I knew it would be a struggle, for nothing so far had come as easily as everything else in my charmed life had come. Though I had not appreciated things anywhere near as much as I did now.  
  
"A penny for your thoughts?" Lilly asked, her head tilted like a birds in inquiry, the curls that fell from her coif rivered elegantly over her shoulder.  
  
"Nothing incredibly pressing, just reassessing." I replied, a little hesitant to share my discovery.  
  
"And how is that going for you?" Lilly queried, one perfectly plucked eyebrow raising just enough to let me know she was still curious.  
  
"Excuse me?" I asked for that had not been the reaction I had been expecting.  
  
"Reassessing." She said calmly, "How is that going?"  
  
"With difficulty." I replied honestly, for it hurt to look at myself and realize I had not been in the least the good person I had thought myself to be. I was not above it all, I was not better than anyone, I had just been born with more things. To understand yourself and accept it is one of the hardest things anyone can ever do. Accepting the truth can shatter dreams, break hearts, and fracture self-esteem. Still anything shattered can be mended, broken hearts can be pieced back together, and fractured self- esteem, though the hardest to fix, can still be restored.  
  
"Pride goeth before the fall." Lilly said into the silence, her eyes far away, as though she were remembering something herself. "If we are lucky we all wake up to find that we are human, with all its capabilities and faults. If we are exceptionally blessed, we may fix what is inherently wrong and learn to live life beyond ourselves."  
  
I nodded in understanding, the oddest friendship formed that night over a dinner that was exceptional and realizations that were difficult. I found myself grateful that I had been given the chance to become something more than I had been. I had been given the chance to be something infinitely more wonderful than the spoiled selfish girl that had wondered onto the streets without a clue, only to be taken in by some of the most beautiful of souls. Even if I was angry with them both, they had done a wonderful and selfless thing. Perhaps I could find it in my heart to forgive them. Molly at least, Mush however was going to take some work. For one cannot take back words, and some can never be forgotten. Who ever said words 'can never hurt me' was a fool, for words can cause more damage than sticks or stones. They can damage that which is invisible and difficult to fix. Mush had thrown a handful that had been more painful than anything I had ever experienced. I could only hope he didn't really mean them.  
  
Emotions: Honey I have lost and relost everyone's cc's at least three times. If you send it to me again I will be sure to add you, I still haven't added everyone, it would have been too much for poor Bianca. Glad you liked this latest installment  
  
Lucky: Wow it's been a long time since I've heard from you! At least I think it has. Oh well my mind is shot here with Christmas so soon! I'm happy you loved it!  
  
Pricilla2: Poor Mush is confused. We woman confuse the hell out of him!!!! The last thing he wants to do is to want to protect her or even really like her, but she's growing on him. I wrote more, do I get candy?  
  
FrenchyGoyl: Okay here you are girly, I put your character in. Yes he's jealous and not liking it so much. Life sucks when women confuse you I guess. I updated as soon as I got it back from the lady that edits my stuff. A.K.A J.P  
  
WE LOVE YOU J.P.  
  
Keza: Don't have a heart attack doll, it's okay! I was missing your reviews though, I was hoping you'd see that! I used to update daily on at least one of my stories, so for me this is slacking. I'm trying to get into it again, but life is so crazy, and my computer at home is making a very funny noise when I turn it on. I think Dan wasn't so careful when we moved it and did something to the fan. Yeah, my six month hiatus as I have explained before was due to faire season. We had a festival every weekend and I had work on the weekdays so there really wasn't the time, fall winter and spring I do much better in! It took a little while to get back into the groove of things. It's quite the compliment there, I really try to make my characters believable. Dan sometimes pokes his head in my room to make sure I'm okay, I have these conversations with myself that just make him shake his head. I try to put myself in both peoples shoes and feel what they would feel. He likes it better when the moment comes and I just write. My best work, I like zone and it takes lots to drag my brain out of writing mode. I hope you get caught up with Battle with Fate soon, I'd like to know your opinion of where it's going! 


	10. Moonlight confessions

The dinner with Lilly had filled me with warm feeling that I was only just beginning to recognize, it was the same feeling I felt when I was with Molly. The feeling of friendship, true friendship, not the shallow companionship I had entertained before.  
  
The night was over and I had passed according to Lilly with flying colors, she wanted me back. The feeling of accomplishment far eclipsed the feelings I had had the first time I had cleaned the floors at Molly's. A small smile was on my face as I shut the door to her office quietly and found a familiar hulking figure in the dimly lit room. I glanced about nervously and found no one except the two of us.  
  
"Can I help you Mush?" I asked calmly as I edged around him and started across the room. He grabbed my elbow and turned me around his eyes wondering over me before returning to my face. For the first time I did not take offence to his perusal, instead I smiled at him an eyebrow raised. I knew by the look in his eyes he liked what he saw, liked it far better than he wanted to admit.  
  
" Sure ya can, stop workin' here Bianca." Mush replied his voice as steady as mine, though I could feel the heat in it.  
  
"I'm not going to do that Mush." I told him firmly, with a look that my father would have recognized. One that said I wasn't going to budge and the more he tried to make me stop, the harder I would try to do it. It seems rather childish and previously that look had been in a childish nature, but this time it had been for a good reason. I needed this job, for more reasons than the income. I had made a friend, one who would not judge me because others had judged her far too harshly. I knew my way around here I felt more comfortable in the dress I wore than the one I had come in wearing. I felt more in my element than in any other place I had thus far been.  
  
"You're just doin it to prove a point, ya proved it now come home with me." Mush said in a soothing tone. " We'll tuck you in proper and let you sleep late tomorrow. Molly said she'd make ya cinnamon scones in the morning."  
  
I stopped trying to free my arm and stared at him, my jaw somewhere in the vicinity of my knees. The tone he used was that of a parent trying to wheedle their children into doing what they wanted by promising sweets. I felt the heat of anger rise from my chest to settle in my cheeks. Despite all I had done before I was not a child, I was an adult. I was old enough to marry after all therefore I was old enough to make my own decisions. If I had gotten nothing out of my dinner with Lilly, I had come to realize that the only way I would survive in this world would be to become strong. To make my own way, in my own time, with my own will power. I admired the woman who had nothing and had created her own very comfortable living. While the morals of the establishment were in question, it did not detract from her accomplishment, at least not in my eyes.  
  
"Just who do you think you are Mush?" I asked my voice shaking with the effort to keep myself from shouting at him. He looked taken aback at my tone and I pressed the advantage. " I am not a child to be cajoled into doing what you want with sweets and favors. I gave you my reasons for finding employment and I mean to continue my employment. If you wanted me to stay under Molly's thumb and your rule, then you should have never pointed out that I was not pulling my weight at Molly's."  
  
"So this is my fault is it?" Mush snapped pulling me into an alcove I hadn't realized was there before. His fingers dug into my arm in his effort to control his temper. A temper I was just now realizing was quite formidable. I struggled not to cower, not to give into what he wanted just to make him leave. The hallway was paneled with dark wood, the lamps that dotted the paneled walls gave a golden glow, but as there were no windows or natural light they seemed like little beacons of hope in darkness. They cast a dim glow over the room and I could hardly make out Mush's face just above mine.  
  
"It is no one's fault Mush." I said my voice much calmer now than I felt. " I needed work and when it was placed in front of me I grabbed at it just as anyone you know might have. I can do a good job here Mush."  
  
" If it's a job you want, we can find you another." Mush told me his voice much calmer than it had been only minutes before, his fingers relaxed on my arms. While he still held me with a grip of steel it was no longer painful. " There's a seamstress that's lookin' for help only a few blocks from here, she's got a real high class establishment and they're lookin' for a waitress over at the Plaza Hotel."  
  
"Good idea Mush." I responded unable to keep the sarcasm from my voice. " The Plaza, where Adian has his business luncheons, or a seamstress that works for the people I once called friends. There wouldn't be faster way to find me. Adian is probably looking high and low for me and one whisper from someone that might recognize me and he'd find me."  
  
"Who is Adian?" Mush's voice was quiet, but I could hear the command in it. I shook my head not wanting to tell him the truth. A truth he had already thrown in my face in the most painful way. "Tell me Bianca, tell me the truth."  
  
"My cousin, from England, the man who is looking for me." I managed to choke out as visions swirled in my head I looked anywhere, but at him. " The man you believe I led to make improper advances. The man you said I gave liberties to and then cried foul."  
  
When only silence followed I gathered the courage to look up. The look on his face was stunned and I felt his hands loosen entirely, but I was pinned there by his gaze as much as I had been physically held. There were tears in my eyes now and I fought them. I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me.  
  
"I will work here Mush." I said in a wavering voice. " And there is nothing you can do to stop me."  
  
He still said nothing and I pushed past him into the darkened room the tears starting to come despite my attempts to stop them. I could only hope I would manage to get to Molly's and up the stairs before I started to sob. Forgetting my harp, my clothes and everything except the need to get away from Mush and other prying eyes I ran through the kitchen and out the door not even bothering to shut it behind me. Why did I give him the power to hurt me? Why did I have to care? Of all the men in my life I had to choose the one who hated me. I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder and stop me before I could do anything. The skirts and petticoats I had been so enthralled with previously infuriated me as they wound around my ankles making it impossible to run. The moonlight spilled into the yard make everything a black and white snapshot. Looking up I saw his face above me, his almond shaped eyes held a sadness as he looked down at me.  
  
"I'm sorry." He whispered, looking into my face as the tears continued to fall, though I wiped at them in vain, furiously trying to hide them. " I was angry that night and I had no right to say to ya what I did."  
  
"Why did you say them then?" I asked finding it was easier to react in anger than it was to react with pain. " What right did you have to say what you did? And in front of your friends, people that already think I'm next to scum? I've done nothing to you, nothing except perhaps bruise your pride a little."  
  
I tried to back away from him and stepped into a hole twisting my ankle as the delicate slipper I wore was more suited to the inside than the out. I would have fallen in a heap of gold satin and petticoats had a strong arm not wrapped around my waist and kept me upright. My ankle throbbed, but I refused to remain in Mush's grasp.  
  
"Thank you, now if you will please let me go." I growled and attempted to right myself only to feel a shooting pain in my ankle that nearly sent me to the ground again. This time Mush's arm pressed me to him as he reacted to my whimper of pain. I froze in his arms as I looked up at him, his golden skin silvered in the moonlight making him seem like a marble statue. The strong planes of his face softened by the shadows the moonlight cast upon him. My hands had his arms in a death grip as I had tried to keep from falling.  
  
I could not see his eyes though I knew they looked at me, searching my face as he moistened his lips. The bare skin of his arm, where he had rolled up his sleeves touched my bare arm, making me shiver at its warmth. I hadn't realized the coolness of the nights that had come until now. For the first time in my life I blushed under a man's gaze. I could not read his face, but his arm did not loose as I tried to take a step back.  
  
"Mush." I whispered. "I'm alright now.................."  
  
My words trailed off as he placed a finger against my lips to silence me. Gently he traced me cheek his gaze intense as his head drifted down. I braced myself knowing this would not be a chaste kiss. Since all but one of the kisses I had received had frightened me I could not help the way I stiffened as though bracing myself for the onslaught. I was beginning to see a similarity between Spot and Mush. Both were strong, both took what they wanted, and both had horrible tempers. The difference I would learn is that Mush had a tenderness that had been bled out of Spot and he knew when to use it. The first kiss was soft, sweet, and gentle, it was a question asking me permission for more. I didn't tell him no, but I didn't say yes and he repeated the motion until I relaxed against him and I returned his kiss hesitantly if not with considerable inexperience. My hands slid up the arms I gripped to gain balance to clasp behind his neck as he kissed me. His arms slid around me holding me in an embrace that made me feel safer than I had ever felt in my life.  
  
When the kiss ended leaving me breathless, my head dropped to his shoulder where it fit perfectly into its curve. He did not let me go, instead his arms tightened as though he were afraid I was going to push away. His head rested on the top of mine and we stood quietly in the yard, silence reigning as if everything was holding it's breath waiting to see what our reactions were. Slowly the world came to life, I could hear the sound of dishes clinking as they were being washed, the low mummer of voices. Laughter and shouting came from down the street, but I was content to stay in Mush's embrace. Eventually I felt his arms loosen and fall away and I mourned the loss of the intimate moment, this is what I had wanted, but I knew when I looked up there would be regret in Mush's eyes. He did not want me, no matter how much I wanted him. My hands unclasped from behind his neck and I took a step back, wrapping my arms around me as though to grasp the warmth that had disappeared when he had moved back.  
  
" Will you stop working at Lilly's now?" Mush asked breaking the silence and for a moment I didn't register his words. When they finally sunk in I felt anger replace the peace that had filled me only moments before. For the second time in the entire time I had known Mush I took a step forward and let my hand fly, making a sharp cracking noise as it connected with his cheek.  
  
"What do you think I am Mush?" I hissed too angry to even cry, I shook with it. How dare he cheapen such a wonderful moment? There was a core of pain behind my anger, a pain that was sharper than the night of our last fight. " Do you think that all it takes is a kiss and my brain is so addled by it I will agree to anything? Is that what you thought when you kissed me?"  
  
"No." Mush snapped I could see his eyes now and they flashed in the moonlight. " That isn't what I thought at all. I thought that you might care, that you might care enough to grant me a favor."  
  
"A favor?" I repeated working myself up into a full-scale rage, never before had I had the courage to loose my temper fully around Mush, but he had pushed me too far. " I am supposed to give up everything I am doing because I care? I found something I enjoy, and for once in my life I will not have that taken away because it offends someone's sensibilities. Everything I ever enjoyed I have had to give up. I gave up horse back riding because Mother said it would ruin my complexion. I gave up the harp because it gave me calluses, I gave up swimming because it wasn't proper, and again the havoc it would wreck on my complexion. I gave up gardening when Mother complained about the cuts from the roses, I gave up writing for the ink stains on my hands, and I gave up singing for the strain it put on my throat. I'm not going to give this up; I'm sorry Mush no matter how much I care. "  
  
"You do?" He sounded so confounded and confused for a moment I forgot all about my anger and frustration. I could feel myself soften as I looked upon the hope that had sprung into his face, hope that he seemed as confused by as my confession.  
  
"I do." I replied raising my chin in a defensive gesture. There was no use denying it now, I would never be able to come up with a reasonable lie. I did care about him and for the first time I realized that I was more than merely interested, that the first time he had kissed me I had begun falling for him. The sweetness as he had brushed my hair for me and then kissed me had touched me in a way I had never felt before.  
  
"Why?" It came out a whisper as though he hadn't meant to say it allowed and for a moment I glimpsed the boy that had been hurt so badly, in the fearful hope on his face.  
  
"I don't know." I replied quietly. " Why does the tide come in? I can't answer that Mush all I know is when you said those awful things it hurt and when you look at me when you think I don't know it makes my heart skip."  
  
"This isn't a good idea Bianca." He said turning his back to me. " You're too good for the likes of me. Ya belong in one of those big houses with the pretty roses in the front and the fountains in the back. Ya don't come from my people, one day ya'll go back to where ya came from."  
  
"I can't go back Mush." I told him. "Not ever this is now my lot and I will do with it as I will."  
  
"But ya can't don' t ya get it?" He cried his hands balling at his sides. "Ya don't belong here, ya never will, and I'll never be good enough for the likes of ya. Ya deserve better."  
  
My hand shook as I reached out and placed it on his shoulder, my heart thudded with the fear that he meant the words to say he didn't want me. I wanted to reach out, to touch him as if in some way that would reestablish the connection that had been there before. I wanted desperately to believe he wanted me, but was afraid I deserved better. I couldn't be sure though and I couldn't find the courage to ask.  
  
"Bianca." I heard Rush's voice and looked to the steps leading up to the still open door of the Black Swan. " You forgot your harp."  
  
Turning to where she stood the light shining around her from the kitchen beyond, I closed my eyes for a minute to control myself, as I picked up my skirts and made my way toward the doorway. Rush met me half way, my carefully wrapped harp in one arm and my clothes tied into a bundle with the other.  
  
"Don't forget to come early tomorrow, I have another dress that would look beautiful on you." Rush said as she handed them over.  
  
"I won't, I'll be here as soon as I'm done with my chores at Molly's." I told her, she smiled at me and looked over my shoulder at Mush who still stood in the position I had left him in.  
  
" 'Night Mush, see you." She called over her shoulder as she started up the stairs. " See Bianca home will ya, it's awfully late. "  
  
" 'Night Rachelle." He called back, as she scampered up the last couple steps and shut the door behind her. Silently he moved next to me and took the bundle of clothes giving me a free hand to hold up my skirt. My ankle still throbbed, but I found it was fading. I hobbled across the yard, pointedly not looking at Mush as I went, the words between us still hung in the air. My heart sunk the closer we came to the house, I knew once we were inside all hope of finishing our conversation was over.  
  
Mush opened the door for me and with as much dignity as I could muster; I swept past him, through the kitchen and to the stairs. One light had been left burning in the hall and I knew Molly was in bed, whether she was asleep or not was another matter. I pulled up on my gown and attempted a graceful assent up the stairs. I could hear Mush blowing out the gaslight before he made his way up the stairs behind me. The door to my room had been shut and I opened the door to find my room bathed in moonlight from the two windows. Glancing out the back window I saw the lights of the Black Swan turning out one by one.  
  
"Here." I heard Mush's voice from behind me and turned to find him holding out the clothes he had carried for me.  
  
"Oh." I said setting the harp on my chest of drawers before holding my arms out for them. He took a step forward into the room as he handed the clothes to me. Taking them from him I remained where I was, my hand on the doorknob to shut it behind him. "Goodnight Mush."  
  
He did not move at my dismissal, though my tone had been clear with it. Instead he tucked a stray curl behind my ear and moved closer. I did not fight as his hand slid around to caress the back of my neck. Instead I responded with a skill I had learned in the lessons he had given me. His arm slid around me turning me away from the door as he slid it partially closed. His hand skimmed down my throat, his lips leaving mine and following, when his lips touched my collarbone, I pulled away. I was not afraid of Mush, I trusted him, but I was not ready for the feelings he invoked. Nor was I one of the countless girls that had foolishly given him everything he wanted, without the relationship I wanted. I wanted to, but it was against everything I had been taught, and I wasn't ever going to be ready for that kind of change. I might have become friends with the proprietress of the Black Swan, but I wasn't by any means ready give up my morals.  
  
"Please, don't be angry." I whispered as he sighed and stepped even further away from me. My heart sank and I regretted the words. I knew what I felt was right, but I felt ripped in two. Part of me longed to do whatever he wanted, as long as he stayed with me, while another part refused to even consider the notion.  
  
"It's okay Princess." He replied a hand stroking my hair as he leaned down to kiss my forehead. " Ya ain't one of the other girls, ya ain't made for givin things with out promises."  
  
"I wish I was." I said, my thoughts out of my mouth before I could take them back. At that moment I wished for Lilly's freedom if only for Mush's sake. I blushed furiously the shame at what I had said, forcing me to look at the floor rather than at him." That is I wish I wasn't..................... I mean........................"  
  
"I don't." Was his response, I could hear the ghost of a chuckle in his voice, as if he was stifling it to save my feelings. His hand strayed to my chin where he forced me to look at him. "Don't let any man ever force ya to trade yourself cheaply. Ya worth more than lettin' some man have his way until he tires of ya. I didn't want ya workin' at the Black Swan because I didn't want ya to start thinkin' their way is acceptable. I don't want ya becomin' like them. They may be my family and my friends, but I don't want to see another innocent girl fallin' into the trap of easy money. I watched my mother die from the risks of that life and I don't want that happen again. I lost a girl I loved to a life like that."  
  
"Cinnamon?" I asked hesitantly, his eyes flashed for a moment with dormant anger before he looked away and nodded. "She turned to Spot Conlon didn't she?"  
  
"She was taken in by his good looks." Mush admitted. " He used her infatuation to take what he wanted and then left her. I was her first and she promised her only, but the power of Spot Conlon was too strong. I loved her, and when she came crawling back to me I wouldn't take her. Since then she's become the lover of every newsie that will have her. She's become cold and cruel. She's not the girl I loved."  
  
"I'm sorry." I whispered, tears in my eyes for the pain I could see in his. I touched his arm and felt the scar that snaked down it.  
  
"Spot gave me that." Mush continued as though lost in his past. " I fought him for her before he had her. When I knocked him flat, she cried out in fear and rushed to his side. I woulda' soaked him good, but she stopped me. She never tried to stop him when he attacked me again and left me bleeding on the docks of Brooklyn, while Brooklyn's boys spit on me as they left the spectacle."  
  
"Mush." My voice was soft as I raised the scar to my lips and kissed it as if I could take away all the pain that he had felt. "I'm not like Cinnamon."  
  
"I know." He sighed as his arm pulled me to cuddle against him, his head once again resting on the top of mine. " But ya like she was, and this place has a way of turnin' people. Of twistin' and changin' them."  
  
" I won't do what she did." I promised. " I wouldn't hurt you like that Mush, not ever."  
  
"Sometimes we don't have a choice Bi," Mush told me. " Sometimes it just happens."  
  
" I won't let it." I said fiercely. " Not now not ever."  
  
"I believe you'll try." He chuckled his arms wrapping tighter " And that means all the world."  
  
What Mush didn't understand is I needed his love more than I had needed anything in my life. I had been dying of a thirst I didn't know I had, in the glitzy world I had come from. It's as heady a drink as alcohol when you finally have it, and just as blinding. The fear for his heart was unfounded; it was my heart that was on a tight rope with no security net below. For there could be no us, while the distrust Cinnamon had bred was in Mush's heart.  
  
J.P.: Where'd ya go? Sorry there was no swift updation, but here it is in all it's glory, or umm, when maybe not glory, but you know what I mean. Miss you!  
  
Tiger17: She is becoming human isn't she? I'm finding it amusing, it's nice to see someone else is amused as well. I guess I answered your question in this chapter didn't I? Hope you enjoyed the latest installment  
  
Frenchygoil: Yup, you're in it and you made another appearance, how's that? There is something about French aristocracy that screams taste. Well in some instances, in others it's a little over done. Mush certainly is a jealous guy, but then that's all Cinnamon's fault. I only hope I continued to feed your addiction, I hope you liked it.  
  
Queen Kez: Keza, honey don't have heart attack what would the NJL do without you? Wow, you enjoy my descriptions? I am often afraid that I go too much into detail, which can get boring after a while. My computer's not fixed, but I've had some free time at work so I at least have updated some. It may be a while in coming, but I did update, hope you continue to enjoy!  
  
Dreamer: Yeah, poor Bianca, whatever is she going to do, it would have been really hard to switch classes at that time. There were so many ideas bred into each class that it would be difficult to adopt the new rules. Not to mention neither class would understand that someone would be struggling through the differences. Oh and the CC is always open for you.  
  
Pricilla2: She is growing, I feel like a mom, all-proud of my little character. She's beginning to find that there are more important things to wear than the latest fashions, which is a big leap for her. She is beginning to find her own way, and that's a good thing. I hope you continue to enjoy.  
  
Sugar: You can stop going nuts, I updated for now, I'll try to get another chapter up soon.  
  
Fiffifofum: Wow, what a compliment! Now I'm really blushing. Thank you it really means so much to find that someone likes my work. It is so difficult to create a character that is not a Mary Sue so it's always nice when someone says that. In some ways Bianca is very much a Mary Sue. She's a beautiful girl and that a lone makes her one, but it's that beauty that has created her flaws. I promise I won't hold you to serious reviews, but thank you very much for this one. You probably know how much inspiration comes from a little encouragement. Thank you again!  
  
Rumor: (chuckles at the old woman bit.) That was great, I think I practically live for Rumor reviews, you're the only one who goes bit by bit and reviews as you read. I love it! Internal assessment is the only way I think Bianca is going to survive here. Though it is nice to put her a little bit back into her comfort zone, especially when it's putting her in a place that is completely outside her comfort zone. For a girl of that time, a bordello was not a place she would have ever thought of frequenting and if it hadn't been for Mush and Molly's reactions she might never have talked to them. Cause and effect, men never think about it. I enjoyed writing the bit about beauty and Mush's reaction, it forces Bianca to make him see beyond that. Well I've chewed your ear off now, I hope you liked this sappy and romantic chapter. 


	11. Accptance

I wanted to stay in Mush's arms forever, but the night was only getting later and I had a feeling that Molly would wake me early. I had told her I wanted to sleep late, but who knew if she would respect my wishes, considering I was defying hers. It was nearing three thirty in the morning and I had been off work for barely a half an hour and if Molly chose to wake me at the usual hour in retribution it would be a difficult day.  
  
"I should leave ya." Mush whispered echoing my thoughts, though he made no move to let me go.  
  
"Yes." I replied in a dreamy voice, I was floating, though I believe it was more from exhaustion than Mush. I had that lovely floating feeling that one gets when one has not had the proper amount of sleep, just before giddiness takes over.  
  
"Ya must be exhausted," He murmured as he stepped back. He kissed my forehead and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand before turning and opening the door. I glanced out as he did, hoping against hope that Molly was not there. The last thing I needed right now was Molly snooping, especially when I was certain she was awake. She was a light sleeper by nature and had probably been wide awake the moment we stepped foot into the house. I held in a sigh of relief as I saw the hallway was empty, and Mush glanced back at me with a teasing smile.  
  
"Hoping no one sees me are ya?" he asked and I shook my head vehemently, afraid he had taken my sigh to heart. I was not yet used to the intricacies of teasing, in my circle there had been little joking at least coming from men, and any from the woman had actually been barbed slights disguised as teasing.  
  
"Oh no." I replied, "I just didn't want Molly to get the wrong idea."  
  
"I know what ya were thinkin'" He told me shaking his head and chuckling. "I was teasing you Bianca. We'll have to teach ya not to be so serious."  
  
He squeezed my hand to emphasize the fact he was not upset at me at all, before turning and shutting the door softly behind him. I watched the door close in a daze and reached for the buttons of my shirt. Instead of finding buttons I touched smooth satin and instantly the daze vanished. Instead it was replaced by a momentary panic, there were no buttons, and there were only a row of tiny hooks that ran the back of the bodice. It was certainly a dilemma, I could ask Molly for help, I knew she was awake, but I wasn't sure it was a good idea. I was bound to get another earful, if she would even touch the dress. Asking Mush, was an option, but not a good one. It might give him the wrong idea, not to mention what would happen if we were caught. On top of it I wasn't sure I would have the courage to ask him such a thing. Unable to decide what the best course of action was I opened my door as I pondered the idea. The best and only idea seemed to be to bite the bullet and ask Molly for help. I stepped out into the hall and past the window. The curtains around the window were pitch black against the moonlight that streamed in.  
  
"I thought I told ya to go to bed." A voice said softly from behind me as I smelled the faint smell of cigarette smoke and felt the cool draft from the open window.  
  
"I thought you weren't supposed to smoke in the house." I responded, not moving.  
  
"Well it looks like neither of us do what we're told do we?" Mush replied with another of those husky chuckles that sent a shiver down my spine. I looked to the ceiling as I remembered a time when I didn't get all shivery every time a man talked to me. Since when did I lose that calm cool attitude that had made the men flutter? I was losing my touch. Though all it took was a glance back at Mush and I suddenly didn't care. "So why aren't you all snuggled in bed?" he asked.  
  
"I can not get out of my dress." I told him primly turning and facing him. "The hooks are too small and too plentiful."  
  
"I can see how that would be a problem." Mush said echoing my tone, I saw the glow of his cigarette as he took a drag and puffed out the smoke. I wrinkled my nose as it whirled around me in a dizzying swirl in the moonlight. He seemed to be contemplating something. After a moment he seemed to have reached a decision as he placed the cigarette between his lips before speaking around it. "Turn around."  
  
"Excuse me?" I asked in surprise.  
  
"Turn around, it ain't as if I haven't helped a lady out of her dress before." He said with a hint of exasperation.  
  
"So you expect me to let you unhook my dress here in the middle of the hall where anyone who may be in need of using the privy can waltz out and see you doing this?" My voice was incredulous, but I couldn't help it. I certainly didn't want to give Mush the wrong idea, but I really didn't want to give the whole boarding house the wrong idea.  
  
"Well ya could invite me back into ya room, but that would leave ya in a more scandalous position." Mush pointed out reasonably. He did have a very viable point. "Or ya can ask Molly and I assure you she ain't gonna be civil at this hour especially her feelings toward ya at the moment.  
  
We stood there looking at each other for a moment before I bit back my self- consciousness and turned my back to him. He seemed to hesitate, but seconds later I felt the warmth of his hands at the nape of my neck as he reached for the first hook. I looked out the window unsure of what else to do. Silence reigned around us and it made everything seem more intimate, while making me more uncomfortable. I felt the dress loosen across my chest as he finished with those hooks and immediately my hands flew up to press it tight again. My cheeks had to have been burning far worse than they had been so far this day, which I had to have already set the record for.  
  
"There ya go." He said flicking the last one free. I stood there unsure of what to do. I couldn't let go of my dress; if I did I would be left in my corset and chemise. One of his fingers trailed down the back of my neck tracing my spine until it disappeared behind my corset.  
  
"Like satin." He whispered more to himself than me. I knew I was in a precarious position, after all I had known it was precarious when I had agreed to let him help me. Now I stood frozen to the floor unsure of what to do, unsure if I had the will power to leave. I was becoming more and more aware of what temptation really was and how it could be so hard to pull away from it. He leaned forward and I could feel his breath where his touch had begun. Goosebumps broke out across my body just before he kissed me there. Warmth seeped into my skin from the point where his lips touched, down my back and through my body. His hands wrapped around my upper arms and he pushed me away.  
  
"Go to bed Bianca." Was all he said before stepping away. I glanced back at him to find him looking out the window. "That's twice in one night ya've tested my limits. Now go before I change my mind."  
  
The last was growled out as he flicked what was left of his cigarette out the window and reached out to shut it. When he glanced back up to see if I had left, the burning look in his eyes made me want to comfort him and turn and run all at the same time. I continued to hesitate for only a moment before turning and bolting for my room. He could have had me; twice I was his for the taking and twice he let me go. Molly had said he was a ladies man, he had said himself he was a cad, but he had been a gentleman tonight, I wondered what, if anything that meant.  
  
Exhaustion finally fully hit me and my eyes were burning as I let the dress fall in a puddle of shimmering gold on the floor, too tired to fumble with the hooks of my corset or worry about my stalking, garters, or bloomers I fell back onto the bed, darkness coming before my head every touched the pillow.  
  
I woke the next morning to the warmth of the sun on my face and angry voices outside my door. I realized it had been the voices that had pulled me out of sleep. I struggled to wake up enough to register what they were saying.  
  
"Leave her alone Molly, wakin her up isn't gonna help anything. She's set her mind to doin this and there ain't anythin' we can do to stop her. Tryin' to spite her is only gonna push her futher in the direction ya don't want her goin." I heard Mush's voice; it held the exasperated hissing of one who is highly frustrated, but trying for the benefit of someone else to be quiet. I opened blurry eyes to the brightness of sunshine that my eyes were not quite ready for. I groaned and tried to firmly implant my head back into my pillow.  
  
"I'll be makin it easy for her Mush." Molly hissed back though it didn't seem she cared who heard her. "I've let her sleep past when the boarders leave, and you should've been on your way an hour ago. She'll be getting' up and helpin' me just as she always has, I'm not lettin' her slack off now."  
  
"I tried to talk with her last night. Trust me Molly, she's set on this, she's made her decistion and you're not going to change her mind. The more I argued with her the more she dug her heels in. I don't agree with this anymore than ya do, but I know when to give it up. All we can do is try to help her not make the decisions others have made. There are a few that have remained innocent in this world. A few that have grown up with morals and stuck by them." Mush said comfortingly.  
  
"Ya've gone and done it haven't ya?" Molly asked furiously. "Ya've gotten sweet on the chit."  
  
"If I've gotten sweet on her that ain't none of your business Molly." Mush snapped. I felt my heart both rise and sink. It wasn't a plain answer, but he hadn't denied it either.  
  
"She'll just do what Cinnamon did, if ya let her work there. That's what started Cinnamon down that path, consortin with ya aunt and those women." Molly replied, "Ya aught to remember after all ya got her the job. It wasn't long after she started as a waitress before she wanted to be one of the upstairs girls; ya know it as well as I do. It's surprised I am she's not workin' there now. Bianca's a good girl and I'll be damned if I see her go that way."  
  
"She ain't gonna go that way Molly." Mush growled. "I ain't gonna let her, besides she ain't gonna get her bum pinched on the sly while she's in the corner with her harp. The men hardly noticed her; she was in shadow the entire time. If I didn't know who she was, I would never realized she was there. Besides she ain't interested in makin the men look at her, not like Cin was. Cin was always tryin to get noticed by anythin' male."  
  
"And what do ya think she was doin wearin her best to Medda's?" Molly asked, her voice shaking with her anger.  
  
"She didn't look at anyone but me Molly." Mush said, his voice dropping a hint of surprise there. "That night, until Spot sat down next to her, her eyes were lookin' for me and last night when she was playin' she glanced around the room a few times to see if they liked what she was playin, but the only person she looked directly at was me. I'll take care of her Molly, as long as her eyes stay on me, we've got nothin' to worry about."  
  
"It's your heart she's caught isn't it boyo?" Molly's voice held a note of sadness. "I can only pray she doesn't break it too."  
  
"My heart ain't none of your affair Molly." Mush snapped, from the angry tone in his voice I had a feeling Molly had hit too close to the bone for Mush's tastes. Or at least that is what I was hoping. Still there was this little niggling feeling of doubt within me. After all everything he had said up until last night had been a denial of what he had implied last night. It hit me then, he had never told me he cared about me. Desired me yes, but never that there was anything beyond desire. My heart plummeted through my chest to my stomach as I thought about the kisses I had given him freely, of the liberties I had never allowed anyone that I had given to him. I was thankful I hadn't fallen entirely under the spell he had so carelessly wove last night. I would go carefully with him from now on, much more carefully. I could try, but there was something about Mush that made my mind fly from my head and my body respond to my heart. I was beginning to think that, that was where his name came from, his ability to turn perfectly practical females into mush.  
  
"Don't you see Molly, we have another chance." Mush's pleading voice broke into my thoughts turning my still slightly fuzzy mind to the argument at hand.  
  
"So you're thinkin' that you've been given another chance to fix what went wrong with Cinnamon." Molly said quietly. "Mush ya had nothin' to do with Cinnamon's decisions. Ya not to blame for what she's become. She made her choices. While I want to keep her from makin those same decisions Bianca is gonna make the choices she makes."  
  
"At the same time Molly, we can't keep shelterin' her." Mush retorted, not wanting to touch on that sore subject either. "She's gonna venture out beyond the doors of this boardin' house sometime."  
  
Molly's answer was a snort of some sort that I was sure meant to voice her disagreement of his statement, it was about this time that I had had enough eavesdropping. Tiredly I reached for my wrapper, knowing there was no way I was going back to sleep now. Wrapping it around myself I walked across the room, picking up the pitcher off the dresser and opened the door.  
  
Both Molly and Mush looked to find me standing just a hair's breath from them. I looked from one to the other with a sleepy and confused look on my face. Both looked back at me momentarily speechless. Mush's hair, which had started to grow out since I had first met him, was in wild disarray as though his hands had been running through them in frustration, and Molly's apron was wrinkled beyond repair where she had been twisting it.  
  
"Good morning." I said in a cheery sunny voice. Molly glared at me, while Mush's steely expression softened.  
  
"Good mornin'" he replied a smile tugging at his lips. Molly looked from me to Mush and back again before her mouth set into a firm line of irritation and disapproval. With a noise of aggravation she turned and stomped down the stairs. She was losing and she hated it. At the same time she was afraid for me, and for that I could forgive her. I would just have to prove to them that I could work at the Black Swan and remain untouched by the choices of it's other inhabitants.  
  
I smiled at him before ducking my head and looking at my feet. It was so much easier to face him when it was in the cool soft light of the night rather than the harsh light of the sun that was streaming through the window. I blushed thinking of what had happened in front of that window in the early hours of that morning. Somehow the night made things seem right that may not be as right come morning. My greatest fear was that he would believe I was like the other girls, with those stolen kisses. I felt his finger gently touch my chin and raise my head so I was looking at him.  
  
"I'll meet ya at the Black Swan when I'm done sellin my papes." He told me, making my heart leap. I was beginning to fear that these up and down feelings were going to do damage to the sensitive organ. "If the headlines are good I'll see ya before ya begin ya shift. If not then I'll see ya durin' your shift, either way I'll walk ya back to the boardin' house. It'll be too late for ya to be wonderin' around by yaself."  
  
I nodded and smiled, his finger traced my cheek in a gesture that I was beginning to take for affection before he turned and made his way down the stairs. I leaned against the wall next to my door, smiling dreamily as I watched him go.  
  
"Stop ya lollygagin'. Ya've got lots to do before ya leave this afternoon." Molly snapped as she reached far enough up the stairs to see me. I felt my cheeks growing hot again and I whirled into my room, vowing to conquer the blushes as soon as possible. My day was spent cleaning and doing laundry just as it had been for the past few weeks. I stopped only for a bit of stew for lunch before completing my tasks and gathering up both the gold dress and my harp. I was hoping to escape out the back door before Molly could catch me, but I ran into her in the hallway. We stared each other down for a few moments before she broke the silence.  
  
"Be careful Bianca darlin'." She said finally as she offered me a grim smile. "I don't like this, I know I haven't been very subtle about it, but I don't. I don't want ya workin' there for all there same reasons Mush doesn't, plus I don't want to see Mush hurt again if ya do turn the way so many others have. Ya've got his heart in ya hands lass, whether he'll admit to it or no, and if ya hurt him so help me God, I'll not be responsible for me actions."  
  
I nodded quietly, a sliver of fear sliding through me just as Molly had intended. There was something in her eyes that told me she was serious and I wouldn't like the out come if I should bring pain to Mush.  
  
"Now get, I'm sure Rush has another dress to fit ya for," Molly said, breaking the silence and stepping out of the way. I wasn't sure what surprised me more, that Molly was going to let me go or that she knew who Rush was and that she had planned on fitting me for a new dress. My heart was infinitely lighter as I made my way across the alleyway and the grass. I had the interest of the man I was infatuated with and the grudging blessings from both to continue my new job.  
  
Fiffifofum: Here's another alert for DTD, it's been a while since I've been able to get my fiancé to work on editing for me. He was actually supposed to work on another chapter last night, but he forgot. Hopefully I'll have something to post tomorrow. Anyway I am so glad you are enjoying this, and I can't wait for your next review.  
  
Dreamer: long time no talk to, I'm sending off another chapter of this for you to look over while I push Dan to look at it as well, I've been backed up, three new chapters and he won't sit down for a few minutes and edit. MEN! Hey did you send me that CC you had for a character in this story? All I can find is the CC for WOT. Thank you for your lovely compliments. Talk to you soon I hope.  
  
Emotions: One of your favorite stories? Awe, I'm touched, thank you. I'm not sure how long, but my characters never have it easy. I'll put you in if you would like e-mail me the info. Thank you again!  
  
Rumor: He, he, grandma, you always make me laugh. I love looking at the story through your eyes. Poor, poor Mush, he's been beaten up pretty good hasn't he? Still that's what makes him as tough as he is. I hope there was more Mush time here that is enjoyable. Love ya grams.  
  
Alias19: I really tried for a different approach for him, if you watch him in the movie he doesn't always have that sweet naïve look on his face. There are defiantly a few times he looks like he could kick some ass, and with that bod I don't doubt he could. I am so glad you enjoy my stories, thank you!  
  
Miseryluvscompany: It is a double-edged compliment, one that makes you feel good, but sad all at the same time. The Black Swan is going to be quite the learning experience for her, she's been so sheltered throughout all of her life. You love how I write? Really? Thanks, that means a lot.  
  
Pricilla2: It left me all warm and tingly too. Yup guards coming down, we'll see how long it lasts though.  
  
Queen Kez the Wicked: Hey Kez, how ya doin? You really didn't blink, wow your eyes must have been pretty dry. You liked it , yay! Woo HOO! I'll try to update sooner! (hides from cattle prod)  
  
Spot-the-emu: Yup I submitted it, I was a little nervous about doing so, but I thought what the hell. I'm sorry it was boring in the beginning for you thank you for sticking with it. I am glad I seem to have made a turn around for you though. Thank you, I've really tried to create a good character in Bianca, she's not perfect by any means, and personally I love that about her. I'll try to update more often, but my editor has been lazy lately (aka the fiancé) I've got him working now. I don't think he looked at the last one, so sorry for the typo. Thank you for pointing it out though. Look for another chapter of this one coming up soon. Hey where did those reviews go?  
  
J.P.: You're always late, but then so am I so, does that have something to do with sharing a brain? Glad you enjoyed this chapter, hey when are you going to start writing again? I'd love to see some of your work posted here. Don't make me ransom my story for an update from you!  
  
The Good Girl: I am so happy you love this. I hope you continue to enjoy it! Thank you for your reviews. 


	12. Beau

I entered the back door somewhat hesitantly, not sue what to expect, and found that only the cook was there. She was punching bread dough with her beefy hands, pausing only for a brief smile at me before returning to the chore.  
  
"Look Cookie." Rush's voice came through the swinging door just seconds before she entered. I smiled; even her voice was ahead of the rest of her. She came rushing into the kitchen and held the door open for the person that was behind her.  
  
Walking with the grace and serenity of a dancer came one of the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her honey colored hair gleamed in the sunlight, falling in a graceful fall to gently brush the middle of her thighs. Her eyes were the color of forget-me-nots, and her skin a perfect peaches and cream. I had no doubts now, of Lilly's previous statements that I would fall short in comparison to the woman that worked above the stairs in the Black Swan.  
  
It was the negligee, however, that had everyone's attention. While it brought back the cursed blushes, it was also quite possibly the most beautiful garment I had seen. I longed for it as one does after a pretty bauble, but I had no doubts that it would never look as lovely on anyone as did on the woman who currently wore it. The rich violet made her eyes all the more vivid, and accented her creamy skin. Both the negligee and the gown were made of georgette, a fabric that was shear, but with one over the other it made it almost modest. Only the curves of her body were outlined against the shadowy entrance that she had stopped to pose in. The wide sleeves belled to her wrists and were embellished with shimmering gold and purple beads that formed irises. Matching beadwork ran along the hem completing the ensemble.  
  
"Oh, Rush dear, it's your best one yet." Cookie replied smiling and clapping her hands in girlish glee, sending puffs of flour and bits of dough everywhere. I nodded in amazed agreement. It was something rather spectacular. "And Iris, ya look positively beautiful, but then that's not very hard, is it?"  
  
"We all have our charms Cookie, otherwise we wouldn't be here." Iris told her, though she smiled at the compliment. Her eyes fell on me and she offered me the smile. "You must be Bianca, welcome."  
  
Rush looked over at me and her eyes lit, I couldn't remember any time anyone had ever been as excited to see me. She moved with her customary swiftness to my side as Iris held out her hand. I shook Iris's hand, while Rush seized my other one and started for the door.  
  
"We've got to get you fitted, I have to finish the fitting for Ivy's new dress and then we'll get started on you." She told me without a greeting, giving me little choice but to follow her.  
  
"Have you decided what you'll put her in?" Iris asked curiously from behind me as I was towed along in Rush's wake, without even being allowed to bid adieu to the cook.  
  
"I thought that wine colored dress I made for Rose. Thought with Rose's red hair it would be stunning but it turned out to be all wrong. Rose's skin has too much red in it to look right." Rush replied without turning around.  
  
"Odd you never make a mistake on how something will look on someone." Iris mused.  
  
"Almost never darling, almost never." Rush chuckled. "I've already given her the gold one that Marigold decided she did not want. It was fabulous on her, but well you know Marigold. "  
  
"Yes, ever finicky Marigold, did she decide she didn't like the color?" Iris asked, her voice laden with amusement.  
  
"No it was apparently too risqué to wear in public and not risqué enough to wear for work." Rush sighed. "Some of these girls need to learn that less is more."  
  
"We all have our own styles." Iris responded in the tone of one who is used to playing referee. I had spent so much time looking from one to the other I didn't realize we had made our way up the stairs and were now standing in front of the very door that Rush had herded me into the night before.  
  
"Welcome to the Black Swan Bianca." Iris said before exiting into what must have been her room, the brass plaque on the door with an Iris engraved on it gave it away. I found myself still feeling rather bewildered and windblown as Rush threw open the door and entered leaving me in the hall to follow if I chose to.  
  
"Rush, honey this dress is too short." The soft drawl of a southern belle met me as I entered. Glancing around I saw a woman standing before the picture window, her golden blonde hair pulled on top of her head in a truly haphazard manner. She glanced over at me as I entered and held out her leg to show that the soft yellow nightgown she work reached a few inches above her ankle.  
  
"That would be because I'm not done with it yet Marigold. "Rush replied in the tone of someone who is trying to be patient and failing miserably. "If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times, don't rush an artist. I haven't had a chance to add the trim to it. I'll try to finish it this evening, but I have Ivy's dress to finish, and Bianca to fit for her new dress. I simply can not do everything and Lilly would skin me if I let her wear the same dress two nights in a row."  
  
"I'm not to wear the same dress twice in a row?" I queried my brow puckering with confusion. I was not unused to this idea, but in my current living situations, such a luxury was not offered.  
  
"We have regular clientele that come in on occasion on consecutive nights. None of the upstairs women of course wear the same clothing twice of course, but we won't embarrass you any further than I already have."  
  
"Why do I not have a uniform as the wait staff does?" I asked her trying to fight the blush that invariably came to my cheeks, at this point I was just beginning to decide I would have to get used to it.  
  
"You rank higher than the wait staff and lower than the girls upstairs." Rush told me as she turned to riffle through different piles of fabric. I glanced at the woman who stood still posing in the sunlight. I recognized as one of the women at the table when Lilly had offered me a job. She eyed me warily and I returned her look blankly. I had no idea how to handle this situation. Rush seemed blithely oblivious to us both as she hummed beneath her breath. I would bet my undergarments that she would be just as oblivious no matter what was happening. With a hesitant smile she started toward me her hand out.  
  
"I am Marigold." She said her voice sweet and pure. "You must be Bianca, we've heard quite a lot about you. I caught a bit of your playing, you're quite good."  
  
"Thank you." I replied softly, she seemed so sweet, but I felt a twinge telling me she was not as sweet as she seemed. Perhaps it was something lurking in her eyes, but I had a feeling she was not as sincere as she seemed.  
  
"Well it's been delightful, I'll see you later honey." She said to me, the later for Rush, I smiled just as sweetly at her. I knew how to play her game, I knew it well and I had been trained by the best.  
  
"Don't worry Bianca, you'll get used to the way things are around here." Rush said reassuringly from where she had managed to bury her self in a trunk full of expensive cloth.  
  
"I am sure I will." I murmured suddenly for the first time feeling like I was on my own ground again. I understood the rules of this little society, it was no different than the rules in the ballroom, except these doves were a little soiled.  
  
"Ah, here it is." She cried in triumph as she started to separate a bit of wine colored velvet from the rest of the cloth. "Oh and there is the rust, try them both on, there is a screen over there if you need privacy."  
  
As I took the dress from her the door opened and admitted another occupant of the Black Swan. This woman wore a black sati robe that matched the black satin fall of her perfectly straight hair. Her skin glowed a healthy color that told me she was of Indian decent. Her surprisingly vivid green, almond shaped eyes surveyed both Rush and I as she waited for something.  
  
"Ah, Ivy, there you are." Rush said as she caught sight of the new woman, from her response I gathered it was not unusual for people to come and go out of her little fitting room as they pleased. "The dress is on the couch if you would try it on I will see about finishing it before tonight."  
  
Ivy still said nothing as she walked to the couch. Iris moved like dancer, Marigold like a butterfly, Ivy, however, moved like a cat. She was soft on her feet, silent as a ghost and almost in a predatory.  
  
"Marigold asked me to give this to you." Ivy told her, her voice solemn as she handed Rush the dress Marigold had been complaining about earlier.  
  
"Perfect." Rush spluttered joyfully as she took the gown from Ivy and proceeded to pull out a silk night. Ivy untied the sash of her robe and shrugged it from her shoulders completely unabashedly. I looked hastily away hating the sting of the color that was once again in my cheeks. I heard the sound of silk sliding across bare skin and glanced in the mirror to my right. Ivy stood silently as Rush, with a mouthful of pins, tucked and pinned the nightgown so it flowed around her lithe athletic body, hugging and accenting everything it was supposed to. I had to admit Rush knew her craft well. I waited in silence listening to Rush's bright cheerful chatter until Ivy swept from the room not saying a word.  
  
"Ivy's a woman of few words." Rush told me "Now what are you doing standing there get changed."  
  
I glanced down and realized I still held the velvet in my hand and had yet to try it on. Shaking my head at myself I turned and slipped behind the screen. Quickly I removed the clothing I had hastily thrown on to help Molly work, and I donned the dress. It was wonderful to feel the softness of velvet under my hands as I stepped from behind the screen to let Rush fasten the tiny velvet colored buttons up the back. Glancing in the mirror as she did, I gasped, the gold gowns neckline had plunged, but this was indecent.  
  
"Oh, no." I said interrupting whatever it was Rush had been saying. "I can't wear this dress."  
  
"Why not?" Rush queried her head popping up over my shoulder to look herself.  
  
"It's far too low." I replied my hands going to cover the flesh that was so indecently on display. "It shows far too much. I couldn't possibly allow myself to be seen in this dress."  
  
"Bianca honey, you do work in a house of ill repute, to put it mildly." Rush said in the same done she had used with Marigold. Rush wasn't one to take criticism of her work well. Especially when she knew as I did it looked wonderful.  
  
"Yes, but I do not work upstairs and I refuse to look like I do." I snapped, she took one look at my mutinous expression and turned around muttering. I watched warily as she searched the drawers that had been built into the wall just behind the screen before she finally turned around, her expression yet again triumphant. In her hand was a length of georgette close to the same shade as the dress I currently wore.  
  
"Alright take it off." She said moments later as the last of the buttons had fallen free. "Try this rust colored one on while I work on this one."  
  
I reached for the dress that lay across the settee and returned to the small alcove behind the screen, listening to the whirring of her sewing machine as she started foot pedal. The rust colored dress had been made for someone far bustier than I and I had to hold the dress up as peaked around the corner expecting to see Rush still at the Machine. Instead I found her poking though the pile of dresses in search of the next one for me to try on. Coming to stand behind her, I fingered the dress she had fixed with admiration. Within the short time it had taken me to smooth the new dress over my corset an petticoats, she had created a two inch bit of trim out of the georgette and it looked as though it had been part of the original design.  
  
"You are a genius." I told her in awe; she only smiled as she went to work fitting ht new dress. So involved were we that neither of us saw Lilly until she had seated herself on the settee and had been watching for a few minutes.  
  
"No, I don't think so Rush." She said startling both of us. Unfortunately for me I was the one who was not holding the pins. I felt the prick and squeaked my protest. She apologized and took a step back looking at the dress for a moment.  
  
"You're right Lilly, it's too soft of a color." Rush sighed. "It looks nice, but not spectacular."  
  
"Precisely, Bianca has the makings of a spectacularly beautiful woman, lets exploit it shall we?" Lilly responded smiling warmly at me. I felt uncomfortable with her compliment.  
  
"I am not as spectacular as the women I have met so far today." I said both pleasure and confusion warring within me.  
  
"Oh, but you could be." Lilly told me holding up a hand at my automatic protest. "You were once the most beautiful girl of the New York elite, and you knew it. You cannot tell me that now you don't find yourself as beautiful as the other women here. Desire begins in the mind Bianca; it is not always beauty of a face that attracts a man. Though a woman with an attractive face need not work as hard as a woman without to gain that attention. You are smart, with a quick mind, that combined with beauty is a powerful thing. Don't ever underestimate your own power."  
  
Molly's words to Mush came back to haunt me, Cinnamon certainly knew her power, and she exploited it. I was beginning to wonder if it hadn't originally been Cinnamon's nature to act as she did. Perhaps Mush had been right in telling me not to work at the Swan. Still Lilly was smiling at me and I did not want to disappoint her. I had built a friendship with the woman and I felt fear of losing that assail me.  
  
"Yes Lilly." I said softly as Rush helped me out of the gown and shuffled through the other gowns looking for another.  
  
"Now tell me, how did Molly take your new employment?" she asked as Rush pulled the new dress over my head.  
  
"She gave in rather ungracefully." I told her with a wry tone as my head popped through the top of the dress. "But she did give in with a little prodding from Mush."  
  
"Ah, my nephew to the rescue again." Lilly said, her eyes twinkling. "I understand he had become interested in yet another one of my flowers."  
  
"I suppose." I replied not looking at her, I wondered if all the women working for her were her flowers, or if it was just the ladies upstairs. I shoved the feelings of unease aside, this was Lilly, and she was my friend now. Besides there were many questions I had that I wasn't sure Mush would answer. So many questions that dealt with the ghost of the woman who had held his heart before me. "He really did love her didn't he Lilly."  
  
"He did." She told me honestly not bothering to ask whom it was I was speaking of. Rush glanced at Lilly from around me, but fell curiously silent.  
  
"It's hard to fight a man away from the ghost of another woman." Lilly mused to Rush who had not lost her disapproving look. "It's best she knows what she is up against. I will assume you know Cinnamon and Mush grew up together. They knew each other back before the newsies renamed them. Cinnamon was Rebecca then and Mush was Beau. He was such a handsome little boy, the apple of his mother's eye. She was just as sweet it wasn't until she got older and realize she was beautiful that she became as she is. It went straight to her head and Beau just wasn't enough. He was mad about her though, he loved her from the first moment he saw her and when they were old enough he swore he would marry her."  
  
"Oh." Was all I could say, I felt a stab of doubt and fear in my heart. How could I hope to compete with that? How could I hope he would ever care about me as he had about her? The fiery feeling of jealously was starting to seep into my heart. No longer did I just feel distain toward Cinnamon, I felt the stirrings of a much deeper emotion.  
  
"Lilly, the customers are starting to trickle in." Marigold said from the door way dressed in a baby blue robe.  
  
"That's both our cues." Lilly sighed "You get dressed, let me know if you need anything tonight Bianca."  
  
I nodded and took the first dress I had tried on from Rush as Lilly slipped out the door. I sat silently as Rush buttoned the back of my dress. The comb she pulled through my hair was relaxing as she tamed my hair into an elegant coif. She tied a band of red velvet around my neck and sent my one my way.  
  
The dinning room lights had been dimmed, but the fading golden light made the ruby colored room feel like the inside of a plush jewelry box. This time I saw the gleam in the men's eyes as I passed on my way to my chair and I wasn't sure I liked the look. I had enjoyed being beautiful, but this look was more than admiration, more than simple admiration. It was the dark beast that had lurked in Aidian's eyes. I prayed he would never choose this establishment for an evening of pleasure. This early there was no one I recognized and I thanked my lucky stars for that. I sat at the seat I played in the night before and ran my fingers experimentally over the strings. The sound was sweet and pure just like Marigold's voice. Smiling softly to myself I began to softly play. I had been turned again in shadow so my face was hidden and as I added my voice to the harp I forgot the men around me all together.  
  
I didn't see Mush slip in, but I knew the moment he was there. It was as if I could feel him there. I glanced up to see his chocolate colored eyes fastened on me with a look of intensity that I wasn't sure whether to be frightened of or not. I smiled at him and he answered it, though I was certain he could not see my face. At least I hoped he could not.  
  
When the clock struck one I covered my harp and started for the kitchens. Mush followed, I didn't have to look back to know it. It was quiet here, the kitchen had shut down for the night and a bag lay on the table, a gleam of gold. A note lay on top of it from Rush telling me the original dress I had been given and two more dresses had been added to my skimpy wardrobe. There would be more to follow, eventually. Carefully I lay my harp in the sack and took it from the table. Mush was the door waiting silently for me and I followed him out.  
  
The cool air hit me making goosebumps rise on my arms and I mentally berated myself for forgetting to bring a coat. I moved down the steps into the yard, Mush following me as before.  
  
"I missed you." I said softly, though he was behind me he was close enough I could feel the warmth radiating off his skin.  
  
"It was only a day Bianca." He pointed out practically. I sighed, at his evasion of voicing any affection.  
  
"It seemed like forever." I replied turning to face him, smiling at him and thankfully he smiled back. It was a soft sweet smile that would have made any woman melt.  
  
"Pretty dress." He offered his eyes lingering on the still rather daring cut of the neckline. He licked his lips and forced his eyes back to mine. "Pretty girl."  
  
"Thank you." I responded feeling a warm glowing feeling down to my toes. "Handsome man, you need a hair cut."  
  
I reached for his hat before he could move away and plucked it from his head. He gave me a slightly annoyed look and reached for it, but I evaded his grasp. I grabbed my skirts feeling light and free now that I was finally in his company. All the fears and doubts had vanished now that he was here. Perhaps it was the moonlight that affected me making me act in such a childish way, or perhaps it was the giddy feeling of being in love for the first time, but I turned from him and ran with a look that dared him to follow. It was certainly not something I normally would have done, but it was instinctive and I was beginning to realize I was going to have to follow my instincts in order to win Mush's heart.  
  
There was something wonderful about racing through the nigh with him on my trail. He muttered at first, but I knew he really didn't' mind. Just as I didn't mind the soft breeze that made me shiver with cold. Finally he caught me against Molly's house as he pried my fingers from their death grip on his hat.  
  
"I didn't know ya were one for makin' men chase after ya Bi." He whispered teasingly, my wrists both held in one of his hands in a grip I couldn't break no matter how hard I tried.  
  
"I am not." I said in a mixture of distain and insult. I did struggle a bit, but I knew I wouldn't be able to be free until he wanted me to be.  
  
"Ya just wanted me to kiss ya." He said wriggling his eyebrows and smiling to let me know he had only been joking. I looked at him with wide eyes and he fell silent.  
  
"I know it's wrong of me, but I do." I whispered simply. His hands loosened and one touched my cheek in a soft affectionate manner.  
  
"It's not wrong to want to kiss me Bianca." He said his tone serious. "It's not a crime. I promise I'll take care of you. I won't ever take advantage of you, you can trust me."  
  
I let my guard down as he gently cupped my cheeks and lowered his head. The kiss was sweet and gentle and with each gentle touch of his lips I lost another piece of my heart.  
  
"Beau." The name slipped from my lips on a sigh. Suddenly he was rigged in my arms.  
  
"What did you say." He snapped. Wounded I pulled away from him. "What did you call me?" He demanded.  
  
"Beau." I replied almost tearfully. "Lilly said your real name was Beau."  
  
"I am not Beau anymore." He growled, I could almost feel the pain rolling off of him and I felt a stab of pain. There had only been one other woman that had called him that when he had kissed her. One other woman that stood in the way of him opening up to me.  
  
"So you won't even allow me the use of your real name." I spat. "You'll protect me and care for me, but you won't ever let me too close right?"  
  
"What are ya talking about?" he snapped back. "I don't like to be called Beau any longer that's it."  
  
"No that isn't it, Mush is the mask you hide behind to save yourself the pain of feeling." I said unable to keep the note of desperation out of my voice. "Beau is the man you are, the one you won't let anyone near any longer. I want to know the real you, the man who helped a stupid girl that was more trouble than she was worth. You saved me Beau."  
  
"I didn't do anything..........................." His protests were broken off when for the first time I kissed him. It threw him off guard to no longer be in control , he responded instantaneously. I found myself against the wall drowning in the kiss. When he finally pulled back he sounded like a drowning man gasping for breath. "Ya tempt me to want too much."  
  
"I won't hurt you." I promised. "I trust you Beay, you saved me and I will be eternally grateful."  
  
"Ya wouldn't think that if ya really knew him." A voice said startling us both. I heard a chorus of male chuckles and felt Mush whirl around. He pushed me behind him, his muscles instantly tensing for a fight. One arm remained outstretched in a protective gesture.  
  
"Get the hell out of here Spot." Mush snapped. "This ain't none of your affair."  
  
"Oh, I think it is." The voice replied as Spot Conlon stepped from the shadows and into a ray of moonlight that turned his hair to a silvery gold. "After all she should know what she's gettin' into, don't ya think? Ya reputation's better than mine when it comes to women Beau." His name was said with a sneer.  
  
I looked from Mush to Spot and back again, my heart in my throat. I wanted to throw my hand sup and cover my ears, but I had a feeling it would do no good. I could feel Mush tense even more and I felt a flash of fear. Fear that would turn to sorrow for the disillusionment and main that would come at Spot's hands.  
  
I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter, it's been so long since I've posted, I'm trying to get this up as soon as possible. So I am sorry I am not posting individual S.O's. Still I made this an extra long chapter to make up for it. Thank you!!!! 


	13. The Pain of First Heartbreak

A special thank you to Keza for editing this chapter, and thank you for the offer to go over the next! Without you this chapter might never have gotten posted

We all stood there in the moonlight frozen like a portrait. We remained that way for a few moments until Mush moved restlessly, like a warrior straining for the battle. Spot answered his impatience with a movement not unlike Mush's.  
  
"Why wouldn't I trust him?" I asked breaking into the silence hoping to forestall a fight. I moved around Mush so that we stood with my shoulder just in front of him in my own gesture of protection. As I did so I laid a soothing hand on Mush's arm. We were outnumbered, there was no doubt of that and though I knew Mush was a strong man I feared there were just too many of them. They were perched on the fence or leaning against it behind Spot, looking like Jackals ready for the signal to attack. "He's never given me any reason not to."  
  
"Hasn't he?" Spot queried, still not looking at me, his eyes on Mush almost willing him to come after Spot.  
  
"No." I replied firmly. "I don't know what you are doing here, but I think it would be best if you went back to Brooklyn."  
  
"And what will ya do if I don't?" He challenged, his attention finally turning to me. It seemed as though his eyes softened for a moment when they fell on me. I lifted my chin and gazed at him with all the haughtiness I could muster. He just smirked at me as though it amused him.  
  
"Has he said he loves you?" he asked abruptly, causing me to look at him in shock for a moment, trying to process what he had said.  
  
"No," I replied truthfully, not entirely sure what his question had to do with anything.  
  
"Wow, ya really moved up in the world, Mush, a girl ya don't have to say ya loved before ya get her into bed," Spot laughed, his tone congratulatory. I looked at Mush as if to ask what the meaning of Spot's words were.  
  
"I ain't touched her." Mush spat, his attention entirely focused on his nemesis.  
  
"Sure ya ain't, ya always were good at tellin' one thing in front of a lady and tellin' us boys somethin' else." Spot said with a chuckle of comradery that, looking at Mush, wasn't returned. "I remember the first time with Cin, ya spent all night describin' just exactly what it was like."  
  
"And I was a fool," Mush said with a hatred in his voice that frightened me. "I told my best friend about my girl, never dreaming that he wanted her for himself. But then you've always wanted what I've had. Ain't that right, Spot?"  
  
I was surprised that I hadn't realized Mush and Spot had ever been friends. I guess I had assumed that they had sprung from the womb with a natural animosity toward each other. It made sense, though, for only a person that had been a good friend can hurt you the most. They understand what makes you tick and know exactly what will get under your skin.  
  
"I can't help it if they just like me better once they meet me," Spot responded, irritating Mush more with his calmness than he would have if he had gotten angry. "But we're strayin' away from the real subject here, and that would be ya relationship with the lovely Bianca. Stories are runnin' rampant 'round the Manhattan lodgin' house. Me birdies are all a twitter about it. Seems Mush has gotten away with the unthinkable. Ya landed Miss Hoity Toity Bianca. Interestin' stories Mush, if she's as hot as ya say, I may just have to have a sample."  
  
"What have you said?" I cried, whirling to him, my cheeks flaming at the looks the Brooklyn boys were exchanging. I felt shame and humiliation, everything that I had done thus far no matter how innocent it had ended would ruin my reputation forever. I felt betrayal and anger; I had trusted him.  
  
"I ain't said nothin'," Mush growled at me.  
  
"Sure?" Spot asked like the showman he was. I glowered at him hatefully; it was disgusting how much he was enjoying this. "From what I hear you've trained Bianca to be a mighty hot kisser. How about ya lay those sweet lips over here."  
  
Mush's face turned an alarming shade of red; I wasn't sure whether it was in anger or embarrassment. It lasted only for a moment as he struggled to gain control of himself. A expressionless mask seemed to fall over his normally expressive face and he breathed deeply before turning back to Spot.  
  
"That was great Spot, ya really had me goin' for a moment," Mush said calmly with a smirk of his own. "Ya just saw us kissin', and I ain't gonna deny that she's gainin' some talent there. Still that don't mean we've done anythin' else. Nice try, got anythin' better?"  
  
Even in the dark I could see Spot's eyes flash at Mush's mocking tone. My heart slowed as I realized that Spot was just trying to cause trouble, Mush hadn't really said anything. It was only a momentary feeling of relief, because Spot was by no means done.  
  
"Sure Mushy boy, "Spot replied, anger glittering in his eyes dangerously as he spoke. "I heard all about the other night. Was she good?"  
  
I looked back at Mush in wide-eyed panic. What other night, what else had been said? I prayed suddenly that it would just be another thing that could be explained away. I prayed that Spot was looking for something, anything, to make either of us angry.  
  
"I don't know what ya talkin' about," Mush said, looking steadily at Spot and almost daring him to continue. I knew that he didn't have to dare Spot; Spot was quire ready to tell.  
  
"Oh come on Mush," Spot said, giving me a sly look over. "We all know that after Bianca's first night at the Swan, ya had ya way with her."  
  
I gasped and looked at Mush in shock, what lies had been spread about me? It seemed my reputation was already in tatters. I felt tears rise in my eyes ad the feeling of helpless anger that washed over me. Unfortunately the damage just a few words might cause would never be erased. Nothing I said or did would ever change anyone's mind about me. They would believe the worst, as it was what was more interesting.  
  
"I didn't say anythin' like that." Mush's voice was shaking with anger and for a moment I believed he hadn't said a word. That it was a malicious lie that Spot was saying to try to cause problems for Mush.  
  
"Oh, tell me Bianca, ya got a corset with bright red satin trim at the top?" Spot asked me, I felt the blood drain out of my face leaving me deathly white. "That gold dress sure must have been a bear to unbutton, especially when there was only the moon out to see by. Ya couldn't dare light a candle lest Molly know what ya were up to."  
  
I gasped, there was no doubt now, only Mush and I knew about the help he had given me that night. I certainly hadn't said anything; I knew exactly what would be thought despite my assurances otherwise. I felt as though the breath had been knocked out of me. Pain ripped through my chest and for the first time I felt the pain that can come with love. My hand flew to my chest and I backed away from Mush who just stood there stunned, unable to comprehend he had been caught in a lie. My mind flashed back to a week ago when I had known Mush for a cad and wondered where in everything I had lost sight of that.  
  
A harsh sound came from my lips and I realized it was the sound of my heart breaking on a sob. Mush looked at me as though his heart was breaking along with mine and I just looked at him with a combination of shock and betrayal.  
  
"How dare you," I said in a chocked voice as I tried to control the keening wail I could feel building. Never had I been privy to such emotions, never had I cared enough to be hurt. Oh, I had been hurt by my parents careless disregard even though I had pretended not to, but eventually I had learned to live with it. It was a gradual hurt not this pain that made me want to fall to the ground and sob out my hurt.  
  
At the thought of such a display I drew myself up to my full diminutive height and attempted to fight for control before continuing.  
  
"How could you take something so innocent and change it into something so.................., so................, "I paused for a moment as I searched for a word. "So lecherous?"  
  
"Ya Mushy, how could ya?" Spot asked, thoroughly enjoying this.  
  
"Quiet!" I thundered and Spot fell silent in shock. I turned to Mush who just stood there never once denying the accusations, having the audacity to look angry, yet ashamed. "You may leave now and I never want to see you again. What ever there was between us, you killed the day you betrayed my trust. Nothing you say now will ever restore my reputation, nothing you do will ever make this all right. Get out of my sight."  
  
"Bianca," He said his voice soft and pleading, his eyes telling me he understood my anger, but begged me to forgive him.  
  
"Did you............." I trailed off, suddenly realizing I needn't ask that question. "If you cared about me you would have never said such things. My reputation is all I have any longer and you've taken that away. How am I ever to get a good husband? My chances of a marriage are slim now. I left home so that I might protect myself and you have undone it all with a few words. I've never fooled myself in thinking you love me Mush, but I thought you at least cared."  
  
"I do care." He said softly stepping toward me his arms rising from his sides as if he would take me in his arms and protect me. I longed to fall into them, but I resisted. He stopped just before me his chocolate colored eyes soft and warm. For a moment I looked into them and thought perhaps he might make it right.  
  
"Do you love me Mush?" I breathed, "I don't want words whispered in the night to encourage me to become your lover. I want the truth, can you look at me and say those words and mean it?"  
  
His arms dropped to his sides and he looked away from me.  
  
"What has this been?" I cried in fury. "Have you been leading me on to drop me as you have every girl since Cinnamon? Haven't you had enough, Mush? Haven't you broken enough hearts to make up for her hurting you? When are you going to stop making others pay for her stupidity? You know what? You're going to die alone Mush, alone because you can't trust anyone to care for you."  
  
He looked at me helplessly with fear in his eyes and it tore at my already battered heart. I whirled from him and crouched down, my hands around my middle as if it would help the pain. A dawning realization crept upon me and I realized this hurt stemmed from the fact I loved him. I was so angry I didn't care what I said. If I had I would have never told him how I felt, my pride wouldn't have allowed it, but at that point I was beyond pride.  
  
"God, Mush I love you, I didn't know it until now." The words started with a whisper and slowly rose to the volume of full rage. "My heart was in the palm of your hand and I would have followed you until the ends of the earth. I would have done anything for you, but you knew that didn't you? You toyed with me as you have all others. You know just how to make women love you so that you can get what you want and leave. Well you aren't going to get what you want here. Go find some other girl and swindle away her innocence." I could stand it no longer I turned to the house and threw myself inside. Molly stood in the kitchen making what looked like hot milk, her eyes widened as they took the tears in my eyes and my disheveled appearance. I did not stop instead I threw myself toward the stairs before she could say anything.  
  
"Bianca?" Molly's worried voice followed me as I reached the staircase, but I did not slow, all I wanted was to lock myself in my room and never come out. There were far too many emotions swirling within me, and none of them good. "Mush, what happened?"  
  
Hearing that now hated name I looked over the banister in time to see Mush charging through the kitchen. Fear filled me for I knew if he caught me I would be lost.  
  
"Not now Molly," Mush said urgently as he skirted around her and started for me. I hastily ran up the stairs, tripping over my long dress and blinded by tears. I heard him on the stairs behind me, and my heart raced with adrenaline. As I reached the top I hurled open my door. Glancing back I saw Mush gaining on me and I heaved myself in and slammed the door behind me. I stood there leaning against the door, my breathing ragged as his footsteps ended outside my door. Quickly I turned the key to lock the door and looked wildly about my room for something to keep him out.  
  
"Bianca!" He roared as he reached the top. "Bianca let me in, please, I have to talk to you."  
  
"I don't want to hear anything you have to say!" I called through the door. "Please just leave me alone."  
  
Silence reigned as my plea reached his ears and I heard him slide down the door. I knew he sat just on the other side and I couldn't help myself from going to the door and kneeling down, my hand resting where he was on the other side.  
  
"I didn't tell them Bianca," I heard him say, and my heart leapt at his words. I felt a sliver of hope slide in until my mind whispered against it.  
  
"Why didn't you say anything before?" I asked and I knew he could hear me. In the silence of the house with only one thin door between us I had no doubts. "You were quick enough to defend yourself and me against his accusations of kissing, but you didn't say to defend yourself later."  
  
"I didn't know what to say, I was too shocked at what he said," Mush replied. "I kept trying to figure out how he had found out."  
  
"Stop lying Mush, I......., I........, just please, go." I broke off as the sobs I had been trying to hold back over took me. I heard him sigh, a soft forlorn sound, and then I heard noises that told me he was getting up. His footsteps were slow and heavy as he made his way back down and all I could do was cry.  
  
"Mush what happened?" I heard Molly ask, her voice full of worry.  
  
"Spot," Mush said, the word was spat out like something disgustingly bitter had been in his mouth. "He's ruined everything, just as he does best."  
  
"What did he do?" Molly pressed. "Please let me help."  
  
"I don't know how it happened, Molly, I just don't know," Mush said, the saddened tone in his voice ripping at me, but my sobs ceased as I listened, tears still streaming from my eyes.  
  
"Beau Jacob Meyers ya tell me exactly what happened and ya tell me right now," Molly snapped. "When that girl flew past me earlier she looked as though her very heart had been ripped from her chest. Now don't toy with me boyo, start speakin'."  
  
"It was innocent Molly really it was no matter what ya may think when I tell ya this I was a gentleman. For the first time in years I was a gentleman and I didn't press my advantage when I had it," Mush said, his voice stronger now. "Bianca's first night at the Swan we had a fight, and, well we worked some things out. I walked her up to her room and said goodnight, then I stopped by the window to watch the comin's and goin's of the people."  
  
"Ya mean ya opened the window to have a smoke," Molly chuckled wryly. "I'm not as ignorant as ya think."  
  
"Alright I was havin' a smoke and Bianca came back out of her room and she had been havin' trouble unhookin' her dress. The hooks were all tiny and all along her back, there was no way she could get out of it alone. So I offered to help her. I knew ya were asleep and I knew ya wouldn't be very pleasant about helpin' her. After a little bit of arguing she gave in, I unhooked her dress and sent her to bed."  
  
"Are ya sure?" Molly asked skeptically, as she was well acquainted with Mush's past. "That was all?"  
  
"I swear on my ma's grave Molly," Mush insisted.  
  
"Then what's all this hullabaloo?" Molly questioned, "There's more that ya need to be tellin' me, what else happened?"  
  
"Somehow, Spot found out about it and told Bianca I was spreading lies about having done more that night than just helped her with her dress. He even knew the color of the ribbon trim on her corset, and..........well, I didn't deny it, Molly. Not at first."  
  
"Why in heaven's name didn't ya?" Molly asked, "Unless of course ya guilty."  
  
"I ain't guilty," Mush hissed. "I ain't told no one I've done more than kiss Bianca."  
  
"I've known ya since ya were a small child Mush,," Molly said sternly. "I've known ya since Jack brought ya here. Back when my cousin was still Francis Sullivan and ya were Beau. I knew ya even before Cinnamon. Now neither Jack nor you have lied to me, but ya have a way with not telling all the truth. Ya may be able to slide that by with others, but ya can't with me. What did ya say?"  
  
"I told Kid, I told him about helpin' her. I ain't never said anythin' about doin' more than that. I have a feeling Kid put his own spin on things." Mush's voice rang through the silence quiet, but true. I felt what little hope I within me die. He had said something; he had betrayed my trust, the pain radiated from my chest and into my arms making my hands tingle.  
  
"Oh Mush." Molly's voice was both accusing and pitying. "Why?"  
  
"I had to share it with someone Molly, she was so perfect." I could barely hear him say. "I couldn't tell ya, or ya would have scolded me and you're a woman. Ya don't understand."  
  
"Perhaps I can't understand it. I do understand though that Bianca's up there feeling hurt, betrayed, and humiliated," Molly admonished. "Nothing ya say or she says is gonna stop the rumors from flyin'. She's proud, Mush, and ya just hurt her pride. Quite frankly her pride is all she's got left and ya just took that from her. I never pegged ya for bein so stupidly inconsiderate."  
  
"She said she loved me Molly," He said. There was silence and I knew Molly was waiting for him to continue. "She asked if I loved her, I could have made it right again if I had told her I loved her."  
  
"Do ya love her?" Molly asked softly and encouragingly. There was a long pause before he answered.  
  
"I don't know," He said finally. "I've said those words so many times to girls and didn't mean them. They were just words, a key that would give me what I wanted, but with Bianca I couldn't do it. I couldn't say those words to make her happy now and hurt her later. I don't know what love is, I thought I had been in love with Rebecca, but I don't even know about that anymore. I just don't know."  
  
"Go home boyo, get some sleep and come morning things will sort themselves out," Molly said.  
  
"Do ya think I can get her back Molly?" Mush asked, sounding surprisingly hopeful.  
  
"I don't know Mush," Molly said with bluntness tempered with affection. "Trust is a gift and ya know very well how hard it is to trust again once you've burned. Ya can't have a relationship without trust Mush. It seems to be boyo, all the revenge ya've heaped upon girls for Cinnamon's mistake is comin back on ya. If ya ask me ya ain't much better than her."  
  
"It ain't the same thing," Mush growled.  
  
"Isn't it?" Molly snapped, finally loosing all patience. "Cinnamon betrayed ya trust one time and you've betrayed the trust of how many girls? The only difference with this one is for the first time in years she managed to get under ya skin, otherwise, she wouldn't have mattered either. Ya numbers up, ya've gotten ya due, now ya think about ya can repent."  
  
He didn't say anything, but I heard the door slam shut and knew he was gone. I buried my head in my arms and sobbed. I didn't care that my dress was getting hopelessly wrinkled, nor that I was lying on the floor of my room. I gave myself over to the tears, I didn't hear Molly stop at my door, I didn't hear her try the handle, nor did I hear her sigh as she left me to my sorrow. I cried as I had never in my life cried, and when my head pounded from the force of my grief I fell asleep, tears still streaming from my closed lids.

Miserylovescompany: Spot is usually one of my favorite characters too. It's obvious I've used him in nearly all of my stories thus far as a main character. He is by far the most fun to play with. Still I thought it would be a challenge to take everyone's favorite arrogant jerk and turn him into an actual bad guy. Here's the latest sorry it took so long.  
  
Pricilla2: Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now you know what nasty things he said. Not so much nasty things and innuendos. Bad, bad Spot. Poor Mush, he's in a bit of trouble now.  
  
The Good Girl: Thanks, I am happy you liked it. It's really nice to know one's work is appreciated. Mush is pretty hot! I find him pretty sexy. Glad you like him too.  
  
Emotions: Good then I did my job right. I've written so many stories where Spot is either the good guy or helper to one of the good guys, but never as a bad guy. I think from watching the movie he really has this potential. It has been a challenge turning my favorite character into the villain. Fun, but a challenge. You know I don't know what role you will play, but when the muses give me an opening I will add you in. I still have your CC and I hope to add you soon.  
  
Blackwiltedrose: I did notice that change of pen names. Thank you for your sweet compliments. I am really pleased to know that you liked it. Sorry I made you wait so long, but here it is.  
  
Cici: Yes he is a jack ass, I meant him to be that way. Thank you and I hope you continue to read my story.  
  
SmileyCad: Thank you it's nice to be appreciated for my work. The encouragement really helps me with my writing. I did read your review for TTHG and I thank you for your review and thank you again for your compliments.  
  
Ciara Moondagger: Thank you, I'll try.  
  
Alias 19. I hope you like this one as well. Thank you for reviewing.  
  
Mistress Natalia: The muses won't let me divulge any information, they say they will change the story if I attempt to give you any hints. Seriously though, I am very glad you are enjoying this story. I have thought of that path, but I find my writing always has so many choices and changes that take place I never know quite where the story will take me. So we will see what happens. Thanks  
  
Riot. Thank you, your story has been highly entertaining itself. Spot has some redeeming qualities, but still he likes being bad.  
  
Fiffifofum: Thanks. Sorry about the cliff hanger, but I've got to stop somewhere and preferably in a spot that entices you to read more. Thanks, I've already got another chapter ready for editing so hopefully I'll get it up soon.  
  
Dani: Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil other writing for you, but I can't help but be glad I managed it. It's nice to have a tough critic, don't be afraid to give me pointers, I love it when people help me to get better. Thank you!  
  
Kez: Hey doll, I think I posted on the NJL to let you know I had updated. I know I loved that part. Oh, you like my sarcasm, that's awesome, I make comments like that in real life and people just stare at me. I don't think they get I'm being sarcastic. Oh well, such is life. Glad you liked both chapters.  
  
Falco: My favorite lazy bum is back! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I missed you kid.. I was wondering if I lost you after TTHG. My muses especially missed the waffles. (Does the I made you squeal dance of victory) Cool, very cool. Thank you Falco, it really means a lot to have you tell me I have talent, especially since you have no shortage of your own. I'm not done with Cinnamon by the way. She'll be coming up more soon as well as Ruin. Thanks for the reviews chicky! I hope you enjoyed this chapter too. 


	14. Living with Pain

It was not all sorted out in the morning. As a matter of fact I woke up to Molly's gentle prodding still, in my dress and my corset, with a horrible headache from sleeping on the floor.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked grumpily with a hint of sulky. "I thought I locked the door."

"I own this building Bianca, are ya really thinkin' I'd not be keepin' a spare key for each room?" Molly answered with a question of her own. "All it takes is one tenant lockin' themselves in their room without payin' and refusin' to leave before ya make sure ya got a copy for you're self. Not to mention how do ya think the linens get washed or the rooms get cleaned?"

"What do you want?" I mumbled as I slowly stood up, one hand going to my head, the other steadying myself on the footboard o my bed. I hadn't gone anywhere near cleaning anyone else's room and I certainly didn't want to contemplate how they got clean at that moment.

"I heard about what happened last night......." Molly began, her face filled with pity and censure. I turned away, the last thing I needed right now was a lecture and I certainly didn't want her pity. My pride had take enough blows in the past twenty four hours.

"I know," I cut her off shortly. "I heard Mush spilling it all out."

"Well then I'll be getting' right to the point." Molly said, a sharpness creeping into her own tone. I shrugged it off, too miserable to care if I was irritating her. "What were ya thinkin'. What got into that head of yours to let a man help ya undress?"

"What was I thinking? That's all that matters here?" I snapped whirling around to face her my headache forgotten in the sudden potent rage. I was already embarrassed and ashamed of my actions, I didn't need her adding salt to the open wound. "I was thinking it was late, I was afraid to ask you, and he had been a gentleman."

"A gentleman?" Molly snorted. "The fact he even offered to do it should have told ya he's not a gentleman. I love Mush, really I do. I have ever since my cousin Jack brought him over here, but Beau Meyers has never been a gentleman. He's too hot blooded for it and any girl he turns his sights on looses all reason."

"I'm not the first, I probably won't be the last and he ended the relationship before I could ever lose my reason entirely," I told herm looking away and wiping the tears that had escaped despite my efforts to blink them away.

"What do you mean ended the relationship?" Molly asked carefully and almost emotionlessly.

"He couldn't say he loved me," I said simply, attempting to keep the quaver from my voice and not succeeding. "He doesn't care Molly, I'm just another notch on his bed post and I refuse to give him that. I never did more than kiss him, and if you don't believe it, I don't care."

"I believe you," Molly said softly, placing a hand on my arm and turning me toward her. "I'm sorry."

Her arms opened for me and I fell into them needing desperately to be comforted. She sat back on the bed taking me with her, her arms wrapped around me. One rubbed my back soothingly in a motherly manner that was most calming.

"I love him," I sobbed as so many girls do when their first love deserts them. To her credit she didn't tell me it would pass, nor did she tell me that this would probably not be the first time I would feel like this. Instead, she eased my head into her lap and stroked my hair. She was like the mother I had never had.

"Shhh," She whispered. "It will be alright, Bianca darling."

Finally I cried myself out, the pain didn't leave, but the sobs faded to soft hiccups that made my whole body shiver as they passed through me. It was at this point that Molly finally spoke.

"Let me draw ya nice bath," She said gently. "Soak your cares away for a little while and then come down to eat. Life is always better after a bath."

"Life will never be better," I replied with all the drama that such words require. I really sounded quite childish, but even as adults heartbreak is not an easy thing. Eventually though, we learn to handle it more gracefully. "No one has ever made me cry before."

"That's because you've never cared before," Molly told me as she helped me stand and turned me so my back was to her. I felt her hands on the buttons I couldn't hope to do myself. "Welcome to being human, Bianca."

"I think I'd rather not be," I said sulkily. "It causes too many problems."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, you'll find love again." Molly's voice was wry and I immediately stiffened.

"No I won't," I growled feeling as though she couldn't possibly understand. "What do you know of it, you're an old maid."

The minute the word,s were out of my mouth I regretted them. There was still far too much of my former self in to have pulled such a thought back. I felt her hesitate and turned, my hand over my mouth, and my eyes wide.

"Oh Molly, I didn't mean it, really," I rushed to say. "Oh please, please, don't be angry, I wasn't thinking before I spoke. Please I need you."

"That's alright," She said softly though I could hear the pain in her voice. "I understand."

There was nothing I could say to make it better I knew it. Time would have to heal the wound I had left with my thoughtless words, just as it would have to heal my own wounds. She gently helped me undress and sent me up stairs to bathe.

She was right, the tub hadn't entirely lifted my sadness, but it had helped a great deal. Still as I entered the room my bed looked very inviting. I longed to curl up in it, pull the covers over my head, and pretend the world didn't exist. Molly had laid out clean clothing and I sighed knowing no matter how much I wanted to wallow in my broken heart, Molly needed help. I dressed myself as quickly as possible, and made my way down to the kitchen to ask Molly what she wanted me to do.

"There, you are feeling any better?" Molly asked in a cheerful tone, setting a bowl on the table in front of me.

"Somewhat." I replied, ignoring the food, my stomach was twisting itself into knots still and I wasn't hungry. "What do you need done today Molly, I'd like to get to work."

Molly looked at me for a moment in surprise before a look of pride came to her face and made me feel a little better despite of everything.

"The bathroom upstairs could use a scrubbin' and the stairs and the hallway floor needs cleanin'," Molly told me "Good for you Bianca, ya should eat somethin' though."

"I'm not hungry," I replied and turned away and gathered up the things I would need to tackle the bathroom I had just made use of. I buried myself in the work, and attempted to keep my mind blank. Finally done, I found myself with still a few hours before I would need to leave for the Swan. Deciding I didn't want to be idle, I went in search of Molly. I found her in her little office just off of the kitchen, which had at one point been a cupboard. She looked as if she was struggling with something

"What are you doing?" I asked curiously, moving into what space was left in the room and glancing over her shoulder. The books for the running of the boarding house were spread in front of her. "The total is two hundred sixty three."

"What did you say?" She asked in surprise as she glanced down at the row of numbers she was totaling.

"The answer is two hundred sixty three." I repeated, she looked at me with a hopeful gleam and I shrugged. "My father insisted I have the best tutors. He wanted me to be able to make sure my husband didn't run his company into the ground. Unfortunately my mother's expensive tastes did that for him. I am glad now that she died with him, she would have never survived without money. On the other hand she probably would have tied me up and left me for a present for Cousin Adian."

"She wouldn't have," Molly said dismissively.

"No, she might very well have. There were two loves in my mother's life, money, and what entertained her and my father. In that order, there was no room for anything else and I may have been entertaining enough to keep with her, however, if it was between me and money the money would have won," I said with a bitter tone in my voice, it was difficult to see my parents as they were and not as I wanted them. "Although I do think I would have been married to Cousin Adian, she would have at least insisted on that."

"That's horrible!" Molly exclaimed in disgust.

"That's the upper class. The longer I am here the more I realize that the only thing I had in the upper class was money. While money has it's rewards it also has heavy burdens," I replied, mulling things over as I spoke. I glanced up at Molly to see her watching me and shrugged. "I can do the books for you if you like."

"Please." Molly said happily almost clapping her hands with delight "Then perhaps I could get dinner done and still have a few minutes to myself tonight."

We did an odd little dance trying to switch places and Molly practically waltzed out of the room. Moments later I could hear pots banging as she started dinner and she began happily singing one of the crooning songs in what I could only assume was Irish Gaelic. The song soothed me and the numbers took my mind away from my current troubles as only such mental gymnastics could.

"Bianca." Molly's voice called me back to myself as I finished a row of numbers and I found I was hunched over the desk in a manner that was making my lower backache. "You'll need to get ready for work at the Swan. "

"Oh," I said leaning back and stretching. I found I was almost finished with the chore before me. It seemed as though Molly hadn't balanced the books in months. "Thank you."

My mind was blessedly numb as I made my way up the stairs, Molly just behind me. I wondered what she wanted until I opened the door to my room. While I had been industriously and meticulously working the books, an elf had stolen into my room and installed a wooden rack on the wall next to my bureau. My dresses, which I had only now realized I had left outside, were neatly pressed and hung on the rack. Next to the rack a trunk sat open with the petticoats I needed for my dresses had been folded and placed inside.

"Oh Molly!" I cried wondering how she had managed to do all this in the short amount of time she had. For the first time in almost a day I had felt a momentary lift in the ache in my heart. "How did you do this?"

"I got a good deal on the case this morning at the market, as for the rack and the shelf, Tim got home early from the woodworking shop he is employed with. I asked him to help me. There was some wood piled at the back of the house that was too nice to burn." She paused for a breath, her eyes shining with the satisfaction that comes with giving a gift that is appreciated. "It's been there for a year and I haven't found a suitable use for it yet. The trunk was upstairs in the attic on the other side of the room from the tub."

"Thank you, really," I said a little tearfully, my already haywire emotions triggered.

"I'll help ya get dressed," she offered, moving past and taking the rust colored dress I had yet to wear from the rack. Quickly I changed out of the clothing I was currently wearing and she helped me tie the petticoats to my waist. Once everything that was required under the dress was in place, she helped me smooth the dress and began the tedious process of buttoning the back of it. I admired the way the taffeta seemed to change from gold to rust and back again. Once Molly was finished I reached for my brush only to be stopped by Molly.

"Sit Bianca, I'll dress your hair. You're hopeless with it," she said, taking the brush from me and gesturing to the floor. With a reluctant nod of agreement, I sat on the floor in a puddle of bicolored skirts. With surprising surety she twisted it elegantly into a smooth figure eight, a few curls left free to fall gracefully around my face and along the back of my neck.

"I used to be a ladies maid," she told me as she finished securing the gilt painted hairpins that shone richly against my red-god hair.

"What made you start working here?" I asked, admiring the effect in my looking glass.

"Me ma got sick and needed help here at home," she said sadly. "Ya know I really wanted to get out of here, but that never happened."

"You could make it happen," I encouraged her as I took my harp and placed it within its new case.

"Not anymore, I'm stuck here, once you've lived in a place for a while ya grow roots and it's mighty difficult to leave them." Molly shrugged. "Ya look stunning' Bianca darlin'."

"Thank you," was all I could say. I turned ready to go, my harp in my arms and my coat around my shoulders.

"Ya better be careful walkin' home tonight Biana," Molly cautioned. "Since ya ain't gettin' on with Mush I'm doubtin' he'll be there tonight."

"Yeah," I said softly blinking away tears again. "I can take care of myself."

Molly said nothing, but I saw the skeptism on her face. She opened the door and gestured for me to go first.

"Wake me when ya get home," Molly called as I headed for the back door. "I'll help ya out of that dress."

"I'll do that," I replied, trying not to think about a previous person. No one said anything at the Swan though I saw a few curious looks. Rush looked about ready to burst, but seeing the look on my face stopped short. Lilly patted my arm as I went past in comfort and I gave her a wan smile. I seated myself in my corner and tuned my harp, before too long I was lost in my music, once more given a reprieve from thoughts.

When I took my break and glanced around I was surprised at my disappointment that Mush was nowhere to be seen. I shook my head and tried to tell myself I didn't care, but I did. For the first time since Mush had stepped into my life I felt alone. My guardian angel was gone.

My heart ached and I blinked back tears as I threaded my way through the tables nearest the stair. I craved the darkness at the Swan, the anonymity it brought. Part of my still balked at the idea of working here, even more so since Mush's defection. I knew that the knowledge of me working here would only cement the lies that had been told.

"Don't worry about what they think." Glancing up I saw Ivy standing in the hallway between the dining room and the kitchen. I stared at her dumbly; the only words I had heard from Ivy had been the whole sentence she had spoke to Rush the night of my fittings. She offered me the first expression I had ever seen on her face, a soft reassuring smile. "I've heard them talking about what happened last night. We couldn't ignore it, after all your voice was loud enough to be heard down the street."

I ducked my head and blushed, suddenly ashamed for a new reason. I had single handedly let the whole neighborhood know exactly what had happened.

"Keep your head up young Bianca," Ivy told me. "No matter what happens don't let them know they hurt you. You'll just give them more fuel. There's nothing but wolves here, and the moment the pack scents blood they will take you down. That goes for any predator. And keep an eye out for Lilly, she's got her eye on you."

With those words she melted into the shadows and the back staircase that led to the ladies rooms. I looked at the spot she where she had stood for a few moments still in shock. What had she meant about Lilly, I didn't understand, why should I be wary of the woman who had been so kind to me? Shaking my head against the cryptic remark I entered the kitchen and found that the bustling kitchen was the last thing I needed. As quietly as I could I made my way out the door and sat on the steps that led into the back yard.

The moonlight was weakened the darkness this night. The world was not filled with a silvery tinge, which seemed apropos really. The light seemed a mockery of all I had shared with Mush. A reminder that made my heart ache, I prayed for the feelings within me to die and leave me in peace. I longed for the painlessness of unfeeling. I almost missed my old life, for the ability to not care, to be entirely oblivious to anything other than my selfish wants. A tear streaked its way down my cheek as I looked out over the grass.

I pulled back on the emotions and forced myself to control it. I still had another few hours to play. Standing I made my way back inside and to my spot before the fire. The time I had remaining seemed like an eternity, the minutes stretched seemed to go as slowly as hours and I longed to be in my room. When the time finally came I gathered my things as quickly as possible. Rush looked as though she would stop me for a moment, but one look from me and she changed her mind. Finally outside once more I took a deep breath and shook of the odd feeling of repression that had come over me. I had felt like a caged bird waiting for the bidding of the person that held the key.

I took my skirt in my hands and made my way down the stairs and into the yard thankful to be on my way. I got half way through the yard and something made me turn back. In the window with the light shining from behind was Ivy. The light seemed to be devoured by her dark hair, the only distinguishing thing I could see. Her hand lay against the window looking like the bird I had felt like. A man stepped behind her, his hand sliding around her waist and she turned. His head bent to her neck, but her face remained toward me and I knew she was looking out the window. I turned back toward the boarding house suddenly thankful that I did not live at the Swan. I had the sudden feeling that Lilly's "flowers" were not as free as they seemed.

Queen Kez: Thank you for the review. After sending me the last chapter I didn't expect one. It was an awesome compliment. It's nice to know the subtleties of my stories don't escape people. I really try to get into each character rather than leaving them as storyless entities. Everyone has a story right? Thank you again, and thanks for editing this chapter!

The Good Girl: I've actually had this chapter for two weeks; unfortunately I couldn't get it edited. Thanks to Kez this chapter is posted and the last are posted. I'm trying to update weekly if at all possible. I'm part of a re-enactment group that takes a large portion of my time during the Summer, but that's starting to wind down and hopefully I'll have more time to write now. Ooooh strawberries? For me? Whoo HOO!

Falco: Don't hurt yourself honey. I'd hate to see my writing hurt one of my favorite fans. I don't see you dying in the near future, but you know they aren't going to get back together quickly. Still eventually it's inevitable. My muses thank you for the waffles. They need it.

Mistress Natasha: Thank you! I am very happy to hear it was worth the wait! I'm sorry it took so long, but now that the activities of summer are over, I'll have more time to write. Thanks again!

Pricilla 2: Thank you, I'm sorry I made you sad, but I promise it will get better eventually. Still there's only so much I can do in one chapter.

Smiley Cad: I know it was sad. I think that has been the consensus from everyone. Yes boys are stupid. Something is sure to happen, but where and when the muses won't let me tell any secrets. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	15. Spot

Weeks flew by and now they all seem a dream, a fuzzy edged moment that doesn't matter much now. I remember the constant hurt that filled my heart. I remember the tears that soaked my pillow each night as I learned to act normal during the day. Eventually I woke in the mornings without the constant ache. Though, a sudden reminder of Mush could cause a flash of pain and a bought of lingering melancholy that I would have to fight my way out of again.

Everyone assumed it was just a passing thing. I was a young girl, and often, men hurt young girls. Still it was not a passing thing, and I had learned so quickly to open up, to feel, and I was having difficulty pulling back on the emotions. It was as if I had been flooded by them and no about of bailing was helping.

It was after a few weeks that Molly decided that enough was enough. She called in reinforcements and went about trying to mend my broken heart. In her eyes what I needed was a new beau, a new interest that is, not a new Mush. His mother named him aptly, that is a certainty.

I was still trying to lose my pain in work, and I had spent the morning cleaning the attic. My shoulders ached from the scrubbing I had done, but the room was spotless, the tub gleamed and the various odds and ends that always end up in an attic were arranged. I was carrying the heavy bucket of dingy, soapy water when I heard the sounds of female voices. I paid no attention as I carried the bucket out to the front steps and tossed the contents into the street.

The sun slanted across the streets telling me it was time to get ready to go to the Swan. Dusk would be coming soon and the moment it was dark I had to be playing. I massaged my hands trying to warm them up for the coming night, and was surprised to find the calluses on my fingertips. Glancing down I found my hands were no longer like satin; I smiled ruefully at my surprise. It wasn't as if I had a maid to rub cream into them each day to make them like silk. Looking closer I noticed they were slightly red and no longer creamy. My arms held a hint of gold and were no longer a cream. I was beginning to lose the look of a woman who has spent all of her life indoors and at leisure.

I was a bit distressed at the idea, but at the same time a bit proud. It was a confusing feeling, shaking my head I picked up my bucket and made my way back inside. Glancing down the hallway I could see Molly leaning against the table deep in conversation with a small group of other women. I was curious and as I had to put my bucket away in the kitchen I made my way into the room.

J.P. and a couple of the girls I had met the night I met Spot, along with two I didn't recognize. I watched them for a moment as they hadn't yet noticed I was in the room. I observed them warily. If there was one thing I was starting to learn in this place, it was to be careful of whom you trust.

"We'll make sure she has a good time." One was saying, her hands moving gracefully and fluidly accenting her words. Absently she flicked the black silky hair that had fallen over her shoulder out of the way. It was so black it was blue and was striking against her fair skin. She had the brogue that was prevalent in Molly's voice telling me she was also Irish.

"Don't worry." J.P. assured Molly. "It seems Ruin has graced us with her presence tonight and she can play knight in shining armor."

I saw the room collectively gasp, J.P.'s tone had told everyone that the last part was said in jest, but there was no telling how Ruin would take it. Everyone watched tensely, except J.P, who watched Ruin calmly. The only other person not edgy was a girl that was best describes as thin, from her angular frame to her black hair. Her green eyes danced, contrasting with her olive skin, showing her desire for a fight. Glancing her over I had a feeling she and Ruin were on of a kind.

Ruin was leaning against the scarred table, a knife in her hand that Molly had been using to cut vegetables. She played with the knife, irritation plain on her face.

"I ain't gonna play nursemaid to some stupid girl that got her heartbroken by Mush." She said, finally breaking the nervous silence. She looked up the table at J.P. and I saw the same glimmer of respect in her eyes that I had seen when she looked at Mush. "She shoulda known better. Besides Jacky and Mush are hostin' a poker night. I ain't gonna miss that followin' ya around."

With a flick of her wrist the knife was buried deep into the tabletop and she sauntered away. I shrank back as she neared me, but she only gave me an appraising look before slipping past me. The thin girl followed grinning maliciously as she neared me.

"Don't loose your skirt." She sneered, but I could only glare at her. She didn't frighten me as much as Ruin did, she was so thin it looked as though one good push would bowl her over.

"Streak." J.P. admonished. "Leave her alone, come in Bianca, join us."

I looked at the group and back toward the staircase regretting my curiosity immensely. Molly seemed to read my mind as she moved forward with a swiftness I didn't know she had, and pulled me into the room.

"She's got it bad." The last girl I didn't know said. Her deep brown hair spilled down her back and her hazel eyes looked me over frankly.

"Emotions!" the other girl admonished as she elbowed her. "Hush."

"What's going on?" I asked hesitantly, knowing already what they wanted from me and I can't say I was too responsive to the idea.

"Well now, since Molly can't leave the boarding house we are taking you out." J.P. told me smiling warmly. "Meet your company for the night, Nymph just introduced Emotions and you already know Senorita."

"I'm not going anywhere." I replied stubbornly crossing my arms and planting my feet. "The last thing I need or want is to go out."

"Actually it's exactly what you need." J.P. countered. "As for what you want. Well, by now I would have expected you've learned that you don't always get what you want."

"Perhaps." I said intentionally snobbishly. "But quite frankly I have no interest in going."

"Well, quite frankly, I don't give a damn." J.P. said in the same tone. "You've been sulking in this house since you fought with Mush. Don't you think he knows that? Do you really want him to win? By acting as you have you've let him know he hurt you. He's been bragging all over the Lodging House that he had you wrapped around his little finger. He threw over Bianca the Ice Princess."

"I don't care." I snapped. "That doesn't exactly make me want to rush right out so all those that he's been bragging too can stare at me. The last thing I want is to be surrounded by people that are all going to say 'look there goes Mush Meyer's latest acquisition'."

"Well I doubt they'll say that." J.P. said wryly. "They don't have the vocabulary for it. Besides, with the poker night they're hosting tonight, everyone for the most part will be at the Lodging House."

"And what about Lilly?" I asked changing tactics. "I'm supposed to be ready to play shortly, I can't let her down."

"I've already talked with Lilly." Molly told me ready for this argument. "Both of us believe it would be best for ya if you took a night off. You've been workin' yaself to death. I know ya ain't been sleepin' and ya ain't been eatin'. It's time ya lived past all of this."

"Well I don't see that I have much choice." I conceded, figuring the sooner I agreed the sooner we could leave and the sooner I could be home.

"No, I can't say that you did." J.P. admitted as she took my arm and propelled me toward the stairs. "We'll be ready in fifteen minutes."

"Mush has been braggin'?" I heard Emotions ask as Molly followed behind. "I thought he'd been sulkin' too."

"I don't know if ya'd call what he's been doin' sulkin'." Senorita replied. "Drinkin', fightin', and wenchin' ain't sulkin', it's tryin' to forget."

"Girls!" J.P. called down the stairs effectively cutting off any more discussion. I closed my eyes for a moment trying to ignore the stab of pain in my chest. I wasn't sure what hurt worse, the idea that he was trying to forget me, or the fact that he had taken up with other women. For a moment I had felt special to him and now I doubted he had ever cared. It's easier to forget the look in his eyes when he smiled at me, or the way he had kissed me, when I believed it hadn't mattered. To believe it did matter, only left hope that we could be together. I knew now that we couldn't.

It didn't take much longer for J.P. and Molly to get me ready. I said nothing as I followed J.P. down the stairs unwillingly. I knew I didn't have a choice, but I didn't have to follow along gracefully. The other girls closed in around me as if to make sure I didn't bolt. I followed doily enough until I realized where we were going. I could see the Medda's face from the billboard before we ever reached Irving Hall.

"Oh, no." I said taking a few steps back. "I am not going in there."

"And why not?" J.P. questioned looking at me through narrowed eyes that told me I'd better have a good reason.

"You were there the last time." I replied. "You know full well it didn't go very well."

"It's silly to be worried about going in just because the last time Mush and Spot got testosterone poisoning." J.P. said briskly. "You didn't even get to see the show before they started in. Come on. Its Newsie night and the boys are all detained with booze and cards promised at the Lodging House."

I glanced around and knew that for the second time that night I was helpless. I didn't have a choice. I grumbled as we entered and walked up the same stairs that we had before. The lobby was littered with boys, but it wasn't as full as it had been before. I relaxed minutely. I half-heartedly listened as Emotions and Senorita talked. Each boy was looked over, judged, and rated as we went. I had to admit though; Senorita seemed to know something about each one and had an entertaining story to tell. I caught myself laughing at one hapless fellow with a faded pink shirt and a gloomy expression. I recognized him as one of the boys I had met the last time, but he appeared alone.

J.P. led us in the opposite direction than we had taken the first time and around to the other side. The balcony seats she chose were not as nice as the ones we had sat in previously, but it suited me just fine.

I sat primly, my hands in my lap as Senorita sat just behind me and Emotions stood in the doorway talking to another boy. J.P. leaned far over the edge of the balcony looking for someone. She was making me nervous and I looked at the stage to ease it.

"Aren't the balcony seats reserved for the upper classes?" I asked curiously, trying to keep my mind off of J.P. and the urge to pull her away from the edge.

"It's Newsie night." J.P. said absently still intent on searching out whoever she was looking for. "Medda's had a soft spot for us ever since the strike. We have Jack to thank for that actually, she's his aunt."

"What?" Emotions and Senorita chorused, only Nymph didn't seem surprised.

"She's Molly's mom." J.P. replied glancing back for a moment. "They don't speak, they had a falling out over Jack when his mother died and his father went to jail. He didn't want to choose between them so he moved into the lodging house."

"That's not the only reason Medda makes it Newsie night." Nymph said wryly, in her quiet voice. "It must make her feel young to have all the boys hooting and hollering after her. More than one's sweet on her."

"Medda's nothing if not vain." J.P. agreed. "Damn it." She muttered as she flopped into the seat to my left.

"What?" I asked mildly curious and very grateful she was no longer leaning far enough over the balcony rail to fall.

"She doesn't see Jack." Nymph responded with a teasing twinkle in her eyes as she sat to my right.

"I happen to have very important business to talk to with my fellow leader." J.P. sniffed, causing the girls to burst into laughter.

"Sure ya do." Emotions teased. J.P. ignored them, but the pink creeping into her cheeks let me know they had hit closer to home than she wanted them to know. J.P. was interested in Jack and that was interesting news. The lights darkened however before I could say anything and the other girls quieted as the show began. Just as Nymph had said the boys started whistling and hooting, the moment a woman with striking red hair, sashayed out on the stage. I winced at the baby pink she wore, which clashed horribly with her hair. I sighed knowing it was my inner snob coming out again. Deciding to look past Medda's fashion illiteracy I settled in to watch the show.

I had become so involved that I didn't notice the boy who entered our box, though the girls around me stirred the moment the curtain had been moved. They watched silently, tensely waiting to see if they needed to protect themselves and send up the call for more help or not. He seemed harmless enough, but from experience they knew that it would be dangerous to underestimate anyone. It could mean the difference between life and death.

I jumped as I suddenly realized there was a boy kneeling in front of me so as not to disturb the view for the other girls. It seemed as though he had magically appeared in front of me. I glanced at J.P. to find her watching the boy stiffly; her eyes were narrowed slightly in concentration at the boy's every move.

"What do ya want Shade?" she asked, I glanced at Nymph at her indrawn breath, Emotions and Senorita looked curious.

"I got a message for Miss Bianca." He said softly holding a single white rose out to me. Hesitantly I took it, attached I found a note. J.P. made a noise of derision and I looked at her curiously.

"Open it." She said. "But I bet you ten to one it's from the leader of the Brooklyn newsies."

"What makes you think that?" I asked as I unfolded it and held it so the meager light from the stage would allow me to read it.

'There she weaves by night and day

A magic web with colours gay.

She has heard a whisper say,

A curse is on her if she stay

To look down to Camelot.

She knows not what the curse may be,

And so she weaveth steadily,

And little other care hath she,

The Lady of Shalott.'

It was all that was there. I reread it and then looked at the back, there was nothing else on the page. I vaguely remembered a tutor forcing me to read the poem, if I remembered correctly it was by Tennyson, a flowery saga about the Lady Elaine. I remembered it only because it had something to do with the Arthurian legends. Pondering on it I vaguely remembered that Elaine was either the lover or wife of Lancelot, which was spurned once he met Guienever. She pinned away and died for lack of his love and in the poem floated down the river to Camelot, where Lancelot only said rather dismissively how beautiful she was.

"Your admirer asks that ya meet with him." Shade said breaking me out of my thoughts. I blinked for a moment before registering what he said, as J.P. immediately rejected the idea.

"Absolutely not." J.P told him after taking the note from me and reading it for herself. "Spot Conlon, wouldn't know Tennyson if it bit him in the rear. He's up to something."

"He just wants to speak with her." Shade argued. "Don't make me go back to him without her."

"He ain't gonna hurt ya Shade, don't pull that on me." J.P. growled. "We both know you're too valuable for him to hurt ya."

"No one is exempt from Spot's wrath, no matter the importance. He can find another birdy anyday." Shade countered. "He told me to come back with the girl, and if I don't there's gonna be hell to pay."

"Why don't you let me make my own decisions." I said irritably. "I'm not a child J.P. I can fend somewhat for myself, and I won't put anyone at risk. I'll meet with him."

"Your just doing this because I said you couldn't." J.P. muttered. "If you're going then Nymph and I are coming with."

"Fine." I said standing and brushing imaginary dust from my skirts. I stepped past Nymph who stood and followed behind me, J.P. moving immediately to follow Nymph.

"I want both of you girls to stay here, we won't be long." J.P. told the other two. Emotions looked like she was going to protest, but Senorita elbowed her and she snapped her mouth shut.

Shade held the curtain open for me and I stepped through it into the dimly lit hallway. We moved silently around to the other side and stopped at the box we had visited previously. Two bodyguards again stood on either side, one held open the curtain for me to step through and I did so nervously. I wasn't sure what I would do the moment I saw Spot Conlon. He was the cause of my sorrow and my pain. I knew that it was irrational to blame it on him, in reality it was Mush's fault, but it was how I felt.

He sat looking over the balcony at the show with the air of a king; one arm was draped casually over the chair next to him.

"Come in." he said without bothering to turn around and I bristled at the insult of not being significant enough to look at.

"I am in." I snapped as the curtain slipped shut behind me and I heard J.P. arguing with one of the guards. It seemed I would have to face this demon alone. "If you have anything you wish to communicate, you may turn around and do so. I am not one of your minions to be treated with such disrespect. I will not be ordered around."

"Forgive me my lady." He said with a trace of sarcasm as he turned to look at me. "Come, have a seat."

"I prefer to stand thank you." I replied raising my chin and looking at him defiantly. I wasn't about to give him an inch. I knew he'd take it as far as he could go. As long as I rebelled the ball was in my court.

"Whatever." He sighed. "Look, I didn't invite ya here to fight with ya. I wanted to talk, ya know, civilized like."

"And what was it you wanted to say?" I asked curiously as I held up the note. "I doubt you've had much opportunity to pore over the finer points of the literary world, so what may I ask is this?"

"One of me boys had it lyin' around." He shrugged. "I thought it fit the point I was tryin' to make. I ain't so illiterate that I don't know the poem's about Lancelot and Elaine. The way I see it, Lancelot got himself all caught up with a worthless bitch that was bored with her husband and not too bright. He left the woman that loved him and died for a woman that couldn't have loved anyone exceptin' herself."

My jaw dropped, I wasn't prepared for Spot to understand the poem. He hadn't seemed like the type that would know much about such things. I had not only underestimated Mush's education but it seemed I had made the same mistake with Spot.

"And your point is?" I questioned, my voice sharpening with embarrassment and frustration along with a touch of impatience. This dancing around things was beginning to take the reigns from my hands and I knew it.

"The point is ya doin' the same thing with Mush." Spot replied smoothly. "Ya all caught up with him and he's all caught up with Cinnamon. Ya pinin' over him."

"I'm not pining." I snapped "You wouldn't begin to understand."

"Wouldn't I?" he returned stepping toward me. I wanted to step back, his predatory gait made me nervous, but Ivy's warning snapped into my brain and I stood my ground. "Ya got dark circles under ya eyes Bianca and ya looking thin. Ya haven't been eatin' or sleepin'. I've seen ya walkin' circles 'round ya room, and I've seen the lights on in others, that I'm bettin' ya cleanin'."

He took my hand in one of his and turned the palm so it was up. Gently he ran a finger down the center of it making me shiver despite myself.

"Yup." He said softly as his eyes slowly raised to mine. "Ya hands have been workin' hard; much harder than ever before."

"I don't understand your meaning; could you please keep things plain and stop circling around what it is you want?" I retorted as I snatched my hand back.

He smirked as he took the cigarette from behind his ear and lit it. He studied me for a moment and I had a feeling he was judging what the best course of action from here might be. He took a drag from the cigarette and blew it out the side of his mouth as he left it hanging from the corner of the other side. I felt tears spring up as I remembered another man that had stood in the dark with a cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Would you hurry up, I happened to actually be interested in the show this time." I growled my patience finally snapping.

He said nothing; instead he took my hand in his surprisingly warm one and pulled me from the box. The curtains brushed my face with the softness of a kiss as we passed through them. J.P. stopped arguing and looked at me silently as we passed. Spot was too quick for her to ask questions and by the time she had shifted from haranguing Spot's lackey to us we were already almost out of sight. I could hear her move swiftly to follow as we continued around to another balcony seat. Spot pushed me through unceremoniously and I would have tripped had I not caught myself on a seat.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked whirling to Spot who now leaned casually against the doorframe, a tendril of blonde hair falling across his incredibly icy eyes. His cigarette was held between the first two fingers of his right hand and his arms were crossed over his chest. He didn't respond, instead he watched something just over my shoulder intently.

"What are ya doin' here Spot?" I glanced at where the voice came from to see Kid Blink moving toward Spot, who watched him come with a hooded look. I felt a sinking feeling the moment I saw him and hesitantly I looked back in the direction Spot had been staring at.

The light from the stage outlined a couple, the man nuzzled the girl's neck and she made a soft moan in response. Unable to help myself I moved closer my eyes squinting in the dim light. The man's curls peaked from the soft hair of the woman's, the light from the stage brightened, heralding another performance by Medda. I distantly heard her begin a cooing number as I caught the cinnabar color of the woman's hair.

I knew the hair, I knew the well-muscled arm that was wrapped around her waist and the knowledge made the remaining pieces of my heart crumble.

"Mush." I whispered. It was neither question nor statement but rather a curse. He started and the woman in his lap swung her head to look at me with a mixture of triumph and contempt.

"Bianca." He said softly staring at me for a moment. He seemed to forget Cinnamon as he stood dumping her to the ground.

"Mush." She hissed, but he ignored her.

"Bianca." He smiled at me with a goofiness I had never seen before. I looked at him as though he were a foreign object. He moved closer with a stumbling stride I couldn't understand. Mush was always so graceful in his movements. He stopped just inches from where I was frozen, his hands cupping my chin and he lifted my face. I wanted to turn my face but I couldn't. His lips touched mine with infinite gentleness and mine burned as he pulled back. "Love you."

His words were slurred and his breath stank of stale alcohol and cigarettes. I wrinkled my nose and pulled away. He had finally spoken the words that could have saved us, but as I glanced down at Cinnamon who was rising from the floor stiffly I knew Spot was right. I loved a man that was in love with someone else and always would be. I couldn't even cry as I wheeled around feeling bleak and full of pain. Spot stepped forward and wrapped a supporting arm around my waist before I broke down.

"Bianca." Mush cried lunging toward me, but Spot swung me out of reach. "Get out of my way ya bastard. Bianca."

"Leave her alone Mush if ya know what's good for ya." Spot replied shielding me with his body. "I told ya the same thing with Cinnamon, and I'm warnin' ya now. Ya don't want the humiliation of the last time."

Blink and Race stepped up to either side of Mush, their arms slipping through his to restrain him. He bucked wildly as Spot turned back to me, but my eyes were locked with Mush's.

"Let me go damn you." Mush cried. "He'll just hurt her, I ain't gonna let him hurt her. Bianca! I love her damn you, let me go. I love her."

Spot led me from the room, Mush's cries echoing in my ears. The music had stopped as the entertainment was now in the balcony. J.P. said nothing as Spot brushed through her and Nymph.

"Let's get ya home." He said gently as he led me away. I couldn't fight, I couldn't feel and I sure as hell couldn't function. All I could do was allow him to move me swiftly away from Mush and a pain that I hadn't even begun to feel.

The Good Girl: Sorry it took so long to update, you wouldn't believe how hard it is to get someone to edit this. Anyway, it's finally edited and posted. Yum! Strawberries. Thanks for the review.

Lucky: I'd thought I lost you it's nice to know that I haven't. Thanks for the review and I missed you!

J.P.: Hey if you need any help breaking that writer's block I'd be happy to help. I miss your writings!

Smiley Cad: I try for quick updates, but somehow it doesn't always work. With fall setting in I'll have more time now though. As for Biacna, we'll see what happens.

Falco: I guess I kept you waiting a while didn't I, only to leave you with another cliff hanger. Bad Rhys, bad! Anyway, I've had the last three chapters updated and ready to go except for an edit for forever. I finally nagged my way into someone. Thanks for the review!

RiotAct: Thank you, I'm glad I managed imagery strong enough for you to comment on it. It's nice to know I've done my job! Thanks again!

Pricilla2: She's trying anyway, if you figure her past though she's come a long ways. I'm glad you enjoyed this and I hope you continue to do so!

Dreamer: I missed you! Beau seemed to fit him, especially in the character he is. No, Lilly is not as nice as she seems, but we'll see more of that later. I guess I threw more heartbreak for you to get over in this chapter huh. Sorry, but we all know my characters never have an easy time of it. Thank you, you have talent to, now if you'd just update Hidden Past!

Frenchygoil: The important part is that you did review. Thank you! There are always troubles ahead, especially for my characters. Thanks for the review!!


	16. The Crossroads

As we neared the boarding house, Spot dismissed the girls. They did as he ordered, except J.P., who walked up the stairs and inside to find Molly. Tears streamed down my face again and I felt fury at the boy that caused them.

"Shhhh." Spot whispered, stroking my hair, as his other arm held me firmly. Vulnerably, I rested my head on his chest and sobbed. "Ya not alone this time Bianca. I ain't gonna let him hurt ya again."

"Bianca?" I heard Molly's frightened and concerned tone. "Spot what are ya doin here?"

"Just cleanin' up another of Mush's messes." Spot replied, with a touch of anger, before lifting my chin and forcing me to look at him. "Don't let it matter Bianca."

I looked at him through watery eyes, as he leaned down and softly kissed the tears from my cheeks. He stepped back, brushed away the tears that still fell with a gentle caress, and turned and faded into the shadows. I shivered, within that kiss had been a promise; a promise that he would get what he wanted, and Spot Conlon was not a man to be denied.

"Let's get you in the house." Molly said, softly putting an arm around me. I saw her glance back, as she helped me up the stairs and into the house. Her eyes narrowed in speculation as she did. It had been a long night and my heart was sore with the abuse that had been heaped upon.

J.P. followed us in and I heard her begin to tell Molly the story, as I made my way up the stairs. At that moment I felt numb, tears filled my eyes again, as I shut my door to make J.P.'s words fade. I didn't want to hear it; I didn't want to relive it, but as I closed my eyes,I could smell the dankness of the old building. The smell of dust, saw dust, and grease pain,t all overlaid by a scent of cigarette smoke. I could see Cinnamon's hair intertwined with Mush's. I could hear her throaty laughter.

How dare he treat me this way, how dare he a lowly street rat, dare treat me in such a manor? I felt a momentary flash of guilt, at the thoughts I stamped down on. The next time I saw Mush Meyers, I would tell him exactly what I thought of him.

He was a lowly rat that wasn't fit to kiss my shoes. A knock came at the door distracting me, Molly entered the room, without waiting for me to ask her in.

"Are you alright Bianca darling?" she asked, looking more worried than she had in days.

"I'm fine Molly." I told her, steadily drying my eyes. "I'm not about to let him win this time."

She gave me a half-hearted smile, but she still looked troubled. I could tell there was something she wanted to say, but wasn't sure if she should.

"What is it Molly?" I finally asked, as I brushed my hair and started to get ready for bed.

"It's just.........." She trailed off, as she looked for the right words. "That ain't like Mush Bianca. He's a ladies man sure, but he did care about ya. He ain't the kind of guy to forgive and forget. He wouldn't give Cinnamon the time of day and that's what's troublin' me. He ain't the type to do somethin' to deliberately hurt someone. Now Spot Conlon is, whatever happens, don't trust Spot."

"I won't." I promised "I'm not about to trust any man at this point."

Molly's words tugged at me and made me toss and turn that night. When I woke the next morning it was still on my mind. I went about my day as usual, but I spent most of it turning things over in my head trying to get Molly's words out of my head. It was so much easier to hate Mush, and as long as I could view him as the selfish cad.

Unfortunately, I knew while Mush was a cad, he was not generally selfish. Still, I couldn't reconcile Mush's actions of late, with the man I knew. The best course of action, it seemed, was to stay away from him and if it came down to it, push him away.

The sun was shining, as I carried the laundry out to be hung on the line. There was still a feeling of sadness that filled my heart, but Mush had invoked my anger. I clung to that anger now, to keep myself from falling over that edge again. I hummed to myself, as I began to hang the sheets for drying. A light breeze played with the wet fabric, causing it to occasionally stick to my skirt.

The day was light and playful, and for a moment, I allowed myself to forget my worries. I blanked my mind and enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my back, while the breeze played with my skirts. When a hand touched my shoulder, I squealed in surprise and whirled around, my hand to my heart. Mush stood there, his face haggard and sorrow in his eyes.

"What do you want?" I snapped, both relieved and frightened by his appearance.

"To say I'm sorry." He said softly, as he raised his hands to take my shoulders and pull me closer. I dodged out of the way."

"And do you just expect me to forgive you like that?" I asked coldly. He looked at the ground and scuffed his toe in the dirt. He looked so unsure of himself and it was so unlike Mush.

"I understand what it's like to love someone and have them hurt ya." Mush told me, could tell it was hard for him to say. "I know what ya feelin' and I'm sorry for it."

"You know what I'm feeling now?" I hissed. "Do you know what your feeling? Last night you said you loved me. I could hear you fighting to get free to save me. You know until this moment I still held onto the hope, that somewhere deep down inside you did love me, but you can't. You don't know the meaning of the emotion."

"I know the meaning real well." Mush snapped back, my own temper igniting his. "I don't know what I'm feelin' for ya, I just know I ain't gonna let Spot Conlon get his dirty crumb snatchers on ya."

"I don't know that you have much choice in the matter. You lost your chance at me. If Spot Conlon can treat me better than you, then you can't do anything." I said dismissively as I turned back to the laundry. I heard Mush's growl, but I didn't have time to react, as he grabbed my arms and spun me back around

"I've spent my whole life fightin' for what I've wanted, I've bled for it, and if ya think I'm just gonna let ya walk away, then ya wrong. " He said, anger in his eyes along with something else. Something I refused to acknowledge, though, if I had been honest with myself I would have admitted it was pain. "I'd rather kill ya than let Spot toy with ya."

"What do you want?" I repeated my earlier statement; his face was so close to mine our breaths mingled.

"I want you." He said, his voice starting angry and fading to a soft pleading tone. I looked into his eyes, the chocolate colored depths pulling me in. I noticed for the first time, there were gold flecks among the rich brown. There was anger in him and frustration, but under that was pain. I felt tears dampen my eyelashes, as I fought with them and all I could do was pray that I was anywhere else.

His face tilted and he lowered his head slowly. I knew he was going to kiss me and if he did I would be lost. I would forgive him, but deep within my heart I knew, if I gave in that quickly he would never respect me. I would be like the girls before. Instinct told me that if there were any hope for us to get beyond this; I would have to make Mush earn both my respect and my love back. At the same time my pride demanded nothing less.

"We all want an awful lot of things Mush, but ya know ya can't have everythin'." A new voice said, startling us both. I let out a breath of relief at the interruption, even as I felt Mush's muscles tense at the familiar voice. Mush's hands had loosened and I spun around to find Spot only feet away. He was leaning against the fence as though he owned it. For that matter, he had an arrogance about him that made it seem as though he owned the whole world. For any woman such confidence is an aphrodisiac and I found I was no exception.

"Get out of here." Mush raged, glancing back I could see the fury in his eyes, along with a lack of confidence. "Leave Bianca alone, haven't ya done enough?"

"I ain't done nothin', but point out the truth Mush, it's too bad ya can't take it." Spot replied coolly and calmly, as though he were merely asking Mush to have a beer with an old friend. "She had a right to know."

"Perhaps." Mush snapped. "But ya ain't God, Conlon. Ya can't go around ruin people's lives as the whim takes ya, and it ain't as if ya ain't one to lie."

"I never said I don't lie, but when ya messin' with an innocent girl, that's when I draw the line." Spot said softly, he looked at me without pity, but with remorse. It was as if he were trying to tell me he was sorry, but he did not pity me. It was oddly reassuring. I looked back at Mush, and felt a sharp pang. He looked like a man who was fighting a losing battle and knew it. Still, his jaw tightened and he took a deep breath, his eyes telling me he was not ready to surrender yet.

"Look if ya hate me then I'll accept that." Mush said his eye on me, as he blatantly ignored Spot. "But I ain't ever gonna accept you and him. I'll fight 'till my dyin' breath to keep ya away from him."

"I believe that is my choice." I said raising my chin defiantly. "Don't fight me on this Mush, you know how well your arguments about the Swan worked. This won't be any different. You have less power over me than you did then."

"Ya can't trust him Bianca." Mush pleaded.

"I never said I would trust him." I replied firmly. "But at this point, he's earned more of my trust than you have."

"I ain't gonna beg ya Bianca." Mush snarled, his eyes flashing. His anger frightened me, during the entire time I had known him, never had I seen him this angry. His entire body was deadly still, his muscles were tense, and his jaw was clamped tight. I could see the veins in his throat and forehead as he exerted tremendous control, to keep from attacking. Whether it was to beat Spot to a pulp or throttle me I wasn't sure. He took a deep breath, before he spoke again. "I asked ya to forgive me and I can't do more than that."

"You betrayed my trust, and broke my heart." I returned calmly, though inside I was shaking with fear. "I can't just forgive that quickly. You can't just say you're sorry and expect forgiveness for the pain you've caused. You haven't forgiven Cinnamon, how in the bloody hell do you expect me to forgive you?"

Both of the boys looked at me in surprise, never had I used any sort of curse words in front of them. The emotions were swirling around inside me like leaves on the winds of a storm, and I was no less in control than those leaves. I turned and presented my back to the both. I was beginning to feel an inkling of how Cinnamon must have felt, torn between the two. I began to wonder, if I would be changed as much by the two men that stood on either side. What ever happened I promised myself, I would never choose Cinnamon's path. I would never let them ruin me. Never say never whispers through my mind now.

"I'll tell you what Mush." I said turning back to him, the edge of my lips turned with a spiteful smile. It was something impossible for him, something he might never do, but if he at least tried I would know he loved me. It was a test, a challenge. "You forgive Cinnamon and I'll forgive you."

"What?" Mush asked in shock, anger still boiling within him at my proposition. "Ya want me to go back to her? She nearly destroyed me the first time."

"No," I replied calmly, too calmly. I knew I walked a precarious line, in forcing Mush to forgive Cinnamon there could only be one of two outcomes. He could prove his love for me or fall for her again. "I want you to forgive her. Forgive her for the pain she caused you and make peace. If you can manage to forgive her for hurting you, I will find it in my heart, to forgive you for the same. You don't have to trust her, you don't have to love her, you only a have to forgive her."

"Cinnamon has nothin' to do with me and you." Mush growled. "She's nothin' to me."

"If that's true than forgive her." I said impatiently. "If she doesn't matter then it shouldn't be too hard, you can't still be angry with someone that means nothing to you. She still means something to you."

"Not as much as you." He responded, his voice softening and his hand brushed my cheek; in that gesture of affection I had come to know so well.

"I bet, you can say that as smoothly as I love you to a girl you want to bed." I said just as softly, which made my words that much more effective. "If you care for me at all and I am not just another girl to add to the harem then you will do this for me. Call it a challenge for my love."

"I won't do it." Mush hissed as he whirled away, by this point he was nearly shaking with his anger. I had rejected him twice and it was not something Mush was used to. "I ain't gonna test my sanity like that."

"What about my sanity? Am I to spend, however long you wish to give me attention, wondering about Cinnamon? Is she always going to haunt us? Will you ever let her go?" I asked testily. He stopped and looked back at me, and for a moment I thought he might agree to what I asked of him. It lasted only a moment and then he turned and walked away.

"He's too proud to give in." Spot said from directly behind me, he was so close I could feel the heat of his body and was surprised at the chilled state of my own. I could feel the sun on my skin beginning to warm me up; it was as if my argument with Mush had brought with it a momentary chill. "And he hates Cinnamon too much to ever forgive her."

"Hate like that can destroy a man and everyone that is close to him." I whispered, my anger at Mush gone, and in its place was sorrow. Sorrow, for what I was suddenly sure we could never have. I blinked away the moisture in my eyes at the sweet memories that even now made me ache.

"What do you want?" I asked shrewishly, turning back to Spot. His blue eyes watched me unfalteringly.

"I think ya know the answer to that." He responded tugging on a bit of hair that had freed itself from the bun at the back of my head. "I wasn't exactly subtle last night."

"No." I admitted. "You're about as subtle as a two by four, upside someone's head. I can't give you what you want Spot, and I won't be torn between you and Mush. I'm not going to play that game, I've seen what the two of you can do to a woman."

"Ya just took care of Mush for me." Spot smiled. "I already told ya, he ain't ever gonna forgive Cin."

"You're interested in me only because of Mush." I said steadily." Because of that you don't have a chance. I'll ask you again what do you want? There's some other reason, some point to this. In fact I'd be willing to bet what you want is to worm your way into my heart and then use me. Still, that won't be enough, you'll have to use me and then leave me. That would hurt Mush enough, to see me hurting, but still be furious at my defection."

"And what if I just want ya?" Spot asked his face almost unreadable, his eyes hooded and emotionless. It was as if he was deciding what to do. I had the sudden feeling he was deciding whether to abandon a charade or continue it.

"You don't just want anything Spot." I spat. "You don't want anything unless you can get gain from it, and the only gain you'll get from me is hurting Mush. While the senseless bastard might deserve it, I don't hold myself cheaply. Whatever rumors you've heard I didn't give Mush what he wanted."

"I know." He said simply as he watched me coolly. The air around me suddenly seemed cold. Gone was the amicable twinkle and the flirting smirk, gone was the unreadable expression. In its place was cool calculation, and an emotion that flickered like a candle in and out of his eyes. It was an emotion I didn't understand.

"What do you mean?" There was an amusement that glimmered in his eyes, an enjoyment that made me feel stupid.

"I saw ya that night." He said relishing the words as they came out and my reaction to them.

"What?" I asked numbly. I felt as though I was grasping at a rope that was slipping through my fingers.

"I saw the whole thing. It was a real surprise, when Mushy boy was more a gentleman than I've ever seen him. Even than when he was first with Cinnamon." Spot replied. "Though next time ya decide to be a little intimate with a man, make sure ya not in front of a window."

My mind flew back to that night. I remembered Mush had been smoking a cigarette near the window, and I remembered the moonlight that had fallen on us, through the window that framed us.

"But Blink..............." I began, still not seeing the full picture and frustrated because I knew it only entertained Spot more.

"Didn't say a word." Spot cut me off with a chuckle. "Though after he insisted on draggin' Mush to Medda's last night, Mush thinks he's been working with Cin to set this up. Pity, Blink really was a loyal friend until Mush gave him the beatin' of his life. Jacky may throw him out of Manhattan over this, and no borough is gonna take him in. No one wants Manhattan for an enemy."

"Why?" I whispered, my heart ached as his words started to fully sink in. I started to turn away, to hide from the ugly words that were attacking my brain mercilessly. Spot wouldn't let me hide from what he was saying; he reached out and grabbed me. I gasped at his bruising grip and as I looked up at him I saw the smile lingering on his lips. He was enjoying every moment of the pain he was inflicting.

"No one threatens Brooklyn, no one challenges Brooklyn, and I am Brooklyn." Spot said in an emotionless tone that frightened me further.

"So now you're going to use me further." I said looking away from him. "If I haven't given in to Mush what makes you think I would give into you? You can't make me, you wouldn't."

"Oh, but I could." Spot laughed letting me go abruptly causing me to fall back and trip over the laundry basket. I backed up swiftly at the idea of his forcing himself on me. He shook his head as he read my mind. "I ain't gonna rape ya, that would make Mush feel sorry for ya. Nah, ya gonna do this of ya own free will."

"What makes you think I'm going to do that?" I questioned, my own anger beginning to simmer and making me reckless. "Unlike everyone else you may have been with, I'm not about to give up my morals. No matter you made everyone believe."

"I don't want ya to give up ya morals." Spot told me matter of factly. "It makes my revenge all that much sweeter to know ya gonna do it and not have any choice about it. That ya gonna hate yourself later for sinnin'."

"Why?" I whispered brokenly. "Why would you want to do something so horrible."

"High and mighty Bianca. Ya don't get it do ya? I should've had ya first. I made the first move, since Mushy boy was too much of a coward. But ya chose him, and nobody chooses a no one from Manhattan over Spot Conlon." Spot hissed, for the first time showing the fury that lurked under that cool exterior.

"You're nothing compared to him." I replied passionately. "It wasn't a hard choice to make."

"Don't make me enjoy this anymore than I already am." Spot warned. "Now, I've gotten Mush back and I'm about to get finish ya both off. Here's how it's gonna go down Bianca. On Sunday mornin' ya gonna get up real early, early enough for the first service at church. I know Molly likes to go to the last service so she can get a little extra sleep. Then ya gonna walk there and meet one of me boys, from there he'll bring ya to the Brooklyn Lodgin' House where ya gonna let me do what ya wouldn't let Mush."

"You've yet to give me any incentive as to why I'm supposed to do this." I said defiantly, still foolishly thinking he couldn't make be part of his despicable plot.

"If ya don't I answer this flier, and tell the nice gentleman that's been lookin' for ya, where ya are." Spot replied as he took a folded piece of paper from his back pocket. His smirk told me he had me.

"What gentleman?" I asked fearfully as I reached for it, I suddenly understood how a mouse felt just as a cat catches it. My hands trembled as I unfolded it, knowing I would not like what it read.

"The one that's been so concerned." Spot said, with amusement in his voice. "Ya fiancé?"

"My cousin." I whispered, as the trembling spread from my hands, to the rest of my body. It was picture of me, and below it stated, I had been kidnapped from the boarding school I attended. Any information would bring a reward. For months I had heard nothing and I was just beginning to feel safe, but it seemed that Cousin Adian had not given up.

"Whatever." Spot shrugged. "Be at the church on Sunday and I don't go to the bulls."

He didn't wait for my answer before he sauntered off. I looked back at my face on the sheet of paper and was surprised, as two drops of water fell on it smearing the ink. It was then I realized, I was crying.

RiotAct: It seems that there are two points of view in this chapter; some think he's just being sweet and others know him for the bastard he really is. Though personally I think it's just Bianca's dealings with him that are making him a bastard. He can be really sweet when he wants to be. Speaking of a sweet Spot when are you going to update?

Emotions: Sure enough, I just had to wait for the opportune moment. And another that realizes it's all a shame. Spots a jerk, he's meant to be. Is this soon enough for you? And I've left you with another cliffhanger. Bad me. Oh well, I hope you enjoyed this.

Detroit: Wow I got a bravo! YEA! No this story will not tie in with Hourglass. Battle with Fate won't either. The reason the POTC fic does is because it was the perfect opportunity to continue the story and explain the amulet. The scar will tie in as well, since in the authors cut Briar also sports the scar. The next one to be updated is that one and then the authors cut of Hourglass. Thanks for the review.

Falco: Sorry honey, it was short lived, Spot's a jerk. Yup your character appeared and she will appear again later. Did I get her right? Yummy lots of waffles last chapter. The muses were thrilled enough to help me edit this. Love ya!

The Good Girl: There is always a reason behind Spot's kindness. Updated, is this soon enough for you? Thanks!

Kez: I take it that means you liked the chapter. Hope you enjoy this one!


	17. Choosing the Path

I watched him walk away, feelings of helplessness and anger filling me. I couldn't refuse him; he was right and the lack of choice made my stomach turn. I buried my head in my hands unable to sob, unable to think, unable to do anything. For the first time in my life I understood the feeling of hate. I understood now, the reason Mush's eyes burned. when he looked at Spot. I felt trapped, and for a moment entertained the notion of defying him, but I had no doubts Spot would follow through with his threat. The idea of Aidan finding me filled me with a debilitating fear.

I could not say at the time why I feared Adian, far more than Spot Conlon. It was an instinct. I look back now on his cold blue eyes, eyes that showed no emotion; eyes that may have never felt any, and I know that he was truly evil. Spot was petty, grasping, and devious, but he had yet to reach attain the evil of my cousin.

I would go to Spot, and all I could do is pray that Mush would save me. He was my last hope, a hope that flickered weakly, but a hope nonetheless. He had saved me thus far from my demons, but eventually everyone has to fight their demons alone. It was this improbable hope that gave me the strength to rise, smooth out my skirt, and wipe the tears from my eyes.

As I began pinning the laundry once again to the line, I glanced up at the window, to find Molly looking down at me. I knew when I went inside I would have to face her and I took my time finishing the laundry.

The moment I was finished I picked up the basket and made my way into the house, with any luck I might just avoid Molly. Unfortunately luck was not with me, as she caught me on the stairs, just feet from my room.

"What did Spot want?" She asked, without preamble, she stood with her hands on her hips, the light from the window above us lighting her black hair with blue highlights.

"Nothing." I responded, knowing that if I could find no other choice but to go to Spot, Molly would never let me.

"What do ya mean nothin'?" Molly tapped her foot impatiently as she spoke, and I knew I would have to tread carefully.

"Nothing." I repeated, letting a bit of irritation into my own voice. "He just wanted to make sure Mush wasn't bothering me. Anyhow, it's time for me to get ready for the Swan, will you help me?"

Molly studied me for a moment; her eyes narrowed and must have decided that was all I was going to tell her. My lie was weak, but I looked at her blankly, until she finally nodded and without a word started up the stairs. I held in a sigh of relief, she would leave it be, for now.

My mind was whirling, as I made my way across the yard, the skirts of my wine colored silk dress in my hand. I felt a moment of dread as I reached the back door, but pushed it away, this was one place I had nothing to fear from. I felt safe here; Lilly would protect me from anything. Despite what Ivy had said, Lilly had been sweet and sympathetic, never once had she given me any reason to doubt her.

I saw Rush was waiting for me as I entered the back door. My musings scattered to the winds, as I looked at her vacantly for a moment, before giving her a questioning look. She said nothing, instead she gestured for me to follow her. Her solemn expression and silence worried me.

"Lilly wants to speak with you." She said softly, as she led me up the stairs. Suddenly I was very nervous, and my mind began to race. Had I done something wrong? Was I going to be sacked? Was she angry that I hadn't been there?

The hallway seemed to stretch before me, an endless path of opulence and grandeur. When we finally reached the door to Rush's room, it had been too quick of a walk. Rush opened the door and gestured me inside.

I entered cautiously to find Lilly sitting on the settee, her black satin skirts spread about her becomingly, in a shimmering semi-circle. She patted the settee in a gesture for me to sit. The usually well-lit room was dim; it appeared that Rush was not planning on working tonight. The door shut softly behind me, and I found myself with no other choice, than to sit next to Lilly.

"You must be wondering why I asked you for a private meeting." Lilly said as I sat, spreading my skirts in a similar manner. The wine color of my dress was so dark in the muted light, it almost was as dark as Lilly's. I nodded and waited for her to continue. Her eyes were watching me carefully, as she took my hand and patted it. "I have heard of your difficulties regarding my nephew. You're not the first girl he's hurt, nor the first he's taken advantage of."

"But he.............." I began,only to be cut off as Lilly continued.

"I had hoped, you were the woman the might finally mend the damage, Cinnamon did to his heart." She sighed. "If you couldn't do it I told myself, no one could and it appears my nephew is a lost cause. I am very sorry he has seduced you,and I am equally sorry he has ruined your reputation. Now with that out of the way, Rose has left us and with her going a position has come open. I would like to offer you a trial and apprenticeship."

I sat there in shock for a moment, unable to understand what she had said. The moment I completely grasped it my cheeks flamed.

"I'm not that kind of woman........" I stuttered. "I couldn't possibly."

"Bianca, dear, you've made the mistake that most of the women here have. You fell in love and gave away your chances of marriage. Mush will never marry you and make an honest woman of you. Nor will any other man have you." Lilly said, in a very matter of fact way. "Now you can continue working yourself to the bone, or you may return to a life of leisure. You can wear beautiful gowns, and be adored by men. You can even make money. You're stunning Bianca, you must know that. I see the men downstairs eyeing you every night. Why, with your beauty and wit you could become one of the richest women in New York, without ever becoming someone's wife. The men will come to you and you can take your pick. If you should decide to marry, a girl as smart and as beautiful as you could very well obtain any man you wish. "

"If I can't obtain Mush, whatever, gives you the idea I could obtain another man?" I questioned trying not to feel the pain of those words as they crossed my lips. "Neither my beauty or my wit has done anything to do more than capture his lust."

"You wanted too much from him, and you picked the wrong kind of man" Lilly told me coolly, in an instructional tone. "You'll learn quickly to choose the men that are easily drawn in. Mush is too strong, and knows how to play the game too well to be caught. You need a man who desperately wants you to love him, and then you have to make him believe you do. There will be more time for such instructions later, if you decide to take my offer. For now, I have a gift for you."

From the chair next to her she took a box, and handed it to me. I gave her a questioning look and she nodded for me to open it. Curious, I pulled the lid away and pushed aside the tissue. Unable to help myself I gasped. Inside laid a georgette robe of soft rose that had been painstakingly beaded with vivid burgundy beads, in the shape of roses. The emerald stems contrasted in a shimmering flash of color. The burgundy, raw, silk peignoir was soft against my skin, reminding me of the luxury I had once lived in. Reminding me of the luxury I had once been accustomed to, how easy it would be to fall back into it.

"It's breathtaking isn't it?" Lilly asked with a pleased tone. "I had Rush design it just for you. You will become the next Rose, and with your brain I could train you to become the next Lilly."

"The next Lilly?" I queried, having naively assumed that Lilly was her given name.

"Oh yes, the Black Swan has been open for more than twenty years and there has always been a Lilly running it." Lilly responded with a careless smile. "I always found it clever, as the Madame no longer serves the upstairs guests. It denotes a return to innocence, you can shed Rose the tawdry, and become Lilly the untouchable."

She made it seem so very glamorous and so tempting. I could see myself with money and prestige. There would be beautiful dresses to wear every day, a maid to dress my hair, and the calluses would disappear from my hands forever. Never again would I have to scrub a floor, or a tub that had been used by six other people. Never again would I have to long for the attention of one man when I could have many.

"But I am still a virgin." I told her, reminding myself that despite what anyone might think I was still pure.

"That doesn't change things Bianca, everyone believes you are not." Lilly said with impatience. "The best advice I can give you, is to turn to Spot Conlon. I have heard, that while he is finicky, he is a very good lover. His certainly has the reputation for experience to justify such rumors. It will be good practice for you to learn to keep your emotions out of sex."

"I couldn't do that, Mush.................." I protested, but Lilly cut me off, the sparkle leaving her eyes and for the first time showing me the hard women underneath.

"Mush is done with you Bianca." She said in a severe tone. "It's best you learn that now. He's not going to save you, he's not going to rescue you, and he doesn't love you. Mush has nothing more than an issue over territory. He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. You are going to have to learn to forget about his emotions and those of anyone other than you. Our lot in life is not easy, and you will have to learn to take care of yourself."

I watched as she rose and moved gracefully toward the door. She paused, her hand on the knob and looked back at me.

"I'll give you a few days, think on my offer." She said, before disappearing through the door and shutting it behind her. The silence of the room descended on me and my mind swirled in a kaleidoscope of thoughts. Unable to sit still, I stood and moved to the window, outside the world was becoming dark, a world that I stood on the brink of.

The Swan was a world of night, when you could do as you liked in the cover of night, but regrets would come in the morning. I would have to live only in the moment, lest my sins catch up with me. Stars were beginning to twinkle and everything seemed so peaceful, compared to the war that raged within me.

Lilly understood what she asked, but it was up to me to fight the battle. If I agreed to her proposal, I would have to forsake everything I had been raised to believe in. I would have to throw my morals to the wind and make my own rules. I wasn't sure I was made for that sort of thing. My life had always had rules and a certain semblance of order. I wasn't a devil may care kind of girl. I wasn't Cinnamon.

The door opened and I glanced back. Rush entered and pinned me with a hard look. Without a word, she began to turn up the lamps that lined the walls, to make the room bright enough for her to work without straining her eyes.

"Did she ask you?" she finally demanded, after she had turned up the last lamp. I nodded and turned my attention back out the window. "Will you accept?"

"I don't know." I replied honestly. "But I do have to get to my current job."

"She's had you marked from the beginning ya know." Rush said suddenly, just as I reached the door. I turned and looked back at her. "She took one look at ya and knew she wanted ya to work here. She gave ya that line about wantin' ya to work downstairs, but she's been bidin' her time until things went wrong, and she thought ya might be vulnerable."

"Lilly wouldn't do that." I spoke quickly in her defense. "Lilly's has always treated me well."

"She'll treat ya well until she has no use for ya." Rush warned. "Lilly's no saint and every woman that comes in these doors eventually stays for good. Unless they get out early, don't get caught Bianca. Despite the rumors that is flyin', ya have other choices, and ya could find a husband once things die down."

"What if I don't what a husband?" I asked quickly, knowing the moment the words were out of my mouth they were not true.

"Trust me, spinsterhood is by far a better choice, than here." Rush sighed, looking away. "This life ain't for ya Bi. Ya need a core of steel to survive here and ya ain't got it. You'd die in a matter of months."

"And if I refuse her?" I questioned, needing to know where I would stand, if I didn't want to work in the upstairs rooms. I wasn't sure if I refused Lilly that I would still have a job.

"I said, she'll treat ya well until she has no use for ya." Rush replied. " Until someone that's better with a musical instrument comes along, and is prettier, ya ain't goin' anywhere. That is unless ya want to. Frankly, I don't see that happenin' any time soon."

I breathed a sigh of relief and for the first time that day I truly felt it. At least if I decided not to work the upstairs, I would still have a job.

"Go on with ya, and not a word to Lilly, no matter what choice ya make." Rush said, making shooing gestures with her hands. I smiled at her, the first genuine smile it seemed in days; before walking through to doorway, to a night that was blissfully like all the others. My life had changed so rapidly in only a matter of hours, so rapidly it seemed like days.

That night, as I lay in bed, my mind swam with all the choices that lay before me. It was a tangled maze of crossroads, each choice had a repercussion and I wasn't sure which of my choices would be the lesser of two evils.

If I choose to go to Spot, I would in reality be no worse off, than if I returned to my cousin. Either way the same outcome would happen. The only difference was Mush. If I returned home, he would not be as decimated, as he would be if I gave myself to Spot. Part of me wanted to scream and run from Molly's, leaving behind my choices and choosing an entirely new path, but I knew I could not do that. I had no money, no one to run to, and I wasn't confident of my new found independence, to leave the people that were sheltering me. My next choice hung on the first one, for if I took Lilly's advice, it would seem the best course of action was then to accept her offer. The best resolution, it seemed, would be to put it out of my mind until I had no choice, but to decide.

I tried to ignore it and go about my days as though nothing different was happening. Twice I caught Spot lingering outside the Swan as I left work, but I ignored him. It was as if I ignored it, it would all go away. Unfortunately there are few things in life that actually do.

Sunday dawned and I woke with the first light, my heart beating in a hard thumping manner. Fear filled me and I knew that I had only hours, before I would be forced to a decision. I had not slept the night before, despite my stubborn refusal to acknowledge my predicament. The light held a grayish tinge and there was a moisture in the air, that told me rain was approaching. I looked out the window at the stirring city and knew that whatever choice I made, I would have to look Spot in the eye as I made it. No choices could be made here in the safety of my room. Either way I would regret it without staring down the choice Spot had offered me.

I had been a coward and that did not sit well with me. I knew to my very bones, I had to go to Spot and either refuse or accept what was to happen. Silently, I dressed and made my way downstairs. My coat hung on a peg near the back kitchen door, and I had the sense to take it, as I silently slipped into the morning.

I'll never forget that morning not matter how hard I try. The odd gray and golden light that touch everything, made it take on the feeling of light and shadow. Of the choices I had to make. The sun slipped through the clouds to offer it's watery warm to the day. It was as if the weather was as undeceive as I. As I neared the church I saw a scruffy boy smoking a cigarette, and I knew it was one of Spots. His very stance echoed the arrogance of his leader and I wondered if all of Brooklyn was affected in such away. He said nothing to me; he only smirked and walked away, expecting me to follow. I found myself highly irritated at such treatment, but my only choice was to do as he expected.

The boy's steps were fast and I had to hurry to catch up, still he never lost me. Every now and then he would take a turn that I wouldn't see, but he always retraced his steps and found me. By the time I reached the Lodging House the clouds had squelched the sun's attempts at freedom and had turned the sky a ferocious purple gray. I shivered as the first drops began to fall, and hurried after the boy that had just disappeared into the doorway, of the dilapidated building they called home.

I stopped short inside, as I found a handful of boys loitering in the front room. They slouched, sat, or stood about the room, as they either played cards, dice, or marbles depending on their age or taste. They all fell silent as I entered; a few nudged each other and smiled. My cheeks flushed, but I raised my head and continued to follow the boy through the room, in my haughtiest manner.

Through the gray rooms with dusty floors and up the cobwebbed staircase, I followed my guide; until we reached a door at the end of a darkened hall. My guide opened it and bounded inside, causing the voices from within to die. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my hand unconsciously clutching the collar of my coat closed, in a gesture of modesty. Confident that I was steady enough, I entered the room and surveyed the occupants, with my best regal look. They stared back at me, all except one, the one I had come to see.

He smirked, as he laid the cards in his hand down and slowly rose from the table. I glanced down to see they had been playing poker. I wondered what they were doing playing cards when they had newspapers to sell. What were any of them doing there?

"Ya came." His voice seemed to echo in the silence. It was not a question; it was a statement, as though he knew all along I would come. I bristled, but chose not to remark on it. He came around the table and I took a step back. He eyed me for a moment before continuing to where I stood, and saying three simple words. "Come with me."

With one glance back at the boys that watched us intently, I complied. I suddenly understood what an animal caught in a trap felt like. He led me down the hall to the other shadowy end, where he opened a door and stepped back. I brushed past him and entered a small bedroom. What looked like the bottom half of a bunk bed sat in the far left corner of the room. It's unevenly and raggedly cut posts, made it look like a nightmare version of the four-poster bed that probably even now, stood in my room at my parent's house. A patchwork blanket, that was faded to different shades of gray and rust at one time had probably been brightly colored, covered the bed. Next to it, stood a rickety table that had a book propped under its' broken leg, to keep it standing and steady. On top of the table was a chipped glass that was half filled with water.

I glanced about me, at the dust and disrepair that surrounded me and wondered if this was the life that Mush led. Was his room in the same state? My heart clenched at the thought, he deserved far better than this.

"Manhattan has a man that keeps the Lodgin' House." Spot said, reading my mind effortlessly. "Old Kloppman, makes sure everythin' stays kind of clean. O' Malley kept house here until he died a few years ago."

I looked over at him, to find him leaning against another rickety table that I assumed was used as a desk. Spot leaned over and struck a match, lighting the lamp that sat next to him. We stared at each other for a moment before he stepped close to me, and placed a hand on my waist. I looked at my feet and thoughts of Mush filled my mind. There was one thing that stood out, one thing that made my decision. I couldn't hurt Mush; I couldn't do to him what Cinnamon did no matter the cost.

"I can't do this Spot." I said, before my nerve failed and I allowed him to take over. "I can't do this to Mush. I can't hurt him like that. Tell my cousin where I am, but I won't do it."

I looked back up at him, tears in my eyes lingering in my eyes, and for a moment I thought I saw compassion in his cold blue ones. It lasted no longer than a moment, before his mouth compressed into a thin line and his eyes glittered like ice.

"What about Mush?" He asked. "What would your cousin do to him if he found out about the two of ya? What would he do to Molly for harberin' ya? I'm many things, but I ain't a fool, and the only way ya'd come here is if ya were afraid of him. Hell, the only reason a snotty little rich girl like ya would end up on the streets, and not have turned back yet, would be because ya were afraid. Now, if ya so afraid of what he'd do to ya, what do ya think he'd do to them?"

The thought had never struck me that Adian might hurt the others. I stared at him in shock for a moment, before the sinking feeling filled my stomach.

"So here's the way I see it, ya can walk out of here and I'll tell ya cousin where ya are." Spot told me, his voice sounding reasonable, while his words were anything but

"Why don't you just rape me?" I interrupted furiously, angry at him for putting me in this position and angry at myself for walking into the trap.

"Because it's more damagin' if ya do it of ya own free will." Spot said simply, before continuing on. "Now, if I have to go to ya cousin, I'm gonna tell everyone I had ya anyway."

"No one would believe it." I snapped.

"Oh, but ya see, all me boys saw ya walk in here. All of them know we were alone in my room." Spot replied, triumph lighting his eyes and making him smile. "Ya other choice is, to keep Molly outta danger, and ya only hurt ya beloved Mush half as much."

I turned to the small, grubby window just to the right of the nightstand, my hand touched the glass and I wished I could throw myself through it. I bit my lip to keep back the tears, as I stared at the street below.

"What's ya choice?" he asked, while he stepped close, brushing my hair over my left shoulder and placing his hands on either side of my waist.

"I don't have a choice." I said flatly, not turning. "You know it you bastard."

"Born and bred lady." Spot said, just before bending his head and brushing my neck with a kiss. I did not respond, instead I continued looking out the window, looking for anything else to take my mind from what was happening. His lips brushed neck again, as his hands moved to the buttons on the front of my blouse. I still did not respond and continued staring out the window at the sidewalk below. To my surprise, I saw a young girl, she stood stalk still watching us. For a moment our eyes met and I wished she would learn the pain of womanhood as I did.

Falco: hides please don't beat me with anything. He's a bad, bad boy. I'm sorry. Runs away.

Smiley Cad: I'm just glad you found it. Sorry, I know Spots, a hottie, but there's so much fodder in the movie for him to be a tyrant. I had to exploit it. I hope you liked this chapter.

Alias 19: You'd be amazed at what people will do when drunk. Oh the stories I could tell. No Mush hates Cinnamon, but there is still a part of him that doesn't. After all he was very much in love with her at one point. Trust me those feelings can be so mixed up and drinking doesn't exactly leave you in a state of mind where you can make decisions rationally. Sorry I had to the muses made me, I blame it all on them, but it will get better I promise.

The Good Girl: Yeah, he didn't get any better did he? Sorry the update wasn't as soon as before, but I made it extra, extra long. Thanks for the review

Riot Act: Oooh, I hate to see what you do to Spot now. Spot has to have his moments; he's Spot Conlon and a bad boy. Bad boys always have their moments, it's what makes them so sexy. Kind of like a wild animal that's been tamed, but becomes wild every now and then. Any how, I've been looking for that update and I haven't see it. Hurry up or I'll start holding back until you update and yes that is blackmail. He he he.

Kez: Yeah, I find him sexy too. It's weird the way we women do that. The worse they are the sexier they can be. I'm so glad you like my dialogue. I've been accused of spending too much time on it and making it more like a script and less like a story. I really struggle with it. I like how human Mush is becoming, he's about to get a whole lot more human. I'm not sure Bi is going to be too thrilled with this human side of him though. Hope you liked it!

Pricilla 2: Hey thanks, I'm glad you liked it. If you thought the last chapter was sad I bet this one was a doozy. But then you should know by now I like to do that.

J.P. Animal Crackers? Boy do you have my number. Here you go, hope you liked it. It was speak like a pirate weekend?

Rumor: Yes, I get not only a review, but one for every chapter you missed. Huzzah! Lilly really showed her true colors in this chapter didn't she. Spot always had the makings to be twisted, I've just been so enamored with his good looks I've never explored this side. It wasn't as tough as I thought, though still a challenge. We all know J.P. and her addiction to Christian Bale. Can't say as though I blame her. I still need to read Mists. I'm glad you like how I've worked the Spot character; he's such an ass. I love it. I can't wait for your thoughts on this Grams.

Dreamer: I know it's evil, but I just can't help it. I think these last few chapters have been a series of cliffhangers haven't they. Sorry, but I have to stop some where. Santa Fe, he he he. Ohhh poor bunny, it looks like he's going to be a hostage for a while. It has changed, it's not quite so fluffy, see what happens when you disappear Rach? I end up getting all dark and deep with my work. We haven't talked for too long, and I'm desperate for an update from you. Don't make me hold this story hostage. Love ya!


	18. Facing the Results

My gait was slow as I walked home, slow and deliberate. I didn't want Molly to see me, for I was certain the change in me was something that would be visible on my face. I was right, but it was not an obvious difference, yet if someone that knew me looked at me, they would no longer see the sparkle and naivety of an innocent. My innocence had been shattered; the poison of a cynic was beginning to swirl through my heart. As I looked around me, no longer did the world hold the rosy glow, no longer did it sparkle. It seemed gray and dull. The rain fell in soft pattering drops, and had already soaked through my coat. My hair was plastered to my cheeks in wet tendrils, but I didn't care.

I didn't care about anything at that moment. As I drew near the boarding house, I slowed my steps even more, putting off going in as long as I could. At last I could not delay it any longer. I stood in the street staring at the door, knowing I should walk through it, and praying I wouldn't have to.

I had thought my life a disaster before that day, but it had been nothing compared to then. A carriage passed splashing cold water over me, but still I stood staring at the doorway deciding if I should walk away forever. The only thing that was stopping me was that I had nowhere else to go. When I had walked away from my parent's house, I had been too naïve to understand what I was doing. Now I did, I understood if I left with only the clothes on my back, I very well could starve in the streets. I had also seen the women on the streets and what became of them. If that were to be my fate I might as well stay at the Swan, I would be doing the same job in much plusher surroundings.

Taking a deep breath I made my way inside. I was hoping to slip past Molly and hide in my room, but I wasn't lucky enough. She sat inside the door, her needlepoint in her lap, and her eyes widened when she looked at me.

"Bianca?" she cried. "Where have you been?"

I closed my eyes, memories flooding me of the last hour, memories of what I had allowed to happen. Guilt filled my soul and I had the sudden urge to take all my clothes and burn them. To sink into a boiling hot bath and attempt to wash away Spot's touch. I was sore, both in body and in spirit. My stomach suddenly revolted and I threw myself toward the stairs in hopes of reaching the bathroom in time. I could hear Molly following, but for the first time all day my wishes were answered and I managed to make it to the sink before I retched what little food was in me.

"Are you alright?" Molly asked softly as she tugged at the coat I hadn't bothered to button. It came off and landed on the floor with a wet plop. "We have to get ya out of those clothes. Ya'll catch your death."

I allowed her to pull me into my room, moving listlessly. She shut the door as a curious boarder passed, before turning to the buttons of my shirt. The thought of being undressed again caused my stomach to heave. There was nothing left, as I had not eaten breakfast, so I could only hold weakly to the footboard as I gagged on nothing.

"What happened darlin'"?" she whispered. "What happened to ya?"

She was not expecting a response, which was good because I certainly was in no shape to answer. Not that I would have. I had walked out of Spot's room with the determination to tell no one my reasons. I had made my choice; my sacrifice and I would not have people looking at me with pity. Nor would I have them look at me as a martyr.

Swiftly she stripped off the white shirt that was so soaked, it was plastered to my body and you could see my underclothing. I noticed as she did the dark fingerprints that marked the front, where Spot had undone it. I remember thinking it must be from the ink that was always staining the newsies hands. Molly's eyes widened and she continued to help me from my wet clothing. My skirt puddled around my feet in a mess of wet cloth. My petticoats followed and I stood only in my gartered stockings, my chemise, my bloomers, and my corset. I stared out the window, trying to keep my mind blank. Trying to keep the memories from invading my head, which was beginning to ache.

Molly bustled about the room, turning down the covers of my bed and finding my nightgown. I shivered in the cold room, but my mind did not notice. Gently she undid my corset and slid the chemise from my shoulders, before easing the nightgown over my head. Knowing I wasn't going to do it for myself, she sat me on the edge of the bed and undid my garters before rolling the soaked wool stockings down my legs.

She didn't ask any questions as she pushed my sopping hair from my shoulders and used a blanket as a makeshift towel. She gasped only once as she looked at my neck, a telltale bruise telling her what she had already guessed.

"Who ever did this will pay Bianca." She promised me as she pushed me back onto the bed and tucked me in as though she were my mother. I curled away from her, my face toward the wall.

"They can't pay." I whispered. "I let it happen."

"Did he rape ya Bianca?" she asked softly, cajolingly. I shook my head, tears finally coming to my eyes, burning them as they came. She sighed as I offered nothing else and again I heard her footsteps whisper across the floor.

"Oh God." I whispered. "Please forgive me."

It was then a thought hit me; silently I rose from the bed and took my rosary from the nightstand.

'Our father who are in heaven haloed by thy name.............' I began, the familiar words of the prayer coming as I knelt in front of the window looking into the starless night, looking for an absolution I was afraid would never come. The floorboards were cold under me and I shivered in reaction, but ignored it. The window was cracked and the wind whistled through it adding to the cold, but still I ignored it. I cannot count how many times I said the rosary, nor prayed for forgiveness and prayed that Mush would never find out. 'Thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.'

There are some prayers that cannot be answered. I heard the door slam open downstairs and Molly's voice that rose as footsteps pounded up the stairs. My bedroom door flew open hard enough to break the doorknob through the wall. I did not have to turn to know Mush stood there, light fell across me from the lamps in the hallway, and the rosary beads continued to flow through my fingers.

'Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses. As we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. ' My prayer continued, but it did not stop Mush.

"Did ya do it Bianca?" He asked his voice soft and frightening. "Did ya?"

'Hail Mary full of Grace blessed art thou among women...................' I continued silently.

"Talk to me damn it!" his voice rose as he strode across the room. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to relive it, trying not to focus on the man that stood only feet away. The hurt radiating off him, so potent I could practically taste it. "Deny it, tell me Spot's lying."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Molly cried, her hand reaching out to stop him. He shrugged her off as he continued to glare at me.

"Ask her where she's been today." Mush snapped. "She left early this mornin' didn't she? She left all alone and came back alone. She's turned whore and slept with Spot."

'And blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus......................' The tears were starting now; they were hot on my cold skin as they gently rolled down my cheeks

He stood there in silence, the violence building in him, but I did not cower, whatever he did to me I deserved. I felt his hands on my shoulders and he turned me to look at him. My eyes remained on the rosary beads; his hands so hot they burned. There was no gentleness in them now, only the barely kept in check desire to throttle me.

"Is it true?" Molly asked. "Did ya go to Spot, is he the one?"

I looked up at Molly through eyes that were overflowing with tears. Her expression shattered and she looked from me to Mush and back again. It was clear that she was caught between us. Caught between the knowledge that I had not wanted what happened, and the knowledge of the pain Mush was going through.

'Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.'

I remained silent as he moved swiftly toward me, his hand rising as though to strike me. I cringed, but he only hauled me to my unsteady feet. Holding me by my neck and hair. The feeling was more of an irritating sting than actual pain, what caused pain was the torment in his eyes.

Since I had stood in the window at the Brooklyn Lodging House, I had felt as though I were split in two, one person hovering outside my body watching, the other cowering inside.

"Ya damned bitch." Mush hissed at me, he released me, practically throwing me to the floor. "ya ain't no better than Cinnamon. Ya women are all the same, whether ya raised rich or poor. Power grubbing scum, the lot of ya."

I bowed my head as his sentiments matched mine. At the moment I don't think he could have hated me as much as I hated myself. I looked back and found him looking down at me. His face was filled with hate, contempt and disgust; emotions that triggered a wave of bitterness.

"Hold ya tounge ya wee devil." Molly snapped, looking at me, my head bent, the tears streaming down my face in unchecked rivers. Silent sobs shook my whole body and the misery on my face was plain to see. "There's somethin' ya not catchin' Mush. I know Bianca, and I ain't never seen her act like this."

"I missed nothing." Mush stated each word syllable by syllable for a moment his accent faded. "She's a worthless whore and I'm done with her."

It was the last words that broke me. All the fine promises to myself about keeping my reasons hidden were shattered. I had bled for him, both figuratively and literally. I had given up something more precious than money only to be ridiculed by the very person I had done it for. Mush had turned to go and Molly looked at me with fear and confusion.

"I would have rather died than seen Spot Conlon touch me." I said clearly, though my voice was rough with tears and sobbing. The anger within me built, as did the spite. Let him choke on what I had done and exactly why. The ungrateful wretch, the overbearing pig.

"Then why?" Molly asked, needing to understand what had drove me to it. She glanced hopefully back at Mush who had stopped dead.

"To hurt me." Mush said with a finality that only egged my fury on. For the first time I did not hold back on it. I rose and stared him in the eye, the rosary slipping from my fingers and I fought back at the male dominated society that held me at fault for a conniving bastard's work.

"To save you." I said each word as slowly and clearly as he had before, wanting nothing more than to wipe that smug look from his face. My voice turned mocking. "I walked into the Brooklyn Lodging house to save myself and ended up trying to save you. I was going to condemn myself to spare you."

"The self righteous bit is over done, I've seen it before." Mush said mockingly and was not prepared for my hand flying and colliding with his cheek. His hands locked on my upper arms in a grip that was certain to leave bruises. I saw Molly out of the corner of my eye reaching to try to pull me from Mush's grasp. "If ya know what's best for ya Molly, ya'll leave and ya'll do it now."

She stood near the door and it took little effort for him to slam it shut. She jumped back to keep from being hit by it and he was swift to throw me on the bed and lock it. I bounced off and into a standing position ready to fight my way free.

"What's the matter Mush, can't handle the idea that maybe I wanted Spot Conlon?" I questioned dancing around him, evading his grasp.

"Did ya?" he asked in a deadly quiet tone as he gripped my arms again and gave me a little shake. "Did ya want him?"

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him yes and send him on his way forever, but I couldn't. The pain in his eyes was threatening to tear him apart. I could see it and no matter what he had done to me, I couldn't cause him any more pain that I already had. The anger left me and a tear trickled down my cheek.

"No." I whispered, looking away. "I didn't have a choice."

"And why is that?" He questioned sharply, I looked back at his face to see two emotions swirling in his eyes. Hope, and fear, hope that I had been coerced and fear that I had not, that I was lying.

"He threatened to go to Adian." I replied once again breaking my vow, I saw the disbelief in his eyes and looked away. How would I prove it? It was at that moment the light from the moon broke through the clouds and fell on the flyer still on my bureau. I wiggled free from him and made a dash for it, his hand closed around my arm again, swinging me around as I snatched it up. "Look."

He took the flier from me, his eyes scanning it as he looked from it to me and back again.

"So you went to him to keep him from goin' to ya cousin." Mush responded sullenly. "I get it, ya just watchin' out for ya own skin. We all gotta do it, but how were ya tryin' to save me?"

"He threatened to tell Adian about us. About my feelings for you, he'll kill you Mush." I shivered in fear as I thought about it. "He said I was his, that I would only be his and he would kill whoever touched me. I..........I couldn't let that happen. Then there was Molly to think about, he'd hurt her if he found she had helped me. I couldn't repay your kindness by getting either of you hurt or killed. I..........I........."

I couldn't continue as I sagged back on my bed. Mush released my arm as my hands flew to my face and the sobs broke free again. Slowly he knelt in front of me his hands on either side of my hips. Trying to draw on what little strength I had left I choked back my tears and looked at him bravely.

"Don't look at me like that." I ordered irritably. "I'm not a martyr. I don't need your pity. I did what I had to do to keep you and Molly safe. I'd do it over again; I'd walk through fire for either of you. You can hate me if you must, but please know I did what I had to do."

He buried his face in my lap; uncertainly I laid a hand on his head.

"I'm sorry." Came his muffled voice. "I'm sorry I said those things."

"Don't." I whispered, tears coming to my eyes once more. He raised his head and saw the sparkle of something in his eyes I had never seen. He blinked for a moment and wiped his nose with the edge of his sleeve. Gently he cupped my cheek in his hand, softly urging my head down. Unable to resist I waited with my breath held as he knelt, his face nearly level with mine as I sat on the bed.

Uncomfortable with the silence, I tried to pull my head back down, but he wouldn't let me. His thumb brushed my cheek in a gentle caress and I tried to turn away, but he was too strong. Gently he kissed my forehead, before kissing each of my cheeks. I did not move as he paused, his breath gently brushing my lips. He was poised only inches from me. I felt him hesitate and I waited. I found I was both afraid of his kiss and yet I wanted it. I needed it to get the taste of Spot from my mouth, and I wanted him to know that he was the only person I had wanted.

I hesitated for a moment; my morals still had not been thrown to the wind. Still it seemed silly to deny him now, when I no longer had anything to save. At the same time I was afraid to deny him. I would have given him anything in that moment if only to keep him with me. Shyly I moved toward him, my lips brushing his, giving permission. The fire that had raged between us since the moment we met was unleashed and burned through me as if it were cleansing me of Spot.

Mush's gathered me in his arms, lifting me, holding all of my weight as he rose, his lips never leaving mine. My feet brushed the floor for a moment before I felt the softness of my mattress beneath me. Memories batted at my mind though I fought them. The mattress felt lumpy, the smell of molding wood and dust assailed my nose. I struggled for a moment and lay still, knowing I could not fight him. The hands that touched me did not demand though, they coaxed and the memory was shattered. I opened my eyes to see Mush, only Mush looking down at me with sympathy as if he understood what I fought.

"I won't hurt ya Bianca." He whispered, kissing my temple before continuing. "And I won't force ya to do anythin' you don't want to."

His lips left my temple, trailing kisses down my neck, his hands roaming as I hadn't allowed Spot to. Mush's hands made me feel as though I was precious, his lips caressed with infinite gentleness. He untied the neck of my gown, his lips following, my breath caught as he hovered and then pulled himself away.

Neither of us said anything for a moment. Mush leaned above me, his strong arms trembling, his breathing ragged. The room was dark and I could not make out the expression on his face.

"Mush?" I asked, softly, fear and shame coloring my words.

"No." he replied. "I can't do this. I can't."

His warmth left, leaving only the cold of the room as he moved swiftly to the door. The light fell upon me and I squinted in the sudden brightness. Then he was gone, the door shutting behind him, leaving him in the light and me in the dark. I curled into a ball, hugging the remaining warmth and the scent of Mush to me, the smell of soap, newspapers, and man.

Tears assailed me for the last time and I sobbed, silent wracking sobs that tore at me every time they passed through me. I knew why he had left; I knew why he had torn himself from me. One man had caused a rift between us that would never heal. One man had come between us as he had come between Cinnamon and Mush. Spot Conlon, rage welled up in me as I thought of the smirking bastard. Mush would never want me now that Spot Conlon had had me.

For the first time in my life I wished I had been born a man. If I had I would choke the life from Spot with my bare hands. If I had I would not be in this quandary. My reputation would be boosted not tattered. I would feel elation not shame. I would feel nonchalant about my partner bolting from the room, not the pain of the heart broken. Each time I had been hurt by Mush I was certain it had broken my heart, and each time I pulled myself together. Really they were just cracks, in the mirror of my heart. This time the final crack had shattered it.

I lay sobbing until I was spent, and then I slowly crawled from my bed. The floor was colder this time, but I ignored, it. It was suitable for the penance I had already begun. The light flickering from the candle Molly had left gave me just enough light to find my rosary again.

'Our Father who art in heaven...................' I began again. Tears streaked my face as the beads slipped through my fingers, the prayers blending into each other as the night passed.

Emotions: Great! That means I'm doing my job. It was really a challenge for me because believe it or not I'm a huge Spot lover. I just had to use him here, he was perfect. Thank you for your review!

Rumor: A nice lovely long review, ahh, what more could a writer want? I did updated TTH daily, didn't I? I've just been so busy weekly is about all I can take. Especially since I have four other stories going. I was attempting blunt, I'm glad I achieved it. Poor Bi's naive as hell of course she's going to be swayed. I'll have to check it out, I've heard a lot of good things about it. Thanks for the review Grams! I always love them.

Smiley Cad: It was a pretty heavy chapter, watch out for more heaviness ahead. Hope you like it though.

Detroit: Hold on to your horses, it'll get better probably next chapter. Not yet, her knight is a little confused. As all men in real life are. Hope you enjoy

Falco: Sorry love, I can't help it, I put full responsibility on the muses. Love you too honey!

Frenchygoil: Yeah, I've heard it from everyone now, I've left each chapter at a cliffhanger, and ooops here's another. I'm glad you like how I'm using your character. It will happen soon! I do promise!

Alias19: Really, I do! That's awesome. She defiantly has a hard side, and for exactly the reason you pointed out. She'll snap out, just give it another chapter. Again on Mush give him another chapter; this will bring into light everything he feels about her.

Zorrina: Are you a new reviewer? I don't recognize your penname (just incase does infamous new reviewer dance.) He's a peace of work, and I say that proudly. I was afraid I'd loose some die-hard Spot fans over it. Hope you continue to enjoy.

Kez: Isn't it hard to drive the already crazy more so? Wow that's talent, I'm not sure it's a good one. I should be some kind of super hero. SuperCrazy, oh wait, I'm that anyway. Anyhoo, unpredictability is good. I always love the stories I can't predict. Hold in there Kez, there's some sunshine coming up.

The Good Girl: Hold on to those tears there's more up ahead. It's so nice to know that I've taken characters and changed them to the opposite of how they are always portrayed and still managed to keep people interested. I know a few Spot fans that are ready to be out for blood. Molly's not that much older than Bi or Mush. Only by about three or four years. Just old enough to be looked up to, especially since Mush and Jack have most of their lives. She is after all Medda's daughter and Jack's cousin. I don't remember her ever being afraid of Cinnamon. Where was that? It's horrible I've lost track of my own story. Thank you (momentarily preens under the compliments) I hope you continue to think so.


	19. Dark Absolution

The darkness faded from the sky in a wealth of the fiery colors of sunrise that slowly fade into the pastels of day. The rain made everything sparkle as if it had washed the world of its grime. It only served to remind me of my own feeling of uncleanliness. My eyes were gritty with the tears I had cried, and my knees ached from kneeling for hours at a time on the hard wood floor, in search of absolution. I glanced around the room taking everything in and I wanted to push it all away. I wanted to rip the dresses that hung prettily from their rack to silken shreds, I wanted to shatter the wood of my harp, and I wanted to burn the clothing that lay in a heap on the floor. My sewing scissors sat on the bureau and I snatched them up settling for cutting the ink stained clothes into small pieces.

"Bianca?" Molly's voice startled me from my task, as I had finished my blouse and was now starting on my skirt. "Stop, stop it."

She wrestled with me for the scissors and won as she pinned my wrist beneath her knee and took them from me. There was a fear in her eyes as she placed the scissors within her pocket, a fear that was founded, but that I didn't understand. I looked away struggling not to give into the tears yet again. They seemed never ending. I had read in books of people that had cried themselves dry, but the dry period never lasted for longer than a few hours.

Seeing I had lost I curled myself away from her, wanting nothing more than to throw myself in my bed and never get up again. I did not know how to handle the pain within me, a pain so deep and acute it made my chest burn and my hands tingle. The sobs seemed to have left me for that moment and the tears slid silently down my face to drip into a puddle on the floor.

"Come love, let's get ya into bed." Molly said softly pushing a tear dampened strand of hair from in front of my face. Gently she placed a hand under my arm and I allowed her help me stand, my legs crying out in protest at being straightened. I bit my lip against the pain and stumbled to my bed. Molly shoved me and I fell into it, rolling over to look at a sea of white contrasted with the dark wood of the naked beams in the ceiling. I was suddenly devoid of any energy and Molly tenderly tucked the covers in around me.

I heard the door shut and the sound of Molly's feet on the stairs, before silence descended upon me. I stared at the ceiling willing myself not to think, not to remember, not to hurt. Eventually my burning eyes closed and I slept.

The smell of a dust and mold filled me nostrils, I sneezed as I felt myself falling back across a lumpy mattress.

"Ain't so high and mighty, now are ya?" I heard his voice. It was soft almost a caress, but the sneering quality changed it to something vulgar. I could feel the scratchiness of the fabric that covered the mattress against my bare shoulders as he fumbled with the hook and eye fastenings across the front. He fumbled as he went as if he were either inexperienced or excited. With his experience it must have been excitement.

His lips were on my neck, causing me to squirm with an echo of the feelings Mush had invoked. It only made me feel even worse about the situation.

"Please." I whispered tearfully, I felt him stop as I raised my hand to push him away.

"Don't fight me Bi." He told me, forcing my chin up, my eyes met his, the intensity in them making me shiver. "Ya ain't gonna win, just sit back and enjoy it."

"How can I enjoy it?" I asked turning my head into the pillow that smelled as though it had never been washed. "I don't want it."

"Ya fight me and ya only gonna make it worse on yourself and Mush." Spot warned as he went back to what he was doing, forgetting my feelings in favor for sating his lust. Tears ran down my cheeks as I felt his hand under my skirt.

"No." the words I meant to come out in a scream only became a choked whisper. "No."

"Bianca." Molly's voice broke into my dream and I came up with a full throated scream. "Bianca, ya safe, it's alright."

I heard the pounding of feet across the floor as I slowly faded out of my dream and into the present. Molly's arms came around me cradling me as if I were a small child.

"Molly?" a soft voice asked, and I felt her turn her head toward it.

"Go back to bed Ellie, it's alright." Molly responded, as she rocked me back and forth. The footsteps faded, and I felt a drop of moisture hit the top of my head, it was followed by another. Molly took an uneven breath that told me she was crying. My heart sank further at the thought of causing her distress. I didn't know what I had done to cause her pain, but I hated myself for it. It never occurred to me that she was crying for me, for what had happened to me.

I tried not to sleep, afraid of the memories that would force me to relive it. It took nearly a day of full wakefulness before Molly cleverly snuck some laudanum into my tea. It made me sleep heavily and surprisingly with short dreams that made no sense.

"Ya have to talk to her." Molly's voice whispered into a dream where I sat at the side of a lake I had never seen, listening to the waves lap. It echoed across the water and I couldn't see her anywhere.

"I can't yet Molly." Mush's voice argued. "I'm not ready."

"You know she didn't want to." Molly returned. "She's having all the same reactions I've seen of the girls that have been raped. She wakes screaming from nightmares where she's reliving it. I've spent the night at her bedside, I can hear her arguing with him, I can hear her telling him no. I've heard her tearful whispers begging for forgiveness from ya. I've kept her drugged for the last few days terrified she'll do herself harm. She can't handle this alone and I can't help her. Only you can boyo."

"We ain't gonna let her hurt herself." Mush replied firmly.

"And what am I supposed to do if she wakes when I'm not there, I can't watch her forever, I've got borders to take care of." Molly protested. "Ya have to make it right."

The voices faded and I only rolled away to look at the trees that had been behind me. I'd rather enjoy the sound of the birds in the trees than the sound of Mush and Molly fighting over me.

When I finally woke it was to my surprise to find Ivy sitting at my bedside. I had never seen her anywhere but at the Swan and for a moment I was frightened I had been taken there. That Molly had decided she didn't want me.

"You're in your own bed." Ivy told me, placing a restraining hand on my shoulder. "My orders are to give you more laudanum when you wake. I thought I would give the choice to you."

I looked at her groggily for a moment, before leaning back against my pillows. I wondered if my dreams had been dreams or if I had actually overheard a conversation. It was too confusing to contemplate at the moment. I looked at Ivy who held a cup of tea in her hand as if questioning whether or not I wanted it.

"No." I replied, waving it away. "Unless there's enough in there for me to never wake up, take it away."

"Molly's too clever for that." Ivy said, placing the cup of tea on my night table. "She's taken everything out of here you could possibly do yourself harm with."

She dropped her hands into her lap, my eyes following the movement. I could see a scar tracing from one side of her wrist to the other.

"Have you........" I trailed off uncertain to ask the question I wanted to.

"Have I tried to take my own life?" Ivy finished for me. "Yes, though I did not cut it in the right way."

"What do you mean?" I asked, the idea had never crossed my mind before and I was certainly ignorant on what the right or wrong way to cut your wrists would be.

"If I could do it again," Ivy told me. "I'd cut from my wrist to my elbow, it would be quicker, though it's messy. Personally I'd much rather drown or drug myself into an early grave. Still, if you're in a pinch, you made do with what you have."

"I suppose so." I said absently, for the first time in my life I contemplated the idea of suicide. My heart ached at the thought, but my mind leapt at the idea. It would solve all my problems. My cousin would have no one to look for, I would never have to see the condemning look on Mush's face, nor face the idea of selling myself to survive.

"If you have the opportunity Bianca, I'd take it." Ivy said softly. "Trust me when I say the monetary gain in the only profession left to you is not worth it. Death is by far the better choice."

She rose with a swish of silk and started for the door. I watched as she started for the door, her skirts swishing on the floor, uncertain of what to think. The moment she reached the door she stopped and turned back to look at me. Our eyes met and the aching sorrow in my heart was matched by the look in her eyes. Then she was gone, leaving me in the darkening room, with a silent boarding house.

I lay there staring at the ceiling once again, willing my mind to blankness. I glanced away only when the door opened admitting a well muscled man. I sat up with a start as he lit the candle on my bureau. The light flickered off his golden skin making him seem part of the sunset.

"Gonna work at the Swan hmm?" He asked, leaning against the bureau and looking at me. I backed against the tarnished headboard my eyes wide. "Ya succeeded past where Cinnamon ever dreamed of."

"I never said I would work there, though your aunt brought up such a proposition." I said stiffly, my voice scratchy with disuse. "It was her suggestion I turn to Spot since you had left."

"I thought ya did it to save me." He responded, his eyes shimmering in the dancing flame of the candle. It was single bit of light in the dark and dreary room.

"I did, I went to the Brooklyn Lodging House to tell Spot no, and when he threatened you I agreed." I sighed. "You can call me a liar if you like, but I know the truth."

Silence fell over the room and I wrapped my arms around my legs wishing this interview could be over. I wanted nothing more than to turn my attention to the wall, or better yet loose myself in the laudanum laced tea that still sat on my nightstand.

"Why didn't ya come to me?" he asked finally, I looked up to see him watching me. There was still pain lingering in his eyes. "I would've protected ya. I wouldn't have let him hurt ya, I would've taken care of it for ya."

"How was I supposed to come to you?" I returned his question with a question of my own. "I was supposed to come running to the man that single handedly ruined my reputation and broke my heart. I was supposed to turn to you to help me? That would require me to trust you and you haven't proven very trust worthy."

"Ya didn't have to go to Spot." Mush protested anger coloring his voice. His anger lit my own allowing me to feel something other than pain for the first time in days.

"What does it matter, your reputation hasn't been hurt at all." I snapped. "They're probably clapping you on the back for having the girl that Spot Conlon had to take second with. Congratulations Mush you beat him again."

"You know the truth." Mush hissed back. It seemed both of us were better at dealing with anger than pain. "I know the truth. I know he put his filthy hands all over my girl."

"That's where your wrong Mush." I said coolly. "I wasn't your girl. You never gave me that distinction. I gave you that chance. I asked you what your feelings were and you couldn't tell me. You never made a claim on me."

He was across the room in three great strides, his hands closing over my shoulders and he wrenched me from the bed. The dark was closing in on us, once again enfolding us in its grasp, when the rules of the daytime no longer hold sway.

"You were mine." He growled, his eyes dark with the emotions that swirled through them. "From the moment I found ya on the street ya were mine. Whether ya knew it or not, ya were mine."

I could smell the alcohol on his breath; it stung me with warm stinging scent. He swayed a little, telling me he was not sober. It had taken liquid courage for him to come here and confront me.

"Get your hands off me you filthy street rat." I cried, tearing myself free. "Neither you nor Spot are good enough to touch me. I regret the day I ever tried to save you. I should've told Spot to go to hell and let Adian have you."

"These hands weren't too good for ya a few weeks ago." Mush told me, grabbing my wrists and pulling me close to him. "Ya didn't mind them wanderin' before. I could've had ya Bi, I could've had ya flat on ya back beggin' me."

"I was a fool, but I would have never begged you." I told him firmly. It was a challenge, a light lit in his eyes, answering the gauntlet I had thrown down. His mouth descended on mine before I could pull away, it was hard and rough. A punishment for what had gone between us. I fought him, biting his lip and making him swear.

"I ain't ever been turned down." He laughed licking away the blood I had drawn, as he backed me into the wall. His hands pinned mine above my head leaving me helpless against him. Tears filled my eyes and my body went limp, just as it had with Spot. I turned my head away from him knowing he was stronger than me, knowing I couldn't stop him. "Ya ain't gonna do that with me. Ya gonna want this."

His lips were gentle as they touched my cheek kissing away the salty tear. He winced as the salt touched the wound at his mouth. His kiss brushed past my ear, causing me to shiver at his breath tickled me. I willed myself to remain still, but his lips touched my sensitive throat, whispering along it causing my muscles to tense and my breath to shorten.

"Mush." I whispered. "Please, please don't make me hate you too."

He stopped then, the fight sagging out of him, as he dropped his head for a moment. He was fighting for control, I could feel it. Slowly he raised his face to mine, the sadness there nearly making me whimper. I wiggled my wrist free and he didn't stop me. We stood on the threshold of something, what it was I couldn't grasp.

"Don't turn me away princess." He said in a voice that was almost inaudible. "Ya gave to him what ya wouldn't give to me. Ya let him have what I've been strugglin' not to take."

"If I let you now, you'll have no respect for me." I whispered struggling against myself; I slipped from his grasp and turned to the window. The windows of the Swan blazed against the gathering night. The sounds of a piano whispered through the dark laced with laughter. "You don't have to worry about me working at the Swan. I never want to be touched like that again. I never want to feel that pain and humiliation. I don't understand why people want to do that. It's brought new understanding as to why the church preaches against it outside the confinements of creating a child."

"He hurt ya." Mush said softly, as though the thought never occurred to him. "Wasn't he even a bit gentle?"

"He was rather single-minded.' I responded, coloring at my words. "Perhaps had I not been a conquest, a way to get back at you and to get revenge on myself, it would have been different. If it can be different for a woman."

"It can be different." Mush assured me his hands cupping my shoulders gently. His hand brushed my hair to one shoulder, his lips brushing the base of my neck. I shuddered in remembrance of the last time I had stood looking out a window, as a man kissed my neck. I stiffened, but he turned me in his arms, his eyes were now surprisingly warm.

"Forgive me." I whispered. "Leave me if you must, but please forgive me."

"I forgive ya." He replied quietly, his arms coming about me as though to shelter me from such thoughts. He licked his lips as though to prepare himself, just before he dipped his head and he kissed me. It was his gentleness that was always my undoing. It had banished away the remembrances of Adian before and now Spot. His hands tangled in my hair and I allowed myself to be lost. To feel the stirrings within my body I had only begun to taste previously. "Forgive me."

We had hurt each other and when you looked at the scales it was even between us. His indiscretion with Cinnamon and betrayal of my trust, was matched by my defection to Spot. His hands cupped my cheeks as if I were a delicate treasure, his kisses were sweet promises. His lips caressed my neck; his hands ran up my back and down to my waist. My nightgown hadn't been retied after our last encounter and his lips dipped lower.

"Bianca." He whispered, his breath warm against my chest as he paused. "Do ya want this?"

"Yes." I replied nervously, his lips returned to my neck as he lifted me in his arms and moved to my bed. The mattress was soft against my back not lumpy, they smelled of soap and sunshine, the man that held me was gentle and sweet. Still I was afraid; I had never received anything other than pain when it came to the act of love. For him I was willing to bear the pain if it only granted him a moment of pleasure.

"Don't be afraid.' He told me. "Trust me."

I nodded closing my eyes and allowed him to do what he would. I did not remain still and unresponsive with Mush. He ruthlessly sought out what made my breath come in gasps and my heart to race.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked me, as he leaned above me, his eyes telling me he would stop if I requested it. I shook my head and drew him down, shivering in fear despite myself. "Open your eyes Bi. I don't want ya to hide. I want ya to know it' me. I want to see what ya feelin' in ya eyes"

I opened my eyes trustingly, his meeting mine and holding. I found more than pleasure in his arms, I found the absolution I had been praying for.

"You're mine Bianca." He whispered, as he lay next to me, my body curled around him. My ear pressed to his heart where I could hear the unsteady beat of it. Gently his hand swept up my back to lift my head into a position that he could look me in the eye once more. "Ya'll never again let another man touch ya. Ya understand me? If I ever catch ya with another man, I'll kill him and then I'll kill you."

"I'll abide by that rule as long as you do." I replied levelly. "I won't be made out a fool and wait patently by while you toy with other women."

He looked at me for a moment before nodding his agreement. I wondered as I settled back at his side what this meant. Where did we stand now? Where did this leave our relationship? I was much too sensible to trust he would settle down for marriage. I looked up at him, his dark lashes splayed across his cheekbones. Though I longed for such a commitment, I did not dare hope for it.

Smiley Cad: I hope this makes up for the sadness of last chapter. I'm pretty used to the 'you are crazy looks'. Or the special smiles, they come about as frequently. It's pretty cool that you get excited to see my work. Thanks!

Erinkathleen: now there's a pen name I haven't seen in a while. Yeah I have the time to update lately. Thanks for the review.

Zorrina: Cool, thanks for jumping on board. It's beautiful, awe, what a sweet compliment. I'll try to keep it up.

Emotions: Better? It's not exactly the most happy go lucky chapter, but what can really be expected? Darkness fades slowly. Thank you!

Ali: Is that really you? Oh honey I missed you! My favorite romantic disappeared for so long. I was going to draw it out longer, but then you reviewed and I thought I'd post a romantic chapter for my favorite hopeless romantic. The happiness of my reviewers was swayed by you, such power you hold. It's really sweet of you to say you look up to me. Loved the pun there, it was great! Keep reviewing; I thought I had lost quite a few of you when TTH ended. By the way did you seen the authors cut I've started?

Falco: -revives- is this chapter enough to bring you back from the dead? I've ended the horrible cliffhangers, there's a little bit of one, but it ends relatively happy. Hope you enjoyed it.

Spot-the-emu: I thought I'd lost you a while back. It's nice to see you back. I've been looking to see if anyone reviewed on yours site, but my computer says the site doesn't exist any longer. Crazy. I impressed you, wow that's a far cry from the boredom I originally invoked. That's great! I really try to update as quickly as the muses will allow. It's nice to know you're reading even if you don't review very often. Thank you!

Riot: I reviewed the last chapter right? I can't wait for the next one, Spot is such a clever bastard. He is a cold fish, isn't it fun. Thank you, it is difficult to take a happy go luck Disney character and make him the bad guy. Still the great part about Newsies is how underdeveloped all the characters are. So, perhaps it's not as difficult as previously thought. More interactions, but this time it' kind of a healing fight. Update soon!

J.P.: The hell I say? Yup you are a certified Baleaholic. Not that I blame you in the least he is quite good looking! Thank you. You've got my number don't ya. I'll call you soon!

Voided: Wow, that's really sweet thank you. Yeah, Mush is a confused male ( not hard to imagine) and Spot's an ass. I love making him the bad guy. He's so much fun. I'll have to check out your story. Thanks for the review, and I hope to read more of them.

Pricilla2: I understand, I just couldn't wait to post it. Thank you, I have talent, that's great to hear. I'm glad I can transport you, that's half the fun of reading. Thank you again!

J.P.: I'll give you two responses since I love ya so much. Yay! I'm mighty? Uh oh, Dan's gonna have some trouble with that head swelling compliment. Thank you. Love ya!


	20. In the Light of Day

Whispers soared in and out of my dreamless sleep, teasing me to wakefulness, like ghosts swirling on the stale air of an abandoned house. I felt the rather soft, slightly lumpy feeling of a mattress that is well used and broken down under me. I stirred moaning a little as I turned my head from the light, that I only now realized was shining in my face. An arm tightened around my waist and a male groaning sigh whispered from next to me.

It was the last that brought me flying awake with a gasp of fright. Glancing down I saw the face of Mush, sleeping peacefully at my side. The sun touched his bare muscled shoulder making it glow golden. His arm was still draped around my waist and it tugged, attempted to tug me into lying back next to him. The sound of someone whistling and the murmur of voices let me know, Molly's boarders were up and getting ready for their day. Damn it that meant Molly was awake, and she would not be happy once she found Mush in my room. I glanced at the window wondering if I could sneak him out of it.

"She's gonna find out, I hear her step on the stairs now." his voice startled me from my thoughts with an uncanny echoing of them. My gasp this time was more of a stifled shriek, as I hauled the blanket up to my neck and looked wide eyed at Mush. He just gave me a sleepy grin before he stretched. "I'm runnin' late."

He didn't seem to disturbed by that notion, nor of the fact that Molly's footsteps had indeed stopped just outside my door, and I could hear the rattle of her hand on the doorknob. With a muffled shriek I pulled the sheet up over my head as Mush sat up looking extremely self satisfied.

"What the hell?" Molly cried, I winced, it may very well be the first time I had heard her curse. This wasn't looking good. "What the bloody hell." As doors opened and curious heads poked out, she stepped inside my room and shut the door. "I told ya to talk with her Mush, not take advantage of her."

"She didn't seem to mind the advantage." Mush said lazily, as he reached for the pants that lay on the floor next to the bed. I glanced about for my nightgown only to catch a glimpse of something white in the bare rafters above my head. I closed my eyes in mortification. "As a matter of fact I think she down right enjoyed it."

"I'm sure she did." Came Molly's retort. "and what are ya gonna do if she's with child?"

Mush stopped dead, his face became expressionless. His face did not change as he stood and he pulled his pants over his gloriously nude hips. Molly's eyes were trained on his face roses burning brightly in her fair cheeks.

"Didn't think of that did ya?" Molly snapped. "Like most men, ya took advantage of a girl in an extreme vulnerable moment. Ya had what ya wanted and the moment she ends up with child, she'll follow the same path ya ma did. Lillly's just dyin' to snatch up a sweet little morsel like Bi. Sounds like a familiar story ya know. Ya son raised in a whore house, by whore until Bi can't take it anymore and kills herself. How's it feel Mush? Ya know what the bible says about sins of the father, looks like it was right."

"I ain't my father." Mush hissed with a fury I had yet to witness. He slammed his fist into the wall with a force that made me jump, and left a hole. "I ain't ever gonna be my father."

"And what do I do with her?" Molly growled easing a little in the face of his wrath. "I've been watchin' her night and day tryin' to keep her from harmin' herself. What's she gonna do when ya gone and she realizes the mistake she made?"

"Bianca get dressed." Mush said, his eyes on Molly. "If watchin' ya's gettin' to much for Molly, ya can come with me today while I sell my papes."

"Now Mush that ain't what I meant." Molly back peddled as quickly as she could. "I don't want Bi out in the streets, I don't want the other boys gettin' ideas about her."

"They ain't gonna get ideas about her." Mush told her forcefully. "She's gonna be with me and nobody's gonna look at my girl like that. Get out Molly."

Molly said nothing to Mush, only gave me an appraising look telling me quite clearly, if I were to come back that night I had better not intend on Mush sleeping with me. I blushed clear to the roots of my hair and Mush shot Molly a glare that sent her on her way.

I found myself feeling rather like a large doll as Mush tucked and hooked me into my clothing. I had never met a man that knew so well of how to get the trappings of womanly clothing on. I had assumed he had quite a bit of skill at getting a woman out, but for some reason I hadn't thought he would have know how to get me in.

"I used to help me ma and her friends at the Swan dress, back before Lilly was the owner." Mush told me yet again reading my mind, or perhaps just the confused look on my face. Glancing back at him I saw his eyes were soft and full of sorrow.

"What was your mother's name?" I asked softly, almost afraid to question him about the woman that he obviously still missed.

"Rose." He said simply as I buttoned the closure on my skirt and he reached for his hat. For the first time in the entire time I had known him he opened up to me. "Her real name though was Emma Rose, she was the first "Rose" at the Swan. Lilly convinced her to take the job when she became pregnant with me, and my rich grandfather threw her out. Lilly had already started to make her own way years before. She was a little too wild for my grandfather's tastes; he couldn't handle it when my ma followed in her footsteps. That's how she's taken the Swan from a dive to the most expensive whorehouse in the district; she's lived it so she knows what they want."

"Your grandfather was rich?" I looked at him in surprise. "Who was your grandfather?"

"Alistair Campbell." Mush told me with a faint smile. "Fat lot of good it does me. Ma told me one time his heart failed him only days after she left. My grandfather's money went to a distant cousin rather than his disappointing daughters. Old bastard would deserve hell right now. Lilly may have been cut out for the life, she almost thrived on disappointing the old man, but my ma couldn't live with it. Nor the fact that me da threw her over for someone else once he found she was pregnant."

"Oh." I whispered finding the fact Lilly had offered me "Rose's" position at the Swan ironic. There was nothing else I could really say to him, I wanted to comfort him, but I had a feeling he wouldn't accept it.

He opened the door and gestured for me to precede him, which I did, starting down the stairs. At the bottom Molly waited her arms crossed, and her most disapproving look on her face, as Mush glared at her. He said nothing, only took my hand and pulled me out the door.

As we stepped into the morning light, the breeze caught some leaves that lay on the ground, sending them swirling about us. I felt like those leaves. I didn't know what to make of my life. My mind was swirling with all the information that had been thrust before it in such a short span of time. The one question though that kept coming back was, what had I done last night? What had I done?

My life was in shambles, my morals thrown to the wind, my self-respect shattered. I felt as though I had been tested and weighed, only to find I had come up short. The only consolation to the choices I had made lately was, I had Mush back for now. The real question though was how long would it last? How long would it be before I was no longer a novelty? Before he no longer had to work for me and therefore would make me boring in his eyes. Was he worth the pain that would come later at my expense? Was he worth it to bargain my reputation and self worth for his pleasure and adoration even if it only lasted for a short time?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as my heart cried out yes. My mind reasoned that I was already in too far, my reputation was in tatters and nothing would mend it. What would I do when that time came? My heart clenched and I turned away from that train of thought. I knew my choices would be bleak and Ivy was right. Either way would be a suicide of sorts. The real question was which was the lesser of the sins. Glancing at Mush for a moment before looking away I knew that the sin of suicide would be less that a lifetime of fornication.

'What if you carry Mush's child?' a small voice I had been trying to ignore asked. Fear filled my heart and tears filled my eyes. Perhaps death would be better even for the unborn. I would not inflict this world I had come to know on an innocent. Especially with the taint of a bastard on it's head. My hand shook as I laid it on the stiff stays of my corset.

"What's wrong?" Mush asked startling me from my thoughts. I could feel his worried gaze on me. My eyes flew to his and I attempted to hide the emotions warring within me.

"Nothing." I said weakly waving my hand as though to dismiss the thought, with a laugh that sounded nervous even to my ears. He narrowed his eyes, but thankfully did not question me further. I suddenly wished I could go back into my bedroom and it forever be night.

I blushed as I remembered the activities of the night ,and felt shame for how much I had enjoyed it. As a result there was an awkwardness about Mush and I. It seemed he understood what I was feeling even if he didn't' feel the same. One could not feel ashamed for something they had not been taught to be ashamed for.

I could remember the men in my circle when my parents had been alive patting each other on the back for such behavior. I now understood what the euphemisms they had used meant. I shuddered at the realization, my knowledge of the crude had expanded with my general knowledge of the world; good always comes with the bad. A knowledge of reality brought with it doses of things I would have left out if it were possible.

"Are ya alright?" Mush asked softly stopping and turning me to him. I was self-conscious; people were streaming around us, on their way to work or some other errand. I glanced about me before nodding in a manner that was not particularly convincing. "If that's how it's gonna be."

He was angry as he let go and turned to weave his way through the crowd again. Afraid to loose him I pushed my way to him and grabbed his arm.

"I am not certain what you think Mush. I don't even know what I think." I said fear rising in my breast. The idea that he would leave me nearly choked me. It made me babble the words that were flashing through my mind. My frustration and fear poured out of me and I had no control over it. "I only know that I have taken a path I swore I never would and I am not certain how to continue down this way. I do not know how to be a mistress. I was trained to be a wife, the wife of a rich man. I cannot guess how to act now."

"Ya not my mistress Bianca, ya my girl." Mush said roughly, a few people turned to stare at us and I felt the blush climbing in my cheeks.

"It's funny how you act as though there were a difference." I said bitterly looking away. "Without a marriage I am still disobeying every rule I was ever taught. I don't know how to handle this Mush, I don't know how to deal with what my life has become. This isn't what I wanted, this isn't what I want to be."

He could see how hard it was for me struggling in the midst of people that were very interested in our plight. Despite the fact we were street rats even the businessmen seemed interested. Sighing he took my hand and lead me back into an alley where the people passed at the mouth and no one would be scrutinizing what was said.

"What do ya want?" he asked his voice quiet. My heart thudded in my chest and I couldn't look at him. He raised my chin and forced me to meet his eyes. "Ya want marriage don't ya?"

"You aren't ready, I understand." I said my words tripping over themselves in their effort to come out. If he walked away now I'd fall apart. "I'll stay with you as long as you want me Mush."

"And then what?" he questioned, his voice now emotionless. Was that a flash of fear in his eyes? He must be afraid of what I would do when he was gone.

"I don't know. I'll figure something out Mush." I replied looking to the side. " I'll find another job somewhere. Leave behind what's happened and the people that will look down on me for it. Maybe one day I'll find someone that doesn't mind marrying a girl that was foolish in her past and gave everything up for love."

I looked at the wall a few feet away; I knew the words were a lie. I wouldn't find such a man, and I wouldn't want such a man. There was only one man I wanted and if he didn't want me I wasn't sure what I would do.

"Ya think ya foolish for lovin' me?" he asked, there was anger tingeing his words, and a touch of regret. "What if Molly's right and ya pregnant princess? Ya can't raise a child on ya own, ya can't hope to provide for it on ya own. Not without becomin' what ya don't want to and I ain't lettin' my child grow up like I did."

"And what are you going to do about it?" I asked in frustration throwing my hands up. "You don't want marriage, but you don't want me to leave. Do you think I haven't thought of all this since Molly slapped us in the face with it? I'm educated Mush, I have friends that would help me with a recommendation for a governess position. You don't have to take care of me because it's your duty."

Lies, lies, lies, all lies. I was burring myself deeper, but I couldn't let him know that I would fall apart when he left. What little pride I had left refused. It was an opinion, but I wasn't strong enough to take it.

"What if I want to take care of my duty?" he asked looking away.

"Come on Mush." I whispered feeling the tears gathering and I blinked them back, forced myself to continue despite the waver in my voice. I wanted nothing more than a proposal from him, but he was a newsie. A boy-man that wasn't ready quite yet to grow up and I couldn't force him. I wouldn't have him resent me for that. "You'll tire of me and then one day you'll find a good girl to marry and carry your children. Not a stupid girl who wasted herself on the wrong man."

"The wrong man is it?" I looked him in the eyes as he said it in a self-depreciating tone.

"Not you." I whispered tearfully. "Spot."

"Forget Spot." Mush said softly backing me into the wall. I could feel the bricks in my back and the smell of the rubbish only feet away. A woman hung her laundry on the line above us and tactfully obverted her gaze. "What happened that night, never happened."

"And what happened last night?" I questioned as the tears spilled down my cheeks. Gently he brushed them away.

"Magic." He told me kissing my forehead. His arms came around me, and my fears left. It was amazing how he could make me feel safe even if he was my fear. "You were magic."

I closed my eyes as he kissed me, loosing myself in the emotions he set free. I now understood what made women fools. I had been disdainful of such women when I had been rich. Then marriage had been about money and love had been for fools. I had been right, but I had never thought to find myself caught in the same trap.

He pulled away and took my hand leading me back down the alley and into the crowded streets. If I tried to make my way back I knew I would be lost. Finally we reached a gated area. The gates had been thrown back and only a few of the boys remained waiting resolutely for papers. Mush did not get in the back of the line as I expected, instead he made his way to the front, pushing the next in line back.

"Ya askin' for it Mush." The boy said his eyes glaring at Mush in a manner that frightened me.

"Cheeze it Blaze." Mush said, laying money down on the counter. "Hundred papes."

"Ya can't come waltzin' in here late and expect us who's been waitin' and got here on time to the back." Blaze continued. He fumed as the papers were laid on the counter in front of Mush, and Mush hefted them to his shoulder.

"Seniority, ya know the rules." Mush replied coolly. "I did my waitin', now get ya papes before there's none left."

"Ya bastard." Blaze hissed, attempting to push past the boys that were holding him back.

"What's goin' on here?" everyone stopped dead as Jack Kelly's voice broke through the courtyard and echoed off the walls.

"Mush's cuttin' in line 'cause he spent the night fuckin' his whore." Blaze spat, his face flushed with anger. He opened his mouth to continue, but thought better of it when Jack jumped in front of Mush and pushed him back.

"Back off Mush." Jack said between clenched teeth as he tried to hold Mush back. Mush subsided remotely, though from the look on his face I wouldn't have wanted to be Blaze. "Blaze ya know the seniority rule, Mush I got some words for ya though."

Jack ignored me as he led Mush to an alley just past the edge of the gates. He took a seat on a broken crate across from us, and gestured for Mush to sit as he lit a cigarette.

"What do ya want Kelly?" Mush growled, sitting as his leader bade him, his eyes narrowing once again, as he took the fresh cigarette Jack offered and the matches.

"I wanted to talk to ya about this girl." Kelly said, breathing out a cloud of cigarette smoke and still ignoring me. I felt the irritation building within me, how dare he talk about me as if I weren't there. "Are ya out of ya mind? I know she's a pretty piece of flesh, but ya don't need trouble from the likes of her. Haven't ya already walked this line before?"

"Don't worry about it Jack." Mush said in a quietly deadly voice, which told Jack not to push it. Jack's eyes flashed with anger at Mush's tone and he pointed his finger at Mush with the cigarette still between his first two fingers.

"I can't not worry about it Mush." Jack snapped. "I've already covered ya ass with Blink. I've smoothed things out with Spot, now ya going around with Spot's current whore?"

"Shut ya mouth Jack." Mush growled, his eyes flashing and his body rigid. He ran a hand through his hair taking his hat from his head. He didn't seem to care."What happened between Bianca and Spot ain't none of ya business."

"It's my business when she starts playin ya between her and Spot just like Cinnamon." Jack hissed, he glared at me as if I were the vilest creature he had ever seen. I felt tears prick my eyes and I wanted the ground to swallow me. Mush stood, stepping between us, blocking me from Jack's view.

"She ain't gonna do that." Mush's voice was deadly calm. "Spot used her, blackmailed her, and hurt her, to get at me. That's all there is to the story, she ain't playin' both sides and she ain't Cinnamon. She ain't got enough deceit in her to be Cinnamon."

"I'm sorry then." Jack said though he still sounded skeptical. "I ain't gonna be responsible if she does hurt ya though."

"We've discussed that." Mush reassured him, his voice turning dark. "She knows what's gonna happen if she toys with me."

Mush leaned over to pick up his hat and I saw the gleam of understanding in Jack's eyes. He knew just as I did, Mush's retaliation would be swift and lethal.

"Alright then." Jack said his eyes on my promising me that he would not be idle. He too would exact his revenge and it would be far worse than Mush's. I nodded my agreement and he looked away. I wondered resentfully if there would be any retribution if he hurt me."The harbor today?"

"Nah," Mush replied falling into step with his old friend, his hand slipping into mine and tugging me along. "I got Bi with me today, I thought I'd try Central Park."

"Use the girl," Jack advised, "She's got a sweet mug and the business men'll eat her up."

"Thanks Jack." Mush replied as Jack turned to his right and followed the street the opposite direction Mush was towing me in.

Zorrina: He was probably still a little drunk. He can be a sweetie can't he?

Riot: You.......you....... snot you. You'd better update soon. The fate of DTD may depend on you. No pressure or anything. Wow I caused that much emotion? Dude! Thank you, your compliments are really sweet. I'm actually currently working on a fantasy fiction I would love to get published. Hence the slower updates. Can't wait for your next one!

Pricilla2: I think you may have mentioned that, but I love hearing it! Thank you honey, that's really sweet!

The Good Girl: Yup they sure did. Thanks for the complements! As for where they stand, I'm not certain I know, it's all in the hands of the muses. I wonder what they have planned...........................

Queen Kez: Yeah, I'm a Drama Queen, can't help it. I love adding in twists and new problems, I think if my poor characters were real they'd kill me for what I put them through. Sorry the updates have been slower, I got a great idea for a story that might be publishable and the muses are forcing me to take my writing time and devote it to that. I'm at their mercy right now and their whim, but we'll see. Thanks for the review!

Grams: I sobered your mood. Oops sorry. Thanks for catching that blooper, I'll fix it. I try to make my characters have dimension. Really I do. Hey I'm working on a possible publishable fiction, you interested in telling me what you think? It's non-newsies. You promised me from the beginning you'd tell me if something sucks. At the same time I trust you not to crush my feelers. Glad you enjoyed it grams. Hope you liked this one, even if it was transitional.

Frenchy Goil: Sorry honey, but look at it this way at least you don't have to wonder long what's happening. You didn't think I was going to make it easy did you? I know I'm evil. Hope you liked it.

Falco: I take it you like it. I'm not sure if some of that was internet speak or if you were just babbling. Thank you honey. Oh and the muses thank you for waffles.

Dreamer: I did? Really? Wow thanks honey. I could use some sunshine and rainbows, so could poor Bianca. You want me to off Ivy? Ahh, poor Ivy. Don't worry Adian's about to be dealt with and happiness will happen I promise! Miss you honey. Oh and I have a WOT update coming soon too.

Voided: Sure, I'd love to read it, when you post it. I've checked a couple of times and you haven't gotten around to it yet. I've really tried to step away from the norm with Mush. I really feel he could have been in the movie just as he is here. People just take the easiest role and toss him in it. Hope you continue to read. Thanks for the review!


	21. Dark Waters

Selling newspapers was not easy business. You had to have a talent for it, or you starved, I personally would have starved. I watched Mush sell from a few feet away with awe. He seemed to know exactly which ploy to try with which person, only a handful brushed him off. It was rather boring after a while though, and when the end of the day came I was grateful for it. I found I had spent so much of my time working, that I was unable to sit still doing nothing. The day dragged by slowly, and was only alleviated by a trip to a vendor for lunch.

By the time we finished the day I was exhausted just from shear boredom. To my surprise we did not go back to Molly's, instead, we stopped just in front of a building I had only seen once. It was not a building that stuck out, in fact if it hadn't had a green and gold sign hanging above it that read Newsboy Lodging House, I would have never known what it was. I glanced at Mush curiously, but he was eyeballing something to the side. He seemed to be shifting something around in his mind. With a nod to himself, he looked at me, gave me a smile, and took my hand. I followed, not certain I had another choice in the matter.

We stopped just in front of a rusted fire escape, and I looked at him before looking back at it. The ladder, which at one time had probably slid down to touch the ground, was missing, and it did not look particularly sturdy. His smile did not change, as he wrapped his hands around my waist and lifted me to the first platform. I sat on the edge of it for a moment, before scooting away, as he set his hands on either side of the edge and effortlessly hoisted himself up. It was always a marvel to me to see his strength no matter how small a display of it.

He said nothing, as he shooed me up the fire escape slowly, as it was squeaky and he did not seem to want to call attention to us. It was a four level building. The bottom two floors were lit welcomingly, in the gathering gloom of dusk, glowing almost golden in the fading sunlight. As we passed the second floor I found it filled with boys each in various stages of dress and in various activities. It reminded me slightly of Brooklyn on that fateful day. I shivered at the thought, and found Mush's threadbare coat suddenly resting on my shoulders. It had been a chilly day, one that whispered of the snow to come, and hinted of a nasty winter. Glancing back at Mush, I hoped he had warmer clothing than the torn trousers he always wore.

I glanced in the window as we passed the third floor. The room facing us was dark, but the door had been left open and I saw a flash of red hair as someone passed by. Long red hair, suddenly I wasn't certain this was a good idea at all. There was only one girl with red hair in the Manhattan Lodging House, and that was Cinnamon. The last thing I needed was another run in with her. Mush put a finger to his lips and gestured for me to continue to the fourth floor. Just as we reached the end of the fire escape, Mush slipped past me and opened a window just above the final platform. Next to it, a set of bars had been set into the wall, which I assumed led to the roof. He helped me inside before slipping in himself, and fumbling near the window for something. As the scent of a lit match filled the air , and the glow of a candle lit the room, I knew what it had been.

Glancing about I realized the room was littered with old broken crates, bunk beds, and other various bits of furniture. The wind whistled down the fireplace that looked as though it had been used recently. A mattress lay on the floor next to it, and blankets lay puddled upon it. It smelled musty and slightly moldy. I tried to suppress the second shiver, never again would I be able to walk into an older building and not remember Spot.

"Is this your room?" I asked innocently, glancing at him and he chuckled while he set about lighting the fire.

"When I fancy it to be." Mush replied softly. "We have to be quiet, there may be two floors between Kloppman and us, but I swear the old man can hear a pin drop a mile away."

"What is this place?" I questioned, my voice dropping, as I looked around for somewhere to sit. The bed wasn't an option, it would give him ideas and I was still struggling with everything. I hadn't stopped struggling all day. Just because I hadn't spoken to him about it since this morning, didn't mean the thoughts were spinning about in my brain, attempting to find some resolution.

"It's a little hiding place." Mush said, glancing at me as the fire in the fireplace caught, the light from the window matched the light from the fire, a golden-red glow. It was a glow that reminded me of the fires of hell. I shivered again I couldn't shake these thoughts. I couldn't stop the litany; I was beginning to think this way of life was going to drive me mad. "The boys and I sometimes bring girls here to be alone when they don't got a place for some privacy."

The implications of his statement took a moment to sink in. My eyes widened as he grinned at me in a particularly wolfish manner, and I backed away. I looked to the window and the faint smell of mold made me panic. But I had not time to react, I was frozen as Mush stood and made his way toward me. His arms slipped around my waist and his head dipped to brush my lips with his own. When I didn't respond he looked at me probingly.

"Please take me home Mush." I pleaded, looking up at him. Anger was slowly building within me as my understanding became more and more clear. He had brought me here to spend some time with me, but not as I wished to spend time with him. There could only be one thing Mush Meyers wanted from me in this room, and my cheeks stained with color as I realized it.

"What's wrong?" he asked, a completely befuddled look crossing his face, which only enraged me further. How dare he treat me like this? I had given in, I had been weak, and I had lost his respect. I wasn't certain what angered me more, the fact I had been stupid enough to lose his respect, or that he was treating me with such a lack of.

"I thought you were better than Spot Conlon." I said stiffly. "I see I was wrong."

His actions reflected my tone as he stiffened and looked at me with such a look of dumbfoundment and hurt, that I bit my lip. I wanted to soothe that look from his face, but I knew if I caved now, I would be exactly what his friends had professed me to be. If I didn't not face him down, I would be another tick mark on his long list of girls.

"How's that?" he asked, his eyes flashing with anger and his voice deceptively neutral. I wasn't fooled; I had known him long enough to know when I had angered him. The calmer and more emotionless he got, the angrier he was. Gauging by his reaction now I had pushed him possibly farther than I ever had before.

"No, but you'll take everything you can get while you want it." I said hurt coloring my words. "You have no respect for me, bringing me here tonight proves it. You say I'm not your mistress Mush, but you'll treat me like one. If I lay on that bed tonight I'll be nothing better than what your fellow newsies think of me. I'll be your whore and nothing else. I can't do that. I can't, I can't allow you to cheapen me like that."

"Then don't." he said simply and without feeling. His hand wrapped around my upper arm and he dragged me to the window. I felt tears spilling down my cheeks that I didn't even know had gathered. I did not struggle, though I wanted to as he pulled me down the fire escape, and through the streets, until after only a few blocks I found myself in front of Molly's.

"Mush." I said softly, looking up at him with a pleading expression. "I'm sorry I compared you to Spot, I know I hurt you, but don't you see what you're doing to me."

"Save it." Mush snapped, finally showing some of the anger rolling under the surface. I watched him walk away with a sinking heart. I might have just made the biggest mistake of my life, but for all my musings earlier I realized I couldn't play his mistress. Mush had said it when he first met me I wasn't made to be a mistress; I was made to be a wife. I had said it myself earlier and I wasn't going to settle for less.

"So ya back." I looked up at the doorway to see Molly standing ther,e her arms akimbo and an unreadable expression on her face. "Come in then."

I said nothing only followed her inside, my heart too heavy to do anything more than to make my way up to my room. The sheets were still rumpled from the night before, a memory that brought a flash of pain. I lay down upon it, the scent of him still lingering in the sheets. The tears flooded my eyes and as I lay there, I said what I was certain was my final goodbye.

Once again days slipped by, I found myself watching for Mush. Once again I was disappointed as he disappeared. It seemed like years since the beginning of our relationship, years since we had been so happy together. Finally after a week I gave up on him, and resolved to attempt to get my life together once again. With that decision made, a break came my way. I ran into an old acquaintance from my days as a debutant.

Abigail Stewart had been married six months before I had left. She was much surprised at my change of stations. I was desperate for someone to talk to, someone other than Molly or the newsgirls. Someone that had been raised at my station and would understand me in a way they never could. I found myself pouring out nearly my whole story to her, omitting the recent problems with Mush and Spot.

She had always been a sweet soul. It was this very sweetness that I had not liked before, and I was thankful that while I had not liked her, I had not alienated her. I knew there were many that would be celebrating my disappearance, many of whom I had called friends. She offered me a way out of this life and this mess. I might not be able to return to my station; however, I had many of the qualities that one looked for in a governess. I was educated, with both book learning and etiquette, something that would make me invaluable to the right family. It seemed a Godsend, as I had been informed only that morning I had been replaced at the Swan. Molly had bundled off my clothing because I could not bear to look at it. The hurt and anger at Lilly's defection made it impossible.

While Molly approved of the idea I knew she did not want me to go. I knew I was being selfish, but it made me feel a little better to find that someone would miss me when I had left. Mush still had yet to make an appearance and I was certain that I had lost him forever. For that matter after the last time I had seen him, and the way he kept disappearing I wasn't certain I wanted him to come back. My heart couldn't take his finicky heart any longer. I would leave for Georgia within two weeks; all the arrangements had been made. My prospective employers forwarded the money for my ticket to me; however, life for me would not be that easy. Fate had other ideas.

One week into my two-week wait I woke with a sudden lurch. I had only enough time to rush myself to the bathroom, before I was violently ill. Certain I had caught something or eaten something that had caused it, I prepared to return to bed only to find after a few hours and Molly's fussing that I was feeling perfectly well. The next morning I found myself fine, but later that evening as I was hauling a bucket of dirty water, I found myself again violently ill. This continued for a week before Molly sat me down in the kitchen.

"I don't know how to begin this Bianca." Molly said softly, looking anywhere, but at me. My heart sank, and I had a feeling that what she was about to say, I wasn't going to like at all. "I'll attempt to be delicate about this. I have a feeling I might know the cause of your illness."

"Is it curable?" I asked with innocence I now chuckle at, I feared her look for entirely different reasons than what I really have.

"Well, in about sixteen to eighteen years." Molly responded with a small tight laugh that was meant for levity, but offered none. My heart sank at her words as a small inkling of her meaning started to take hold in my mind. "Do you remember the morning after………after Mush stayed the night?"

My breathing began to come in short gasps, and bewildered tears began to fill my eyes. I felt lightheaded and Molly wasn't quick enough to catch me from sliding from my chair in a dead faint.

I woke on the floor, near the very chair I had fallen from, with something truly horrible smelling being waved under my nose. I batted at it and attempted to bring my foggy thoughts into focus.

"Ya gave me quite a fright." Molly said, sighing with relief and capping her smelling salts. My memories returned swiftly and I scrambled back.

"I gave you a fright?" I asked, moving swiftly to my feet and turning away from her my cheeks stained with the shame I felt. Fear assailed me as I thought of the mothers I saw daily, women who worked themselves to the bone that their children might have a bite to eat. The stories of Mush's mother, the choices that one had to make for another life.

I couldn't go to Georgia now, no matter what lies I concocted about my "delicate condition", without a husband at my side they would never be believed. Not to mention how was I to teach and take care of two children, when I would have one of my own to zap my attention? Not to mention, it was not just myself I would have to think about. I would bear a child without a husband; I would have to raise it by myself and no matter what I said this child would carry the stigmatism of a bastard. This child would be ridiculed and taunted for my mistakes. Tears filled my eyes and I shrugged Molly's hands away. I did not want to be comforted now. Unable to bear her sympathy, I fled to my room, my mind in a fogged state blindly attempting to find a way through.

I do not know how long I sat in my room staring blankly out the window; despair had filled me with a darkness that I could not fight. Despair for my lost chances, despair for the boy I had loved, despair for the mistakes I had made. It filled my soul and fed off of it, bringing ideas to my head that in my right state of mind I would never have considered. My heart felt like a bit of ground sausage and my mind was refusing to think beyond the most drastic of measures. I kept thinking of the taunts for me and my child, the looks and the snickers. I was trapped in New York and I would never rise above the level of washerwoman. I would be lucky if Molly let me stay. For that matter what right did I have to impose myself, and my child upon her? Hadn't she done enough?

"Come and eat Bianca." Molly called through the door, startling me. Darkness was filling the room with it's stealthy creeping. It only worsened my despair. "You've got to for the bairn."

My heart clenched, it was the first time I had heard in words precisely what my predicament was. Resolutely I remained silent, perhaps if I did not speak she would assume I was asleep and would leave me be, but that was not Molly's way. She opened the door and before I knew what was happening I found myself at the table downstairs resolutely eating dinner. I did not taste it, as my eyes kept flicking to my shawl and coat that hung from their hooks in the kitchen.

"It's not the end of the world ya know." Was the only thing she said to me all night. "Ya'll not be the first girl in the world to get yaself in this particular pickle."

Her comfort did not do as she meant it to; with a sigh she left me to my food warning me of what dire consequences she would reap upon me if I did not finish my meal. I let her settle herself into her chair and took my bowl to the sink, where I was going I would not need food, and neither would the baby growing within me.

"Ya wanted to see me Molly?" Mush's voice gave me pause as I reached for my shawl. Molly would think nothing of it if I took my shawl; it was certainly not weather to be wondering about without my coat.

"I think ya better finish doin' whatever it is ya've been doin'. I know read ya letter and I understand what ya tryin' to do, but there's more at stake." I heard Molly say. "She's with child and whether it's yours, or Spot Conlon's, someone's gonna need to be a man and take care of her. If you don't do it I'll go to him."

I did not listen for his reply. The idea of Mush choosing to take care of me because of a baby, seemed more repulsive than taking care of it by myself. My tears were warm on my cold cheeks trickling down my face and mingling with the cold rain that was turning into sleet. I did not hear the door open only minutes after I left, though I must have vaguely heard Mush's call, as I began running swiftly as I could through the water logged streets.

I do not know how I knew the way to the Brooklyn Bridge, I had only been there once, but somehow I made it. I stopped half way across and looked over the rail. I shivered in my thin shawl, as the sleet turned to snow, and my wet body chilled to freezing. White fluffy flakes fell, disappearing into the dark inky water as dark as the despair that filled my heart. My hopes were shattered, my dreams broken, my life ruined. I had no other choice. These words had become a litany ever running through my head as I had run through the streets.

Slowly, I put my hands flat on the rail and slowly hooked my leg over it. I sat on the rail, half in the side of safety and life the other half on the side of peril and death. I rose to my feet, balancing on the rail with one hand on the cables that rose above me as I looked down at the water trying to get up the courage to let go and end it all. My breath came in gasps of white and my body shivered; my tears were now frozen on my cheeks.

"Bianca?" a voice came to me, as though through a long tunnel. Luckily, I had a tight grip on the cable as I started and nearly slid off. "No, wait, stop."

I turned toward the sound of the voice to see Spot Conlon watching me wide eyed, his hands stretched out in front of him as if the motion would stop me. I looked back at him just as wide-eyed wavering on my precarious perch.

"Come on Bi, ya don't want to do this." Spot said in a calm voice, his emotions hidden behind a mask of serenity. "Let me help ya down and back home."

"What do you know of what I want?" I spat, "Ever since I left home nothing has been as I want. I didn't want to fall in love with Mush, I didn't want to meet you, I didn't want to cheapen myself with you and Mush, I didn't want my life ruined, I didn't want to end up with child. I didn't want any of this, but it doesn't matter what I want, it only matters what you want. What Mush wants, your need, his needs, your life, and his life. I've been bounced back and forth like a tennis ball, my life is ruined and if I step away from this rail it will be far better in the long run for everyone."

"No it wouldn't." Spot said softly, his hand reaching out for me. "I'm sorry Bi, I didn't think when I made my choices. I never thought of what would happen to ya. I'm sorry Bi don't do this."

"Why so you don't have an innocent girl's blood on your hands." I snapped bitterly. "All that matters to Spot Conlon,is Spot Conlon."

"It ain't about what I want or what ya want now." Spot said softly looking up at me; fear and sorrow warred within his eyes. "Ya right, I ain't thought about anythin', but me in the entire time ya've known me. I'm sorry, I've made a mess of ya life, but I know one thing and Mush really does care about ya. That's the whole reason for everythin', 'cause I wanted to hurt him, and I wanted to hurt ya a little. I didn't want this. He wouldn't want this."

"I don't care what any of you want." I hissed, leaning out over the water, my hand sliding around the cable.

"Seems to me I ain't the only one bein' selfish here." Spot said sharply, making me pause and turn back to look at him. " Who's bein' selfish now? All I'm hearin' what ya want, not about what's best for ya baby. Who's more worried about appearances than her baby's life? Who's willin' to kill ya both just so ya don't have to worry about the stares and the jeers? Suicide's a mortal sin Bianca, and murder's far worse. Ya gonna murder ya child?"

"I'm doing this for my child." I replied softly, his words hit me like a slap in the face. "I don't want it to be raised ridiculed for my mistakes."

"It ain't hurt me none." Spot told me, shrugging his shoulders and looking away for a moment. "It ain't hurt Mush, if anythin' it's made us fighters, it's made us stronger. I never figured ya for a weaklin' Bi, I always thought ya had a little bit of spark."

I hesitated, the wind swirling brilliant white flakes around us as my mind slowly returned to some semblance of sanity. Spot held out his hand for mine and I looked past him to see Mush half hiding in the shadows, a look of utter terror on his face.

"Please Bianca." Mush said softly, fear and pain in his eyes far greater than Spot's. His arms reached for me and I let go of the cable to reach out for him. My foot slipped on the icy rail, and fear filled me as I realized exactly what I had been about to do. "Bianca!"

He moved far swifter than I had ever seen him move, but he would have been too late. Had it not been for Spot standing where he had been, I would have slipped over the side of the Brooklyn Bridge and been lost forever. He was surprisingly strong as he hauled me in the opposite direction, causing us both to fall onto the wet cobblestones and into the water that was rapidly turning to ice.

Mush wrapped an arm around me and hauled me to my feet, his body warm against my frozen one. I shivered in reaction as he took his coat off, and wrapped me in it. He didn't say anything, but his look said it all. There was disappointment and sorrow that somehow made me feel foolish for it all. There was fear and a touch of anger, I could see him fighting to keep from shaking me, and the hardest of all was the two silver streaks on his face from two tears. Never had I seen Mush cry. I thought your heart could only break one time, but the battered remains of mine did yet again as I saw those tears.

"Let's get ya home, you're freezin'." Mush said gently, as his hands ran up and down my arms attempting to force some heat into them. He stopped as he caught sight of Spot attempting to brush the freezing brackish water from his coat. Their eyes caught and they stared each other down for a moment. Silence hung thick between them, years of hostility and anger still creating a chasm. Finally Mush cleared his throat and broke the silence.

"Thanks." Mush said with a cool nod in his enemy's direction. Spot watched him for a moment responding.

"Take care of her." Spot replied returning his gesture. "And if he leaves ya, ya know where to find me Bi. I'll see that ya taken care of."

I nodded slowly as Mush wrapped his arm around me and turned me toward Molly's. Spot was no fool, he knew the baby might be his, but he had just relinquished any rights as long as Mush wanted me. I had seen something in Spot's eyes, a look of yearning when he had seen Mush wrap his coat about me. I glanced up at Mush as we sloshed our way home, and I hoped that this night might be the beginning of the end, of their rivalry.

Falco: Well it's still not perfect, but it's getting better right? I'll do what I can, but the muses are in charge. It seems to be going in that direction though. Thank you honey, I'm glad you liked the last chapter. I hope you like this one as well!

Kez: I still need to send you that story. Rumor did some editing for me and I haven't had the time to make the changes she suggested. I'm trying to get it down as best I can before the muses plead for a break. I hope this chapter held up next to the last, I rather liked it. It was dark, but a bit of hope there. Thank you for the encouragement on the other story.

Riot:Yup you are a snot! I tried to review one of your stories today written under Misery, but I couldn't log on, I'll try to send you a review soon! I know poor Bi, she's finally cracked under the pressure of everything she's been through. I read your last chapter, did I review? I think I did, but suddenly I'm not certain. I can't wait for the next one, you have me on pins and needles!

voided: Yeah, but what's gonna happen to poor Bi if he hurts her again? It would be very bad if she hurt him. A good read, but possibly bloody. I write a chapter at a time, my muses like it better that way. Post soon okay, I'm very curious.

Pricilla2: I think he made an appearance earlier in the story, but hasn't made an appearance lately. I'm glad you enjoyed the alley scene, I did. I've always tried for realizm, perhaps I bring too much to my characters, but still it seems to be interesting. Thank you!

Smiley Cad: Thank you honey, it was a little sad as is this one. Did I make you cry this time?

Rumor: I think it's been forever since I've called you that. Anywho grams, he is a bit of a bastard, but I think that's what we all love about him. She does have that right, especially when neither of them were going ot think about it. He is a bit Angry. I like it. My male main characters are always a duality. A constant struggle between themselves, but if you think about it men ususally are. Or at least they were, they had to constantly struggle with their emotions. Thanks grams, that means a lot! Thanks again for the honest feed back on my other story and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Dreamer: I updated WOT, did you review? I've forgotten so before I give you grief I'll go and double check. That's great, you're willing to sacrifice Ivy for the greater good hmmm? I agree with the POTC, though I think it's great they've broght on Keith Richards (the man Johnny Depp used to create the character of Jack Sparrow) as Jack Sparrow's dad. I think I sent the chapter off to you and I know I haven't heard back on it. Let me know what you think! Miss ya too!


	22. The Church

The night only seemed to get darker as we slogged through the streets. The lanterns that were supposed to be lit hadn't been yet, and I assumed they never would be. The young boys that scampered up the poles to light the gas lights, probably wouldn't ever make it to this part of the slums. It wasn't as if it would matter if the lights weren't lit, who would complain, and if they did who would listen?

"What were ya thinkin' Bianca?" Mush asked softly, as he wrapped his arms around himself, the faded blue long johns not offering enough warmth under his shirt. Guilt filled me, and I fumbled, my numb fingers with the coat that was now offering me what little warmth it could.

"I don't know." I whispered as he shook his head.

"As bad as it's been I ain't ever tried to take my life." He said looking over at me, and scowling as I slipped the coat from my shoulders. "Leave it; I don't need the coat as much as ya do. Ya'll catch your death from cold as it is probably."

"I don't need your help." I said stiffly, ignoring him and continuing to slip the coat from my shoulders, despite the blast of wind that turned my wet dress to ice.

"Sure ya don't." he growled, tugging the jacket back on and grabbing my hands in his, to keep me from pulling it back off again. His hands were barely warmer than mine and mine were pure icicles. "Like ya haven't needed my help from the moment I met ya."

"Ha, I haven't needed your help." I scoffed, not sure what irritate me more the fact that I knew I needed his help, or the fact that I was afraid of his help. "I've needed help, but I don't know if it's been your kind of help."

I slipped my hands from his and turned away. I wasn't certain where I was heading only that I wanted to leave him behind. Leave the pain I felt when I looked at him, leave the mess my life had become, and leave the pain I saw haunting his eyes. A pain that I still, for reasons unknown to me, wanted to heal.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked, grabbing my arm and turning me back around. "Ya headin' the wrong way. The boardin' house is that way."

"Fine," I growled, working myself into a fine temper. "and I need your help like I need a hole in the head."

"Don't be getting' any ideas." Mush warned; my words making a flash of worry flit across his face, before it was concealed with a tightening of his jaw.

"And just what would it matter to you?" I snapped. "What would it matter if the world lost one more snobby rich girl? If the world lost me? I'm nothing, no one, and it wouldn't matter to the world in general if I was gone. In fact if the police were to find me in an alley way they'd pay no more attention to me than the next street rat."

"Ya wrong." He said as his hands closed over both my arms and he shook me. "I don't want to ever hear ya say anythin' like that again."

"Would it matter to you Mush?" I pushed his arms away, but this time I would not turn. He didn't say anything; instead he stared at me like I had suddenly grown horns. "Molly's the only one who really might care and she'd get over it. There'd be one less mouth to feed. Not to mention the fact that I'll be imposing on her even more with this child. You'll drift out, you always do, perhaps you'll be there for your child for a short time, but you're a boy Mush. A boy in man's clothing, with all the blustering and none of the action. You'll drift away and find some girl that isn't me. That's sweet and pure and worthy of you marrying. A girl like I used to be, like you fell in love with. This child will be forgotten, hidden under the rug like all of your other mistakes, along with me. I'm not naïve, not any longer. I know how the world works and it's never going to work in my favor."

"Just shut up, and keep walkin'." Mush snarled. My anger left me abruptly in the face of his, and with it's leaving I felt hollow. He dragged me along, his anger making him move at a ground eating pace. I slipped and slid in the cold streets, tripping over my own two feet in my haste to keep up with him. I was shivering and blue before we finally finished winding our way through the maze that was the streets of New York. My eyes lifted from my feet, where I had been concentrating on just getting one foot in front of the other, to find myself in front of a church. Not just any church, it was the church just down the street from the boarding house. The church Molly and I attended weekly and the church where I had met Spot's boy.

Mush paused only for a moment before hauling me up the stairs. I slipped on the icy steps, and slammed my knee into one of the stone stairs. A white hot pain flashed up my thigh, causing tears to fill and forced me to stifle a yelp of pain. Mush only looked mildly annoyed, as he hauled me back to my feet and continued on his mission. I bit my lip and blinked back the tears once more, while cursing silently to myself at the selfish prick that continued to drag me to who knew what fate.

He stopped only when the ancient wooden door had shut behind him, and he stood between it and me. I looked at him through narrowed eyes that spoke volumes of my current feelings. He only looked beyond me searching for someone or something. Judging the distance between second set of doors, only feet from Mush, I knew I would never make it. With a frustrated grumble, I turned my back on him and looked at the wall. It was far better than looking at him for the moment.

The lamps flickered on the wall with gas light flames. The room glowed with a golden luminescence, which almost made me believe that redemption could be found within these walls. The windows that would cast colors when the sunlight shone through them were now black with night; only a hint of color shone, as the light flickered across it here and there. The church was always cold, made of stone it wasn't easy to heat. Still, it was warmer than outside, and I felt the tingling hint of warmth easing its way back into my limbs.

As the warmth began to return to me, so did my natural curiosity. Unable to help myself, I glanced back at Mush, wondering why he had brought me here. I glared when he caught my eye, but his face remained impassive and as impenetrable as the statue of Saint Francis of Assisi just to his right. Finally unable to take it any longer, I finally broke the silence.

"What are we doing here?" I whispered, looking anywhere, but at him. My words might have been soft, but they seemed to echo in the silence of the church. Giving into my curiosity again, I glanced through the archway that separated the entry from the sanctuary. Its silence, it seemed, came from the fact that it appeared we were the only two souls within the church at this time of night.

"The right thing." Mush replied, startling me and my eyes swung to look at his face. His tone might have been hushed, but the anger was still apparent in his face. "To prove to ya I'm a man. To show ya and Molly, that I ain't never had any intention of walkin' away."

"What?" I asked as my heart beat doubled, whether it was fear, anticipation, excitement, or longing, I'm not certain. Perhaps it was a combination of all of those things. All I knew is that the blood was racing through my body and my mind couldn't begin to comprehend what he meant. I didn't want to. I was afraid to read into his responses anymore, bitterly afraid of disappointment.

"Ya heard me Bianca." Mush said firmly, taking my hands in his as though he were afraid I'd flee. Had he not taken my hands I might have done just that. "We're doin' the right thing, and there's only one way to make this situation right."

"But you can't possibly want to." I stuttered, still too shocked to do anything more.

"What I want is no longer the issue is it?" he asked me. "We've made our choices and our mistakes. We've made our bed and now we'll lie in it."

"What a wonderful affirmation of love," I said the sarcasm hard to miss. "What's next, will you get on bended knee and tell me of your undying devotion? Tell me of my blinding beauty? It's the most perfect proposal I believe I've ever had and trust me you're not the first."

"I may not be the first, but I sure as hell am gonna be the last." Mush snapped. "I ain't the flowery word type Bi, ya knew that when ya got involved with me."

"I just didn't know exactly how cold blooded you were." I replied in a huff as I jerked my hands from his, and presented him with my back. I wasn't prepared for him arm to slide around my waist and deftly turn me. I was pressed against him before I could think, and his mouth was on mine, proving just how cold blooded he was not.

"If I were cold blooded, I would've walked away." He said levelly, before releasing me and looking at something just over my head. I turned to find a young priest had entered and was watching us with a look of censorship. His hair was as golden as the light that filled the church, his eyes lightly lined by laugher and a smile seemed to want to slip across his face.

"Beau." The priest said, barely glancing at me. "What brings you here this night? I assume by your friend it is not merely penance. Though also by looking at your friend, I would guess you are in sore need of it."

"No Father Ryan." He replied taking my hand and squeezing it. "I've come to marry."

"Are you certain?" The newly introduced Father Ryan asked, with a lift of his eyebrow. "Marriage is not something to be rushed."

"In our circumstances it is." Mush responded, with an eyebrow lift of his own. Father Ryan looked at me shrewdly for a moment, and I wanted to sink into the floor. My cheeks colored and I looked away. I could only imagine what he thought of me. My clothes were just beginning to thaw, and I caught the aroma of the horse dung that was never fully cleaned from the streets; at least not the streets that I now frequented.

"I can't say that such a visit is a surprise Beau, I've often wondered when this would happen." Father Ryan said softly, with a slightly bemused smile that was gone almost before it began. "Very well."

I was split in two, part of me wanted to protest such a sham, but another part wanted this. I wanted to marry the boy beside me, had wanted to for what seemed like years. It was this part that stilled the protests of the other, that allowed myself to be pulled along behind the priest's wake; despite the whispers of doubt coming from the other.

We waited silently as Father Ryan disappeared to find what he would need for such a ceremony. I stared at the stained glass windows attempting to see the images that I knew were there, but I couldn't quite make out. Mush paced restlessly from one archway to the other. I couldn't help but think as I sat there, that this was not how it was supposed to be.

I, Bianca Victoria Windsor, was not to marry at eleven o'clock in the evening and in a church that looked less than magnificent in the night and shabby in the day. I looked down at my faded dress, marked with the rough work and sloshed liberally with muck and water. The smell of horse manure was growing stronger, along with other foul odors that I couldn't quite name. My hair was in disarray, falling from the chignon that Molly had done for me earlier in the day and was straggling into my eyes.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. It should have been not yet eleven o' clock in the morning, with the sun shining, the birds chirping, and all trees outside would be in full bloom. For that matter it wouldn't be this church. It would be in the most fashionable church, in the most fashionable dress, and the tea following would be held at the most fashionable hotel. I would blush prettily from beneath my snow colored veil, secure in my right to wear such a color, as the scent of the roses in my hands wafted to my nose. My father would lead me down the isle where society's crème de la crème would smile their false smiles. I would smile sweetly as my peers would look enviously upon me and my handsome groom.

I closed my eyes and I could almost smell the roses and see the flower bedecked church. My father was smiling proudly at my side as Lillian and Juliet, the Banister twins were looking a little green with envy. My groom stood at the front smiling his bright smile, his black hair perfectly in place, his blue eyes smiling proudly. As I looked into those eyes, I saw no warmth, none of the emotions swirling through Mush's soft brown ones. I heard his voice; I turned to see him standing in his ragged clothing beckoning me. Which would I choose? I didn't have a choice I reminded myself, the streets had taken that choice away. It had loosened my morals and ruined my life.

What had happened to me? What had I done? Was this where all my high handed thoughts on the shallowness of the rich had gotten me? Pregnant, miserable and about to marry a boy that I wasn't certain really wanted to marry me. I blinked tears back unwilling to shed another and suddenly I wished I had remained in my father's home. I doubted that Adian could have caused worse results.

"Perhaps your bride might like a moment to freshen up." Father Ryan's voice was quite, but still it startled me. "I took the liberty of finding a dress from the clothing donated for the poor. It's waiting along with a bowl of water and a basin just through that door."

My cheeks flushed scarlet as he gestured toward the door. Still the idea of something clean far outweighed the blow to my pride. I attempted a gracious smile as I started toward the door only to be stopped by Mush just over the threshold.

"Don't even think about boltin' Bi." He warned me. "If ya walk out of this church tonight it's either as my wife, or a part of my past. You'll be looking for Spot Conlon to be takin care of ya."

"How romantic." I replied bitingly, my already wounded heart burning with the pain of his words. "It will be a story to tell our children that will fill their eyes with stars."

"I mean it Bianca." Mush said softening his tone. "I mean to marry the mother of my child tonight, but I ain't gonna force ya. If ya leave you've made ya choice."

The only thing that kept me from bolting from the church that night, was the softness that momentarily lingered in his eyes. His hand brushed my cheek in that gesture of affection I knew so well, and thought never to feel again. Gently his hand slipped about to cup the base of my skull in hand as his lips brushed mine.

"Ahem." Father Ryan coughed politely, reminding us of why we were there. Mush drew back enough to look me in the eyes, with an intense look, full of an emotion I couldn't place.

"I'll be watin' right here." Mush told me, stepping back and allowing me to enter the room. There was little else in the small closet of a room, other than a wash basin and pitcher just to my right, and another chest only foot from the other. It was warmer in this room than the entryway of the church. It's smallness afforded it more warmth as the small stove that stood in it's corner radiated heat.

My hands were burning as the circulation was slowly coming back into them as I looked with trepidation towards my wedding dress. It lay across one of the trunks and to my surprise it shimmered with the gleam of iridescent taffeta, its pale blue radiant in the glow of lantern on the wall above it. It was of a simple, yet elegant cut, trimmed with real Venetian lace in the most delicate ivory. This was a dress like the type I had once worn, it was not cut in the high class tawdry way of the Swan, it was cut for a lady. It was meant to make the wearer delicate and feminine without the need for to show off the woman's assets. I wanted nothing more than to reach out and touch it, but I was afraid I might dirty it with my grimy hands. It brought with it a flash of shame that I tried to control. I turned my attention to the froth of grey cloth next to the dress, to find a set of worn, but still serviceable petticoats. With a small cry of delight, I shed my clothing, stripping to my bloomers and corset.

Smiling softly for the first time in days, I turned to the bowl of water and the task of scrubbing the worst of the muck from my upper body. The soap on the wash stand smelled faintly of lilies and a rough towel lay ready for me to use. Afraid to let my hair touch my now clean shoulders, I pulled the pins from my hair, as I leaned over. Using the remaining water I did my best to clean the worst of the filth from my hair. Toweling off I sat my self in front of the stove to comb my hair with my fingers attempting to do my best to dry it. For the first time I didn't mind the time consuming task as it gave me a moment to think.

I closed my eyes as I did so, enjoying the warmth and the silence that surrounded me. I loved Mush, the uncertainty was in what he felt. My parents had married for love, being of the same class and same background with approving parents no one had contested them. I knew now my parents were shaking their head disapprovingly from heaven. Not that the thought truly bothered me. They were not the issue; my choices were what the issue was truly was.

In that small little room I stood at another crossroad of life. I had two paths, I could choose not to marry Mush or I could choose to marry him. I knew if I walked away now I would loose him forever. I wasn't certain I could risk that, I wasn't certain I wanted to do that.

I was no longer naïve enough to believe that I could love enough for both of us. The question was could I spend the rest of my life attempting to love enough for both of us? I could only hope he would be a good husband, and honorable husband, but he did have a roving eye. Still what other choice did I have? The baby inside me deserved a father and while he might not love me I could hope that he would love the baby. It was the right choice, it was the honorable choice, but was I willing to commit to forever? Once married it would literally be until death do us part..

I gained a step up the long stair of maturity that night as I put aside my own thoughts and turned to that of the life growing within me. I still wasn't sure I wanted the child, I wasn't certain I ever wanted a child. Yet I had one, I couldn't deny that and as much as I wanted to blame it on my surroundings I couldn't. It was my fault. I had forgotten my morals; I had brought myself to this place. Perhaps my surroundings had encouraged it, but I could have turned away from temptation and my will been strong enough.

Taking a deep breath I stood and took the petticoats from the chest. As I stepped into them I prayed that my mistakes would not haunt me. I had no choice; I had to accept my responsibility. I slid the dress over my head before slipping my head out the door to ask for Father Ryan to help me with the delicate buttons that would run the length of my back.

He said nothing as he entered and silently began buttoning the dress. It appeared the woman who had owned it before me had been smaller, and it took tightening of my corset before I could fit into it. I breathed shallowly as he returned to the buttons and I looked down at the shimmering fabric. It seemed to turn from a cornflower to an icy blue in the lamp light. I could only hope my future would be as bright as this dress. I could only pray that my decision would offer redemption for my sins. It rustled stiffly offering that feminine sound to my vanity.

"You're beautiful; he's always had an eye for the lookers." Father Ryan said though his words didn't sound quite like a compliment. "I only hope he isn't making a mistake."

"As do I." I replied coolly as he held the door open for me. I took another fortifying breath before stepping into the hall and toward the path I had chosen.

Voided: She just might. It should be incentive to keep Mush in line. Or at least I hope it is. Spot is Spot and he's never quite upfront about his emotions. I'm glad you liked the chapter. I really try to maintain the characters and neither of the boys are the sensitive types. Or at least not on the surface. I didn't see you're post, did you post it? I will double check. Thank you!

Queen Kez: Ah, one of my favorite reviewers. As previously stated I'm a bit of a drama queen. Mush is a bit of a bastard, but you love him for it admit it. Hope you enjoyed this chapter!

Falco: Does that mean you liked it?

The Good Girl: We'll see I'm still a little confused as to what is exactly going to happen. I hope so as much as the next person.

Dreamer: Yeah plot twists galore. It was fun to put a bit of a human twist on Spot, he's been such a bastard thus far. Thank you I've been planning that part for a while, it was something of a relief to finally write it. I hope you bring out that other fiction, oh and I better get an update to HP soon!

Riot: A baby, I'm still wavering as to who's it will be. We'll see. I would think Spot would have quite a bit of maturity under all that hoodlum veneer. He does have to run Brooklyn and he never seemed like a uncaring leader. Update soon will ya?

Grams: Well it took me about that long to update, there's been way too much drama in my own life to deal with a story's. Yeah Lilly's not exactly the waiting type. I don't know about mean I was pretty amused by it, but then perhaps I come by that honestly hmm Grams? I liked the bridge scene too, I'd been waiting to write that for months. Hope you liked it!

Pricilla 2: I hope you don't get tired of it because then I would be doing something wrong. Thank you!f


	23. To Marry

The wind howled around the church reminding me of the storm that raged outside as well as within, but in the stillness of the church there was the illusion of peace. I felt bruised, battered, but resolute. I would follow through with this; I would make this marriage work. I would give my word and for the first time in my life my word would be my bond.

As we passed through the arches the church appeared to be empty and for a moment my heart leapt into my throat. Had Mush left? Had he decided he wouldn't marry me after all? A movement caught my eye and I saw a man standing at the alter. He was well dressed, his hair curled over his head wildly, though the water that shined from it spoke of his attempt at taming it. His face was in profile as he looked at the alter his mouth moving silently in prayer. He moved nervously, his finger hooking in the starched collar of his shirt and pulling on it as if the motion would loosen it.

The priest chose that moment to stop just in front of me and I narrowly avoided colliding with him as he turned to look at me. My attention faded from the man at the alter and instead was focused on the man in front of me. His gaze was narrowed and I felt naked under his look. I felt as though God himself was looking through those eyes weighing and judging. Quickly I looked away afraid to fall short.

"Do you wish to marry Beau?" he asked me sternly, I wanted to curl into myself as though I could somehow miraculously disappear from his disapproving look.

"Yes Father." I replied softly my attention on my feet rather than look at him and see the judgment in his eyes.

"Did you trick him into marriage by becoming with child?" He asked just as sternly as before. My cheeks flushed and I felt the flash of anger fly through me.

"You can ask Mush the circumstances behind my delicate condition." I replied glancing up at him long enough to offer him a searing look. "I committed my sins, but I did not force him into committing any of his own. Mine lay in the inability to tell that man no, and in the bad twist of fate that threw me between Spot Conlon and Mush Meyers. Now if you'll please Father I'd like to get on with it."

"You love him?" Father Ryan persisted, though his voice had softened and his look had gentled.

"Against my better judgment." I replied with a hint of bitterness, "But then in the past few months my better judgment has disappeared. Had I listened to my better judgment I would have returned to Park Avenue from where I came. Instead, I am here in love with a man that may or may not love me, and in a church to marry the aforementioned man."

"He cares for you." Father Ryan told me his voice soft and sure. At the sudden change in tone I looked directly at him and found his kind eyes watching me with worry. "I can not tell you he loves you, but I know him well enough to say he cares. I have seen marriages begun on far less than that Bianca. In time caring can turn to love, provided you are a true wife to him. Be patient, be kind, be understanding and your marriage will blossom. Now he is waiting."

My gaze followed his to the man I had been contemplating earlier and I realized with a bit of surprise it was Mush that was standing at the alter. For the first time since I had met him, I saw Beau "Mush" Meyers in a suit. His hand me down finery matched my own in cut and quality. His attention was now turned to me, his gaze focused and intent.

I glanced at Father Ryan as he offered me his arm and I took it before looking back to my groom. Candles flickered from the alter and the silence once again descended upon me. There was no joyous music and no crowd of well wishers, but suddenly that didn't matter.

The quiet offered intimacy that could never have otherwise been achieved. I didn't have to look at the people I passed and smile at them. I didn't have to give my attention to anyone, but the man I was to marry. His eyes were soft as Father Ryan stopped only feet away and offered my hand to Mush. He took it and offered me his most rakish smile before lifting it to his lips. I felt my cheeks flush with color, my lips relaxed from their compressed line as I smiled softly. I knew the love that was in my heart sparkled in my eyes.

Despite my fears and worries regarding Mush's emotions, I knew that I loved him. It was an emotion that filled me, that brought tears to my eyes it was so potent. I blinked them back overwhelmed by my emotions, as he tucked my hand into the crook of his elbow and turned to the priest.

The ceremony was as old as time, the words I had heard many times in my life, but never before had they had such meaning for me. When I stole a glance at Mush he was watching the priest with earnest. He must have felt my gaze on him for he turned to look at me. He held my gaze for a moment before he gave me a brief smile. His hand fell over mine where it rested on his arm, as he turned back to the priest, and offered me a reassuring squeeze.

"Beau Jacob Meyers will you have this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?" I waited breathlessly as the silence in the church filled the room once more.

"I will." Beau Meyers replied his voice echoing in the quiet room. Never again would I call him Mush, he had taken the vows as Beau and finally Beau was mine.

"Bianca……" Father Ryan seemed at a loss for a moment realizing he did not know my full name.

"Bianca Victoria Windsor." I said softly my voice wavering for the first time as I uttered my name. It was not said with its usual prideful trumpet, but with a soft shaking whisper.

"Bianca Victoria Windsor, will you have this man to be your wedded husband, to live together after God's ordinance in the holy estate of Matrimony? Will you obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, so long as you both shall live?"

"I will." I replied, my voice did not echo as Beau's did, but the weight if its promise was just as strong.

"Do you have a ring?" Father Ryan asked Beau. We both looked at him and to my surprise he reached into his breast pocket and withdrew a simple gold band. I watched as he slid the ring over my finger, it fit loosely, but it was mine. Looking up at Mush I turned to him as we were told to seal the ceremony with a kiss. He cupped my face in his hand reminding me of the first kiss we had ever shared. His lips brushed mine softly; it was probably the chastest kiss we had ever shared. It seemed as to though it was over almost as soon as it had begun. I found myself watching as Beau signed the marriage certificate. My mind was pleading for him to hurry, just as a flash of light from the back of the church caught my attention. A lone figure leaned against the shadows of the arches, I could make out the red of his suspenders, but his hat was pulled too low for me to make out his face. He touched his hand in salute and turned to go, the gold tip of his cane winking for a brief moment as he did.

"Bianca?" I looked down to find Beau offering me the pen; I gave the archway another glance only to find Spot Conlon was gone. I turned back to Beau and took the pen signing my name with a flourish. It would be the last time I would ever sign it that way.

"Mr. and Mrs. Meyers, you are free to go." Father Ryan said with a twinkle in his eyes, as Beau tucked the marriage license into the inner pocket of his coat.

"Thank you Father Ryan." Beau replied shaking the man's hand before taking mine. I looked up at him as we made our way down the stairs and away from the alter. Where did this leave us now? I was married; the thought gave me a little thrill as I gave him a tentative smile. Would this right all of our sins? Would this bring us closer together? Would our happily ever after start now?

It did in all of the fairy tales that are told to children before bed. The princess marries her prince and they all live happily ever after. Unfortunately there are no perfect happily ever afters in this world. A wedding ceremony does not magically make a couple live in wedded bliss. Though naively that is what I was certain would now happen. All our troubles would disappear, and from this moment on our lives would be magically perfect.

As we neared the back pew Beau loosened his hand from mine and lifted a smartly tailored jacket that he held out to me. With a questioning look I let him help me into it.

"The rich folks sometimes donate their fancy clothes to the churches once they're done with them." Beau replied to my silent question. "There's a lady that used to be poor, and went to this church before she married her rich husband. She makes certain her clothing comes here. Most of it's too nice to distribute to the local poor so Father Ryan has a deal with one of the second hand shops that sells clothes like this for them. He hadn't sent this stuff off yet, he decided it'd be his weddin' present to us."

"That was kind of him." I said softly, looking back toward the alter as I buttoned the jacket, only to find Father Ryan had followed Spot's example.

"Yeah, it was." Beau told me as he took my hand again. "I've already thanked him for both of us."

I let him lead me from the church into the snowy night, where our footsteps were muted by the cushion of snow that blanketed the ground. The snowflakes that continued to fall twinkled in the lamplight like diamonds. Quiet reigned as people had long since found some place to bed down for the night. Whether it be dingy apartment or the remnants of a box. My mind, however, was not on the less fortunate that night; rather it was on the beauty of the world. I felt light, I felt free, and I felt gloriously happy. I had to concentrate on not skipping, and betraying the giddy happiness that had rushed into my soul.

The wind swept through the street, stirring the snow under our boots in a swirling dust of glitter. I pulled my new coat tighter around my neck and was thankful that I was no longer wet and freezing.

"Are you warm enough?" Beau asked me looking worriedly down at me. I nodded as we continued down the silent street. My eyes peered through the darkness to find Molly's was just a few doors away. I wondered suddenly what Molly would make of the events of tonight. My heart clenched with shame at what she would say if she knew I had attempted to take my life that night.

"Beau." I said, halting and turning to him. "Promise me you won't tell Molly what happened tonight."

"Why should ya hide it from her Bi?" He questioned, looking down at me with an expression that told me he knew very well why I would want to hide it. "She's as close to family as we've got anymore."

"I don't want her to know." I responded urgently. "Seeing the disappointment and hurt in your eyes was hard enough, I don't want to see it in Molly's too."

"Alright." He sighed. "I'll keep ya secrets, but don't ya ever do anythin' like that again."

"You sound so paternal." I smiled impishly at him, but his face remained serious as he took my shoulders in his hands.

"Don't you ever think of doin' anythin' like that again Bianca." He said as his eyes narrowed angrily as he shook me a bit. "Don't ever."

My heart was sinking in my chest, at the thought of the emotions that had swirled through me only hours before. Thoughts of destruction that darkened my mood, and brought self doubt to my mind.

"Promise me." He persisted, as he drew me to him in a rough embrace, that was tinged with desperation. "I don't think I could stand it again."

"I promise." I whispered, but there was an uncertainty in my mind. If Mush left me again I wasn't certain I could stand it. 'But we're married.' I told that doubting part of myself. 'He wouldn't leave me or the child.'

' And if the child begins to look less like your beloved Beau one day and begins to show signs of looking like another father?' the voice hissed in my ear, like the snake urging Eve to take a bite of the apple.

"Beau?" I asked abruptly, moving out of the shelter of his arms. He looked at me curiously as he waited patiently, for me to finish the question that was in my voice. "Will you leave me if the child looks like Spot?"

"No." he replied, his mouth tightening at the thought. "No matter what the child looks like, it's my child. "

"You promise?" I continued to press him; he looked irritated as he nodded his consent. I let him tug me up the stairs to Molly's and in the door. The warmth of the parlor heated my cheeks that were rosy with the cold.

"Oh thank God you found her." Molly's voice came from the hallway between the parlor and the kitchen. I turned to her only to find she had stopped and was looking at us with confusion written all over her face. "What's this, did ya stop to find ya Christmas clothes while ya were out?"

"Father Ryan gave us new clothing." Beau told her, as he tugged me toward the stairs.

"That was nice of him. Did ya stop for confession?" she asked, a look on her face that told me she was trying to sort everything out.

"Among other things." Beau replied shortly, glancing at her over the rail as we continued up the stairs. Molly just watched until suddenly she seemed to snap back into awareness.

"Wait just a moment lad." Molly cried, taking her skirt in her hand and stepping onto the bottom step. "You'll not be taking Bianca anywhere near a room that has a bed in it."

"If ya don't mind I'll be takin' my wife to bed now." Mush retorted, turning back to her with a good humored glint in his eyes.

"You're wife?" Molly's voice sounded as taken aback as her expression. "You've married?"

"Less than an hour ago, would you like the marriage certificate?" he asked, as he took it from his pocket and waived it at her. She stared at him as though she had been slapped for a moment before looking to me and then back at him. "I know ya thought I'd do what my father did, but I'm not him Molly."

The last was said softly and sadly, as she took the certificate from him and looked it over before looking up at him.

"You're not as heartless as ya father was Beau." She said with gentle affection, as she leaned up and cupped his cheek in her hand. "But that didn't mean I thought ya were ready for the responsibilities that had come ya way."

"I take care of what's mine." His voice was fierce as he spoke. "I always have and I'm not about to stop now."

"I know love, I know." She smiled softly and maternally at him before turning to me and taking both of my hands in hers. "And you Bianca, will ya be happy?"

"Yes." I told her still filled with naïve dreams. I didn't lie that day I would be happy, but it would take hard work to create that happiness and maintain my marriage.

"Then I suppose congratulations are in order." Molly told me, her voice soft with emotions that made her eyes twinkle with tears, tears of joy. "Now ya can't just get married and go to bed Mush. We have to celebrate, at least have some tea."

I sighed as she pulled me down the stairs. It seemed being dragged around this night would never end.

"Now I don't know about that Molly, now that we're married and ya can't object to me cartin' her off to her bedroom, I think that's just what I want to do." Mush argued taking my other hand.

"Beau Meyers, if I were you I wouldn't pull on me anymore this night." I said with exasperation. "Now we'll have a bit of tea in the kitchen with Molly and then we'll go to bed."

"Did ya miss the obey portion of your vows, woman?" Beau asked me, with a hint of true irritation in his voice.

"No I didn't miss it." I responded civilly, though my temper was flaring. "Though I would prefer to celebrate my sudden nuptials if it's alright with you, husband."

He just grinned, which only irritated me more as he moved past me. Molly gave me a smile and I was left with nothing other to do than follow. I wasn't sure which emotion that was flying through me I should feel, so with another sigh I made my way down the stairs.

Later that night as I lay in bed, my head cradled in Beau's shoulder I contemplated my whirlwind day. I had hit the bottom of despair only to be raised again. My heart contracted in my chest as I shifted my head to look up at my husband. A man I would depend on and care for, for the rest of my life, a man I loved, a man my family and friends would never have approved it. Life had changed so suddenly for me in such a short span of time I couldn't keep up. The only thing I could sort out in the jumble of emotions and thoughts was I was thankful for where I lay that night.

Queen Kez: Yeah, they're both bastards, but they're so much fun. Spot can be malicious, but I see that in his character you know. He's seems like one of those guys you wouldn't want to be on his bad side. I was planning at some point to have her judged by her old peers, but the idea with her parents is interesting. I would have to think about that. I'm not certain how I would incorporate them. I may still be able to. Thanks Kez, you've got me thinking. Not ending any time soon, they still have to deal with her cousin. He's not out of the picture entirely.

Falco: I'm starting to feel bad here, how much money have your parents had to spend on hospital bills? You keep dying during my chapters. I'm very glad you liked it. Thanks I really try for reality with my character's thoughts. Oh and thanks for the waffles.

Tuesday: You reviewed! AHHAHH! Thank you, I'm so glad you like my story. As for hating me that's okay because I hate you too sometimes. It's nice to know I'm not the only one that reads other's stories and gets jealous of their talent. I feel special now thanks! I loved the pointer, I'll work on that thanks! Update soon will ya?

Riot: Well, it appears that they really did. I know, I know I left you hanging, but I've made it all better now haven't I? Oh and you update too.

Elyse: He does have a bit of a heart, I've been waiting for a long time to write that scene. I really wanted him to be an ass, but be a real person too. Neither Mush nor Spot are men to get angry at you. Thanks!

Dreamer: Another twist as if I don't have enough going in this story. Do you think I'm getting too soap operaish? He probably doesn't deserve her, but then if you think about it there have been plenty of times that she hasn't deserved him. You'd better get working on that soon, I can't wait to see what happens when Rav finds out about Spot and Elena. I'll talk with you soon!

Zorrina: Thank you, I really try to develop my characters. It's no fun if they don't grow on their journey. I'm really glad you like it and I hope you continue to do so.

Voided: Smoothly, ha. When do things go smoothly. In real life marriage isn't ever smooth, but it doesn't matter because you love each other enough to work through it. They'll get through it, but it wont' be easy. I still haven't see your chapter though I have been keeping an eye out for it. Thank you it's great that you enjoyed it.

Rumor: I hate it when that happens! He is sweet when he wants to be isn't he. Bi's pregnant cut her some slack. It's a lot to take in on raging hormones, Dan's dreading when I get pregnant. Then you'll be a great grandma. He he he. Anywho, I love sarcasm, really I do, so to know that there's someone else that shares my love is awesome. Love ya grams!


	24. Cinnamon

The darkness of night faded into the rosy light of dawn. As dawn gave way, and the first rays of sunlight broke through the clouds, I was awakened with a groan and the unfamiliar sensation of Beau rolling over. With one more heart felt groan, he rolled clumsily over me and reached for the pants he had left on the floor.

"Isn't a bit early to go to the distributing house?" I asked, my voice rough with sleep. I rolled to my side, and watched blearily as he finished buttoning his pants.

"I don't sell papes no more." He told me, while took his shirt from the where it hung on the headboard.

"What?" I asked in confusion, leaning up on one arm and brushing my hair back. The sunlight was still hardly cutting through the darkness of early morning, yet the room was growing noticeably brighter by the moment.

"That's right Molly didn't give ya the letter." He sighed. "I went lookin' for a new job to support us both. Sellin' papes was barely money for me to live on, let alone a wife and a baby."

"What letter?" I demanded, as I threw my legs over the side of the bed, but stopped just sort of actually putting my feet on the cold hard wood below. While part of me was only too willing to fly down the hall to Molly's room and demand what ever letter it was she had kept from me, another was loathing the idea of leaving my nice warm cocoon.

"I wrote ya a letter before I left the last time. Look I'll explain it to ya some other time. I've got to get to work." Beau told me as he reached for his hat and leaned down to lay a kiss on my forehead.

"Beau?" I asked stopping him at the door. He looked back at me impatiently.

"What?" He returned his eyes studying me as I was still struggling to absorb everything into my still sleep befuddled mind.

"What are you doing now?" It wasn't what I wanted to ask him. There were so many questions that were swimming into my mind now that daylight had come.

"Unloading boxes for stores as their shipments come in. Perhaps I'll become a store clerk." He said, but in his eyes I saw shadows. Shadows for the freedom lost in giving up his position as a newsie. I knew in my heart that he had loved his job and a stab of guilt hit me as I realized he what he had given up. He gave me a smile before he slipped out the door, just as the other borders were just beginning to rise. I knew at any moment Molly would come knock on my door, and my day would have to begin; but for a moment I sat on the bed and wondered what else my husband would have to give up, and if he would begin to resent me for it.

"Bianca." Molly's voice came through my door on cue. "It's grocery day, do you feel up to the walk?"

"Yes, Molly." I called back wanting nothing more than to brush the insecurities from my mind. I dressed warmly as I looked out at the window and the blanket of snow the covered our back yard and the Swan's. Perhaps I could ask Lily to give me back my job. It would be demeaning to go crawling back, and I certainly wouldn't be able to work upstairs, not that I had ever wanted to. Perhaps she would allow me to do the books as I did for Molly. I pondered this idea as I dressed, the cold of last night still had not escaped my memory and I pulled the heavy wool skirt Molly had bought for me only days before. Two pairs of heavy wool stockings followed and the sturdy walking shoes that were now scuffed with wear. I would have to find the shoe polish, I told myself as I started down the stairs. Cinnamon and sugar drifted to me as I neared the kitchen and I found Molly just pulling a batch of scones out of the oven.

"Piping hot just as you like them Mrs. Meyers." Molly said, as she practically twinkled like the icicles in the sunlight just out the window. I gave her a brief smile as I moved quickly to the oatmeal that was in danger of bubbling over the pot and into the fire. I had to admit it made my stomach grumble and my mouth water in anticipation. I realized at that moment it was the first time I had woken without that horrible nausea and vomiting that had been plaguing me.

Working together as we had learned to do over the months that I had sought refuge at Molly's we served breakfast and cleaned up from it. It was mid morning as we slipped from the boarding house and started for the market. The snow did not deter the masses from going about their daily activities and the streets were as full as normal. The snow which had been soft and white was now dingy and grey starting to slush as the sun warmed it. There was more than one cart that nearly splashed us with dirty, cold slush water.

The trip to the market wore me out far more than it normally did and I was ready to go back to sleep as we left. With a heavy sigh I wondered if Molly would let me slip away for a moment for a nap as the day seemed to stretch so far ahead of me.

"You stupid bitch." The words that were spit out in a venomous tone startled me out of my thoughts. A glimmer of red slipped into my vision and I found myself confronted by a furious Cinnamon. Taken aback and by surprise I took a step back and looked for Molly. She was no where to be seen and I realized I must have lost her in the crowd.

The good news was that at least now I knew my way home from the market. The bad was that I had finally been caught alone with Cinnamon and there was no one there to stop her from doing whatever she wanted with me.

"I'm sorry, were you speaking to me?" I sniffed hoping to brush her off as I took my skirt in my hand and moved to step around her. It wasn't the best of ideas as she snarled and knocked the basket from my hand causing apples and other items Molly had bought to go rolling all over the place and into the dirty snow surrounding us.

"Yes." She hissed mimicking my tone all at the same time and impressing me despite myself. "Go on pick them up you dirty whore."

"What do you want Cinnamon?" I asked my own temper flaring. "What did I do to you this time?"

"How is it that ya got yaself knocked up and ya don't know if it's Mush's or Spots and he marries ya?" She growled. " Ya go far beyond what I could have ever dreamed of and yet here ya are Mrs. Meyers and he treats me like dirt?"

"What I did wasn't of my own making." I snapped. "I had no choice and thanks to the feud you started between Spot and Mush, I have found myself in a delicate situation. Despite it all he married me because I will be true to him and because he loves me."

Her laughter rang in my ears bitter and mocking. Her look told me I was a naïve child, which of course only made me angrier.

"Ya think he actually loves ya?" She asked incredulously. "Ya honestly delude yaself like that? He don't love ya, he feels sorry for ya. Just like he's felt sorry for ya since the day he found ya like some mongrel sleepin' in that ally. He don't love ya, he ain't ever gonna love ya, because I took his heart and I ain't ever given it back."

"Why Cinnamon?" I hissed back. "You don't love him, you never did, you just don't want anyone else to have him either."

She moved much faster than I would have ever thought she would have. I didn't even see her hand moving toward me and suddenly I was on the ground holding my head where it had slammed into the curb and feeling the stinging on my cheek that told me she had hit me.

"You know nothin' about nothin'." She told me her voice shaking with her fury. "I loved him from the moment I met him, but I was young and wasn't ready for the commitment he wanted. I wasn't ready for just one guy."

"Then that's your loss." I said softly, my voice still dazed as I drew my hand away from my head to find a streak of vermillion across my gloved hand. Something warm and wet was trickling down my face as I looked up at her. I saw her boot raise and curled into a protective ball, one had clutching my stomach with a brief prayer to save the baby I knew she would kill.

"Cinnamon, you land that kick and I swear to ya, I'll throw ya off the Brooklyn Bridge myself." A familiar voice stayed that kick and I let out a sigh of relief, but didn't uncurl myself. J.P. moved into my line of sight looking surprisingly angry and commanding. Ruin stood to her right looking downright gleefully at Cinnamon. Cinnamon looked apprehensive and I would have too for Ruins glee was like that of a demon about to drag a sinner to hell for their punishment. On J.P.'s left stood Streak fingering a knife a wicked gleam in her eye and smile. Nymph stood over me a hand stretched out to help me stand. I took it and found for the second time in two days I was covered with cold water and other unmentionable things.

"Damn ya stay out if it, it ain't any of ya business." Cinnamon told them desperately.

"On the contrary, since she's a friend it is our business." J.P. replied. "And if you harm so much as another hair on her head, you'll be banned from Manhattan and Brooklyn."

"How ya gonna do that J.P. , ya may think ya the head of the girls, but a little kiss and smile and neither Jack or Spot's gonna back that up."

"Ya forget Cinnamon," a male voice came from our right and all eyes turned to see Spot Conlon leaning casually up against the building. "That baby ya were so intent on getting' rid of a moment ago, may be mine. Just cause I told Mush I'd stay out of it as long as he was there don't mean I'm gonna let ya kill it."

I took the opportunity that was available to me. As Cinnamon stood there looking betrayed and furious, I took my revenge. She turned to me looking helpless and with death in her eye. Anger welled up in me, a rage that only a mother can feel at the thought of someone hurting her child. My fists bunched and I saw only red until I felt myself struggling against a pair of steel banded arms that weren't about to let me go. Cinnamon lay on the ground blood streaming from her nose and mouth. My fists felt bruised and I could feel the sting from where I had cut my knuckle on Cinnamon's tooth.

"Don't you ever come near me or my baby again." I hissed relaxing against my captor. The others still ringed Cinnamon, most looking surprised. Ruin and Streak and near identical looks of grudging respect. Only Spot was missing and from the strength of the arms that were still pinning mine to keep me from harming Cinnamon any more I knew it was him the held me.

"I'll get ya." Cinnamon promised as she stood " I'll get ya good just ya wait."

We watched as she slunk away, only when she was out of sight did I relax. Spot released me and the others still continued to look shocked.

"What?" I finally asked, feeling alternately shamed and proud of myself.

"Didn't know ya had it in ya." Ruin said finally punching me on the shoulder hard. I winced knowing I'd have a bruise there in a moment. Aches and pains were assailing me from all over. My ankle ached from the twisting I had given it when I had fallen my head ached from its abrupt meeting with the curb and there were scratches on my cheek and deep furrows on my arm that were beginning to burn. I didn't even remember Cinnamon scratching me.

"What happened?" Molly's panicked voice made us all turn. "What did you do to her Spot? I knew ya were a bastard, but this…………."

"It wasn't him." I told her as she trailed off at my upraised hand." Cinnamon did this."

"Yeah, but ya should have gotten a look at her." Ruin told her that same glee that made me nervous back on her face.

"Good grief, ya gonna be a mother, what kind of an example are ya gonna be settin'?" Molly admonished.

"I think she's gonna be a wonderful mother." Spot replied. "She was protectin' that baby. Cinnamon was about to kick her when we stopped her."

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." Molly snapped raising her hands as if in prayer to any of the aforementioned names. "Let's get you home."

I swayed and nearly fainted as Spot caught me with ease and picked me up.

"When was the last time she ate?" he asked as I fought to control my spinning head. I wanted to bat at him and tell him I didn't need his help.

" I don't know, if ya can get her back to the boarding house." Molly said urgently. My vision swam and darkness took me before I could gain control over myself.

Voices slipped in and out of my conscious and as they slowly started to make sense I found I was laying on something soft, while a stinging sensation on my forehead made me gasp.

"Hold still." Molly's voice ordered and I felt a soothing hand on my arm.

"Squeeze my hand." A male voice told me gently. I slowly opened my eyes to see a pair of ice blue ones looking at me in concern. "Hurts don't it."

I nodded as Molly grumbled something under her breath as she continued her gentle cleaning. I gasped in pain again as the door swung open and my husband stopped dead in the doorway. I closed my eyes, hoping to still pretend to be unconscious.

"What may I ask is going on?" Beau asked calmly, too calmly. "And ya may as well open ya eyes Bi I know ya ain't sleepin'."

"Ya wife had a run in with Cinnamon, I just was helpin' get her back home." Spot said hastily as he stood. "Look Beau, I mean it when I say I wasn't plannin' anythin'. I knew Cin would be pissed the moment it made the rounds. She was already angry that ya left the lodgin' house. I knew the first person she was going to take it out on. I was just lookin' out for Bianca here. I promise ya the only thing I wanted was to protect her if ya couldn't be there."

Beau looked at him hard for a moment before relaxing minutely. Molly and I both let out breaths I wasn't sure either of us knew we were holding.

"Ya gonna keep an eye on her when I can't?" Beau asked quietly, almost hesitantly. "I don't exactly have the freedom ya do these days."

"I promise I'll keep her out of trouble if I can." Spot replied licking his lips nervously. "And out of harms way. Look I promised ya I'd let it go, but if that's my baby Mush I want a part of it's life. I'll be an uncle, cause I'll relinquish bein' it's father, but I can't get the idea of my baby out of my head. Even if it's not mine, we were brothers once, we swore a blood oath and I know I ain't been actin' brotherly, but well………… I want it back. Cin was never worth what we went through for her."

"No she wasn't." Beau said slowly. "I can't say I trust ya Spot, we've hated each other for too long, but I ain't gonna keep ya from ya kid. Ya make a move on Bi and I swear to ya by all that's holy I'll break ya and then I'll kill ya."

"I got it." Spot replied spitting on his hand and holding it out. "Ya take care of her and I won't ever have any reason."

Beau watched him warily for a moment before spitting into his own hand and they shook on it.

"That is incredibly disgusting!" I couldn't help, but exclaim. They both chuckled before Spot gave us a grin and gamboled for the door.

"Jamie." Molly and I watched as Spot turned back and looked at Beau, expectantly. "You and your birdies guard her with ya life."

Spot nodded his face holding a look of set determination. "I swear it; by my blood I swear it."

_Sorry it's been so long since I've last updated, personal tragedy kept the muses from wanting to work. Thank you to everyone that reviewed last chapter!_


	25. Facing the Monster

Beau helped me up to my room and I sat on the bed. The day was turning to night's cool blue, rich with secrets and passion. His eyes held a soft gleam for me as I lay quietly my look softer. My life felt complete only as long as he was there. Beau stood and turned to look at me.

"I'll get ya some dinner, ya stay here and rest." He told me gently running the backs of his fingers down my cheeks. Suddenly a feeling of loss struck me so strongly, I grabbed his hand and held on.

"I don't know what I would do if I lost you." I whispered tearfully, I could feel the first slip over my eyelid to waterfall down my cheek.

"Ya ain't gonna loose me Bi." He said gently sitting next to me and pulling me into his arms. "Where did that come from?"

"I don't know, but don't leave now." I cried softly, I clung to him with a strength that surprised us both. "Please don't leave, don't leave me here alone, I'm frightened."

"Don't be." He replied with all the arrogance of youth. An arrogance that says 'I'm too young to die. Death would never touch me yet.' It is an arrogance that can be unfortunately crushed by the very thing youth is unafraid of. "I'll be right back, ya need to eat. That baby needs ya to eat and I won't have ya losin' my baby."

Unable to come up with a reasonable argument to his response, I nodded and loosened my grip on him. With a smile that was meant to comfort he set me back on the bed and stood. He glanced back at me once he had reached the door and gave me a look that clearly said 'See I'm fine.' I nodded again, unable to speak for fear I would beg him once more, not to leave me.

I waited on pins and needles for him to return, all sorts of frightening and probably impossible visions slipping into my head. He was going down stairs for food for crying out loud, not going off to war. It was this irritated thought within my own head, that forced me to get a grip on myself.

He returned with no problems, carrying with him hunks of bread, cheese, and meat. A tall glass of milk balanced in the crook of his arm.

"Molly said ya should drink all of this. It will keep ya strong for the baby." He told me, as he carefully set the glass and a plate down on my beside table. He handed me one of the plates ,and sat down reaching for the second. I looked at the plate finding I was suddenly ravenous. The smell of the beef was making my stomach ache. A bit of that same dizziness that had plagued me earlier returned. With a smile for him I, as gracefully as possible cut my meat, and raised the first bite to my mouth. I was very conscious that this was the first meal we had ever sat down and eaten together. "Ya feelin' better now?"

I looked up at him and gave him a slight smile. It was funny I had been so ravenous only a few minutes before, and now with my plate half finished, and my milk half gone I felt as though I was going to burst. With a sigh I placed the plate on the night table, and looked to the window.

What had brought on that sudden fear, where had it come from? I looked back at Beau, his face the perfect picture of health, his mind intent as only a growing boy could be, on his food. I brushed away those cobwebbed fears, and chalked them up to momentary insanity. I noticed, as I watched him that he was surprisingly well mannered as he ate. I would have expected him to fall on his food like a starved wolf, but instead he had better table manners, than some of the men I had once known.

"Lily made certain I knew how to eat right." He said softly. My cheeks flushed that he had caught my thoughts so swiftly.

"I'm sorry." I responded quietly, he mopped up the last of the juices from the meat with his bread, and set his plate under mine. He gave me a reassuring smile, as he wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me into a lying position beside him.

We lay together, the night enveloping us. My eyes were used to the night enough that I could dimly see the handles of my chest of drawers across the room. My back was nestled into his broad chest, and suddenly I wanted to feel his hands on me. I wanted to feel alive, to forget the frightening feelings of earlier, and be alive with the man I loved. Slowly I turned to him, unsure of what to do, still so new at the art of passion. My eyes rose to his, where I found him watching me, with traces of amusement on his face. Still he did nothing. I knew that he knew, what I wanted, and was waiting patiently for me to make the first move.

Still unsure I slipped my hand into his curls and drew his face close to mine. The amusement was still there, but the chocolate brown was slowly darkening. It was as if my inexperience was more seductive to him, than a practiced woman could ever be. It gave me the courage to pull his head down to me, and place that first kiss on his lips.

He continued to make no move at my hesitant, chaste kiss. Part of me was confused, less than this kiss, had set that incredible passion of his free. Had I suddenly become unattractive to him? Had I been wrong in my earlier thoughts? Had Spot set something off in him that made him not want me now?

"It's alright sweetheart." He whispered, I looked up at him knowing my fear was plain on my face. "I can practically hear that brain of your workin'. Don't think, just feel."

As his words slipped into the night, his lips gently brushed mine sending flairs of heat through me. Still he did nothing more than give me kisses, that were the most chaste he had ever given. Closing my eyes ,I took his advice and felt. It took only a matter of minutes before it was me that was deepening the kiss. It was my lips that were fastened to his. It was my tongue that traced his lips until they opened for me. He had taught me to kiss well, but beyond that, Beau had always taken the lead. It wasn't the woman's place to take the lead in lovemaking. Men were supposed to be the aggressors, the experienced ones.

However, there is something to be said for instinct. As my blood began flowing through my veins at the speed of river racing over rapids, I laid my hand on his chest, slipping through the open v at the top of his shirt and ran my hand over the bare flesh. My cheeks were flaming and my touch tentative, I had to remind myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. He was my husband, and a wife had the right to touch her husband right? Still it went against what little I had been taught, about what happened between a man and a wife. Women weren't supposed to even like this; they weren't supposed to feel passion.

I had to force myself to open my eyes and look at Beau, his lips curved into a seductive smile, a smile that was somehow encouraging. 'Don't think.' I reminded myself as I leaned closer and gently placed my lips at the spot where his jaw and his neck joined. My hands tremblingly unbuttoned the first button on his shirt. I felt the muscles in my neck and shoulders relax as he hummed softly in the back of his throat. It was a noise I recognized, a noise that told me what I was doing was all right.

I left my upper class morays behind, and devoted myself to hearing that noise again. He was patient as I undressed him. The darkness deepened slightly, until I could see the outline of him cast by the dim light coming through my windows. Had it not been dark, I doubt I would have had the courage to do what I did. I certainly wouldn't have had the courage to explore as I did.

When he could take it no longer, he took control, his hands finding the buttons of my blouse with a tremble of his own. His lips tracing my neck and making me hum, as his hands slipped the blouse from my shoulders, and moved quickly to my skirt. I felt cool air brush over my bare shoulders and legs as he pulled my pantaloons from my corset, nearly ripping them. They too slid to the floor and he pulled me to him.

He was slow and gentle, telling me he loved me with every touch. He did not need to say the words, as his hands moved to remove my corset. Before it had been hurried and passionate, in comparison to now. My heart contracted, painfully as the love that filled me struggled to reach out to him.

When finally we lay in each other's arms, our breath mingling in its haste, I felt tears streaming down my face. Looking up at his shadowed face above me, I knew he had been touched as I had. Too strong to cry at the mere act of lovemaking, he buried his face the crook of my shoulder and neck with a groan.

"I love you Bianca Meyers." He whispered, filling me with the thrill of hearing my new name for the first time. "You are mine, now and forever, promise."

"I promise." I whispered back, my voice choking a little on my tears. It was so sweet, so tender a moment I carry it with me even to this day. I take it out like a well-worn picture and remember fondly what was. I remember what it was to be so young, and so full of life and love. Softly he drew the blanket over us, and held me close, as we fell asleep still wrapped in each other's arms.

Frequently we turned to each other in the night; sometimes it was for nothing more than a gentle caress. Sometimes it turned to far more, but it was the one night that I learned, I needed never to doubt my husband's love. The one night, that he showed me what it was to make love, what it was to connect that incredible physical feeling with love. I'll never forget the lessons of that night.

Morning dawned as softly as the night had enveloped us. I found I was sore, but never had I felt more alive. The fears I had been plagued with faded in the glow of the sun. Gently Beau's hand caressed my hip, his touch telling me good morning, as he yawned sleepily and rubbed his eyes. It was amazing how with one touch, an entire greeting could be conveyed. It seemed that after the night we had shared, we no longer had need for words. Everything could be conveyed with a look or a touch.

He smiled down at me as he rolled over, and reached for his pants. My hand on his arm stayed him. As he looked back at me, his smile broadened.

"Here I had thought I was marrying a good upper class wife, and find I've saddled myself to a wanton street rat." He teased gently, before his lips met mine. "You've kept me awake all night; ya don't mean to make me late for work now do ya?"

"You wouldn't mind." I replied with an easy smile. For the first time I recognized his teasing and responded in kind.

"No…………. I wouldn't………., but how'm ………….I going to explain it……… to my boss?" he asked between kisses, his hand reaching for and cupping my breast; telling me he had no interest in leaving me for work.

"I'm not certain, but I bet you'll think of something." I told him, my hands slipping up his chest to frame his cheeks with my hands, and pull him down for another kiss. This time our lovemaking was golden tinged, and full of laughter. His hands tickling as much they teased. My heart was light, as my husband finally rose, his face smiling as he pulled his pants over his hips.

"Take care of yourself today." He told me leaning down for one more kiss. I giggled and wouldn't release him until he relented and kissed me. We were both breathless before he was done. "I mean it, no wonderin' into fights today."

"If it gives me another night like last night, I'll happily confront Cinnamon any day." I said my voice filled with the happiness I had been frightened of. Part of me realized, my fear was from the inability to trust everything that had happened to me lately. I had been certain that it was too good to be true.

It's odd how in the moment of pure joy, a shadow lurks just beyond the horizon. A shadow that we never see until it is too late. It is in our happiest moments that are the prelude to the moments that are our worst. Darkness, pure darkness hovered just beyond the light, and my greatest dream come true, was about to become my greatest nightmare.

I watched him leave that morning, his eyes twinkling with a laughter I had never seen before. He walked with a lightness, he had never had. His face glowing with a love, I knew I was lucky to be given. Little did I know I had made a mistake in Cinnamon. I should have never brushed her off as quickly as I did. She had a capability for hate, and a thirst for revenge that wouldn't be sated until I had been taken down. Forever gone from Beau's live, until Mush returned and she could make him all hers.

I lay there after he had gone, my body glowing with the love that it had been filled with over the night, and curiously despite my lack of sleep I felt energized. I felt as though I could clean every room, and still have the energy to stay up all night with Beau. I rose, stretching my arms over my head with glee. With a happy sigh, I glanced back at the rumpled covers of the bed. I dressed with visions of the happy family we would make, smiling wider at the under clothing, I had to pick up from various places all over the room.

"Well someone's nice and cheerful this mornin'." Molly said, as I entered the kitchen my happiness bubbling out of me, making it hard to miss.

"Of course I am." I told her, hugging my joy to myself. "My life has finally become what I've dreamed."

"Ya mean, ya've always wanted to marry below ya station, and live forever in a boardin' house that doesn't offer half of the opportunities ya might have had?" She asked. I had to look at her for a moment before I realized that she was teasing me as well. "are ya feelin' alright after yesterday?"

"I'm a little sore." I replied truthfully, finding that my muscles were rather stiff this morning. When I had come down I had been floating on air, now I found my forehead stung from the scrape on it and I felt as though I had been beaten black and blue. My hip hurt from the bruise that had resulted in my fall to the concrete. "You don't think it will hurt the baby do you?"

"I don't know for sure Bianca darlin', but ya appear to be fine now." Molly told me matter of factly as she handed me a bowl of oatmeal sweetened with brown sugar, apples, and raisins. "If ya start bleedin' we'll call the doctor. I'll bet Lily might part with her high falutin' doctor to treat ya even, after all ya are her neice now."

"I'm certain she's proud." I said with sarcasm and a touch of bitterness. Molly gave me a smile as moved around the table and took my face in between her hands.

"I'm proud of ya Bianca." Her tone was glowing as she looked into my eyes. "Ya found yaself a good husband and I don't know if ya could've found better on the ballroom floor."

"Me neither." I sighed; I could feel my heart swelling. If the last few days had been the hell I had to go through to become this happy, I would have done it all over again.

I spent a happy morning, helping Molly bake bread and prepare for dinner. The sun seemed to glow brighter, the smells of baking seemed to smell better, the sounds of the water tinkling in the bathtub as I cleaned was like music. I went about my day as normal, counting the minutes until my husband returned.

As the sun lowered in the sky, telling me it was near to three; I sat on the sofa in the drawing room with a book. Molly insisted that I rest, despite the fact I had never felt better, and since she knew more about child bearing than I did, I complied. I propped my feet up in a most unladylike position on the sofa, and opened the book to the first page. Loosing myself in my reading, I never heard the door open until a shadow fell across me, obscuring my light. Looking up, I found the one person that could put a damper on my mood.

"What do you want Cinnamon?" I asked, carefully marking my page and looking up. I refused to rise, least I let her know she frightened me. My heart was beating faster as she just smirked down at me. "What are you doing here? Molly!" My voice rose, as Cinnamon didn't move she was just standing there, as if she were savoring this moment.

"No need to call for help princess." She sneered. "Ya don't want anyone to know who else might be helpin' ya out here."

"What are you talking about?" My voice dropped, as my heart took a dive to my stomach.

"There was this nice gentleman that stopped to buy a pape from me this mornin', one that handed me a sweet picture of ya." Cinnamon's voice didn't change. Her eyes were gleaming with a light that frightened me beyond anything else she had done thus far. "He was wonderin' if I might have seen his cousin, it seems she's been missin' since about the time that ya turned up here. He was already to loose hope, but luckily for him I knew exactly where ya were."

"Oh god." I whispered before standing. "What did you tell him?" Cinnamon just looked at me with that smug smile. "Damn you, Molly hasn't done anything to you and you could have just gotten her killed."

"Now I wouldn't do anythin' to Jacky's cousin." She said sweetly. "Paid one of the young ones a quarter to tell her Mush'd been hurt at his new job. She left without tellin' ya, because she didn't want to worry ya. After all you're in such a delicate condition and all."

"You didn't tell him." I cried urgently, grabbing her arm and shaking her. "Tell me you at least had the decency, not to tell him I was pregnant. He'll kill the baby for sure."

"Nah, thought I'd leave that up to ya." She growled, as she pulled her arm away. I looked around me panicked, and moved for the back door. Cinnamon however, moved to the window and signaled. Knowing the life of my child depended on me getting away, I ran for the back door as swiftly as I was able.

Tears streamed down my face in absolute terror as I ran, my hand reaching for the handle of the back door just as it turned. A burly man I didn't recognize, stood in the doorway looking rather grim.

"Now ya come with me easy like girly, and it will be easier." He said, his arms rising as if to catch me.

"You touch me and I'll kill you." I hissed moving around the table, to where I knew Molly kept the knives. My hand curled around the large knife she used for cutting meat, knowing it was kept it's sharpest.

"Now, now is that the way to treat family?" My blood froze in my veins, as the voice that had haunted my worst nightmares, filled my ears. Turning slowly, my hand still clutching the knife I looked into the golden, angelic face of the devil.

"No." I breathed, my breath choking after my words, in absolute horror and dread. I backed away from him until the edge of the icebox dug into my back, and I knew I was trapped.

"No." He replied in the tone of a teacher. "Neither is running away from the only caring family member alive. I would have protected you and loved you."

My heart stopped it's beating as he moved to stand directly in front of me. I was trembling and fighting not to whimper.

"Ya…..Ya… You have no power over me." I stuttered. "I'm a married woman now, my husband has the rights over me. You have none."

I gained courage with every word. Never once did fear for Beau enter into my mind. I moved away from him and around the table. He was toying with me as he let me go, watching me with glittering eyes.

"Then I suppose we will have to remedy that." He hissed, the viper that hid beneath the polished surface slipped out. His hand shot out as I whirled toward the front door, and grabbed the hand that held my weapon. He twisted it brutally, making my hand go numb, as I slipped to my knees in agony. Tears were streaming down my face as I fought not to cry out from the pain. The knife clattered uselessly to our left, filling me with hopelessness.

One dim thought of my child forced me to relax in his grip until he started to lighten his hold. The moment he did, I was up and running, my good hand reaching for the nearest missile, which happened to be Molly's ceramic canister of flour. I heaved it at him, missing him, it hit the floor and shattered sending flour up in a powdery, white cloud.

"Damn you." He hissed, as I moved around the table. Never once did the man in the doorway move. If I could just get around the table fast enough, I might be able to make it to the front door. We circled the table, until finally I took my chance. I darted past him and my heart sang with combination of terror and hope as I reached the parlor. The doorway was clear, a shining beacon of sunlight, it was the doorway to my freedom. Just as quickly, my hopes were dashed as Cinnamon entered the doorway. Her face was a picture of innocence. Adian caught my arm, just before I could push her out of the way, and run to freedom. He swung me around and I caught him in the jaw with a weak punch. He cursed as he caught both arms and I kicked out at his shins. I heard Molly's mahogany occasional table fall to the floor, a vase of flowers falling with it, to shatter, and spraying water all over the recently polished wood. His arms tightened like bands of steel, before he sent me crashing into the man that had blocked my way earlier. This man's hands curled around my upper arms holding me far more gently than Adian, but I knew there was no way I would break free.

"Please." I whispered for his ears alone. "For the sake of my husband and child."

His eyes darkened and he closed them for a moment, before shaking his head, and I knew I had lost. Tears streamed down my face, as he dragged me from the only house I had been able to call home. Flowers were crushed on the floor from where they had been trod on. A few of Molly's knickknacks broken in the fray, were in shattered piles. Around me was ruin and destruction, and my heart felt as shattered, as I was hauled out the door. The neighbors that were home were curiously looking from windows and doorways, as they dragged me kicking and screaming into my family's coach. Not a one of them lifted a finger to help. My last sight of Molly's, was Cinnamon standing at the bottom of the stairs waving cheerfully.

Gevarah: Wow, thank you, your compliments leave me speechless. I know my writing can be flawed grammatically, and I'm working on fixing it. Unfortunately I lost my beta two years ago and can only get my husband to help on occasion. Still it's nice that despite those problems you are enjoying this. Thanks again!

_Elyse: I know, I know, I know, I'm working on it. I'm doing fine now thanks for asking!_

_Elleestjenn: Thank you for your well wishes and your review. I know it's been a while, but I'm back. Updates seem to be abounding. I hope you enjoy this chapter._

_Grams: I'm Wayyy back. Aren't you glad to see it? I thought so. Things are better and the muses are excited to get working, obviously. Can't wait to see what you think of this chapter. Love ya!_

_Pricilla2: Thanks honey, much better!_

_RiotAct: Did you expect anything less? I couldn't leave that loose end. I'd love it too. Thanks for the review. Hey would you get a move on updating already?_

_Reffy: Awwwe, thanks. You know you are the only person that has picked up on that so far. I thought no one noticed, though it's one of my favorite parts. Thank you again._

_Kez: I was waiting for that review. I've finally started to bring things to a head so I can't wait to see what you think of this chapter. Thank you for your concern, I'm fine. Well I'm working on it. I had a miscarriage and it was really hard to work on this story. Especially since Bianca's pregnant. I thought about using that in this story, but I couldn't so I had to wait until I could handle it again._

_Leslie: I'm doing better, thanks! Thank you also for your review I hope you enjoy this chapter too._


	26. Hard choices

_I want to post a little disclaimer here. I've had some comments on the fact that Adian is Bianca's cousin and had to address this. Please remember the time period of the story. In the turn of the century no one thought twice about the implications of marrying your first cousin. It was thought of as perfectly acceptable. It was not thought of in the incestuous way that we now think of it today. In fact it was only banned eventually because of the risk of hemophilia and other such hereditary diseases that happen from breeding too closely within the family. So while you may find Adian scum, and you are supposed to, it is not this relationship that makes him evil. He is acting within acceptable guidelines, considering how uneducated about such things we used to be. Thanks for baring with me, the history lesson is over, and on with the story_.

I wanted to continue to kick and scream as they drove down the street, but I knew it would be futile. It would draw attention there was no doubt of that. After all not many rich carriages are carrying screaming girls, but poor learn early not to meddle in the business of the rich. I had boxed myself in; I wasn't sure any one of my new found friends would think to help me. They would be curious, they would remember the uncommon occurrence, but they would never interfere. The one person that cared enough to try defy the classes and try to help me would be in very grave danger.

My heart pounded, my thoughts racing with my possibilities to escape. I was tempted to just open the door and throw myself from the carriage, but I couldn't. The danger to myself and my child was too great. I found myself contemplating the change in myself. Days ago I had been ready to kill myself, I hadn't cared about me, and I certainly didn't want the baby. Now I was willing to do anything to protect the innocent child within me, despite my unresolved worry as to whose child it was.

Spot perhaps wasn't the father I wanted for my child, but then he would never be more than an uncle. Beau instead was this baby's father, whether it had those cool blue eyes and blond hair, or his own chocolate brown one. My eyes caught Adian's and I glared at him for a moment, while he watched me triumphantly, before turning back to the window. My musings were broken, but I refused to acknowledge him.

My mind was torn from my now mundane worries, to the one that frightened me the most. My husband, I was certain, would come for me. That is if he could find me. I had a feeling he would guess, still he would have to track down my parent's home and that might prove difficult. That is if Adian hadn't sold it and moved elsewhere. He did have current control over such things and quite frankly I did owe him for my father's debt.

One thought kept popping into my head, there was no way Beau could come for me. Whether he wanted to or not he couldn't. He had to stay away. I glanced back at Adian to see his eyes glinting at me with an evil glare from his corner. He looked calm and relaxed, which I suppose was apropos; after all he held all the cards right now.

"We'll be home in a minute." He said to me, as though he were reminding me of a ball we had agreed to attend later that evening. I looked at him through eyes full of hatred. He seemed completely nonplussed by it. "We'll take you in the back entrance. It wouldn't do for the servants to see you dressed as they are. I'll need to think quickly."

"About?" I asked loftily raising my chin and looking at him defiantly. His jaw tightened at my insubordinate attitude, but he did nothing else. I found I was not as afraid of him as I once had been. The boys I had been subjected to in the last few months might have hit me for such an attitude. Spot didn't take defiance well, and I found him more intimidating than this man. What frightened me was the unpredictability of his mind. He had been raised a gentleman and that bought me some safety, and as long as he saw me as a lady I would be safe. The conundrum was in keeping him thinking I was a lady while I was pregnant. At the moment my only plan was to hide it, however, if he found out I would need a back up plan. He would never believe my real story, after all the girl I had left hadn't half of the knowledge of the woman he had found.

In six short months my life had drastically changed and I found as I thought about it I was no longer the person I had left as. No longer did was my mind filled with the latest ball or my newest ball gown, and I certainly wouldn't throw a tantrum about being made to wear the same dress twice. I didn't care if I got a new wardrobe for the season with the latest fashions and fabrics. My nails were ragged and hadn't been shaped in months. My hair was loosely pulled back with my hair combs and tied with a bit of ragged ribbon in a loose tail. There were certainly no expensive hair pins, and the wispy, fly-away curls that framed my face now were not results of hours of styling. In fact I was a mess, I felt somewhat self conscious. I certainly didn't look the elegantly dressed girl that was religiously groomed. I smoothed the curls behind my ears as I watched my opponent warily.

"My thoughts were about how to explain you. You've been gone for over six months and it certainly hasn't been a secret that I was searching for you." He replied as though I should have known. "I need something that sensational, but not too sensational. Something classic and well used, that might actually be believed. Amnesia perhaps, yes, on second though we will take you in the front. If you keep that dazed look upon your face we will do nicely."

"So you'll tell everyone that I was hit in the head by some mysterious accident and had amnesia?" I asked my tone ironic. "And then went about my life living with the lower class, got married and you had to take me away for my own good. Now tell me who will believe that Adian? That has to be the most trite and cliché story I've ever heard. Not to mention the fact I'm not unsuitably tarnished."

"How are you tarnished?" He questioned sharply, his eyes narrowing dangerously. I was treading on a thin road here, one slip and I'd fall to my death. I realized that the idea of my marriage had not worried him for he hadn't considered the fact I might have been intimate with Beau. I almost laughed at his naivety; there was no woman in her right mind that would have said no to Beau Meyers, especially being married to him. I kept my face neutral as I thought quickly.

"I married below my class Adian. I hope you have no delusions as to what that will do to my reputation." I said coolly. "Whether my husband or I were intimate will have no bearing on that fact. Even if I hadn't married, just entering the lower class will have tarnished me."

"Were you intimate with him?" he hissed, his hand wrapping painfully around my wrist and jerking me forward. I fought to keep my balance and myself on the carriage seat. I wasn't about to go sprawling in a heap to the floor of the carriage. I wasn't going to allow him the upper hand like that. His eyes were like obsidian marbles, black as night and his soul. Perhaps I had underestimated him, for no matter how hard and frightening Spot could be there was no evil in his eyes.

He was proud determined and ruthless, but the fact he had saved my life on the Brooklyn Bridge told me he was no where near compatible to the evil that made it's nest in the heart of my cousin. My heart pounded in my chest, the metallic taste of fear live in my mouth. The danger that I had put Beau in truly hit home, looking into those eyes I realized that for a moment I had forgotten the true depth of evil I had previously glimpsed under that beautiful façade. He was a man that could make you weep with the shear glory of his beautiful face, but his soul was as dark as his face was angelic.

"Do you think I was?" I asked returning his question with one of my own in hopes of not having to outright lie.

"Poor man." He laughed his moods almost frighteningly mercurial. "Married to one of the most beautiful girls in New York and I'd bet he slept on that parlor couch or in another room. I'd say it's too bad you'll become a widow, but I'd probably just be putting the poor man out of his misery. Your prudery sets new levels. I had thought with that nasty temper of yours you would have been a fiery passionate little thing, but instead I found you to be cold fish. Perhaps you can still be taught"

"What makes you think that I'll become widowed?" I asked softly, my mind bypassing even the insults to me.

"Because any man that would marry you would die to make certain you came home to him." Adian chuckled, the evil in his voice making me feel dirty. "No man would let a woman like you go. Do you think your precious husband married you for your brain and sweet disposition? Come now my beauty, think of it. While you might be clever, you have the disposition of a spoiled pet. Why I'd bet the people that you forced your company upon, are glad to be rid of you. You probably had them scrubbing your shoes and making your favorite sweets before your first week was out. You couldn't have survived otherwise. Still despite all of your faults there's one thing a man can't resist and that is a beautiful woman. You're a regular Helen of Troy my dear"

"What if he kills to keep me?" I questioned my voice sharp, my heart was in my throat making it hard to breathe let alone speak. Once I would have been foolish enough to think it romantic to have men fighting over me. Once I would have preened at the comparison to the ill fated Helen of Troy; now the thought of Beau being hurt for my benefit terrified me.

"Do you think I am afraid of a man that wouldn't assert his lawful rights as a husband," Adian sneered, "a man that would allow his beautiful wife to push him away? Trust me when you become a widow, your new husband will not be so cowardly."

"What makes you think I would marry you?" I cried, the mere thought enough to give me nightmares.

"You have any choice my dear?" Adian asked in amusement "This is a man's world. I am as of now your legal guardian, with the power and connections to annul your current marriage should the coward choose not to attempt to regain you. I also hold complete power of whom you marry and whom you do not. Should you decide that marrying me is too odious, I will find a more suitable match for you, and trust me you'll wish for death inside of a week."

"Why would you want to marry me any how?" I whispered. "Beauty is not something that drives you. Not beauty alone. My parents squandered their wealth so what could possibly make you want me?"

"No though you will make the perfect wife in your appearance, you are also the last remaining Windsor. Since your father failed to produce a male heir, and had no brothers, that leaves you the remaining heir to the family. A family that could open doors for me that socially I could never breach alone. The Worthington's status among the New York elite were noticeably lower. The Rockefellers would never welcome me into their home, but you they would be most happy to."

"Status? That what this is about?" I cried in disbelief. "You want to marry me purely for status?"

"What more does a man have Bianca?" he asked smoothly. "A beautiful and well bread wife and his status will raise him further than he ever could have dreamed. You're as blue blooded as they come. You would still be titled had your family not participated in the American Revolution."

I glanced out the window and found myself in a familiar part of town; we were mere minutes away from my parent's home. As I glanced back at Adian I found him watching me like cat that has gotten the cream, there was nothing further I could say. There was nothing that would change his mind about Beau and nothing that would convince him to free me.

The gates opened to my parent's town home, the brown stone just barely visible from behind the stone walls that surrounded it. I felt a sense of déjà vu, after all there were many times I had ridden in this coach and entered the grounds of my parent's home. Yet a part of me was seeing this place for the first time. The carriage came to a stop just in front of the door and I remained silent as Adian's man took my arm and pulled me along behind his boss.

I remained silent as we entered the place I had once called home. The foyer hadn't changed one bit. The marble mermaid filled the basin below her with an urn, making the fountain tinkle merrily. The graceful grand stairway was in the center of equally graceful arches. The parlor lay to my left and the smoking room to my right. The dining room and ballroom were located just beyond those arches with my father's study and the library. Hot house roses scented the air, and were arranged precisely and elegantly from crystal vases upon mahogany console tables. My last look at my childhood home had been from this room. I had slipped through the heavy mahogany doors without anyone being the wiser. It seemed as though I had run from my nightmare only to be returned to it at the precise moment I had left. This time I had to remind myself there was far more at stake.

"Take her upstairs and draw a bath." Adian ordered to the servants that had paused in shock at the sight of me. "Make certain she is properly dressed for dinner, and burn those rags."

I allowed them to lead me upstairs and into my room. Just as foyer, nothing had changed. My night clothing still lay pooled on the floor from where I had left it the night I had left. My wardrobe was still open from where I had rifled through it to find something to wear. It even still smelled of the expensive perfume my parents had given me for my last birthday. It had been specially mixed for me by a master so that no one else would have the distinction of smelling as I did.

It wouldn't have been particularly hard to forget my life for the past months and live as I had. My heart sank as I realized I would have to. I would have to return to my life as it had been, and I dreaded it. I didn't want to be surrounded by shallow people looking for shallow amusements. I would rather have been in the kitchen learning to cook from my parent's chef. There was no hope for anything else.

I had gotten Beau into this, I had put his life in danger, and the only honorable thing to do would be to cut him free. I had to let him go. After dinner I would write him a note. My desk still stood in the left corner of the room, and I crossed to it thankful to find my stationary within. Yes, I would write him a note and find some way to get it to one of the newsies. If I remembered correctly there was one that delivered the newspaper directly to the housekeeper each morning. They all seemed to know each other and Beau had been a Manhattan newsie.

I could hear the water in my personal bathroom running just adjacent to my room. The windows dominated the wall to the right of my desk. The filmy silk curtains allowed the fading light of the day into my room, heavy rose velvet curtains covered would cover them at night to keep the sun from waking me in the morning. Walking to the chaise lounge sitting just in front of those windows, I found it still held the wrapper that matched the nightgown lying on the floor. Impulsively I picked it up, and ran my hands over the soft lavender silk. Yellowed lace spilled from its neckline and sleeves, a thick satin ribbon shades darker would tie just under my breasts to hold it closed. I had forgotten its beauty.

As I looked around my room and while I was not seduced by the beauty of my surroundings, I did appreciate it. Everything was simple, elegant and outrageously expensive. Just before my parents had died they had redecorated my room. My mother and I had spent hours picking out the watered silk that covered the walls, and the heavy mahogany furniture. Some of things had been specially brought from Europe. A dressing table that had been rumored to be from Versailles sat only feet from the chaise lounge. A soft breeze ruffled the silk and I knew that the door leading to the balcony had been opened to air out my room.

The balcony, I was struck with a sudden epiphany. Surely it wouldn't occur to Adian to guard the balcony, he still believed me to be the spoiled snob that had left. I had actually contemplated it the first time I had left, but it had been too high and I had been afraid of tearing my dress. Quickly I slipped through the door and found exactly why it wasn't guarded. There was at least an eight foot drop from the balcony to the lush grass and gardens below. A trellis one either side held the roses that would burst into bloom in the late summer. Right now they were hibernating for winter. Curiously I thought about the trellis, but I wasn't certain they would hold me and I couldn't risk falling. No matter what happened I was determined this child would live.

It would have to be a last resort. For the moment I would have to pretend that Beau had never touched me and heavily corset my thickening waist to keep Adian from finding out. My only choice it seemed was to wait it out until Adian trusted me enough to let up his guard and I could slip away again. I could only hope I could find someone to help me get back to my husband. What happened from there I had no idea, but I would bet Beau would come up with a plan. If only he would wait a that long.

"Miss your bath is ready." I looked up distractedly to find the shy ladies maid that my mother had hired three years ago, standing in the doorway to the balcony.

"Thank you Annie." I said softly before turning my attentions back on the ground below. I missed her look of shock as not once in the entire time she had been employed had I ever thanked her.

"I've laid out your blue gown miss; you haven't had a chance to wear it." Annie continued cautiously. "If Miss would come in and take her bath, I'll help you dress."

I looked at her distractedly and realized she was telling me we hadn't much time until dinner. It was as close to telling me I needed to hurry as the woman had ever been allowed utter. How horribly I had treated her, I was suddenly ashamed as never before at the girl I had been.

"Thank you Annie," I repeated. "I'll bathe right away."

She nodded as I turned from the balcony and disappeared into my room. I had almost reached the door when I heard a soft thump from directly behind me. Turning swiftly I found a grubby street urchin looking at me worriedly. His red hair curled from under his hat in an unruly tangle and his hands were covered in black ink telling me he was a newsboy.

"What are you doing?" I hissed, shutting the door lest Annie hear us. I wasn't certain I could trust any of the servants. I had treated them abominably my entire life and I wouldn't have blamed them if they were loyal to Adian. It would serve me right actually.

"Spot said to watch ya." The kid said shrugging his shoulders. "Crow and I split up, he went back to Brooklyn to get Spot and I followed ya. Had to make sure ya were okay."

"You can get a message to Spot?" I asked that one fact sticking in my mind all the rest went completely over my head. He nodded eagerly.

"I was gonna meet Crown 'n' him back at Molly's, so I could show 'em now to find ya." He told me as he rubbed his nose. "Figured Mush was gonna want ta know too."

"NO!" I cried putting my hands out to as if to stop him. He looked at me startled. "I don't want you showing either of them were I am. Do you understand me? They can't know, they'll be killed."

"Awe, ya worryin' too much." He laughed. "Ain't no one that can kill Spot Conlon, and if ya put Mush with him their damn near unbeatable."

"You don't understand………." I trailed off as I realized I didn't know his name. He smiled at me and ducked his head.

"The names Copper." He said spitting in his hand hand and holding it out. I looked at it for a split second before he quickly wiped his hand on the seat of his pants. "Sorry."

"It's fine." I said shortly, my tone impatient. "The man that brought me here will kill them. He has my father's guns and the police on his side. They'll die and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Please, please do not show them where I am. Keep them away from here at all costs."

"An' what am I supposed to tell them?" Copper queried his face confused. "Ya think me tellin' them not to come's gonna stop them? Once ya under the protection of Spot Conlon, ya don't get out from under it unless ya really mess up. An' ya Mush's girl, he ain't gonna just stay away because ya tell him to. Ya gotta protect ya girl no matter what."

"Tell them I came home willingly." I ordered my mind racing, as I hurried to come up with a credible lie. I can't say that I've ever been very good at them. "Tell them I've decided that I'm much happier here, that this life can give me far more than they can. Tell Mush that I've decided I don't and can't ever love him. That Adian's getting an annulment as you're telling him this and I'm marrying him."

My heart ached as I said the last lie and I realized how hopeless I found my situation. I knew then that I didn't believe I could escape. I didn't believe I could be rescued and had accepted my fate. Copper looked at me for a moment then nodded.

"You've got all that?" I questioned and again he nodded.

"Why do ya think I'm one of Spots birdies?" he asked me. "Got a memory like an elephant, least that's what he tells me."

"Alright then." I said stepping back and watching him start to climb over rail of the balcony and latch onto the trellis. He couldn't have been more than seventy pounds and the trellis was pulling away from the wall a bit, which told me I couldn't go down it without killing myself.

Turning away from the only help I was likely to get I went inside to bathe. Annie was no where to be found and I could only hope she hadn't seen me with Copper. If Adian detained him, Beau would come and I couldn't chance that. Frightened at the idea I swiftly entered the bathroom and shut the door. There was a window to the left of the bathroom that faced the street. Our house sat far enough back that we didn't need to worry about street traffic looking in the window and most days just the gauzy curtains were all that covered it. Pushing the curtains aside I was relieved to see Copper climbing the gate at the edge of our property. I watched as he dropped nimble on the other side and turn to his left before running away.

I leaned my head against the cool glass and felt the tears come. Now I had only to find a way to keep my child alive. Even if I managed to convince Adian not to kill me once he found out, the only way the child would live is if I gave it up. I would never see my child grow, it would be sent to one of the countless orphanages and left for someone who barely cared to raise it. Perhaps I could arrange it so the baby was sent to Beau or Spot. Surely they would care for the child or at least keep it from the rootless existence they had grown up in. I had heard somewhere that Spot had begun being raised in the orphanage surely he couldn't send a child that might be his to such a place.

The tears were sliding down silently down my face, my grief too great to even allow sobs. The grief of first heartache, and the pain that had followed did nothing to prepare me for the pain of loosing a child. For that is how it would have to be the child might as well be dead to me. I knew it would haunt me for the rest of my life. I would mark each birthday and ache for what I could never have. What had seemed to be the perfect life earlier this morning crumbled before me like ashes in the wind.

_Detroit: It is rather dark, but then if you look at it Battle with Fate it is rather dark too. I'm glad you enjoy it regardless. I actually didn't think the POTC fic was particularly liked. However, if you like it I'll see what I can do about an update. Thanks again!_

_Leslie: Damn Cinnamon, what's wrong with her? Hmm I think I could go on and on. After so many minor climaxes I think it is time for me to finally get around to it. Thank you!_

_Elyse: Yes, it was very difficult to start this one again. I'm doing fine now, it just took some time to be able to come back to writing. They say time heals everything and while I still hurt, it's helping a little to get back to something I love. Spot has been a tricky character in this story, but I think he'll rise above his previous demeanor. He'll grow up just as quickly as Beau and Bianca. That's all I can give you for now, and thanks._

_Elleestjean: Yeah that seems to be the consensus, but then if you liked Cinnamon and Adian I think there would be no story. Stories can't be mundane completely or we'd never read them. Thanks!_

_ConlonsGirl: What about poor Mush? You're so sure about Spot, but she is married to Mush. He is the one with the more connections I know. After all it was his birdy that followed her. Seriously though thanks for the review, it's nice to know that someone appreciates what I'm doing here._

_Rumor: What are you jealous about? Yeah, I sighed a little bit too. It was supposed to be sweet, a complete contrast to what was going to come. Beau's a conundrum. It's my word today sorry. I love it anywho, we know though how much I love to create contradictions between my characters. I think it makes them interesting. I've heard that it makes them more real, but that's just the reviews talking. There is darkness on the way. Tear jerking darkness so get your Kleenex ready. Yeah, I made grams ecstatic, can't wait for your next review._


	27. The Path is Set

I bathed my tears slipping silently down my cheeks as the scent of my perfume wafted from the bath water. My tears were dried when Annie appeared in the doorway, towel in hand signaling the end of my bath. I allowed Annie to dress me, and sat patiently as she swept my hair onto my head in an intricate sweep of curls. My mother's pearl combs were slipped into the coiffure and I bit down on the tears that threatened me again. She had given them to me just before my sixteenth birthday. She had told me I was to wear them for my coming out ball. A ball they died before, a ball that never happened. They would have matched the beautiful white dress that had never been finished.

I wasn't particularly upset about the ball. After all I hadn't missed more than a chance to be paraded before society. A chance to be viewed by the matrons of society and deemed appropriate or not for their sons. Before my little stint in the poorer way of life, I had looked forward to it eagerly with a confidence that bordered on arrogance. After all I had been deemed the brightest star in the New York firmament since my early teens. Had my life not taken a drastic turn off my original path and my parents hadn't died I would be engaged by now. I breathed a sigh of relief for I would never have had the passion and love I had experienced with Beau. My heart ached as I pictured his handsome face. Softly I touched the combs that had brought on my reverie. My mother had told me the night she had given them to me she hoped I would wear them next for my wedding. She had confided that they had been given to her by my father on for their wedding.

What a disappointment I surely would have been. I closed my eyes, and for a moment I could have sworn I felt my mother's hand on my shoulder. It was a gesture she had often given me just before a ball we were to attend. It was a gesture meant to give confidence. I could smell her perfume, a special scent that had been created by the same master that had made mine. Most of all I could feel a bit of warmth instill itself within me, as if to offer me immunity to the cold that was sweeping around me once again.

"Miss, dinner is ready." Annie told me softly, and I opened my eyes feeling ridiculous, but comforted all at one time. I stood and strode across my room feeling much stronger. Feelings were swirling about within me. Fear, foreboding, but under it all was the blossoming knowledge that it would turn out as it was to be. No matter what I did now my life was on a path that I couldn't deviate from, nor could I stop. I was steaming ahead like a train without brakes and I could only pray that no one would be hurt in the eventual crash.

I paused in the portrait lined the walls of the upper hallway. Some my mother had told me had been brought from England when my family had still held a dukedom. I stopped at the one of my mother and father. My mother's black hair and fair skin, and my father's blonde, violet eyes and blue stared back at me. I had inherited my coppery gold hair from my father's mother I had been told. It was the reason they had named me for her. I found her picture and looked into eyes that were the only difference between us. Hers were an interesting hazel, while mine were the same violet as my mothers. Father had told me she had been a strong woman, a woman to be reckoned with. I could only pray I could be as strong as my grandmother in spirit as my looks were to her.

Finally I stopped before the last a portrait of myself nearly a year before. I looked into my own eyes to see an innocence and naivety that I knew no longer held. I longed to be that girl, just as I felt pity toward her. She had never known the emotions I had; she looked back at me aloofly, coldly, emotionlessly. At the same time without feelings she didn't know pain. I didn't know which was worse, the pain, or the coldness.

"Bianca!" Adian's voice drifted up from the hall below and I knew I had tarried too long. I moved swiftly down the stairs and into the dining room, without looking at the incredible beauty of my surroundings. I entered the dinning room cautiously after all I did not know exactly what I might find. I did not know for certain what he would have planned. Noting there was no bed in the corner I wryly told myself to calm down. The mahogany paneling of the room glowed a rich red brown in the candle light which was the only means of light in the room. The table was still polished to a nearly mirror like sheen, it's wood matching the paneling and the rich burgundy velvet of the chairs. Under my feet was a burgundy and gold oriental rug that was soft and plush. The chandelier, which was one of the few lights in the house that had not been converted to electricity, had not been lit. I smiled for a moment remembering that my mother had fought with my father over it, as she had found the candles in it quaint and romantic. The smiled dimmed as I realized the room was lit by heavy gilt candelabras alone, sending smell of beeswax slipping elusively through the air. Red roses filled vases through out the room, giving their soft fragrance. Candlelight glinted off the crystal vases edged in gold. It would have been the perfect setting if I had been there with Beau.

One of the maids slipped into the room opening the swinging door between the dining room and the kitchen. She carried a ornately carved silver bowl topped with a matching lid. The scent of roasted quail slipped from the kitchen and nearly sent me to my knees with an overwhelming feeling of nausea. Obviously my favorite dish was no longer my favorite by order of the baby.

"Are you well my dear?" Adian asked as he moved from the shadows so swiftly I wondered if he had been one of them. It was uncanny how well he fit into the darkness.

"I fear the smell of quail is making me horribly ill." I said with the perfect amount of apology and humor. It was my hope that I might be able to escape back up to my room and not be forced into the company of my nemesis's presence.

"The cook has prepared this dish specifically for you." His voice was stiff and his eyes were narrowing. "Despite the fact that you find my presence odious, you will have to learn to sit civilly during dinner for our guests."

"What guests are those?" I asked sweeping my arm around me to bring to his attention the room that was empty except for us.

"Our future guests." He replied with a cool little smile as he slid a chair out from the table and gestured for me to sit. I glared at him, but seeing that I wasn't going to be able to gracefully slip away I sat. It was not in me to cause such a breach of etiquette as to run away in a huff. Certainly not in the formal dining room of my parents home. They would roll over in their grave, if I did. A lady did not leave the table without excusing herself, and if the host did not allow her leave she was to remain where she was. Only extreme circumstances would allow such breach of etiquette and since I wasn't ready to retch onto the table yet so I was going to have to sit through dinner.

It amazed me that I might have been rude, except that my parent's house seemed to be forcing me to remain polite. All the training that had been hammered into my head was coming back full force. The finishing school I had been sent to was quite clear on the expectations of my behavior and though I chaffed against it I couldn't disobey my learning.

Adian gently moved my chair in and as he released the chair his hand brushed my breast in an unexpected caress. My eyes quickly found his to see the smug smile on his face. I wanted to slap him, but restrained myself. It was a gesture that Spot Conlon might have resorted to and I found it indeed odious.

"You will be mine." He whispered in my ear as he gently kissed my jaw. Unable to help it I wiped the area with my napkin before dropping it into my lap. He laughed as he moved toward his seat. "For our mutual benefit."

"What benefit may I ask is that?" I queried as he sat, the maids took this as a sign to begin the meal. I could only hope they would hurry it along. Carefully I ate the lobster bisque of the first course hoping the baby would take offense to this favorite too and allow me to leave dinner, unfortunately the baby did not comply.

"You shall be as rich as you once were and I shall have the social standing I crave." Adian replied as though I should have of course known that. It appeared he was getting the better end of the deal. I had no delusions; Adian would get rid of me as soon as someone new and better presented themselves. By that point though I was betting I would be ready to meet my maker. I had a few questions already about the fairness of life.

Adian spoke through dinner, but I did not listen. I gave response that were appropriate at the appropriate moments, but my mind was turned within. My hand rested unconsciously on the stomach that was only slightly and unnoticeably rounded. If I remained here I knew Adian wouldn't force an abortion. The legalities of such an act would cause him to quibble in the least. It was the fact that they were tricky at best and the doctors that performed them were little more than butchers. Women often died during such a procedure and often were rendered barren if they lived. If he married me I would be expected to give him an heir. I dismissed the brief thought that I could pass this child off as his. I was nearly two and a half months a long. A child born that early was likely to be sickly or to die. I couldn't maintain the lie.

He could cause me to have a miscarriage. He certainly wouldn't want to toss me down the stairs, but there were herbs for such things. I had learned of them from the Swan. If I could continue to hide it for the next couple of weeks he wouldn't be able to use them. He couldn't risk using such herbs at that point; I would be at as much a risk as if I had an abortion. He needed me alive and well, at least long enough to gain my property and the social standings of my name. He wouldn't be received at the Rockefellers without me, which meant he would have to keep me a few years before he could come up with an "accident". He needed me to pave the way. Perhaps I could use that as a bargaining chip my child. I could after all make his path difficult if not impossible if I spread rumors about him. There were many ways I could make him ill suitable for society.

With this cheering thought, I suffered through dinner, and breathed a sigh of relief once the stifled affair was over. Adian bid me goodnight at my room, there were servants about and I was grateful for it. Instead of slipping into my room with me as I am certain he would have preferred, he kissed my hand in a gentlemanly fashion, and turned down the hall to his own room.

My routine from here was so familiar I slipped into it without thinking. I sat in front the mirror as Annie pulled the combs from my hair and secured them in the jewelry box sitting on the table. I closed my eyes to mere slits as she gently brushed my hair until it shone, careful not to pull it. After all, previously I might have slapped her with the very hairbrush she was using, if she caused me the slightest pain. Shame colored my cheeks at my previous self, I was aghast at my actions. The idea of not having to fight my hair into submission was such a luxury by now that I was incredibly thankful.

"Annie." I said softly, as I stood and turned for her to unbutton the series of unbelievably small buttons, which ran the length of the back of my gown. "I am horribly sorry for the abominable way I have treated you during your employment here."

Glancing over my shoulder I saw she had stopped in mid unbuttoning, her face slack with shock. We looked at each other for a moment before she ducked her head, and began unbuttoning again.

"Don't think on it miss." She said softly, while she freed the last button and helped me slip the dress from my shoulders.

"No really, I was a horribly spoiled brat to be gentle about it and I am very sorry for my behavior." I replied taking her hand in both of mine. "I was never grateful for the services you have provided and I greatly appreciate them."

She gave an uncomfortable nod in response and I let go of her hand. It was as though she didn't know how to react, or what to say, so she did what she had always done. She took a pale gold silk nightgown from the wardrobe and helped me slide into it. Only when the matching gossamer georgette and lace wrap had been secured did Annie say anything.

"Will you need anything else miss?" she asked when I shook my head and turned for one of the chairs before the fire, she turned to leave. "Oh and miss you should rub some more lotion into your hands. They've become rough while you were away."

I looked up to find her watching me hesitantly waiting for my response. I gave her a smile and a nod. "Thank you Annie." I said softly, she returned my smile before turning and leaving me alone. I moved to the door as it quietly was shut and turned the key in the lock before removing it. I set it on the small ornate table that sat next to the door, just next to the vase of roses. I wasn't certain how well it would deter Adian, but I could only pray I would be safe with my door locked.

I shivered as a brisk breeze whipped through the room sending the oil lamps and the fire dancing madly. The electric light sconces from around my room had been turned off for the night. I had always preferred the light of the oil lamps and candles at night, now they made the shadows leap on the walls in an eerie way. Gooseflesh broke out on my arms and I shivered in response. Rubbing my arms to warm them, I moved toward the door with the intention of shutting the door and locking it for the night. I shook my head thinking it was odd, I thought it had been shut when I had returned to my rooms.

My heart contracted in my chest as a dark figure slipped through the billowing curtains, and into the lamplight. We looked at each other wide eyed, my hands clamped over my mouth in an attempt to muffle the frightened scream that had slipped from my mouth. We both waited for a moment to see if anyone had heard before speaking.

"Well that's the first time I've caused that reaction." He said, running a hand through his hair, the gesture both a nervous one and a relieved one.

"Spot Conlon, what are you doing here." I snapped in a hushed tone. "Adian will kill you if he finds you here."

"We got ya message." He said in response, slipping his hands into his pockets as he looked around him, he whistled softly before his cool eyes came back to rest on me. "Some place ya got here."

"You knew where I came from, which is half the reason I think you wanted me." I retorted folding my arms over my unfettered chest, where I could see his eyes lingering.

"Ya look like a goddess." He told me, his expression softening. He licked his lips before looking away, with a pained expression on his face.

"I hardly think that is an appropriate statement." I said stiffly. The last thing I needed was to stir up the rivalry between this man and my husband.

"I don't mean it like that." He replied, looking back at me his eyes narrowing. "I just mean ya look good here. Ya clean up real nice. Anyhow, we got ya message and ya can't possibly think we'd believe it do ya?"

"Why not?" I asked loftily raising my chin and looking at him rather belligerently. "Can you look around and not see why I would choose such a place over where I was living."

"Ya said ya would rather die that stay here, than be caught by him." Spot replied in a tone that told me he was both amused and wasn't buying a bit of it. "Ya slept with me to protect the man ya love, and to save yaself from the man that's holdin' ya ,and ya think we're gonna believe ya suddenly all cozy with him? Not to mention ya pregnant Bi, what's he gonna do when he finds ya gonna have a baby?"

"He needs me." I said simply, deciding to lay all my cards on the table. "He needs me to enter society at the level he would like to be at. I'll trade my life and my baby's for that chance. Obviously I'll have to disappear from society, but we can explain that away as an extended honeymoon. I'm hoping to have the baby sent to its father. If Beau won't take it, I'm praying you will."

"Ya gonna give ya child up and live here?" Spot asked with a coldness in his voice that made me shiver. "I thought ya were cold and heartless when ya appeared, but I never figured ya for such a bitch."

"Don't judge me Spot." I hissed my fists clenching in my hands so hard I could feel my nails biting into my palms. Viciously I blinked away the tears and looked at him defiantly. "Do you think Adian will let this child live here? I'm praying he won't smother it as soon as it's born. The only way for this child to live is for me to give it up."

"And what about Mush and I, ya think we're gonna leave ya here?" Spot queried sharply. "Ya think Mush is gonna get over ya like he did Cinnamon? Ya think that this won't destroy him?"

"I don't know what else to do." I said, my voice wavering and finally breaking. I turned away from him as the tears spilled over my cheeks and my shoulders shook with sobs I had to force to silence. "I can't let him die Spot, and I know if he comes here he will. Adian will kill him and the law will be on his side. What can a newsie turned merchandise unloader do against an affluent man? What are you and Beau going to do against a man that could kill you and be in the right in the eyes of those in authority?" I cried whirling back to him, my wrapper swirling around me, my nightgown swaying against my ankles, my hair flying around me.

He closed the distance between us and before I knew what he was doing he slipped his arms around me and my head came to rest on his chest. My tears soaked his shirt as he gently rubbed my back in an effort to calm me. He made soft noises of comfort that made no sense, but soothed me none the less. Finally as my shoulders relaxed at the tears came slower he pulled back, his hands sliding to my shoulders. He gave me a little shake to make me look up at him.

"We're gonna figure this out." He promised his eyes once again soft. "We're gonna get ya away from here and ya gonna start a new life with Beau. Ya gonna raise this baby, ya gonna see it grow, I promise."

"I'd rather destroy him, than watch him die." I hiccupped trying to gain control of my emotions.

"It ain't gonna come to that." He told me, but I didn't believe him. I wanted to, but I couldn't, there was something that was whispering to me. Something that was telling me that if Beau came here he wouldn't leave.

"Do what you think you need to." I said slipping from his grip and turning to stare into the dancing flames in the fire. "Just promise me one thing. You will keep Beau away from here. Any attempts at heroics to save me you and your friends have planned you make Beau stay away."

"I don't know that I can do that." Spot sighed. "He ain't the type to stand back and wait while someone else rescues his wife."

"I don't care what type he is, I want him to be alive." I said firmly. "I know if he comes here he won't live. I know it in my bones like I've never known anything else in my life. Make sure of it Spot, keep him from here and I will give you anything."

"Anythin'?" Spot asked raising any eyebrow caddishly. At my glare he lifted his hand in submission. "I was jokin' really, I was. I'll do what I can."

"Where is he anyway?" I questioned looking around me as though I expected him to jump out at any time.

"He's at Molly's with my boys and some of Jacky's boys. They're tryin' to come up with some plans. I thought I'd slip away and make sure ya were alright. We had to restrain Mush from comin' after ya. Ya left quite a mess at Molly's, we was afraid ya might have been hurt."

"No." I said shaking my head. "I'm fine at least physically."

"Keep yaself that way." He told me as he moved toward the door. He looked back at me his hand on the door handle. "I'll be back for ya, I'll do what I can about Mush."

"Thank you." I offered. He nodded before slipping through the door and into the night. I looked around my now empty room and sighed. It appeared after all the excitement of the day there was nothing else for me to do other than go to bed.

I moved through the room extinguishing the lamps and banking the fire. My heart ached as I sat on my lonely bed and for the life of me I didn't know how I was going to sleep without the usual warm body that had occupied my bed.

With a sigh I slipped between the sheets and rested my head on a soft down pillow. I was certain I was never going to be able to sleep. Still in an attempt at it I closed my eyes. When I opened them again I found myself in the sun warmed atrium where my mother and I had genteelly tended to the climbing roses and various orchids. To my surprise I found my mother kneeling before her favorite flower, an orchid that my father had brought back from South America. It had been all the rage in the late 1800's to own orchids and my father had paid specially for an unnamed orchid. He had named it Isabella's Glory after her. It had the same violet as her eyes, he had said.

"I'm sorry my darling." My mother said drawing my attention back to her. I was not afraid; after all I must be sleeping. It was the dead of night, and I could feel the sunlight on my back as I faced her.

"Hello mother, what are you doing in my dreams?" I asked stiffly. She rose gracefully and stood directly in front of me. I couldn't help the coolness of my voice or my gaze. This was the woman that had been less than a friend to me my whole life.

"There is much I need to tell you." She said simply as she turned to the rose bushes in front of her, gently fingering nearly spent bloom. Deftly she clipped it off and let it fall into the basket that was just below.

"Advise for me Mummy?" she looked at me with a slightly exasperated expression as I continued to look at her coldly.

"I know that I did not act as a mother should." She told me. "I want you to know that your father and I loved you in our own fashion. I understand that wasn't enough, but we tried."

"You _tried_?" I asked incredulously. "You _tried_? You left me in debt far beyond any means to pay it off. You gave Adian the chance to swoop in and take advantage of the fact that I was no in his debt."

"And had you not been left in debt would you have married your husband?" she questioned, one perfect eyebrow raised, an expression that was a mirror of my own when I was triumphant.

"And you think that it was a good thing that happened in my life?" I was incredulous. I was so certain she would be disappointed and upset at the way my life had currently turned out.

"I can't say that I would have been happy with all the choices you made. Still things that were so important when you're alive are not as important when you are no longer." She replied as she moved from rose bush to rose bush pruning the dying and checking the living. "I certainly wasn't happy about your lack of wedding ring before you gave yourself to a man still I understand the circumstances. I approve of your husband. He is a good man, as is his friend that seeks to help you both. Remember that, despite all that will happen his friend is a good man, he will try to do what is right and you must allow him."

"What riddle is this?" I questioned, I watched as she continued to move incredulity freezing me. What was she talking about. "Spot, are you talking about Spot."

"He's about to shed that name and he will be known as James again. He will have to grow up over night, as will you. You've grown so much my darling." She paused in front of me as she gently caressed my cheek. "It has been amazing to see you turn from a petulant girl into a self sufficient woman. We named you for the grandmother you look like and you have more of her strength within you than you currently know. It is that strength that will get you through any trial know that. Remember without pain there is no growth, without pain you can not always take the path you should have."

"How can you be saying this?" I cried. "You're talking about the boy that soiled my honor that took my good name. I was a party to it certainly, but I don't know what other choices I had. I took the shame. I knew what I did, and I did it for a man that I loved, the man I am married to. You must be ashamed of me. Why are you not angry at him?"

"You are angry enough for both of us." She told me. "Let your anger go at this man, you will need him in the days to come. As for your father and I, as I said before we are not happy at some of the choices you've made, but you found love. Your father and I married for love darling, you know that. We were not exactly of the same social standing, but I was accepted since I was the poor daughter of Italian royalty. Your husband would never be accepted in the circles we once frequented, but I don't believe that bothers you any longer. We may have spent frivolously and been rather shallow, and our love may have eclipsed the love we should have showered you with. Still we had always hoped you would one day make a love match yourself. We would have accepted your husband into our family. We have accepted him and will watch over him when the time comes."

"What do you mean?" I whispered fear making me choke the words out. My mother looked at me with eyes so full of pity I wanted to cry. Gently she took me into her arms as she never had before, not even when I had been a small child.

"There is pain in your future Bianca, I can not shield you from it, but know that it will work out as it was meant to." She said stroking my back, comfort was filling and relaxing me. "Know that you will be loved and cherished. Know that your husband will be happy."

"I am frightened Mother." I told her in a small childlike voice, she released me, but captured my hands in hers.

"I can not help that either Bianca." She informed me. "However know your future shall be secure. Your father and I did not leave you penniless Bianca. You do not need Adian's money to leave the city. Should you need it, there is money hidden in the library. Look behind Shakespeare. You'll need it. It is morning now wake and know your life will be as it should be."

_Leslie: Mr. Conlon is indeed proving himself. It's about time too. I wanted him so much to be the bad guy, but I'm a die hard fan and I guess I just couldn't bring myself to doing it. We'll see what happens next. Thank you for your review._

_Grams: Very important turning point. Next chapter I think will be the climax. Awe, honey I live vicariously through my characters. You know how in the Ya Ya Sisterhood she says if I'd had an easy childhood I wouldn't have anything to write about. Well if I had a romantic guy I wouldn't have anything to write about either. Dan is as romantically challenged as they come. Is that enough darkness for you? Thanks for the review grams. _

_Elyse: Of course it didn't convince them. When do men ever listen? Thank you, I'm glad you hate Adian. He really is a slime isn't he? Thank you for your review!_

_Elleestjenn: Sorry about that. Poor Mush, we love him I promise we do. Here's your update. Thanks for the review!_

_Conlon's Girl: I hate not being in control of things. It really erks me. I think I'm borderline OCD, though so that's another story. I try to be as accurate as possible. Time will tell you how they get her out and what happens. Thank you for the review. _

_St.elmo-lover: Okay okay I updated, is that good? Hope you like it thanks for the review!_

_Nevada: Don't freak out I will finish it I promise. I'm coming close. It's going to be hard, I hate ending stories. I know I have to do it, but it's so hard to let the characters go. Thanks for your review._

_Purple Rhapsody: Have you reviewed before? (does new reviewer dance just incase.) Thank you for your sweet compliments. It's reviews like yours that I go back and read when I don't know if I'm doing a good enough job. I love this Spot he's such the quintessential bad boy, still there is hope for redemption for him. We'll see. Uncle Spot, ha ha, I'm still laughing at that, it sounds so odd. Thanks again._

_Dreamer: DREAM you're back, I missed you so. Yeah, get your tissues ready honey, you're going to need it. Hey I've been trying it's great to have a history major tell me I'm managing it. It's rather hard really. I'm thinking about the novel. I'm actually thinking about changing names and submitting BWF. Do you think it could be publisher worthy? I'll have to think on it. I'm glad you had a chance to review. Thank you!_


	28. Fears Truely realized

I woke with a start, my mother's words echoing in my mind. Blinking sleepily I realized there was a soft knocking coming from my door. I was almost afraid to answer it, but I steeled myself and unlocked the door swinging it open. To my relief, it was only Annie, bringing with her a tray of food. My stomach turned at the thought. I wasn't certain if it was the baby or my dreams that was causing my nausea.

I choked down my breakfast and allowed Annie to dress me. From there I was left to my own devises. My choice was to remain in my room on my couch with _Sense and Sensibly_. I passed the day in relative comfort and thankfully free of Adian. It appeared he had left the house to attend to his business. I was forced to offer my company once it was time for dinner, but the moment it was over he allowed me to return to my room. Such were the days of my captivity, I felt like a jewel in a jewelry box, plushy lined with velvet. My surroundings were comfortable even sumptuous, but I was no less a prisoner. The only change to my routine was the announcement of our engagement and a party to in response, otherwise I might have lost track of time all together.

The party was the first I had attended in months and for a moment I almost forgot how I was to react. Luckily years of training took over after a few minutes. Carefully I did nothing that would attract Adian's wrath and dutifully began introductions to the people he had been aching to meet.

"Where did you find such an incredible specimen of the male species?" My old friend Catherine asked pulling me aside, her soft blue eyes looking at me with a twinkle that at one point I might have relished. It was a look of congratulation and envy, but instead it surprised me. My hatred for Adian was so complete that I had forgotten his incredible beauty. Glancing at him from across the room where he was schmoozing with the men he had longed to be a part of, I remembered his angelic beauty. Hair like spun gold, eyes like the summer's sky, the perfect symmetry of his facial features.

"He found me." I replied looking out the windows of the ballroom. Once I would have preened, but now my heart sank at the prospect. My thoughts slipped back to my wedding night, it appeared I would get that wedding I had dreamed of.

"What a lucky girl you are, you must tell me how to find one of my own." She said with vapidness I had once found charming and had tried to emulate. Now I only felt irritation and disgust.

The baby was tiring me and by the time we left I was nearing exhaustion. Adian gave me an approving look. He sat next to me on the seat of my parent's carriage, while I had wedged myself as far away from him as I could get, and still continue to rest my head against the cushions.

"You did well Bianca." He told me, his hand resting on my knee. He gently rubbed and my skin crawled.

"I'd rather wait until we're married." I told him too tired to move his hand. He removed it however, with a slight irritation.

"Bianca the perpetual prude." He said as the carriage came to a stop. Stiffly he helped me from the carriage, but he made no more overtures. "Know that once we are married you will do as I wish." He warned in the hallway just feet away from my bedroom door.

"I shall remain perpetually prude with you Adain. Though I must admit I'm surprised you haven't already tried to take what you want." I said mockingly, giving him a wry half smile. "After all it was just such overtures that caused met to run in the first place."

"Is that an invitation?" Adian queried stepping closer to me. Immediately I backed away, trying not to let the fear show on my face.

"Most certainly not." I snapped holding my reticule to my chest as though it was my cross and he was a vampire.

"Really I have no desire to touch you until you're free." He told me leaning against the wall his face smirking at me. "Once your marriage is safely annulled or your husband is safely dead, then there will be little stopping me. You will belong to me. Until then you're not mine to touch."

"So there is some honor in you." I said with a glare that would have made Spot proud. "Committing murder is all well and good, but encroaching on someone else's wife is not to be permitted."

"Go to bed Bianca, before I do something you'll regret." He replied, his look was that of a man trying to control an inner demon. He pushed himself away from the wall and turning away. I stared after him frightened at the true evil I had seen in his face if only for that one moment. I knew in my very soul that he had fought himself because he had plans and those plans needed to be done in a certain order, it certainly wasn't out of any respect for me.

It took me a few moments before I could gather the courage to even move, and once I did I was through my door like a shot. The door slamming shut behind me with a bang that rattled the windows. I locked the door with shaking hands and set the key on the table next to the door just like I did every night. My legs were watery as I moved across the room and into the small room that held my wardrobe. I collapsed in the middle my skirts fanning around me in a graceful puddle. The soft rose-peach taffeta of my dress changed colors as the light fell on it; I ran my hands across it feeling the soft fabric beneath my fingers. The beauty of this dress was no even trade for coming under the control of such a man. I raised shaking hands to my face as the tears began to slide down my cheeks. I found myself thankful that I had told Annie not to wait up for me. At the time it had been out of pity, now it was purely selfish because I didn't want anyone to see me breaking down.

I needed to get out of here, now, if at all possible. Where was Spot? He had promised he would come back and over a week had passed. Sobs shook my shoulders as I struggled to control my emotions. I had to survive this, I had to, my husband and my child were depending on me. As I sat there self pity overwhelming me a hand touched my shoulder gently. It was not Annie's soft hand, rather a work warn hand, complete with calluses. My hands flew away from my face and a startled gasp caught in my throat.

"Damn you Spot Conlon." I hissed quickly, the moment the air could make its way into my lungs. I frantically wiped away my tears and moved back from where he was crouched next to me. "Do you have to sneak up on me?"

"That difficult hm?" he asked rising the worry still in his eyes as he reached out a hand to help me up.

"Don't worry about it Spot." I sighed. "What's going on?"

"Ya're leaving tonight." He told me. "Let's go. The house is quiet, we'll slip out the doors at the ballroom, there's a gate that separates ya yard from the neighbors. We can get out the gate and we should be home free. It should be easy to disappear into the alleyways from there. Once we get ya back to Brooklyn ya leavin' on a train with Beau. Ya both need to get out of town, go out west or even just a few states over, maybe even upstate. "

"Right now?" I gasped, he nodded and took my hand, my head spun, it was all happening so fast. The bible verse "Ask and ye shall receive" ran through my mind as he tugged me into my bedroom. I was surprised to see a simple black velvet cloak lying across the bed and my small valise sitting next to it. It appeared Spot had been here long enough to pack for me.

"Put this on." He ordered lifting it up, I complied still a little dazed by it all. "It should help hide that fancy dress a bit. Wish ya could have chosen a different dress for tonight."

"It wasn't as if I was given any warning." I snapped, he just shrugged in response as he unlocked the door and poked his head out. "How long have you been here?"

"Over an hour I think, ya don't got any clocks in this room." Spot replied his voice dropping to a soft whisper. The hallway was dark, Adian had told the household to not to wait for us and I was thankful for it. Only his valet would be awake, putting Adian's clothing away once he removed it.

I took the valise from my bed and moved to the doorway with him. He waited for only a moment longer before taking my arm and moving into the hallway. He dropped his hold on me long enough to silently shut my bedroom door before taking my arm again and together we made our way down the hallway and staircase. The moment my feet touched the marble floor of the foyer, my mind suddenly snapped into focus. Spot pulled me across the foyer and toward the ballroom. As we moved down the hall my eyes fell on the doorway of the library. My mother's words echoed in my ears and I stopped dead.

"What the hell ya doin' Bi?" Spot asked, his voice a hiss in the darkness.

"Wait." I whispered back, twisting my arm free. Spot glared at me but followed me silently enough into the library. Swiftly I moved through the rather large room stopping a bookcase to the left of the fireplace. Moonlight slipped in from the windows giving me just enough light to read the shiny titles. Spot watched me, eyes narrowed as I stopped before the row of books that held all of Shakespeare's greatest works. Damn, my mother had said to look in Shakespeare, but his books took up almost two shelves.

"What are ya doin' we don't have much time." Spot growled his breath making me shiver as it slipped past my ear. He was close enough I could feel the heat of his body.

"Looking in Shakespeare." I told him shortly as I threw up my hands and picked up the first book. I shook it vigorously, but nothing happened.

"Have ya gone mad?" he hissed taking my wrist obviously having enough of my foolishness.

"How are we going to get out of town Spot?" I asked twisting my wrist in a frantic attempt to free myself again. "With what money?"

"We got enough money together for ya both to take the train." Spot hissed back tugging at me again.

"How are Beau and I going to live? My parents left me money, I have to find it. They said to look behind Shakespeare. It's hidden somewhere in this library and there are two shelves of Shakespearian books."

"Behind Shakespeare?" Spot repeated quietly, pondering the words.

"In Shakespeare, behind Shakespeare, I don't know." I said frantically my mother's words twisting in my fright that I didn't know which the right phrasing was.

"What was your mom's favorite book?" Spot questioned his voice nearly as frantic, but at least he had grasped the need to find the money.

"The Taming of the Shrew." I told him, quickly and automatically. "She named me after one of the characters."

Swiftly he ran his fingers over the books until he came to Taming of the Shrew, quickly he pulled it from its place and shook the pages, but nothing came out. We heard footsteps on the floor outside the library and he frowned darkly for a moment. We both froze, my heartbeat sounding loud in my ears as it pounded in my chest. After a few moments it receded.

"Bi, you're arm is smaller and I don't want to knock these books off the shelf. Slip your arm behind the book and see if anything is there." Spot whispered urgently. He removed a few of the other books and held them, since there was not enough room for him to put them on another shelf. I slid my arm into the gap and felt around until my fingers touched something cool. Running my fingers over it I found it was a chest. Quickly as I could I tugged it to the edge of the books, Spot bend down pulling books out of the way and placing them on the carpet silently. We were kneeling together now as I pulled the metal box, the size of my valise out and set it on the floor. I jiggled the latch to find it locked.

"Damn it." I hissed as Spot picked it up and looked under it in hopes the key was there. 'Thanks mummy, you give me a box that needs a key and you don't tell me where the key is.' I thought with no small amount of irritation. It was just like her, damn her flightiness.

"Let's just take it." Spot said taking the handle of the box and reaching down for my hand. We were half way across the library to the ballroom when the thought hit me.

"Wait." I said again whirling back to the pile of books. "Where is that book damn it."

"You've spent too much time on the streets." Spot said disapprovingly. "Which book?"

"The Taming of the Shrew." I hissed frantically tearing through the pile. I looked up to find him holding it before me. I sent him a thankful look that I wasn't certain he could see in what little light there was. Opening the front of the book I found nothing, flipping through it I found nothing. The footsteps were nearing again and just as Spot was about to grab me and make a run for it, I opened to the back to find something silver shining softly in the moonlight. A bit of ribbon was looped through the key making it appear to be a book mark. It had been carefully pressed into a bit of wax; hurriedly I ripped it from the book and slipped the ribbon over my neck.

Spot's hand slipped under my arm and assisted me to my feet. Picking up valise and my skirts we ran to the far end of the room just as someone opened the door a candle in their hands. Spot pushed me behind him and into the curtains. In the moonlight I could see we were only a window away from the opening to the passage that led into the ballroom. From there we could slip into the night.

I pulled on Spot's shirt and he turned to look at me. I placed a finger to my lips and gestured for him to follow me. Silently we moved to the next window as the footsteps moved away from us and the door to the library shut again. In the moonlight I fumbled for the orchid ornamentation on the wall that had been gilded. I prayed silently that the door had been oiled recently enough. Thankfully it swung out silently making us both jump back to avoid being hit by it. We slipped into the passage which was black as pitch.

"Where does this lead?" Spot whispered behind me, as I slipped my hand into his to keep from loosing him. I had played in these passages for years. I had enjoyed spying on others and finding their deepest secrets. Often I would use them for my own gain. I couldn't count many maids and governesses had I gotten fired from the secrets that should have remained that way. What a horrible little twit I had been.

"When the passage forks the left it will lead us to the ballroom. The right will go to the kitchens, the servant's quarters, and the wine cellar. That tunnel also branches and leads up to my room, my parent's room, and my father's study. "I replied running my hand along the wall to feel my way to the into the correct passage.

"You're father paranoid?" he queried, obviously wondering the reason behind the passages.

"No, my mother thought them romantic." I told him "Ah, here it is." I moved swiftly to the left.

"Your mother thought they were romantic?" he seemed shocked at this. " My granda, my ma's da, helped build homes like these. He said secret passages were a pain in the neck and not at all worth the trouble."

"My mother got what she wanted, when she wanted it." I responded with a shrug. "My father would have given her anything she asked for."

"At least ya come by it honestly." He murmured. I chose to ignore his remark as I felt the passage coming to an end. We slid into the room and as I silently as possible closed the panel of wall that had swung free. Quickly we moved across the floor, the moonlight making brilliant patterns through the trees just outside the wall that was composed of windows. Four French doors were stationed equally apart, ready to be opened in the summer time to let the scent of the gardens drift inside.

We had almost made it into the darkness beyond the doors, into oblivion where we could disappear and Adian would never find us, when someone grabbed me. I would have screamed, but I was too frightened. Spot followed me into the shadows, to my surprise he didn't say anything as my captor turned me around and graced me with a kiss that was familiar and much missed. Tears slipped from under my closed lids as my husband's arms wrapped around me tight enough to be uncomfortable, but it didn't matter.

"Beau." I breathed once he had pulled away. For a moment I forgot my earlier warning to Spot, I forgot my fear. I was thankful only to be held once again, to feel the comfort his embrace always brought me.

"Let's get out of here." Spot hissed bringing us back to the present. "I thought ya said ya were gonna wait outside the gates for us."

"I couldn't." Beau replied simply as he took my hand and pulled me along with them. "What's that?"

"Your security." Spot said in response to Beau's gesture at the box in his hands. "Looks like ya little society girl here ain't without means like she thought."

We had reached the doors we stood on the threshold of freedom when a light flickered in the room. Whirling we found it to be a match that moved itself to a candle and slowly it lit. A glow lit the room albeit rather dimly, and in the circle of its glow was a small table usually used to hold a guest book and one of the chairs often situated throughout the room for those that needed a respite could rest. In the glow, Adian's face was visible.

Fear filled me and I remembered my earlier worries for my husband. I turned to slip through the doors; both of the boys thinking the same thing, but the clicking of the hammer of a gun stopped us dead.

"How charming." Adian said quietly, as he stood, keeping the gun pointed at us and lit the lantern only a few feet from him. The light brightened in the room and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust.

"How did you know?" I whispered, moving in front of both the boys. We all stood frozen in that spot, none of us knowing exactly what to do now.

"I didn't." He said simply. "That is until I decided to return to your room for that rendezvous that you offered. Unfortunately you weren't in your room. I looked about the house and luckily for me I saw the larger boy there lurking around the doorway to the ballroom."

"Beau get out of here." I hissed, my heart beating in my chest, tears beginning in my eyes. "We'll follow, just get out of here."

"I am not leaving without you." He replied each word coming out formally as it so often did when he was angry.

"Spot, please get him out of here. Remember what I made you promise?" I pleaded, but it was no use.

"I can't Bi." Spot replied calmly. Too calmly, his mind was working a million miles a minute. I could see it in his eyes. He was calculating how to turn this situation to his advantage, I could only pray he would find a way.

"What do you want?" I asked Adian hoping to draw his attention long enough for the boys to stop being stubborn and do as I asked. He gave me a smile that told me he was quite proud of himself. "What are you planning?" My hand gestured for the boys to move; unfortunately they ignored it and stood each planted on a side. They were like guardian statues, neither willing to leave me to my fate.

"Decisions, decisions Bianca dear." Adian said with no small amount of amusement. "Which boy do you save? One of them must be your husband, the other you'd owe your life to if he got you free. Not that it matters which one I shoot. I kill your husband and you'll turn to the other for support. Women like you can't ever take care of themselves. So I suppose I have no choice, but to kill them both."

"You can't Adian." I said softly playing my only card left. "You can't kill them, you're not a murderer. I'll go with you. I'll do what you ask just let them go."

"Now I don't know if I can do that Bianca." Adian's voice was as calm as Spot's, but there was a hint of insanity in his tone that frightened me. "Twice now you've tried to run from me. When are you going to learn that I always win?"

"Please Adian." I begged, dropping to my knees too frightened to care for my dignity. "Please let them go. I will have no more contact with them. If you kill them I won't help you with society. I won't help you at the houses of the influential people you need me for."

He appeared to be considering it and he nodded. For a moment, just a slit second I saw in his face the decision to do as I asked. As I breathed a sigh of relief, my husband ruined it all.

"No Bianca." He said vehemently. "No, I'm not going to let you go, not now, not ever, and if you think I'm going to let you do this ya crazy. Ya my wife, you're carrying my child."

"What child?" the voice was hissed through the ballroom and I cringed. "What child Bianca?"

"Damn you Beau." I cried tearfully. "Damn you, why couldn't you have just gone? Why did you have to be the hero? Why just once couldn't you have done what I told you to do? Damn you, I told you to keep him away." My wrath was turned on Spot, who looked at me with fear lingering in his eyes. Adian watched this by play with his eyes narrowed, slowly he swung the gun and it rested on me.

"What child?" he asked again, his voice once again the frighteningly calm that it had been previously.

"My husband's child." I told him standing slowly, raising my chin defiantly. "You didn't honestly think I could keep my husband from exercising his marital rights? After all didn't you say that no man could resist me?"

"I should kill you now." Adian's rage was blazing in his eyes though his voice was calm, cordial even, completely at odds with what he was saying. "I could find any number of debutants that would be willing to introduce me into society. You didn't think you weren't expendable did you Bianca? You were the most convenient, surely, but it appears you're no longer appropriate."

My heart raced, the room stilled and seemed to stop all together, and I breathed in short panicked breathes. Beau's hand grabbed mine and swiftly I was pulled behind him.

"No!" I cried fighting to slip in front of him. Beau wouldn't let me. Spot had disappeared into the shadows. I could only assume that he had fled realizing that there was nothing he could do, but save his own hide. I couldn't blame him for it, Spot took care of Spot before anyone else. It's what kept him alive.

"I suppose I shall have to kill you both, Bianca for your betrayal, and your husband for touching you." Adian said in such a matter of fact voice shivers ran up and down my spine. He looked at us for a split second before his hand moved and the report of the gun echoed through the room. Beau pushed me to the floor and followed me moments later, with a soft grunt. Ice slipped through my veins, the ice of a fear I had never before felt. Quickly I crawled to my knees and across the floor to where my husband had fallen.

Everything faded around me; I didn't hear the outraged squawk as Spot slipped up from behind Adian. I didn't hear the struggle for the gun, or the when the candle slipped from the table and was trod upon plunging the room into semi- darkness. My attention was focused entirely on Beau and the tang of blood that filled my sense of smell with its coppery scent.

"Beau?" My voice was tentative, and pain filled. "Please Beau."

"I'm here Bi." His voice was a whisper followed by a cough. I found his hand in the darkness and lifted it to my cheek. "I'm sorry Bianca, I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked tearfully, denial running through me, an instant attempt at protection from my mind. I couldn't comprehend it, this couldn't happen, not now.

"I'm……." he began, but I placed my fingers over his mouth to still his words.

"No! " I said firmly. "Don't say it; as long as you don't say it won't happen. If you believe you can, you can do it, we can beat this."

"Oh Bianca." He breathed, his voice becoming softer, followed a gurgling in his throat that ripped my heart out. "I'm dying, I know it, and there ain't no surviving this. I want ya to go with Spot, ya got it. He'll take care of ya."

"No, no Beau." I sobbed gripping his hand as tightly as possible as if it would keep him with me. "NO!"

A second gun shot echoed through the room and I prayed that I was next. Let us die, let my husband and I die together, take our child from this world of unending pain and unfairness to a better place.

"Beau?" another voice came from behind me, and Spot sank to his knees next to me. "Damn!"

"The bastard dead?" Beau asked with obvious difficulty, at Spot's nod in confirmation he continued. "Ya promised me on ya life ya would protect her. Take her Jamie, before the bulls get her. Get her out of town. Protect her; keep her and the baby safe. "

Tears were blurring my eyes as they continued talking and I closed my ears against the preparations they made. My only thought was for the death of the one man I needed more than I needed air.

"Bianca." His voice brought me back to the reality of the situation. "Ya promise me ya'll go with Jamie. You'll do what he says; ya'll help him raise the baby. Promise me, ya won't do anythin' stupid, like ya almost did that night on the bridge. Promise me!"

"I promise." I said dully, my mind still not wanting to comprehend the truth.

"I love you Bianca Windsor, I'll be watching over you." He promised in his last breath; it ended in a gurgled choke, his hand going limp in mine. Beau Jacob Meyers, also known by his friends as Mush, in that one moment ceased to exist. My sobs echoed through the vast room as Jamie Conlon held me, tears of his own sliding silently down his own cheeks.

_st.elmo lover: Another update that I think answers both of your questions. I updated as soon as I could. This was a difficult chapter to write. Thanks for the review!_

_Nevadanewsie: Thank you for your sweet compliments and your review. I'll try to keep the work good. Thanks again!_

_Grams: Yup the climax. It's a little longer than ususal, but as I looked back at it I really couldn't cut it and split it into two. I was afraid of taking away from the ending by concentrating too much on the insignificant detail. Besides I've done some heavy foreshadowing in the last few chapters, I had to bring it to a head. Poor Mushie, it was really hard to write this chapter, but the muses wanted it. I'm a slave to them sometimes. Thanks for the review Grams!_

_Elyse: He was a jerk in the beginning, but it seemed to fit him. He really had to be an ass sometimes. I'm working on putting more of that in TTH in the authors cut. The downfall wasn't as agonizing for Adian as many are going to want, but there's only so much time before the servants wake up. Thanks for the review._

_Elleestjenn: I'm sorry I know this chapter took a while, but it was really difficult to write. It's always hard to kill your creations. James, yup, Jamie Conlon. Thanks for the review_

_Purple Rhapsody: I'm glad their always good updates, I try. Poor Mush, I know, I know, it had to be done though. Thanks for your review, I look forward to them._

_Dreamer Conlon: Thank you. Of course they didn't believe her, it wasn't as though she didn't leave a huge mess behind at Molly's. Sorry I had to do it, don't hate me. Thanks again!_

_Snooza: I don't know that it's been years yet has it? I'm glad you finally reviewed. I often find stories that I like that I still need to review. Like Quirky Del's Good Friends, I really need to do that. Anyway we're all guilty of it, but thank you for your review. Your favorite fic, wow that is a compliment, thank you. Here's more!_


	29. The Pain of Loss

Darkness, it surrounded me in every way, but would not take me. Grief clogged in my chest, an ache so painful I couldn't even think. The moment Beau had breathed his last my mind had shut down to everything, except for one fact: I had lost him. He was dead; the light in my darkness gone and that fact was foreign to me. Only moments before he had been holding me, kissing me, his arms warm around me. I could feel that warmth leaving him; I could see his sightless eyes filming.

"No!" It would have been a scream if the words hadn't choked in my throat. My whole body began shaking, and my breathing shortened to gasps. "No. Please don't take him from me, please."

"Bianca," I looked up to see Spot hovering over me. He had risen and I hadn't even noticed. "We've got to go, I can hear people comin'."

"I can't leave him." I sputtered in shock. I looked back at my husband the only person I had allowed close. The man who had worked a miracle of changes on me, and I couldn't even imagine just leaving him there in a pool of his own blood. "I can't just leave him here."

"You've gotta." Spot whispered urgently as he took my bloodstained hand in his. "Who's gonna belive ya Bi? You're alive with bloodstained hands and both of these men are dead. Who's gonna believe that ya killed that man over there because he was gonna shoot your husband? I sure as hell ain't gonna stick around to get pinned for it. As far as anyone knows ya don't have a husband. Ya engaged to that man over there. We've gotta get ya out of here before anyone sees ya or the police get here. A gun shot ain't quiet there's gonna be all kinds of people swarmin' around here soon. Ya gotta trust me Bi, Beau made me promise I would get ya out of here. I promised I would take care of ya, now ya gotta do what I say."

I could do nothing other than follow like a ghost as Spot tugged at my hand and pulled me to my feet. I felt as though I was in a dream and nothing was real. I couldn't focus on anything; all I could think of was Beau's death. A part of me registered everything around me and had bowed to Spot's wisdom. I watched listlessly as he picked up the box containing the money and continued to pull me along until we reached the door. He freed his hand long enough to open the door leading into the garden and pull me through.

Oddly everything is emblazoned on my brain and at the same time everything is foggy. I remember the sound of people entering the ball room. I remember the screams as they found the dead. I remember the sounds of the carriages in the street in front of the house as Spot pulled me through the garden gate and out into an alley way. I followed without question as he pulled me through the dark streets. The sounds of a sirens filled the air and Spot pulled me into a deserted ally littered with trash and covered my body with his own. His head rested next to mine, his cheek to mine, I could feel his breath on my neck. We stood like that, his arms resting on the wall next to me, his body pressed to mine until the sounds faded into the distance and he grabbed my hand once again.

Through the night we crept, my cloak hiding my fancy dress, and allowing us to slip through the night silently. Spot wore dark pants and a faded gray shirt that also blended into the shadows, his dirty blond hair covered by a dark cap and pulled low over his face. It seemed he knew he would need to slip through New York unseen this night.

In the moonlight every now and then I would catch a glimpse of his face, his eyes watchful, his jaw set with determination, his mouth pressed firmly. He chose our path carefully, and surely.

A bird whistle could be heard from the roof tops. It was odd, it was no where near dawn and the birds were normally silent during the night. Spot paused looking up. The silhouette of a boy looked down at us from the roof above. Spot nodded and gripped my hand tighter pulling me a swiftly now, I tried not to trip as his pace quickened even more. Finally he stopped in a dark ally and waited. After a few moments a shadow slipped into the ally and joined Spot, who it appeared was waiting for him.

"The bulls are headin' out all over the place." The shadow said softly. "They think Mush murdered the man with accomplices and got killed."

I gasped in outrage and Spot quickly turned to me, to quiet me. His warning look clearly told me we couldn't afford to be discovered.

"We can't do anythin' about it Bi." Spot whispered to me squeezing my hand gently in comfort. "I know it ain't fair, I know it ain't what happened, but we ain't gonna be able to do anythin' to change their minds. I've been watchin' while we were figurin' out how to get ya out. Ya cousin was a smart man. If I didn't know just how afraid of him ya were, and just how far ya would go to stay way from him, I wouldn't have known him for what he was. Everyone thinks pretty highly of him."

"But………."I hissed, the pain in my chest intensifying at the thought of Beau being branded a murderer, while the real murderer was glorified, victimized, and mourned.

"That's the life of us poor folk Bianca." Spot cut me off. "Us lowlifes is far more likely in the eyes of the general public to do somethin' illegal than the rich. Women ain't believed any more. The butler would testify to the fact ya didn't want to marry the man. That things between the two of ya wasn't great."

"How do you know that?" I asked as the shock of such a thing breaking me out of my daze momentarily. "I have a very fine reputation myself."

"Look I spent a few hours with one of the kitchen maids, when we were tryin' to figure things out. She was only to willin' to tell me all the sordid details of ya. Everyone in that house thought ya were a spoiled brat. One that didn't want to follow her parent's wishes and marry the man they wanted for ya."

"But they didn't want Adian for me." I sputtered, looking at him incredulously. How could anyone think me capable of such a thing?"

"But accordin' to him they did, and who are the servants gonna believe. You or him? Ya didn't exactly make friends with the people that worked for ya. Not to mention the stories of ya temper. Ya got a bad one Bi, we all know that, we also know ya wouldn't kill no one, but they don't. They didn't know ya well enough to know"

"And how are they going to explain away Beau." I demanded, trying desperately to understand everything that was happening. It was all like a very realistic bad dream. I couldn't comprehend it.

"Ya heard what Rook said. Beau killed the man with accomplices. That would be you." Spot told me giving me a little shake. "Look the only thing ya can do is get out of here like Beau wanted for ya."

"Let's go before we get caught. She's got blood all over her." Rook said his voice soft as he turned and started up the dark alley. Spot followed, once again pulling me behind him.

My head was whirling. In one night I had lost my husband, escaped a mad man, and had been branded a murderer. It was far too much for one person to be expected to take in. Luckily for me, no one expected me take it all in too quickly. Spot was doing all my thinking for me. It was amazing how quick thinking he was even in the most awful of circumstances. I suppose that was why he was the leader of Brooklyn.

Finally after what seemed like hours of walking we arrived at our destination. I whimpered as I saw the dilapidated house the Brooklyn newsies called home. I had nothing, but traumatizing memories of the place. I stopped and stood rooted to the ground, causing Spot to stop dead and to nearly pull my arm out of socket in the process. He tugged at my hand urging me silently toward the steps, but I couldn't move.

"Come one Bi, we need to get ya safe inside. There ain't no one that's gonna look for ya here." His words were soft, gentle as if he knew what demons I faced. He probably did, after all he was cause of them.

"I can't go in there." I whispered back. "Please don't make me, take me back to the boarding house."

"I can't, honey." He said giving my hand yet another gentle tug. "I don't know if they will be able to trace ya there. No one knows you've ever been here and if they do they ain't gonna expect to find ya here."

"Please……." My voice trailed off as I saw the hopeless situation. There was no choice; I had to go in there. It appeared there was going to be more demons I was going to have to face tonight. Hesitantly I allowed him to pull me across the yard and up the porch steps to my past.

Once inside, I found every candle and lantern that could be found had been set up in the main room. A forest of boys of every shape and size stood waiting impatiently. I noticed Jack leaning against a post that was directly in front of the door. He looked beyond me and then to Spot.

"Where's Mush?" He asked his face paling and his eyes brightening. Everyone looked at us; every head that was down flew up. Every eye that was looking away turned directly to us.

"Dead, that bastard took him down." Spot said softly as he pulled me further into the room and Rook closed the door behind me. I tried to shrink into myself, tried to hide from the stares, and the words that Spot uttered. "I tried to get the gun away first, but I was too late."

"He wouldn't be dead if he hadn't had to go after her." The female voice filled with hate and spite rang through the crowd and was far too familiar. Cinnamon stood at the base of the stairs her hands clenched into fists, her chest heaving, her eyes burning into me, a tear slipping down her cheek. All the anguish and rage that was boiling inside me had suddenly found an outlet.

"No you bitch." I hissed making a dive for her that was aborted by Jack. "If you hadn't sold me out, if you hadn't gone to Adian, I would still be at the boarding house with Molly waiting for my husband's child to be born. I wouldn't be a widow. Tell them Cinnamon, you tell them how you went to Adian and showed him where I lived. You tell them why Beau had to come after me. Tell them how you came to me that day with Adian and his goon and how they took me away."

I struggled violently against Jack's arms wanting nothing more than to wrap my hands around Cinnamon's throat and send her to hell where she belonged with Adian. She had caused nothing, but anguish and pain from the moment she had entered Beau's life. She had tried everything to come between us, she had attempted to kill my child and she had succeeded in killing my Beau.

"You killed him Cinnamon, with your jealousy. You couldn't have him so no one could. You couldn't accept that he loved me. You couldn't handle the idea that he had moved on and didn't want you any more." I shrieked. Cinnamon took a step back a frightened look entering her eyes.

"You tell her Bi." Riot said from where she stood only feet away fury marking her features. "Want me to soak her for ya?"

"Let me go Jack, and I'll do it myself." I hissed, still trying to get free. Spot stepped in front of me blocking Cinnamon from my sight.

"Calm down Bianca." Spot said his voice still soft and soothing, taking my upper arms and holding firmly. "It ain't good for the baby."

"Calm down?" I asked giving him a glare of pure hatred. Jack's arms tightened around me again as if afraid I would attack Spot. I couldn't with Spot's arms wrapped around my upper arms almost painfully squeezing, but it appeared Jack thought me stronger. "Calm down, my husband's dead Spot and you want me to calm down? I loved him Spot, I loved him and now he's gone. I have to raise this baby by myself." I broke at the thought, though far more painful was the thought he was gone. "The only person I have ever loved is gone forever."

The fury left as swiftly as it had come, replaced once again with the bone deep anguish. Tears blinded me, harsh racking sobs spilled from my lips and my legs collapsed under me. Jack and Spot held me as I looked down my hands in front of my face, dried rust flaked from them. The blood from Beau caked them. I gave a choked gasp and both of the boys looked to where my eyes were riveted.

"Oh my God." Jack whispered his arms slipping from me as he took a step back. Spot's hands loosened and he allowed me to sink to the floor. As I sat my cloak split open and my dress showed through. A large red stain was spread across the bottom. I couldn't put my hands to my face as I wanted. Instead I looked at my hands horrified, sobs wracking my body, a high keening noise slipping from my lips.

"Get her out of here." Spot hissed pointing at Cinnamon while he stood protectively above me. "She ain't allowed in the Brooklyn or the Manhattan territories. And I want runners sent to the other boroughs. By mornin' I don't think any self respecting New York newsie is gonna have anythin' to do with her."

Cinnamon made a hissing noise at the boys who circled in on her as Spot knelt next to me digging his dirty handkerchief out of his pocket. He spat on it and gently wiped at my hands removing the dark stain I was certain I would see for the rest of my life. I couldn't even work up revulsion at the fact it was his spit that was cleaning my hands.

"Shh." He whispered as he wrapped his arms around me, I buried my head in his shoulder needing what ever comfort was offered. He smelled of clean cotton and clean sweat, with the tang of blood. "It ain't fair he's gone, and it ain't ever gonna be, but it will get better. One day you'll be able to think of him without crying. You'll remember the good times with a smile. I promise, it will get better."

"I don't want it to get better." I sobbed. "I don't want to forget him. I don't want to loose him completely."

"Ya ain't ever gonna lose him completely Bi. Ya got a piece of him right here." Spot replied pulling back and gently running a hand across my stomach.

"We don't know that." I sobbed even harder. Gently Spot tilted my chin up to look at him and he gave me a sweet smile. For the first time I saw beneath the rough exterior to Jamie the person he didn't let others see. Just like Beau it appeared Jamie too had masks to hide him from the rest of the world. It was a cruel world and they had both learned to survive on their own. I wished desperately be able to be that self sufficient, to be able to stand on my own with my baby and make it, to be able to stand under such breaking blows and stand strong.

"Of course we do. God ain't ever that cruel." Spot said his expression so sure I couldn't help but believe him. A very small part of the grief seemed to lift at the thought of Beau's child. "Ya gonna have a little kid runnin' around with Mush's sweet personality, ya temper, and both of ya stubbornness. Heaven help ya."

"I can't do this by myself." I hiccuped trying to lower my face, but Spot wouldn't let me.

"Look at me Bi." He whispered when I refused to meet his eyes. Unable to resist his order I looked back into those beautiful blue eyes. "Ya ain't by yourself. I promise that too." He told me. "I promised Mush I would protect ya with my life, and tonight I promised him I would take ya away and keep ya safe. I don't ever go back on a promise, and I ain't gonna leave ya by yaself."

I nodded slowly and he let go of my chin, the sobs hadn't stopped and the tears continued to fall, but I wasn't alone, and at that moment it was all that I could cling to.

Cinnamon spluttered, growled, and hissed like a cat as she was dragged forcefully to the door and thrust outside. I could hear her nails on the glass of the door as she scratched at it. I looked up and met her eyes; there was fury, fear, and sorrow in those eyes. I couldn't dredge up a bit of sympathy as she pressed her face to the glass and beat at the door with her fists. It was the last time I would ever see her, and perhaps that was for the best. She would have forever reminded me of the grief of my husband's death.

"Come one Bi." Spot whispered softly and I allowed him to pick me up. His arms cradled me as if I were fragile. He carried me up the stairs and past the prying eyes of the other boys. He carried me down the hall to the room I still had nightmares about. I would have protested or struggled if I had anything left. Instead I sobbed softly as he carried me through the door. A lantern sat on the table next to the bed, the dust was gone, and the quilts replaced with clean ones. I recognized the patterns from the spare quilts at Molly's. Someone had cleaned the room put clean sheets on the bed.

Gently Spot set me on my feet, untied my cloak and slipped it from my shoulders. I felt numb as he turned my back to him and swiftly unbuttoned the dozens of buttons that held my dress together. It slid to the floor, leaving me in my petticoats and corset. I shivered a memory surfacing of a not so gentle Spot.

"I think ya can get the rest." Spot said gently, I looked over my shoulder to see him backing toward the door. "There's a clean nightgown over there. We figured we'd have to hide ya out here with Mush. Molly brought some stuff over and Mush cleaned the room. He slept here last night."

His words were tumbling over one another in a way I had never heard before. I looked into those cool blue orbs and saw the want. I could see the same desire I had seen in Beau's eyes when he had first looked at me. I turned away quickly certainly not ready for such emotions so soon. The door shut softly behind me I could hear the soft click of the lock. I knew he had not locked me in to keep me prisoner rather to keep me safe.

With a cry of disgust I stepped out of the dress and my blood stained petticoats. My corset came off with a few tugs at the hooks and I reached for the night gown that had been slung across a chair. I slipped into it before kicking the dress and petticoats across the room into a darkened corner. Tears continued to slide down my face as I pulled the blanket around me and sat on the bed. A half sob, half laugh bubbled from my lips as I turned my head into the quilt and breathed. He had slept here; I could smell him on the quilts. This was the scent that had been wholly and completely Beau's. Tears blinded me and I let them as I curled into a ball on the bed and cried. I cried for my loss, for the past, and for the future. Especially for the future, it would be many long lonely nights without the man I loved and I wasn't certain I wanted to even wake in the morning.

_**And I'm back! More chapters to follow soon. I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter and all the encouragement to continue on with the story. Obviously the last chapter was not the last. I'm not quite done yet. A big thank you to Dodger who edited this chapter for me!**_

**_-Raeghann_**


	30. Promises

There was a piece of me that wanted to just lay down and die. To lay down and never get up again. I cried as though there was no ending my pain, and I wasn't sure it would. I cried until I couldn't cry any more, until I faded out and my mind closed down.

"Bianca." His voice whispered through my mind. "Bianca."

"You're dead." I croaked, "You're dead, you've left me."

"I didn't want to." He said his voice gentle as I had never once heard him sound before. There was a calmness that had never been there. " I didn't want to leave you. I didn't want to die, but it was my time. You can't leave Bi, you can't do it. As hard as it's gonna be you've gotta get up, when the sunlight is shining through your window. You gotta eat, and you've gotta sleep. You don't have a choice. You can't leave while you're carrying the baby. You can't leave the baby without a mother as well as a father. The baby needs you. If nothing else you have to take care of that baby."

"I don't want to." I whispered roughly. " I don't want to live without you."

I felt his hands on my on my shoulders, pulling me into a sitting position, shaking me until I looked up. The sunshine fell through the window, falling across him. His eyes almost caramel colored in the sun. His skin tan and glowing, his smile sweet and gentle.

"You have to," He told me firmly, his hands gripping my shoulders tightly. "Don't do what my mother did to me. Don't leave our baby alone. Don't kill our baby before it has a chance to live."

"What am I supposed to do?" I cried tears blinding me, his face blurring into nothing. "How am I supposed to survive? You said it yourself I can't take care of myself. I would have died on the streets if I hadn't run into you. If Molly hadn't helped me I would have starved. How in the hell do you expect me to take care of a baby, when I can't even take care of myself? How am I supposed to live without you? Please don't ask this of me. Please, please don't make me live without you? Please? Please?"

"Trust Jamie." He said. "Whatever he says you have to do. Do you understand me? You have to trust him completely."

"What?" I asked shocked out of my tears by the words I could still hear echoing in my brain. "Trust him? After everything he's done? How do I trust him?"

"He'll take care of you and the baby Bianca." Beau's voice was so firm it shocked me. "You have to promise me you will do as he says. You have to promise me you will let him take care of you. You have to promise me you'll live and you'll protect this baby no matter what. If you ever loved me, if you truly meant it, you will promise me."

"I promise." I whispered though it broke my heart to do it. " I promise, Beau. Don't leave me, please?"

" I have to, but know I love you. I will watch over you. The hardest thing I have to do is leave you. You need someone to protect and take care of you. It can't me be anymore, so you have to let Jamie do it. He promised and he'll stick by his word." His voice shook and his eyes were full of tears. " I love you Bianca. I loved you in my life more than I have ever loved anything or anyone. You gave me the best part of you Princess, and now you have to give that piece of yourself to our baby. You made me a man. You saved me from bitterness and unhappiness. You opened my heart to what love really is, to forgiveness, to leaving the past behind. Don't you do what I did. Don't close off, you hear me? It's gonna be difficult, it's gonna be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. In the end you'll find the life you deserve, a life I probably could never have given you. Do you understand me? Do you understand everything I'm telling you right now?"

"You have to listen, you have to do as I ask. You have to promise me. Promise, you'll let me go eventually." His voice broke and the tears in his eyes started down his face. He looked at me, and in his eyes was an intensity I will never forget. He was willing his words to imprint themselves in my brain, into my very heart. "You tell our baby about me, you tell the baby about it's Daddy, but don't hold onto me. Don't wall yourself up and don't you dare let yourself lose love. It's going to surprise you when you find it again. You're not going to be expecting it, but you might be too afraid and let it slip by you. Remember this when it happens and know I'm going to be okay. I will love you forever, just as you'll love me. There will be a piece of you that will always be mine, but I'm okay with you finding love and happiness. I want you to find it. I want you to be happy, I want our baby to be happy. I want our baby to have brothers and sisters. I can't give it a home, but you can. You do anything you have to do to give this baby and any others a happy home. Give them the happy home I never had. Give them the guidance you never had. Indulge them, but don't be afraid to punish them. Most of all give this baby the love neither of us ever had. Promise me, promise me damn it!"

"I promise. I promise." I sobbed brokenly. "Please don't cry, I'll do what you ask. I'll do anything that you ask."

"Thank you Bianca." he said softly, his hand cupping my cheek, the tears gleaming in silver streams against the gold of his skin. "Thank you. I love you."

He hand slipped around to my neck and he bent his forehead to mine. His breath shuddered as mine hiccuped with the force of my sobs. He put his lips to my forehead, as his hand gripped the back of my neck firmly, and then his lips fell to mine. This was no gentle kiss, this was a fierce kiss. A kiss that would be branded into my memory forever. A kiss that told me he loved me, a kiss that told me he didn't want to leave me, a kiss that told me he would keep his promise and watch over me. He would watch over our baby and he would never be truly gone.

"I love you." He said again and his warm hands faded from my face.

"No..." I cried. "No please... no."

"Bianca!" The voice was frightened, and sharp. "Bianca, wake up!"

My eyes flew open and blinked in the painfully against the sunlight. Hands held my shoulders in a tight grip, strong hands, but not his hands. The chocolate colored eyes that had been whiskey colored in the sunlight, were icy blue. They were wide, they were frightened, they weren't his. I dissolved into myself.

"Bianca." His voice was gentle as his hands slipped around me and pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"I want him back." I cried. "I want him back damn it. And damn you too. Why couldn't it have been you? When that fucking shot rang out why did it have to hit him? You can't be half the man he was. You can't do half of what he would have done. It should have been you. It should have been you, you selfish, arrogant, jackass."

"You're right!" He shouted. "And if I could do it over again it'd have been me. Bianca, ya hear me? Do ya hear me? I'd give anything to change places with him and save you this pain."

His words stopped me cold, as he shook me. " I'd have switched places with him in an instant. He was my best friend, he was the better of the two of us. I don't know why God took him. He had everything, he had you, he had a baby on the way. I hated him for it, and I loved him for it. He was my brother, he was a good man, he was everything I could never be. Damn it!"

My jaw dropped, as I saw him look back at me with his eyes glittering with tears. That Spot, the King of Brooklyn, the strong and cold had tears in his eyes. He turned and rammed his fist into the wall. His arm was corded through the cotton of his shirt. He stood there stock still, his hand hidden in the wall, his arm dusted with bits of plaster. The sunlight slanted across him gilding his golden hair in it's light. A lock fell over his eyes as he glared at his hand and he looked like a fallen angel. In that moment his pain was a palatable thing, he was the very epitome of my pain. And in that moment we connected, we found something in common. Our pain, our love, our loss.

Slowly I stood and moved to his side. He pulled his hand from the wall and blood dripped from the cut in his fist. Gently I placed a hand on his arm and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me to him so quickly I fell into him. He buried his head in my neck, and he shook.

"I don't know what to do without him Bianca." he whispered, his breath sighed along my skin raising goose bumps. "He can't be gone, he just can't. Who will drive me to be stronger and tougher? With his love for you he taught me gentleness and showed me peace. A peace I could probably only hope for. He showed me how what it was to let go of what I wanted and give for someone else. He was everything I wanted to be and for while I hated him for it. I did! I was jealous of him and because of it I am who I am. How will I continue without him to hold myself up against? Even if I found myself wanting, I knew he was the good one, the person I should be. I might have tried to be the opposite for years, but now I know I wanted to be him. How can he be gone now that I know I need him to be my humanity?"

"I know." I replied my voice barely audible. "I know. I don't know what to do without him. I don't know how to be without him. I don't know how to live without him. How do I raise his baby without him?"

"With my help." He told me, his breath stirring my hair as he replied. "I'll help Bianca, ya have to let me. You have to let me take care of ya like I promised. I won't hurt ya."

"He asked me to let you help Jamie. He wanted me to let you take care of me. I promised, I promised to put myself into your hands and trust you." I looked at him, the fear at the prospect of what had been asked and what I had promised in my eyes. He had hurt me, he had broken me, he had almost caused me to take my own life, and now I was forced into trusting him. He looked me in the eye, his cool blue eyes boring into mine. I could see the pain, the sorrow, and the pleading in his gaze. He nodded once and let me go so swiftly I stumbled back into the wall.

He sucked on the knuckles he had skinned when he punched the wall as he turned away from me. He seemed to be trying to collect himself. It was odd to see the ever sure King of the Brooklyn newsies uncertain, and desperately trying to gather himself back behind his mask.

"I've gotta go back down stairs. They're havin' a meeting. We've sent out the birdies to see what's what. The bulls were lookin' for us last night. And they'll be releasing Beau's body for burying the day after tomorrow. That box, the one with the money, I left it in here with you last night..." He trailed off as he looked for it, and avoided looking at me. I looked to the nightstand next to the bed. There lay the box my mother had left for me. "We may have to get ya out of town. Ya got anyone we can send you to? Anyone ya can live with?"

"Don't you think if I had anyone I would have gone to them when Adian attacked me?" I asked as I wrapped my arms myself and moved back to the bed. I felt as though I had lost him, I felt alone in the wake of his sudden retreat.

"Could be ya couldn't go to them with ya story." he snapped. "Could be they wouldn't have believed ya, but someone that might take ya in."

"My father had a younger brother that was sent to England to take over the holdings there. He was Adian's father, and he died a few years ago. My grandparents all died before I was born."

"Shit." Spot said running his hands through his hair. " The bulls would probably start looking for ya there anyway if there was anyone. How is it ya don't have any family?"

"How is it you don't have any family?" I snapped, then my eyes immediately filled.

"Look I'm sorry." He sighed. " I don't know how to act with ya. Ya Mush's wife, ya carryin' his kid, ya ain't some girl to play with. Ya ain't someone I can tell all the lies ya wanna hear. I made promises. I promised I wouldn't hurt ya. I've gotta keep that promise, I've gotta. It's the one thing I have. Spot Conlon ain't never gone back on a promise. I almost killed ya once Bianca, I was careless and it almost cost you, ya life."

"And how many girls have there been since then Spot?" I asked callously " How great an impact did I make? How many girls did you play with after you used me and threw me away? Who else have you hurt all these years?"

"There ain't been another girl since ya?" He said softly, his back to me, his face in profile. "I haven't had another girl since that night at the bridge. I haven't been able to look at another girl without seein' ya. With out seein' ya pale and shaking on the edge, so close to jumpin'. It never hit home with what happened to the girls after I was finished with 'em. I've never paid attention to them, they threw themselves at me, they deserved what they got. You though, ya didn't ask for any of it. Ya didn't want it, ya fought me. I hurt ya and I knew I was hurtin' ya while I did it. Then I saw the look on ya face when ya looked at Mush. I wanted that, all these years that's what I wanted. The hardest part about watchin' ya marry Mush was lettin' ya go."

"You just wanted what you couldn't have Spot." I hissed. " You just wanted what Beau wanted. You wanted what he had."

"No, I wanted ya." His hands were fisted at his sides. "Ya were beautiful, and sweet, and innocent. Everything that is bled out of the girls around here. From the first moment I saw ya enter that box in Irving Hall I wanted ya. Before I knew Mush wanted ya, before I let the jealousy between us corrupted it. I wanted ya, Bianca, I wanted that sweetness for me. Would ya have ever looked at me if it wasn't for Mush? If I hadn't threatened ya?"

" I don't know." I whispered. "I can't think about this right now. I can't even contemplate my life without Beau. I don't know..."

"I'm sorry." He said softly "Ya don't deserve to have me lay all this on ya. I've gotta go downstairs. Stay here, stay out of sight."

I nodded before he turned and left the room. I sat quietly in the room that Beau had set up for us. The sun warmed the room as I lay on the bed and curled around a pillow. His scent still lingered on the sheets and if I closed my eyes, I could almost imagine that he were here. I could almost feel him curl around me. His head close to mine, his knees behind mine, his arm resting across my hips and abdomen. I could almost feel him rub where the baby was growing.

I ran my own hand across my swelling stomach. I felt a fluttering in response as if the baby were letting me know it was there. Inside me there was a piece of Beau, I knew it.

I sat in the quiet of the room. Every now and then I would hear noise from below. I would hear a single yell followed by the dull roar of many voices. I paced, I looked out the window and I listened listlessly. Downstairs in the noise that occasionally made it to me, they were deciding my future. Part of me rebelled against the idea. People I barely knew were going to decide what happened to me and my baby. I tried to quiet the uneasiness and the unwillingness to follow someone else's plan. These were the people that had loved and helped Beau for most of his life. They had given him a family when he had to run from his own. They had given him a support system when he had no other, and most importantly there was Spot. He would be the biggest advocate for what would seem to be the best decision. He had made a promise he would stick by, even if it was tinged with an odd sort of love. I had to trust him.

To be entirely honest, whatever fear and uncertainty I faced in the idea of someone else planning out my future, I had nothing to offer. I could barely think of my own name, let alone a plan for my life. Beau's death had left a hole in me, and had broken me. How was I to decide anything when I was clinging to life by a promise made in a dream to the man that was dead? It would take everything I had just to put one foot in front of the other.

Darkness slipped into the room before Spot finally returned. The moonlight was the only light in the room, a silvery darkness that made the shadows longer. I had no fear of this darkness, a piece of me welcomed it. This piece was afraid of the light, afraid it would shine on the promises I had made and force me to keep them. Here in the soft darkness I could just suspend myself in a kind of limbo where there were no choices to be made.

Light spilled into the room as the door opened slowly. It lasted for a moment as the door shut again. I could hear creaking as someone moved across the room toward me. I knew who it was before he even lit the match to light the candle next to the bed.

"Sorry it took so long. Things weren't as easy as we hoped." Spot said softly as he sat next to me on the he bed. "With the money ya have you're moving out west. Cowboy's always talked about out west, but it is a good idea. Out there ain't no one that's going to know who ya are and what happened here. You'll buy a small farm and you'll live quietly."

"How?" I asked my face a mask of disbelief. " I know nothing about a farm. I can't do this by myself. I don't know how to do any of it."

"It will be okay." he told me, taking my hand in his and squeezing it in a comforting manor. "Ya won't be going alone. I'm goin' too."

"What do you know about a farm?" I whispered in confusion.

"I don't know much, but I do know how to work hard. I've spent my life workin' myself to the bone to keep me and my boys fed and kept a roof over our heads." Spot told me with a quiet grin. "There's no reason why I can't do the same for you. I made a promise Bianca, I'm gonna keep it no mater what."

"You need someone to protect and take care of you. It can't me be anymore, so you have to let Jamie do it. He promised and he'll stick by his word. Trust Jamie. Whatever he says you have to do. Do you understand me? You have to trust him completely. Promise me." My husband's voice whispered through my mind. Words that he had said in my dream, my dreams of those that had left my life forever.

"Yes!" I whispered. "Whatever you think. I made a promise too."

It was such a naive response, but sometimes it is the naive choices made with complete faith that in the end turn out to be the correct path.


End file.
